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Author Topic: Those with BPD parent, when did you realize?  (Read 623 times)
stepmomof2

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« on: December 06, 2022, 11:26:42 PM »

I'm an 8-year stepmom of 2 kids (13 and 16) whose mom has uBPD. Our kids will do anything to make things okay for their mom. She's not physically abusive or substance abusive, but she is very self destructive and takes the kids along for the ride. The kids have had 10 or 12 new "step-parents" move in with them only for those relationships to be ditched very suddenly. She's lost about 7 jobs in the last 9 years, she's been homeless twice, bankrupt, etc. When she's doing well we have an amazing time with the kids- things are easy and fun and relaxed. But when she is in distress the kids protect her and defend her at all costs.
 
When she was homeless the kids said that they were homeless too and blame us for not taking care of them. (They obviously had a home with us no matter what).

When we casually mentioned that we have 50% custody they had panic attacks and said 'no, mom told us she has full custody'. (That alone really freaks me out because they could just count the days they are with us).

When she told them to lie to us about the fact that she'd pulled them from school to moved them 6 hours away before we could stop her they told us she has to do this and that its not her fault. My stepdaughter (before the lie was revealed) was 9 at the time and was crying and hugging me shaking, saying she was really really going to miss me- as though they'd never see us again.

Now she's jobless and possibly imminently homeless. She just had a conversation with my partner saying that she's their real parent, that her house is their real home, and they want to be able to choose to live with her. (They've never expressed such a thing to us) She says she'll go to court if she has to. If that happens I'm sure the kids will have no choice but to put their money where their mouth is, if in fact that's what they've been expressing to her. I've heard other people on the site say that moms with BPD will never be satisfied and will always want more custody, so hopefully this is just coming from her, but it might put a lot of pressure on them nonetheless.

I know this is a different process for every kid, but can someone give me some hope that our kids are going to figure this out someday? At what age did you figure out what was going on with your BPD parent and what did that transition look like? What clued you in? Is there anything your nonBPD parent could have done to help, either with helping validate feelings you were already having or by being more clear about the situation at hand? We've been very much avoiding talking ill of their mother at all, but it seems to us if this judge/custody stuff goes through our hail mary might be to lay things out for them a bit.
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wormslearntofly

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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2022, 04:50:49 AM »

Hello. My mum has had multiple doctors try to diagnose her with BPD (although she’s never accepted the diagnosis but hey that’s a symptom in itself!). My parents separated when I was 16, my younger brother was 14 and my youngest sister was 9. We primarily lived with my mum.

I can only speak for my own experiences but the best thing my dad did was stay at arms length when it came to mums drama, made a conscious effort to not get dragged into it when my mum tried to start it with him, and created a safe space where we could talk about problems we were having home, and stepped in when required, which happened a couple of times relating to my youngest sister.

When he did have to step in he remained calm and explained he was temporarily removing my sister from the situation because it was endangering her mental health. This happened when my mum was overtly emotionally abusing my sister. This really is a last resort because when you do this the repercussions are going to be huge and it will negatively impact the entire family for a very long time, the BPD parent will not take this well and take it out on all of the children. You need to have the best interests of the child at the forefront here and carefully weigh up the repercussions.

I would just remind your step kids that you love them and that they are always going to be safe and always have a home with you. You are right to have avoided talking ill of their mother, they obviously love her very much, if you talk her down you are going to very quickly become someone they can’t trust. That is the thing you don’t want. You need to be someone they can turn to.

Forgive me for making assumptions, but it seems like you are waiting for your step kids to have some kind of enlightenment where they realise what an awful mother they have and will cut ties with her. You need to get that out of your head, it might never happen, BPD families are complex. I really hope it doesn’t come to a court situation for you and your family because that would be devastating for the kids.

The lying is going to pose a problem for you and your partner. The only way you can counteract this is to keep making it clear that you love the kids and that they always have a home with you. While the kids are minors unfortunately you’re going to have to have some kind of relationship with this woman and that’s going to be hard work. As soon as we were all adults my dad was quick to cut that tie which my mum absolutely hated and it took her a long time to get over, which was hell for me and my siblings. She loved the constant drama that having to navigate childcare with her ex supplied her. It’s a bountiful situation for anyone with BPD. Drama is their drug and they’ve hit the jackpot there. They are going to try and make a supplier out of you.

Perhaps my dad didn’t consider how badly she’d react at him cutting ties with her at the time and how it would impact his children. Maybe he should have done but I don’t blame him either. Every single interaction you have with this woman is going to come back to the kids and I’m sorry for that. Good luck. Sorry if this reply was depressing. You sound like you have a lot of strength for being able to keep it civil for the kids for so long and a great stepmum. They clearly have a lot of trust in you which really is golden.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2022, 06:17:34 AM »

Growing up in my family, a focus was on caretaking BPD mother. By adolescence, I was more capable of doing things around the house. BPD mother seems to have an emotional need to have people do things for her, even if she's capable of doing them herself. So naturally, having a teen daughter who could do things like cook, sew, and household tasks was a source for that.

This is different than having chores for teens. Teens should be helping in the house. This was meeting her emotional needs and feeling overly responsible for her. Kids may need chores but they also need to be kids. For me, it seemed more like I was another adult in the house, but she had "rank" as mother and I had to obey her. The other contrast is that she could act out in all kinds of ways and that was OK, while any misbehavior on my part would be addressed. It was like there were different sets of rules in the house. She also began to confide in me, TMI for a child.

I agree with wormslearntofly in that, if you are waiting for a light bulb to happen for the kids, it may not. What kids are raised with becomes our "normal". We don't know any different. By my teens though, I could see that my mother's behavior wasn't normal. That was obvious. What wasn't obvious was my father's behavior. He was an enabler and co-dependent. Enabling isn't an emotionally healthy behavior but it was our normal. While you see that it isn't a good thing for these young kids to be parentified and caretakers for their BPD mother, they see this as a normal thing for them to do.

The BPD is one issue, the other is the children's sense of obligation and responsibility that is the other and they don't see that as a problem. They have been raised to do that.

I recall one "ah ha" moment. I was about 12. We were at the dinner table and I was talking to my father about something I had learned at school. He seemed interested in the topic as well. Then my mother interrupted with some silly comment, and it seemed she wanted to divert the attention to her but rather than join the conversation, she made some cute silly statement. It seemed so childish to me, I felt as if I was acting more adult than she was.

My father was more invested in "normalizing" BPD mother. Realizing something wasn't all OK with her has been a process, not a single moment. Since enabling and co-dependency was normal for our family and served a purpose, I didn't need to look at that until I found this was not good for my own relationships. BPD mother may have been the reason that led me to counseling- but the discovery in counseling was on what I had learned and needed to change for myself.

13 and 16 is young, but these are parentified kids. I had the maturity then to understand mental illness. I think if a family member were to have this discussion, it might be triangulation but a counselor can do it.

I understand that my father would not have wanted to do this, but what he did was minimize and dismiss the disordered behavior because he wanted to protect my mother. So I assumed she did these things on purpose and resented her for it. I think a qualified therapist is able to explain this to teens in a way they'd understand it. I also think teens can start to learn that they are not responsible for their parents' feelings and behaviors and that enabling isn't a desirable behavior. This is not just for them and their mother but for their future relationships as well.

I'd put the truth out there too if it came down to custody, but the kids need to understand the reasons why. This isn't just about their mother but for their best interest.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2022, 06:22:41 AM by Notwendy » Logged
Tortuga50550

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« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2022, 07:34:32 AM »

From what I've lived with my BPD father, realization is never a single moment, but more like a loong path that you start.

My father had always been emotionally unstable, with rage outbusts that would end in objets being broken or scream contests at anyone. Like the mother of your step children, he would go from job to job endlessly, and make choices spontaniously without consulting anyone (that often were pretty irresponsible). As a child, I honestly didn't realize something was wrong, because it was just my normal. I didn't know any other way of living. Plus, because my school wasn't close to home, I often was with my grandparents, and in summer vacations with my mother, so I didn't see my father very often.

Then because of a bunch of reasons, we change countries and lived alone with my mother for two years. And then my father came live with us. That's when our relationship started to slowly deteriorate. Note that I still didn't realize my father was BPD, nor that it wasn't normal to react the way he reacted to things. I felt I had to be the keeper of peace at home, and had several times to act as a care giver to my father, even though I was a teenager with self esteem problems. I just felt bad about the whole situation, but I didn't know why. Things just detereorated to a point where I started having insomnia and anxiety (not only because of him, but he was defenetly one of the main reasons) and had my first big fight with him (before that, I had just pretended like things were normal and okay). That's when I decided to go to therapy, and that's when my therapist told me that it was possible he had BPD. I was 20. He was never diagnose, and still isn't, but he has nearly every single BPD trait, so it's very likely.

I really hope your kids won't have to walk the same path most of us did, but it's not going to be easy. Because it's their mother, and from my experience, it's never easy to realize that the person who's supposed to love you endlessly it's the one who's hurting you. You could take them to therapy, if that's what you and your partner think it's best for them. Maybe a psychologist could give them the tools to navigate their relationship with their mother while they're still young. That's on you to decide. What I can say for sure, it's that you need to show them that you loved them, and that they can trust you. What I regret that my mom, even though with all her good intentions, was never able to do was to create an envionment where I could be open in a healthy way about the whole situation without being judged on. Maybe you could try that.

Good luck and take care
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stepmomof2

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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2022, 01:45:54 PM »

Yeah, @tortuga, my partner has a step brother whose mom is uNPD and the path has been long for him as well- he at least admits she's got a mental illness now but he still doesn't see exactly how he falls victim to it. I knew it would be a long and fraught process for our kids. But I ask people on this board because you all have realized it. It's probably a biased sample to draw from, but we're in a bit of an emotional abyss right now, so its nice to hear stories of people who eventually figured it out and got help.

@tortuga and @notwendy, we've thought about therapy, but if they get a whiff that anything is about their mom they will shut it down, tell her and she will go postal. The last time that happened she bolted with them to another state to live in a friends basement and the judge not only let her, but reprimanded us for trying to interfere. We're very gun-shy about saying anything around them (or letting anyone else say anything around them) that even implies their mom isn't okay. As for your other suggestion- creating a safe space to talk about it- I'm not even sure how to begin doing that. She has so thoroughly convinced them that we're the ones trying to take them away from her that they don't trust us with any information regarding her. We've told them many times that they can tell us anything, but she tells them the opposite. She tells that that we'll be angry with them for all kinds of things, that they shouldn't tell us (for instance) when they're not doing well in school, or when they disagree with us about something. They should just make nice with us to get by and come back and talk with her. She's pretty up front about this with us. She says "The kids are scared of you. I've told the kids that they don't have to talk about anything with you if they're scared- that they should just pretend everything is fine until they get back with me."

@notwendy, the parentifying is a really big part of this I think. Vulnerability and feeling needed is intoxicating and they seem to feel proud and mature for taking care of her. They definitely think that its not a problem. They may actually even know about her diagnosis (officially its complex PTSD, but that falls under BPD in the US) but that would actually make them feel even more like its not her fault. They're very much of the opinion that having a mental health issue means you can't be held responsible for anything you do. In some ways I agree- her programming is a result of serial abuse as a child- but in the same way you don't give an untreated gambling addict control to the family bank account, you don't give an untreated BPD parent more control over your life. It doesn't mean you stop loving them.

@worms, I am actually not hoping for them to ever cut ties with her, or to think she's a terrible mother. What I'm hoping they'll realize is that she's not okay, and that boundaries need to be drawn. Currently they defend everything she does. She loses a job its because her boss was awful. If she suddenly leaves her partner they cut ties immediately and tell us what a terrible person that turned out to be. If she goes homeless its because we didn't provide enough support to her. She can buy them brand new phones and in the same day lose her car to repossession and they will defend it to the hilt. They're extremely intelligent kids and this blind spot is very concerning. That's what I'm hoping they'll wake up from. I don't think she's awful (though she regularly abuses my partner). The way she behaves is just another wave in the generational fallout of very unhealthy parents (her mom was NPD) and sexually abusive adults (her mom's partners raped her). I don't think she deserves isolation or hatred, but I do think she needs help and is currently, unwittingly, passing that generational damage to our kids. I'm curious regarding your dad going NC- we have a little more than 4 years before both kids are 18. Would you recommend for their sake that we keep up contact with her even after to help keep the brunt of it from falling on the kids? I'd love to protect them as long as I can, but I also worry that keeping her attention fixed on us is going to keep them with her (and feeling that we are the enemy) for longer.

This custody thing has me worried that we missed our shot to explain things to them- that they're so in her clutches that we could lose them because they see us as the enemy to their us-against-the-world team. They've always had a safe stable place with us and I really hope that will pay off for them and for us. My stepdaughter cuddles up to me to play games together and comes to me for hugs and comfort if she's feeling sad or ill. My stepson shares his passions with me and we have long discussions about politics, computer programming and his non-traditional path in this world. They've got friends and stuff but they seem to want to spend a lot of time with us socially- more than I did with my parents at that age. We actually get them more than 50% of their free time because we have more weekend and holiday days than she does. Even if they decide to live with her full time in the hopes that they can make her better, I am sometimes able to hope that because we presented this compelling alterative to their situation with her that they'll come back to us when they realize that they want safety and stability.

But at the same time I have this deep gut-level sickness I've never experienced in my life to imagine that they're talking with her about going to a judge so she can have full custody. It's very personally isolating that I have a great relationship with our kids, yet they're choosing their mom over us at every juncture. We want to stay objective parents thinking only of them, but we're also human and the prospect of having our dearest loves torn from us is a very intense kind of misery. I don't know anyone else going through this but anyone who hears that they are choosing their mom over us (including our last judge on their secret 6-hour move) assumes we're the bad parents- possibly abusive even. Everyone who hears it from her, or them, supports them because their dad must be a terror if they're trying to get away from him. After all, men are always bad, right? As a result their dad's isolation is enormous. To be losing the battle for your kids, watch them suffer and go hungry/homeless, endure emotional and financial abuse from their mom, and have the whole world (including sometimes your kids) decide you're probably the monster in the picture... suffice it to say his depression is profound.

I don't really know what their life with her is like. The divorce happened when they were 3 and 6, so I don't even think my partner can envision the kind of relationship they have. We've gotten some clues at various times. When the kids were much younger they had to wear uniforms to school and would sometimes forget them in the transition between houses. The morning of school they would realize they don't have them and we'd have to drive them to the store to get extras, making them late for school and us late for work. Normal kid stuff, but they would be panicking and crying saying "mommy is going to be so angry when she finds out we were late". We know she borrows money from them, that she asks them to keep things secret from us, and that the kids are dealing with a decent bit of anxiety, but otherwise the kids are very close-lipped about what happens at with her.

It seems maybe the best shot is for them to be away from her for a while (away at school, or moved out) so that they can get some perspective. But my 13-year-old is already talking about getting a job next year at a fast food joint so that that she can 'support herself'. I think what she really means is support her mom. She said to me "you can't lean on your family for money forever." I worry that they'll just choose to move in with her as adults in some horrible co-dependency and let her drain them of their money and energy. But even more I worry that they'll begin to follow the same path.



« Last Edit: December 07, 2022, 02:26:00 PM by stepmomof2 » Logged
Teabunny
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« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2022, 09:33:08 PM »

Well it took me until my 30's to even have heard of BPD. I knew mom was unsafe from a very young age and ran away from home as a child. That didn't work and my parents treated running away like a bad thing I did, not addressing their fighting. As a teenager, I reached out to my pediatrician and also the school guidance counselor but neither could intervene beyond reporting what I'd told them to my dad who of course told mom. After I left for college that was the solution for me, physical and as much emotional separation as possible from my parents.

As a kid Dad helped by saying mom wasn't feeling well, but he had a sick enabling way of teaching me that our goal was to not upset her and he was sorry I had to live like that. As an adult he explained he couldn't divorce her because she'd have gained full custody and abused me more. Acknowledging even a little that our home wasn't right helped reinforce that my perception of mom not being healthy was accurate.

It sounds like your teens aren't at the place I was, to see dangerous behavior rather than believing whatever mom says? Mom has always said horrible things about dad but even as a kid I could see who was threatening me and who wasn't. I don't think they'll have an epiphany unless given the resources and motivation to understand BPD.

I see now I was lucky to never have formed an attachment to mom; she helped by alienating me so maybe your kids' mom hasn't hurt them in the same way to provoke the self-presevation instincts. I don't know but wish you all luck and continued love!
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2022, 07:05:00 AM »

I also didn't form a strong attachment to my mother, but still, a child wants approval from a parent and learns early how to get that. For us, it was through doing things for my mother, and also not upsetting her- which was an impossible task as she gets upset over what she perceives we have done. This kind of behavior was reinforced by my father, to whom I was attached to.

Even though there were conflicts with my mother, I tried very hard to be "good enough" for her- another impossible task as nothing is "good enough". It was later that I realized that has nothing to do with me or anything I could do or not do. All children are deserving of being unconditionally loved by their parents. It's my parents who could not provide that.

I know it must feel discouraging that for many of us here, it takes a long time to realize the extent of the dysfunction of our BPD parent, but children only know what they know, and if this is our family, it's our "normal". It may take us being on our own in the adult world to see there's a difference.

For me, a bottom line was this: I knew I had to accept how my mother treated me in my family in order to be accepted by my parents, but when my own kids reached adolescence and I observed her trying to enlist them as emotional caretakers, that was not acceptable to me. There is no way I'd allow her to do that and so I stepped in to protect them from that. I assumed my father would understand but when my mother got upset over it, he did not.

Although I had conflicts with my mother as a teen, she blamed me for it and I thought I could redeem this as an adult. But to have any boundaries with her, to not completely comply, resulted in conflict. The cost of having boundaries with my mother is the relationship with my parents. It seemed to be - choose my mother's feelings or my children's best interest. That wasn't even in question. The kids are the priority for me.

Your stepchildren probably know that the cost of changing their behaviors with their mother is the loss of her approval and possibly the loss of the relationship. This is a significant connection for them, no matter how disordered she is.

I agree that strong intervention may result in strong backlash. Don't underestimate your influence as a stable parent and a source of unconditional love. You may not be able to see that influence at the moment, but it's there. While you fear the "what if" they remain enmeshed, and it would not be good for them, unless you can legally remove them from their mother, I don't know if it's preventable. For me, if my father had chosen to divorce, I would have willingly gone to live with him but it doesn't seem the kids are willing to do that. It may be that they too will have their own path of discovery, like we all here do. But your love and support will mean a lot to them on that path.
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Couscous
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« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2022, 12:27:48 PM »

This is truly a crazy situation that reminds me of my own childhood… I suggest that you also post on the divorcing/custody board so that parents with ex-BPD spouses can respond. There are lots of savvy fathers on there that have done battle with their exes and the legal system, so they could have some helpful advice for you. Better yet, you would tell your H about that board and have him post there.

What stands out to me that as the biggest problem is your H’s depression and passivity. Usually passive, conflict-avoidant men are the kind that marry women with BPD, and this is not going to help the kids to feel safe. So if your H wants to help his kids, then the first order of business is for him to get himself into counseling so that he can be source of stability and safety for them. Since he probably won’t do this on his own, I recommend you seek family counseling and go with him. This may even be better than individual counseling for him. If that fails, then I suggest you see family counselor on your own.

There are several parallels to my own childhood. My siblings and I were heavily brainwashed by my mother, and my father was too passive to do anything about it. My mom illegally took us out of the country and he was afraid of “making things worse”, fell into a deep depression, and did nothing. I do not think he ever completely recovered, even after he “rescued” my mother a few years later and brought her and my siblings (I was 18 and in my own by then) back to our home country and my siblings went to live with him full-time. Although I have since forgiven him, I do think he completely failed us. The message I took away from his passivity was that, on a fundamental level, he chose to do what was best for himself. He let my mom take us to a really PLEASE READty situation so that he could ensure that he could still occasionally see us, something that did not benefit us kids at all. The message I took away from his passivity was that he didn’t really care, and even after I was old enough to be able to choose to live with him full-time, I chose not to because he was so emotionally shut-down. I wish he had gone to therapy then, and I still wish he would.

Unlike you, my step-mother was secretly glad to be rid of us, so she did not encourage him to fight for us. Your step-kids are lucky to have you.  With affection (click to insert in post) I would also encourage you prioritize your own emotional wellbeing and to check out some Al-Anon meetings so that you can get some support for yourself, as well as help you to be able to become a little more emotionally detached from this situation. Sending you a hug.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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todayistheday
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« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2022, 12:50:54 PM »

I was already in my 50s.  My Mom was treating my Dad so badly over something little that it was effecting me.  It had to do with a stupid photograph he did not take at a party.  He wanted to know if I had one which I had not.  Mom had provided an item for the snack table, and horrors, nobody took a picture of it so nobody appreciated HER.
I was so upset that I went to a counselor I had seen previously for other issues.  I had never told the counselor about my relationship with my Mom because I was afraid she'd blame my other issues on that.  Which she did not, the other issue was totally separate.
I fully expected her to tell me it was my Dad's problem.  Instead, she hypothesized that Mom had BPD and told me to read the eggshells book.
I read it and it totally opened my eyes to many things.  Golden Child/Scapegoat child, etc.  (I was scapegoat as oldest)  There were many things in the book that were the story of my life, the abuse that I'd suffered, the isolation that I'd suffered. 

I think one real eye-opener in the book which may be trivial said that BPD children are often delayed in learning to drive.  I finally got my license when I got away and went to college and learned to drive from a friend and used their car to get my license.  And of course, she was furious.  Me not being able to get around on my own was one of her ways to control me.   My Grandmother got a car for me my senior year. 

I later learned that she threatened suicide when my Dad was going to leave her after both sister and I left home.   He didn't call her bluff (if it was a bluff) and still lives under the same roof as her, even though she hates him.   She controls him and his finances as well.
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* I use hBPD rather than uBPD.  My Mom has not been evaluated for BPD, but I have a professional hypothesis from a therapist who I discussed the relationship with. She assigned me the eggshells book.  At the next meeting when I told her how many things in the book were Mom, therapist was certain.
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« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2022, 07:28:52 AM »

Delayed in learning to drive? Wow, I didn't see that.

In my college area, there was not much public transportation. I was one of the only students without a car. I managed by tagging along with friends when they went grocery shopping and ran errands like that. Sometimes someone would let me borrow their car. Most of my part time jobs were on campus.

Although there were some financial issues at home, they were not so severe that my father was unable to assist if he wanted to. I wonder if one reason he didn't help me to get a car was due to not wanting to anger BPD mother.

Dad did buy me a car for graduation. I would be starting a full time job and would be fully on my own financially by then. I don't know if BPD mother relented or he just decided to. At this point, I needed one to be able to get to my job.



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« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2022, 10:01:07 AM »

I am so glad your step children have a safe home with you when they are with you and your husband. I highly recommend reading the book "Divorce Poison" which is all about dealing with parent alienation, which sounds like what your step children's BPD mother is doing to the children. The book has some really helpful suggestions on how to talk to the children when they have a parent behaving like their mother is.
I also suggest reading the posts of Forever Dad, who really knows the ropes of dealing with children who have a BPD mother, and other similar ones on other Boards on this site. The challenges you are facing as a step mom are a familiar story on this site.
I first figured out something was wrong with my mother with BPD when my brother was in kindergarten, and mom was terribly upset that my brother and another girl in his class liked each other. My father had strong narcissistic traits. My lifelong challenge has been to become a person in my own right, having been raised by parents and a large extended family that chooses certain children to be scapegoats and others to be the golden children. Everyone is expected to play the role they are chosen to be in from birth, and ever expressing a point of view that does not go along with the toxic family narratives, is harshly punished. Your step children have been clearly brainwashed to go along with what their mother wants in the moment, and live in fear of being punished by her for not doing so.
Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful. There is no such thing as posting too much or too often.
« Last Edit: December 21, 2022, 10:07:37 AM by zachira » Logged

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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
Posts: 12105


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2022, 07:51:18 PM »

Delayed in learning how to drive... my mom taught me when I was 12 and I was soon afterwards also at 13 driving her from the mountains to her central valley night nurse job at night while she slept, a 60 mile trip. Clearly Parentification.

stepmomof2, your step kids are also the victims of emotional or covert incest, being cast as responsible for her feelings.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

The story about being reprimanded by the judge is wild. Doesn't the custody order forbid moves like that if the other parent doesn't agree?

I'm sorry that the kids are wrapped up in their mother's disordered world-view. Kids don't know what they don't know. They might realize by natural consequences how they might be enabling their mother, but as minors, that's not their fault. The risk is if they transition into adulthood and don't realize it.

I didn't suspect that my mom might be BPD until I was on the site for my uBPDx for a year and I explored this sub-board. A few years later, my mom admitted to me that she likely had BPD after we had long talks about my ex whom my mom had concluded was BPD years before.   Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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