Broken up with on Christmas

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I went to my BPD partner's family home in Minnesota for the first time, for the holidays. Everything was going well, too well! I got along with the family so well, it eventually triggered her senses of not belonging, not feeling good enough, jealousy, and other emotions. After hours of passive aggressive behavior and downward spiraling she eventually broke up with me, a day or two after Christmas, while we were still staying at her family home. I'm at the airport now leaving Minnesota and realize just how sick I am of this behavior and I'm done making excuses for her. We've been in a turbulent on-and-off relationship for 5.5yrs, so this this isn't my first rodeo. This is my first time entering this community though, and I'm hoping to get help cutting her out of my life and moving on from this toxic relationship. I know I sound angry, because I am - it hurt to fly to Minnesota to spend Christmas with her and her family only to be broken up with.

[Imsickofthis]

Hi All,

I went to my BPD partner's family home in Minnesota for the first time, for the holidays. Everything was going well, too well! I got along with the family so well, it eventually triggered her senses of not belonging, not feeling good enough, jealousy, and other emotions. After hours of passive aggressive behavior and downward spiraling she eventually broke up with me, a day or two after Christmas, while we were still staying at her family home. I'm at the airport now leaving Minnesota and realize just how sick I am of this behavior and I'm done making excuses for her. We've been in a turbulent on-and-off relationship for 5.5yrs, so this this isn't my first rodeo. This is my first time entering this community though, and I'm hoping to get help cutting her out of my life and moving on from this toxic relationship. I know I sound angry, because I am - it hurt to fly to Minnesota to spend Christmas with her and her family only to be broken up with.

[Turkish]

I so sorry, and I hope you get a flight home given the weather.

Two years before our breakup, my ex and her mother got into "it" over "something" Christmas day and she stormed out of her parents' house by herself, leaving me and our baby. Likely you may have been a convenient avatar for her pain (projected) and issues with her family.

[SinisterComplex]

I so sorry, and I hope you get a flight home given the weather.

Two years before our breakup, my ex and her mother got into "it" over "something" Christmas day and she stormed out of her parents' house by herself, leaving me and our baby. Likely you may have been a convenient avatar for her pain (projected) and issues with her family.

^^^This is the most likely culprit as Turk mentions. Unfortunately, while there may be some universal triggers each individual has their own unique triggers. Of course you will never know what they are until they happen. Your situation does indeed suck and I know it hurts. However, here in this community you are not alone. We do get it. So welcome to the fam. Happy you found us and happy you joined us. Unfortunately, not so happy you had to go through what you have to have to seek us out. Keep venting here though. Share as much as you want and ask as many questions as you need to. We have your back here.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Imsickofthis]

Thanks Turkish.

She also communicated that felt she was doing something "nice" to me, by giving me such a good reason to help me move on.

In her words, she wants me to feel angry, tell all my friends how 'crazy' she is, and 'help' me move on. That's why she's giving me such a great excuse as breaking up with me at her family's house over Christmas.

Obviously I know she's just putting up defenses and this was not part of any prepared plan. I'm so prone to forgive her because I know her behavior is coming from a place of deep insecurity, and I feel bad for her. But that behavior feels unhealthy, I don't condone it, and I don't want to have a family with that "Mr. Hyde" persona as the mother!

She's never sought help, I doubt she ever will. I think I need to cut her out, but it's so difficult because she's just so amazing otherwise.

[Imsickofthis]

Thanks SC, really appreciate it

[Couscous]

But that behavior feels unhealthy, I don't condone it, and I don't want to have a family with that "Mr. Hyde" persona as the mother!

What a coincidence! I literally just told my husband last night that I have no idea how to navigate having a relationship with my Mr Hyde of a BPD mother.

You are doing the right thing for your future children, as long as you don’t find a new BPD partner, which is very common on these boards. 

All the best to you.

[Go3737]

After 39 years... BOOM

Christmas and the last drunkin rages and crazy behavior I could take.

I'm out.

You may feel like you miss very badly, like a drug addict needing a fix. And if you communicate with her in any way you will feel much better. It's like being hooked on a drug.

It HURTS SO BAD.

I went back after 3 months separated in July.

Filed two weeks ago. And left yesterday.

[Dad50]

One of their defense mechanisms, and almost super powers, is that we feel inexorably sorry for them even when they are destructive to us.  We see their deep pain, and source of their self destructive behavior. Our empathy gets us in big trouble. I am terrified my exUBPD will feel sad, so that I don't think clearly. We think they think like us, but they are so emotionally void they don't have empathy for us.

Your empathy towards your ex, much like mine, much like most of ours, is something we have to work to move past.

[Couscous]

Our empathy gets us in big trouble.

Amen to that! It’s high time we start “selfishly” having a little empathy for ourselves and overcome our self-sacrifice schemas once and for all regardless of how much anxiety it may cause us at first. Maybe being unselfish kept us safe as children, but now we must “put away childish things”…

[Turkish]

Is it empathy for empathy's sake, or is it transactional? That is, do we get something out of it?

[Couscous]

It’s fundamentally a survival strategy, so yes, it’s probably primarily transactional. But young children do exhibit empathy towards their peers so perhaps not 100% transactional.

[Turkish]

Is survival for children who don't know any better, and i hear you about breaking free from childhood schemas. Successful detachment and boundaries depend upon knowing why.  It's hard to reason this in the midst of emotional crisis.

[Dad50]

Is it empathy for empathy's sake, or is it transactional? That is, do we get something out of it?

For sure. There is part of us that probably needs to feel like the caretaker. There's probably a little bit of grandiosity in that I actually feel like I am somehow responsible for someone else's feelings.

However, I believe that there is a sincere part of us that doesn't like to see suffering. It bothers us. We probably have to large of a sense of responsibility for the suffering of others. We're also probably a little self centered in that we thing the BPD suffers just like we would. They probably don't.

So yes, it is a combo platter of sincere empathy and transactional need to be a caretaker.

[ForeverDad]

The big holidays are top of the list of triggers a person with BPD (pwBPD) may have.  Others may be packing for travel, actual travel, your friends, your family, etc... and eventually, given enough time, YOU.

Obviously I know she's just putting up defenses and this was not part of any prepared plan. I'm so prone to forgive her because I know her behavior is coming from a place of deep insecurity, and I feel bad for her. But that behavior feels unhealthy, I don't condone it, and I don't want to have a family with that "Mr. Hyde" persona as the mother!

Forgiving is not the answer.  The wash, rinse, repeat cycle would just continue.  She would have to change, improve her perceptions and behaviors.  That would be  monumental task that almost no one can do on his/her own.

She's never sought help, I doubt she ever will.

Most acting out seriously disordered people are extremely resistant to therapy.  Sure, it would help them.  But understand too that if you have to face the fact that you had a serious perception or behavioral issue, would you - could you - tackle that issue?  Or would you just keep on limping along?

This does not mean it's okay to be her Whipping Boy (look it up) anytime she's under stress or whatever.  Nor be whipsawed back and forth with alternating love and hate on an emotional roller coaster.  There is a reason so many here had to terminate a relationship before it became even more complicated.

The complication I'm warning about is having children with the problem person.  You're not married now and can walk away as she suggested... but if you imagine that going ahead and having children with her will fix her deep mental health issues, you're in for a huge surprise.  Having children does not fix problems, but it does make them vastly more complicated.

[Turkish]

Dealing with a pregnant woman in SI (when I found her, and I saved the SI note she left on our computer) wasn't a good Christmas. I encouraged her to share with her family her diagnosed depression and that helped on that side for a while. It didn't fix anything though.

[Couscous]

So yes, it is a combo platter of sincere empathy and transactional need to be a caretaker.

Agreed that it’s the compulsive caretaking that’s the problem. Being empathic doesn’t necessarily mean that one must do something. With BPD the most loving thing one can actually do for the person is in fact, nothing, because then they can learn how to take responsibility for managing their own emotions, because it’s their self-abandonment that is causing them all the trouble in the first place.

But not caretaking is a highly risky proposition, because if they no longer need us then they could possibly leave us.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Well staying will not cure or make her condition better.  So you need to focus on yourself

[Couscous]

Well staying will not cure or make her condition better.  So you need to focus on yourself

And yet not staying would mean having to be alone, (unless you overlap relationships with is not healthy) and being alone can be frightening proposition for many partners of pwBPD…

[ForeverDad]

And all too often 'staying' will get progressively worse as time goes on.  And especially if the disordered person rejects therapy.

If you feel you must stay, then consider "staying for now" as a holding pattern (like planes circling an airport a few times while determining a safe landing procedure) while you figure out what direction your life must take so you can prosper without having your current woes hanging over your head endlessly.

As for your own life, you would be wise to fill any slow time with activities such as walking, hiking, exercise outdoors, joining uplifting conversations and groups, etc.  Me?  I always planned an annual vacation in the Rocky mountains and National Parks.  Though retired, this past year (may be my last healthwise) I spent weeks going around all the nice places I'd discovered in prior years.