Hi, I'm new here. I want to preface this post by
saying I am not 100% sure my ex has BPD. In the 10 months we saw each other she only said things like
"I am not normal" "I am emotionally labile" "I am not capable of reciprocating your love for me" "I am very selfish"
At the time I did not not even know anything about BPD or any of the possible Cluster B disorders she may have been suffering from. It wasn't until I was in the insane "trauma bond" phase I started getting more info and connecting some dots. Anyway.. here's my sad story.
I had never experienced a crazy relationship like this in my life! I was 50 at the time she was 45. We hit it off magically from day 1 like a couple. That "love bombing" or "idealization" lasted maybe a month "you're my person!" "marry me!". Then the first red flag appeared. She was constantly begging me to go to concerts with her. Twice she ghosted me at the last minute to take someone else. No apology for being rude and wasting my time. Then a week later she would be happy and want to get together like nothing had happened. By this time for whatever reason I had fallen for her. Nothing made logical sense other than we were like mirrors of each other and that roped me in hard despite the frequent indifferent brush offs. She is attractive, extremely intelligent, and is a PA-C neurosurgeon. She has had a lot of tragedy in her life. She suffers from the awful Crohn's disease, lost her pro golfer husband in an auto accident, and her dad to brain cancer who she took care of while she was in med school in her 20's. And at some point had a stroke on top of all the Crohn's related surgeries. That being said things were awesome whenever we got together in person. We had so much fun it wasn't just sex and leave. We were bonding, one sided of course as she could not reciprocate.But another red flag popped up that I inexplicably chose to ignore. She had to always drink a bottle of wine when I came over. One time she texted me "It's BS that I have to drink to emotionally open up to you!" "you deserve better" Anyway because I did not want to rock the boat I told her let's just be casual and fun even though I did really love her and wanted an exclusive relationship. We talked about marriage from time to time. She had told me she was always very independent and never really lived with a man even when she was married. As her golfer hubby was always on the road. As the months went by the honeymoon phase wore off, and more red flags appeared, but love truly is blind sometimes. She would go out of her way to criticize me, put me down, constantly ask me for affirmation "Why do you love me?" then childish things like "I love you! No I take that back" "You're not my boyfriend! but you kind of are hehe" like she was an immature teenage girl. Her laughter to tears to rage emotions would flip so quick my head would spin. I would say something wrong and she would angrily say "I need you to leave right now!" Go to the door she flips back to a smile "no please stay" like nothing happened. Watching a video, or movie she would just start crying uncontrollably. A few months later the drummer for the Foo Fighters died and I am not exaggerating here, she went to a very dark place. Non stop crying, neediness, talk of not wanting to live anymore. I was genuinely worried for her. Then a lot of "push and pull" ghost me for a week, then all of a sudden invite me over for the weekend magic again. Matter of fact another weird thing is the worst argument we ever had was actually over a silly text exchange! She was putting me down and I'd had enough and called her a "pompous arrogant windbag!" and she went ballistic "We're broken up!" "I don't want to see your face ever again" A few days later she invites me over and says in tears "I thought I was your princess on a pedestal, you broke my heart bad" I was like "huh?" So this erratic love hate thing went a few more months. Then I made the mistake of moving into a condo near her which was not intended to cramp her style. I did want to be closer than I was but I truly believe she flipped out that day and panicked. She texted "Congratulations" then 45 min later "I am seeing someone very special and out of respect for him I would like some space" a few minutes later another text "I love him" then "we were never going to be more than friends" "we were never close" I showed some friends and they were like "that had to be her new guy texting that nobody is that cold" Long story short I gave her the "space" she requested I went no contact for about a month. I still had no idea if she actually met a new guy or made it up. Then one day I decided to send a flag up and see if we were still friends. I brought her a non romantic little bag of cat treats and some candy and a nice little friendship note card. She never came to the door so I left it and I guess she called the cops on me saying I was stalking her. I never once did her any kind of harm, or threatened her in any way. She went a step further and hired a lawyer to file a protection order against me! It gets better though. She straight up lied and twisted facts to even get the temporary one approved in the first place. The opening line sounded like it was written by a possessed demon woman who had made up her own distorted scenario in her mind "This man I dated a few times..." "His disturbing behavior escalated" We had an intimate relationship for 10 months! This woman told me she had opened up more with me than anyone in her family, exes etc. Even the judge agreed with my texts proof I was right and changed it from friend to intimate relationship in the order, but didn't matter she was the poor"victim" and the female judge literally looked up at her on the Zoom court tv thing and said "oh honey I know this is very hard for you" wtf? I knew I was cooked then no matter what the actual truth was. She ruled that "space" meant forever and as an adult man I should have known that. What? Final cherry on top of this emotional buzzsaw is 6 months into the one year order I had just came back from two months in SE Asia, and I took a major risk and sent her basically a 12 step AA type forgiveness email that my pastor encouraged I do with anyone who I ever hurt, or was hurt by. Well surprise she called the cops on me again! She knows that could get me arrested and ruin my life and did it anyway and that hurt. Yes it was a risky decision, but the officers were very nice, they can't get involved in the case, but basically said the order may have been unfair, but you still have to follow the law, don't do that again. They agreed that she could have just read it and left it that. I guess that confirms I am in the eternal bad guy "black" in her book of shattered exes souls. Lord help me!
Also I wanted to add is it possible for someone with BPD to also have major narcissistic traits?
It just hit me that one day she told me "I have been anointed by God to do what I do" "my nurses and techs all worship at my feet!" the thing is she wasn't being sarcastic when she said these things she was serious. I never forgot those bizarre statements. I had read somewhere that a lot of surgeons have Cluster B disorders especially NPD. She was very grandiose and talked about herself all the time. Not sure if a BPD person does that too? I made the fatal mistake of saying "But wait you're not an actual MD though right?" and I thought she might slit my throat she was so enraged. I don't have have any bitterness left anymore. I've moved on as best as I can. I realize she is mentally ill, can't help some things she does, and I can't take it personally. All I do is pray she is healed someday. Somewhere behind that mask and troubled mind prison she's trapped in is a very sweet and loving person that wants to be free. Ironically her fave song video we always would watch on Youtube was Foreigner-I want to know what love is. She would always cry. That makes me sad.
