I don't know who she's interacting with

[Modron]

apparently it's me.
So, the holidays haven't been just awful with outbursts. I've brought up doing a few things around the house, gently, because I know this will trigger her. We have a light kit on a ceiling lamp that I shorted out accidentally (ironically enough I hit it with a floor lamp I was carrying). I have tried to go about this gently for months. We bought the replacement kit together. I get overwhelmed with dread and anxiety often when I need to do these projects. Maybe I waited too long to put on the replacement kit? Maybe? I don't know. I constantly second guess myself out of fear of how she'll react to everything. So, I had the original kit off the fan. I was disassembling that, and she sits beside me and starts shoving her phone in between me and the work I'm doing: "Here look at this. I forgot to show you this." Repeatedly. So, I'm trying to work with an electrical fixture and wires and connections. Ummmm. And I know that if I say anything to her about me needing to be able to concentrate and see what I'm doing, it'll probably trigger a huge outburst. I'll be to blame for every unhappiness she's experienced in her entire life. She should never have been with me . I've created no place for her. Etc. She used to run away. Get in her car, leave - she was new in town. Once I found her in a park sitting crying, beside herself, on the ground with her back against a tree, in agony. I'm not sure she even remembers it. She gets so split she can't imagine she'd ever do such a thing. But it's seared in me forever.
I'm so tired from it. I'm so tired of being blamed. I'm so tired of losing my confidence. (Or of having my confidence screamed, belittled, and criticised out if me.) I'm so tired of the double binds. Of the conditions of ... stressful ... situations being framed so that I can't do anything right. That I will always be a failure.
Only, I'm not a failure. I'm an accomplished person. Who the heck is she interacting with? I don't like being baffled by this mental illness. I don't like losing myself to this mental illness.
So, the replacement light kit was of much lower quality than the original. Ordering a replacement of the original is costly and time consuming, because they're on back order. So, I decided to take the original to be repaired which, of course, was the stupidest thing I could ever do.  Additionally, we took a couple of lamps of my wife's that had been her grandparents' to have them rewired. How anyone could be so hateful at having these done for her ... I shouldn't be surprised. The lighting place called in a couple of hours to let us know they were all done. And, she's surprised and happy. We haven't seen the fixtures yet. Assuming everything works this will be a good outcome. I will not have been a complete idiot who needs to have my soul crushed.
This stupid, worthless person she sees and interacts with isn't me. I'm just not that bad. I miss being hopeful and delighted and lighthearted.
...And there are so many more things that have to be done.

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[Pook075]

Hi Modron.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I can relate to your entire story since it was present in my 24 year marriage as well.  We haven't reconciled yet after almost 5 months, but I fear the same outcomes you mentioned if we do.

As I read your story, it made me think about the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  If you hadn't read it yet, it might be very worthwhile.

[kells76]

That hurts, to have someone so close to you not see you.

Even though, like you mention, if it all works out, she'll probably be happy and you'll be the greatest... that doesn't mean you can just forget, or emotionally forget, how she interacted with you beforehand. Or, rather, how she interacted with this sort of hologram-you.

You guys have been together for a while, right? Has her "filter" of you gotten worse/more negative over time? Mostly stayed the same (except for the "honeymoon period" I'm guessing you had)? Gotten better? Other?

[Go3737]

I hear ya.

After 39 years.

Filed two weeks ago, I walked out yesterday.

I feel sad, and heartbroken, and guilty, and like a failure.

I love her deeply but couldn't take the drunkin' rages and nutty behavior any longer.

I am in my later years and the future both inspires me and scares the crap out of me.

Money will be tight.

But tonight, I have peace.

Tomorrow night is New Years Eve.
The first one ever alone.

[Modron]

*****Long post*****
This is my fourth attempt at replying to the question of whether her filter of me has gotten worse or better. The other three replies were discombobulated and made me realize I need to find a therapist.

My sense of it, if I can make it make sense is that I'm not sure she sees me, but ... there are moments when I can assert myself and get her attention. After about 10 years together and lots of therapy I needed to be done with not being seen. About 5 months ago I told her that I had always intended for my home to be a peaceful lovely place. And, that if all she was going to bring to it was hatred maybe I'm not the person for her. I mean, I was waking up every morning to someone who was negative and in a rage. And ending every day with someone who hated 80% of their day and continually shared about how horrible the night's sleep would be. There was little rest or peace. I guess I was at the point where the relationship was just too painful and destructive to keep going. So, I, basically, started inviting her to leave, to go back to her hometown that she tells me is so much better than here. She never took me up on it, but she stopped being hateful and angry the minute she got out of bed.
Then she raged at me over a considerate, thoughtful thing I did. She did this right before she left to go to dinner with friends. She was incredibly hateful to me, and I didn't let it go. I'm not saying this is for every relationship or that what I did showed terrific judgement. But, I was so mad I got in my car, called her, and headed to the restaurant with every intention of confronting her there. I probably looked like a maniac, and I'm sure it wasn't the safest thing, but I told her, loudly, exactly how I felt about the way she had treated me while I was driving to the restaurant. And she didn't hang up on me. She had spent years telling docile me how angry and horrible I was to her, and she was getting real anger from me - not her made up, pretend, projected crap. I don't know, my therapist told me she respected me more because I was standing up for myself. I had been doing that, I guess, with defining the peaceful home life I wanted and inviting her to leave and go back to her hometown (where everything is better). And since all of that she's been nicer.
I don't know how much she sees me, still. I know that she's nicer. She still talks over me constantly and listens to very little of what I say. She still projects A LOT of her ideas onto me and says they my ideas. She tells me I want stuff that I have no interest in, but she does. (Like the thing she bought for herself as my birthday present.) She  -- pushes (?) -- these new boundaries. Like we got a neighbor movie passes as a gift. Possibly all three of us were going to a show together. The neighbor and I (we've been the movie goers) have been wanting to see a movie my wife didn't have an interest in. That wasn't a big deal. But, I was running late asked to use my wife's car to drive the neighbor and me to the movie. My wife became completely unhinged. Yelled at me, tore me down, criticized - it just wasn't justified. She was making our neighbor and me later and later and completely ruining any enjoyment for me. I, frankly, didn't care that she had gotten emotionally disregulated. I am at the point that my happiness matters. I stayed calm, but I asked her if her point was to ruin my outing. She looked stunned. Like it never occurred to her that that was the effect of her rage. I left calmly. On the drive to the theater I thought about it. She wasn't triggered by the movie not being one she wanted to see or me going out to have a good time. She was freaking out over the little bit late timing and the fact that she thought her car was too messy for the neighbor to ride in. Like completely unhinged, hateful -bizarre- raging. No way I was getting into that and messing up my own happiness.  Went on with my neighbor and saw a movie we really enjoyed.
When I got home my wife had regained her composure. We had a dinner to get ready for. For a brief moment she looked like she was going to launch into me again. I really don't know why she didn't, unless she saw my invitation for her to move back to her hometown written on the tip of my tongue and thought better of getting nasty. She helped me on the drive by monitoring the GPS, instead of being on Facebook which she even said, to the dinner and back. We went to our dinner which was all about her creative side, enjoyed wonderful company, and had a great time.
Being to the point that I can invite her unhappiness out of my life has been an enormous part of things getting better for me, and possibly for her(?). In the past, I have paid off her debts, provided food, and given her a roof over her head. I have encouraged and supported her interests only to be treated badly by her in return. I felt guilty because I thought she couldn't survive on her own. I tried to think of ways to help her move on by setting up a fund with money to start a new life.
Now, a family member of mine pointed out that my wife's family would take her in and make sure she has a place to live. So, that doesn't have a strangle hold on me. She's been gainfully employed for awhile. (Although she doesn't earn enough to cover the debts I didn't pay and allow her to live on her own, too.) She has checking and savings accounts and was able to pay off her car.
And I'm exhausted and I want to make a go at happiness. I don't know how much she sees me or how much she doesn't, but when I need her to I will assert myself calmly and not overreact much to my hurt feelings or sense of loneliness. The feeling of loneliness is difficult and sad for me. Also, I'm trying to do things I enjoy whether she likes it or not. And if those are things she rages over or ridicules and she can't get over it, then she's welcome to leave the place that causes her so much unhappiness.

[Whoisjohngalt86]

I felt while reading this that the OP was putting to words my daily life for the last 8 years.

I'm sorry, I'm new here. So I don't really have much in the way of support. All I can constructively offer is to let you know you're not alone.

If this is an inappropriate reply I apologize in advance.

[kells76]

Hi Whoisjohngalt86, glad you reached out and related. It's really one of the strengths of this group -- this feeling of "Oh my gosh, I'm not alone... that's my life, too". So, finding something in another member's post that resonates with you, is just fine.

I want to encourage you to start your own thread whenever you feel comfortable. Let us know what brings you here and what kind of support you're looking for, and we'll be happy to chat with you.

Again, welcome;

kells76

[kells76]

Being to the point that I can invite her unhappiness out of my life has been an enormous part of things getting better for me, and possibly for her(?). In the past, I have paid off her debts, provided food, and given her a roof over her head. I have encouraged and supported her interests only to be treated badly by her in return. I felt guilty because I thought she couldn't survive on her own. I tried to think of ways to help her move on by setting up a fund with money to start a new life.
Now, a family member of mine pointed out that my wife's family would take her in and make sure she has a place to live. So, that doesn't have a strangle hold on me. She's been gainfully employed for awhile. (Although she doesn't earn enough to cover the debts I didn't pay and allow her to live on her own, too.) She has checking and savings accounts and was able to pay off her car.
And I'm exhausted and I want to make a go at happiness. I don't know how much she sees me or how much she doesn't, but when I need her to I will assert myself calmly and not overreact much to my hurt feelings or sense of loneliness. The feeling of loneliness is difficult and sad for me. Also, I'm trying to do things I enjoy whether she likes it or not. And if those are things she rages over or ridicules and she can't get over it, then she's welcome to leave the place that causes her so much unhappiness.

Modron, these paragraphs of yours stood out to me. I think I picked up on a lot of pieces falling into place for you -- like accepting that if she is so desperately unhappy, she is welcome to not stick around whoever/whatever makes her unhappy. It reads to me like a combination of boundaries plus radical acceptance.
And it's still sad and lonely, like you said. I suspect this is not how you wanted your relationship to be.
I hope that your calm, stability, appropriate reactions, and prioritization of self care can shift the dynamic in your relationship. Let us know how your days are going.