I've been playing the supporting role...

[robotchild]

...in the crappiest character drama ever made, starring my wife. For 26 years. During most of that time, I bought it all. I am starting to understand now, but I have no idea what to do next.

All that time while I was deep in it, I accepted the narrative that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and we could have it all if I could just stop being so immature, selfish, insecure, emotionally stunted, shut down, manipulative and subconsciously sadistic. Oh and most of all, abusive, although I always choked on that word. I just couldn't buy that. I took all the responsibility for often being so inconsiderate as to trigger my wife into a meltdown, never knowing how to be there for her the way she needed once she was there, for being "emotionally withdrawn" and taking away all the passion and romance I promised in the beginning. But I just couldn't get past the idea that any of that is abuse. But I took the remaining narrative in, and I believed that if I just tried hard enough, everything could get better. My wife would not have the regular blowup, and I would be such a better partner. I thought that for 26 years.

Then all at once, after learning our teen has borderline tendencies, the pieces fell together right in front of me. All of what had felt like a bizzaro world to ourselves sometimes might really be just that. Not me being a bad partner or not trying hard enough - just a very real mental disorder. My wife has never gotten a diagnosis of BPD - she is deeply offended by any suggestion of it - but the more I read about it, the more it makes sense.

This has created a difficult dilemma for me. I want to be supportive and loving, but suddenly I can't feel the overwhelming guilt and responsibility. I just see the patterns for exactly what they are. It's hard to even be upset about any of it most of the time, and that sure doesn't help with her feelings that I am emotionally unavailable.

Right now, we are 36 hours into another big blowout. My wife has been alternating between debilitating trauma at times and ranting about needing to leave this worthless relationship/partner at other times. She is devastated that I "brutally assaulted" her - referring to when I pushed her away and at one point pinned her down so that she couldn't hit or throw things at me. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about it but I don't see that I had any choice other than to absorb the attacks.

Do people understand this no-mans land that I am in right now? My wife wants to be thoroughly validated, and the urge to do that is overwhelming. But what I really want to do is say hey, the only way I can see myself staying in this relationship is if you go get evaluated and stick with treatment. That's just a complete turnaround from the validation trap I have been stuck in for all this time. I just don't know how to suck it up and dive off that cliff! I am afraid I will just default instead to appeasing, just so we can have a hallway decent Christmas!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rev]

...in the crappiest character drama ever made, starring my wife. For 26 years. During most of that time, I bought it all. I am starting to understand now, but I have no idea what to do next.

All that time while I was deep in it, I accepted the narrative that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and we could have it all if I could just stop being so immature, selfish, insecure, emotionally stunted, shut down, manipulative and subconsciously sadistic. Oh and most of all, abusive, although I always choked on that word. I just couldn't buy that. I took all the responsibility for often being so inconsiderate as to trigger my wife into a meltdown, never knowing how to be there for her the way she needed once she was there, for being "emotionally withdrawn" and taking away all the passion and romance I promised in the beginning. But I just couldn't get past the idea that any of that is abuse. But I took the remaining narrative in, and I believed that if I just tried hard enough, everything could get better. My wife would not have the regular blowup, and I would be such a better partner. I thought that for 26 years.

Then all at once, after learning our teen has borderline tendencies, the pieces fell together right in front of me. All of what had felt like a bizzaro world to ourselves sometimes might really be just that. Not me being a bad partner or not trying hard enough - just a very real mental disorder. My wife has never gotten a diagnosis of BPD - she is deeply offended by any suggestion of it - but the more I read about it, the more it makes sense.

This has created a difficult dilemma for me. I want to be supportive and loving, but suddenly I can't feel the overwhelming guilt and responsibility. I just see the patterns for exactly what they are. It's hard to even be upset about any of it most of the time, and that sure doesn't help with her feelings that I am emotionally unavailable.

Right now, we are 36 hours into another big blowout. My wife has been alternating between debilitating trauma at times and ranting about needing to leave this worthless relationship/partner at other times. She is devastated that I "brutally assaulted" her - referring to when I pushed her away and at one point pinned her down so that she couldn't hit or throw things at me. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about it but I don't see that I had any choice other than to absorb the attacks.

Do people understand this no-mans land that I am in right now? My wife wants to be thoroughly validated, and the urge to do that is overwhelming. But what I really want to do is say hey, the only way I can see myself staying in this relationship is if you go get evaluated and stick with treatment. That's just a complete turnaround from the validation trap I have been stuck in for all this time. I just don't know how to suck it up and dive off that cliff! I am afraid I will just default instead to appeasing, just so we can have a hallway decent Christmas!

My friend, thank you for reaching out.

How are you doing now - compared to when you wrote this?  I can totally relate to pretty much everything here.

Including that moment of clarity. Including the idea slowly dawning on me that I was a victim of abusive behavior.  It really took time - I tried to leave her three times before I did.

I just want to say something in response to your question - what do I do next?

It is really hard to answer that in detail, because obviously this forum is limited. And here goes - please take this advice and make it your own.

1) Have a safety plan to get out of the house if it escalates. You mention things getting physical and you needing to pin her down to protect yourself. PLEASE find another way. It is typical of women who abuse to use this against their victims. This is part of the way women abuse men.

2) Remain calm, neutral and detach as much a possible. Do this to stay in a emotionally safe place. Fake it if you have to. Try to think about your safety rather than your needs.  See offering validation as just keeping the waters calm. Same actions on your part - different motivation.

3) Make a plan to seek support and guidance. I can certainly help you pick a good mentor.

What do you think about these three points?

In the meantime, hang in there. Your story rings true. And I want for you to know that you are, unfortunately, not alone. Fortunately for you, you have found this place. There are lots of people here who will relate to what you say. Lots of wisdom. Lots of compassion. Zero judgment.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Outdorenthusiast]

...in the crappiest character drama ever made, starring my wife. For 26 years. During most of that time, I bought it all. I am starting to understand now, but I have no idea what to do next.

All that time while I was deep in it, I accepted the narrative that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and we could have it all if I could just stop being so immature, selfish, insecure, emotionally stunted, shut down, manipulative and subconsciously sadistic. Oh and most of all, abusive, although I always choked on that word. I just couldn't buy that. I took all the responsibility for often being so inconsiderate as to trigger my wife into a meltdown, never knowing how to be there for her the way she needed once she was there, for being "emotionally withdrawn" and taking away all the passion and romance I promised in the beginning. But I just couldn't get past the idea that any of that is abuse. But I took the remaining narrative in, and I believed that if I just tried hard enough, everything could get better. My wife would not have the regular blowup, and I would be such a better partner. I thought that for 26 years.

Then all at once, after learning our teen has borderline tendencies, the pieces fell together right in front of me. All of what had felt like a bizzaro world to ourselves sometimes might really be just that. Not me being a bad partner or not trying hard enough - just a very real mental disorder. My wife has never gotten a diagnosis of BPD - she is deeply offended by any suggestion of it - but the more I read about it, the more it makes sense.

This has created a difficult dilemma for me. I want to be supportive and loving, but suddenly I can't feel the overwhelming guilt and responsibility. I just see the patterns for exactly what they are. It's hard to even be upset about any of it most of the time, and that sure doesn't help with her feelings that I am emotionally unavailable.

Right now, we are 36 hours into another big blowout. My wife has been alternating between debilitating trauma at times and ranting about needing to leave this worthless relationship/partner at other times. She is devastated that I "brutally assaulted" her - referring to when I pushed her away and at one point pinned her down so that she couldn't hit or throw things at me. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about it but I don't see that I had any choice other than to absorb the attacks.

Do people understand this no-mans land that I am in right now? My wife wants to be thoroughly validated, and the urge to do that is overwhelming. But what I really want to do is say hey, the only way I can see myself staying in this relationship is if you go get evaluated and stick with treatment. That's just a complete turnaround from the validation trap I have been stuck in for all this time. I just don't know how to suck it up and dive off that cliff! I am afraid I will just default instead to appeasing, just so we can have a hallway decent Christmas!

I am glad you are here and I am sure it must be frustrating and sad going through what you are experiencing.  What you are experiencing is very common with many on here.   I personally can relate as last Christmas I “woke up” out of the F.O.G. Of a 25 year marriage and had a ton of the similar feelings as you.  I didn’t have the tools to manage I am in a much healthier place now and we are still married and the yelling and emotional abuse is substantially lower.  There are a lot of really good resources here to learn.

Some recommendations of what to do:
1) Educate yourself on BPD and how to live with someone with BPD.  Especially de-escalation techniques.  S.E.T. has been a lifesaver for me, but takes a ton of practice and was very awkward at first for me.
- “I hate you, don’t leave me” - Jerold Kreisman
- “Loving Someone with a Borderline Personality Disorder” - Shari Manning
- “Stop walking on eggshells” - Paul Mason
- “Co-Dependent No More” - Melody Beatti
2) Get yourself an individual therapist for a short time to get yourself out of the emotional abuse F.O.G. cycle.  You can work on how to have healthier boundaries so you can begin to feel human again instead of everything being your fault for not trying hard enough.   There are lots of inexpensive online therapists.  This helped me and I only needed about 3-5 months to clear my head and build a plan - I feel much better now.  Emotional detachment you are experiencing is very normal response to emotional abuse.  It happened to me too.
3) Don’t tolerate the emotional abuse - build boundaries for yourself of what is not acceptable.  Stay calm in the hurricane, and disengage until she is calm.  In the FOG it was hard to conceptually understand boundaries - so as an example to help my hard boundaries are:
- I will not have a conversation in a room that you lock/block so I cannot escape
- I will not be physically restrained into a conversation
- I will not participate in a conversation where I am called names or berated
- I will not participate in a conversation where I don’t feel emotionally safe (yelling, screaming, aggressive etc.)
- I will not participate in a conversation that goes longer than I can emotionally handle (rants could go for hours and in circles)
…etc..
4) Find or make yourself a safe place.  I choose the guest bedroom/a walk/yard work/grocery shopping as neutral places to escape and allow things to cool off before re-engaging.
5) Build a healthy emotional support system of friends where you can laugh and blow off stress and realize you are a good person - but are just in a toxic environment.  What you are dealing with others won’t understand, but laughing and interacting with other “normal” people will help.  I joined a running club - but you find what works for you.


Finally - For me this was the biggest and hardest part: When I was in a more educated and emotionally confident place, I had THE hard discussion about therapy.  I didn’t talk about BPD (very triggering), but I did talk about what she does and how I feel when it happens.  I said that something needs to change and it can’t continue like this.   Of course feelings of abandonment kicked in, and I assured her - that was not my plan, but the current pattern can’t continue.  I asked her to go to therapy to get help.  She of course quipped back that it was my issue and I should - and I calmly explained that I had been for three months - which shocked her because I was always so against therapy.  It angered her too because she felt she should have known -  I explained that I don’t feel emotionally safe around her and can’t share things.  This is why I want her to go to therapy.  Have a list of DBT therapists she can pick from as her choice - not forced.   Many BPD’s are very loving and caring - if the conversation is from a place of love and you let her see how hurt you are, - it worked for me and she started counseling.

Keep talking - you aren’t alone.

[Pook075]

...in the crappiest character drama ever made, starring my wife. For 26 years. During most of that time, I bought it all. I am starting to understand now, but I have no idea what to do next.

All that time while I was deep in it, I accepted the narrative that she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and we could have it all if I could just stop being so immature, selfish, insecure, emotionally stunted, shut down, manipulative and subconsciously sadistic. Oh and most of all, abusive, although I always choked on that word. I just couldn't buy that. I took all the responsibility for often being so inconsiderate as to trigger my wife into a meltdown, never knowing how to be there for her the way she needed once she was there, for being "emotionally withdrawn" and taking away all the passion and romance I promised in the beginning. But I just couldn't get past the idea that any of that is abuse. But I took the remaining narrative in, and I believed that if I just tried hard enough, everything could get better. My wife would not have the regular blowup, and I would be such a better partner. I thought that for 26 years.

Then all at once, after learning our teen has borderline tendencies, the pieces fell together right in front of me. All of what had felt like a bizzaro world to ourselves sometimes might really be just that. Not me being a bad partner or not trying hard enough - just a very real mental disorder. My wife has never gotten a diagnosis of BPD - she is deeply offended by any suggestion of it - but the more I read about it, the more it makes sense.

This has created a difficult dilemma for me. I want to be supportive and loving, but suddenly I can't feel the overwhelming guilt and responsibility. I just see the patterns for exactly what they are. It's hard to even be upset about any of it most of the time, and that sure doesn't help with her feelings that I am emotionally unavailable.

Right now, we are 36 hours into another big blowout. My wife has been alternating between debilitating trauma at times and ranting about needing to leave this worthless relationship/partner at other times. She is devastated that I "brutally assaulted" her - referring to when I pushed her away and at one point pinned her down so that she couldn't hit or throw things at me. Don't get me wrong, I feel terrible about it but I don't see that I had any choice other than to absorb the attacks.

Do people understand this no-mans land that I am in right now? My wife wants to be thoroughly validated, and the urge to do that is overwhelming. But what I really want to do is say hey, the only way I can see myself staying in this relationship is if you go get evaluated and stick with treatment. That's just a complete turnaround from the validation trap I have been stuck in for all this time. I just don't know how to suck it up and dive off that cliff! I am afraid I will just default instead to appeasing, just so we can have a hallway decent Christmas!

Welcome to the forums, and I'm very sorry for what you're going through. 

Your story resonated with me so much because I did the exact same thing- if I just love her a little more, then everything will be okay.  But as my wife of 24 years became more and more distant, more depressed, more broken, it pushed me away and led to all that same stuff inside me. 

Like your story, we also had a child diagnosed with BPD...but I never saw the connection since my wife's struggles seemed so different (kid raged with hate, wife mostly shut down but occasionally got mean).  Our doctor believes that my wife has BPD as well and that's what led me here initially maybe 2 months ago.

My wife left out of the blue 4 months ago, no argument or anything, and I thought it was the end of the world.  It crushed me to the core, and I thought the same thing you just said- if I love her even more and show her how she was wrong to push me away, everything will be fixed quickly.  Only, that wasn't the reality she was in, and I was so down and depressed that I stopped being myself.  This forum helped A TON...honestly more than a short-term therapist did...because it helps you understand what your spouse is going thru and how we inadvertently add fuel to the fire. 

Invaluable stuff here, go through all the lessons at the top of the forum and the sticky posts.

Four months later, I'd still like to reconcile because of my faith.  But I've also reached the point where I realized that my marriage has been broken for awhile and I can't personally fix it.  Like they say, it takes two to tango.  What I can do is step away from the abusive stuff and focus on making myself the best version of me, which has been liberating in so many different ways. 

I feel for you since we pretty much have the exact same story.  Feel free to reach out anytime to rant, talk, or anything else.  As I said earlier, this community is amazing and you'll find a lot of hope here regardless of which path you choose to move forward.