Can’t decide if my relationship is healthy

[utnapishtim428]

I’ve been with my current gf for about 4 years she does not have bpd. I was previously in a relationship with an ubpd for more than 10 years. I likely have some issues asserting boundaries and expressing what I want in a relationship. I’m pushing 40 and my gf is in her early 30s. I want to get married and have kids but I just don’t know if she’s on the same timeline. Most of the time our relationship is great. She’s very sweet and definitely a big positive in my life. But… I think there are some red flags. I’d really appreciate another perspective on some of this. Maybe I’m just overreacting.

When it comes to the question of marriage, she waffles back and forth between being excited about it, and wanting nothing to do with it. She has talked about wanting to get married and on the other hand said that the thought of getting married fills her with dread. When she said that, it really hit me hard and made me think there’s no way there’s a future here.

Tonight she did something that really bothered me… maybe I’m just being insecure, idk. We went out for new years and I spent a lot of money to take her out. Every year she says that she doesn’t have a good NYE out so I thought it would be nice to go out. We went out with some friends and we were playing a drinking game. This is soo embarrassing to me… She made some comments about the size/girth of my genitals to some of my close friends. I felt that that should be a private thing between us… I’m laying in bed having a hard time sleeping thinking of all this.

I feel like she violated my boundaries. I don’t want my friends knowing intimate details about our love life, good or bad. Maybe she just made a mistake… but there’s no taking it back now.

Anybody out there that has moved from unhealthy to healthy romantic relationships with any thoughts on this? I have no idea where I stand.

[SaltyDawg]

I’ve been with my current gf for about 4 years she does not have bpd.
Okay, that's good.  Everyone has some traits of the borderline, I know that I do, like abandonment issues if Divorce is threatened, and I know that I am a codependent.

I was previously in a relationship with an ubpd for more than 10 years. I likely have some issues asserting boundaries and expressing what I want in a relationship. I’m pushing 40 and my gf is in her early 30s.
Since you are still thinking of the previous relationship, there is likely some kind of trauma bond still in play there.  When I got married to my uBPDw, we were in a similar age range as you are now two decades ago.

I want to get married and have kids but I just don’t know if she’s on the same timeline. Most of the time our relationship is great. She’s very sweet and definitely a big positive in my life. But…
Having children is a very big issue for some women, some want them, some don't.  However, keep in mind once a woman passes the age of 35, her fertility rate decends rapidly, and then falls off a cliff once 40 is passed.  Her biological clock is ticking...

I think there are some red flags. I’d really appreciate another perspective on some of this. Maybe I’m just overreacting.
Follow your 'gut' feeling on this.  You wouldn't be asking this question, unless your 'gut' feeling was triggered.

When it comes to the question of marriage, she waffles back and forth between being excited about it, and wanting nothing to do with it. She has talked about wanting to get married and on the other hand said that the thought of getting married fills her with dread.
Although, you are not her therapist, nor should you be.  However, you may want to suggest that she see a therapist to address this very question, or you guys could go to couple's therapy together to sort through these vacillating issues.  What do you know of her previous serious relationship, or are you her first?

When she said that, it really hit me hard and made me think there’s no way there’s a future here.
I can see that, especially when she was negative about it.  However, on the flipside, she is excited about it.  This behavior pattern is known as 'splitting', where you are seen as good or bad.  This is a trait of being borderline.  I know due to my personality type, I attract borderlines, like moths are drawn to the flame.

Tonight she did something that really bothered me… maybe I’m just being insecure, idk. We went out for new years and I spent a lot of money to take her out. Every year she says that she doesn’t have a good NYE out so I thought it would be nice to go out. We went out with some friends and we were playing a drinking game. This is soo embarrassing to me… She made some comments about the size/girth of my genitals to some of my close friends. I felt that that should be a private thing between us… I’m laying in bed having a hard time sleeping thinking of all this.
Two things stand out for me here.  She is triggered by NYE, so I am thinking that she might have had a previous bad experience with NYE with an ex.  Second, is that you were playing a drinking game, different people have different tolerances to alcohol, I've known a girl who was drunk after half a drink, and I have known dudes after two bottles were still comparatively sober.  Alcohol affects inhibitions differently for different people, so, it could be the booze talking when she did that, or it could be something more.  When talking about that, were you and your friends also talking about body parts, or did this come out of the blue?  The best way to work through these feelings is through therapy, individual and/or couples.

I feel like she violated my boundaries. I don’t want my friends knowing intimate details about our love life, good or bad. Maybe she just made a mistake… but there’s no taking it back now.
When she is sober (baseline) -- have a conversation on this, to figure out if it was the booze talking, or something more.

Anybody out there that has moved from unhealthy to healthy romantic relationships with any thoughts on this? I have no idea where I stand.
Well, I did move from the fire into the frying pan, so I went from an extremely unhealthy uBPD/NPDexgf [everyone told me to run] to comparatively healthy uBPDw [most everyone recommended me and her get together] which is a much more sinister situation that I find myself in.  So, it is a 'relative' term.

Best way to find out where you stand is through individual therapy, couple's therapy, with some good communication skills.

[Rev]

Anybody out there that has moved from unhealthy to healthy romantic relationships with any thoughts on this? I have no idea where I stand.

Happy new year!  And that is a really great post - because it really focusses on where you are today - with every right to set the boundaries that you wish.

How are you feeling after writing this?  I am asking because if you had the r/s with a pwBPD traits for ten years, do you think it's possible that in that r/s you had your boundaries crossed so often that you have much less tolerance now?  And, that may actually be a good thing - right?  Also, if you were to know where you stood, what might be different, do you think?  Different in your sense of self - and different in the relationship you have now?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Notwendy]

I will offer a different perspective. Maybe I am reading this wrong but it seems that the advice is "maybe you are being too sensitive to boundary violations" or "maybe you need to try harder"  

It's possible she doesn't want to settle down and have babies, at least not anytime soon. Culture reminds us frequently about our biological clocks, so I would assume she's aware of that. This is her choice to be concerned about or not.

Someone does not have to have a disorder to violate boundaries. They may be inconsiderate, immature, or just not nice. Your feelings are hurt and you are entitled to feel violated. It's not that we don't ever say anything about the men in our lives to each other, and we know there's "locker room" talk between guys sometimes too. But some things are off limits. Talking about your partner's specific intimate body parts or details is inconsiderate.

Two non disordered people might still be incompatible. No two people are alike, and many differences can be worked out. However major incompatibilities in life goals, and values can cause major problems in a long term relationship. If one person feels compelled to compromise their core self so much just to keep the relationship, they are likely to be unhappy and resentful. Major incompatibilities include: one person wants to get married, the other does not, one person wants children, the other does not. One person is committed to their religion and only wants to practice that religion in the home and raise children in it. The other does not or wants their own religion which is different.

So what I see here are potential incompatibilities. If you wish to get married and start a family and she does not, then this is one. One possibility is that the two of you are at different life stages emotionally ( this is independent of age as some women her age are also at a different emotional stage). You are close to 40 and thinking of settling down. Your idea of a nice evening is putting the ( future ) kids to bed and snuggling in front of the TV with a glass of wine. Hers might be a night on the town at a high end place playing drinking games with her friends. No judgement here- just different wishes for different people.

If this comment about your anatomy caused you to think twice- then maybe it's a good thing to begin to think twice. It's not about if she has BPD or not. It's about what YOU want for the near future and not so near future,  and if this is compatible with her wishes and goals as well.

Whatever you decide, I think it's important to tell her how that comment made you feel. How she reacts is going to be telling. We all mess up from time to time, but how we react to discussing it is informative. Stay with "I" comments. You don't have to be critical of her. Say " I felt very uncomfortable when you were discussing my anatomy with your girlfriends. I would appreciate it if you keep our intimate information between us". Now, if she sincerely apologizes and says she won't do it again, that lets you know she can hear you. If she diminishes the incident, puts you down, invalidates you, or gets angry at you for saying this, I think that tells you a lot about how considerate of you she is. (not). If you are afraid to say something to her, consider that as well.

[SaltyDawg]

If this comment about your anatomy caused you to think twice- then maybe it's a good thing to begin to think twice. It's not about if she has BPD or not. It's about what YOU want for the near future and not so near future,  and if this is compatible with her wishes and goals as well.

Whatever you decide, I think it's important to tell her how that comment made you feel. How she reacts is going to be telling. We all mess up from time to time, but how we react to discussing it is informative. Stay with "I" comments. You don't have to be critical of her. Say " I felt very uncomfortable when you were discussing my anatomy with your girlfriends. I would appreciate it if you keep our intimate information between us". Now, if she sincerely apologizes and says she won't do it again, that lets you know she can hear you. If she diminishes the incident, puts you down, invalidates you, or gets angry at you for saying this, I think that tells you a lot about how considerate of you she is. (not). If you are afraid to say something to her, consider that as well.

I agree with NotWendy on this too.

[utnapishtim428]

I really appreciate all of the input!

I did speak to her about her comments about my anatomy and she handled it very well. She said she felt really bad as soon as she said it… probably just happened because she was drinking. She wasn’t disparaging or anything, I just didn’t want everyone knowing that stuff … she agreed to respect my boundaries on that one. I felt a lot better after talking to her so thank you!

When it comes to the marriage/kids stuff, I think it probably is time to go see a couples counselor as some of you suggested. I feel like it’s a two-way street; I have my needs and so does she. Hopefully we can get them to line up… She’s a really wonderful person, I just don’t want to wait forever and grow resentful over it.

[Rev]

I really appreciate all of the input!

I did speak to her about her comments about my anatomy and she handled it very well. She said she felt really bad as soon as she said it… probably just happened because she was drinking. She wasn’t disparaging or anything, I just didn’t want everyone knowing that stuff … she agreed to respect my boundaries on that one. I felt a lot better after talking to her so thank you!

When it comes to the marriage/kids stuff, I think it probably is time to go see a couples counselor as some of you suggested. I feel like it’s a two-way street; I have my needs and so does she. Hopefully we can get them to line up… She’s a really wonderful person, I just don’t want to wait forever and grow resentful over it.

Congratulations!

[Notwendy]

I really appreciate all of the input!

I did speak to her about her comments about my anatomy and she handled it very well. She said she felt really bad as soon as she said it… probably just happened because she was drinking. She wasn’t disparaging or anything, I just didn’t want everyone knowing that stuff … she agreed to respect my boundaries on that one. I felt a lot better after talking to her.

This is a very good outcome- IMHO- that the two of you can talk and work this out. I hope that counseling can help you both find some common ground in your goals.

[BPDEnjoyer]

Over sharing is a borderline trait. What she did was inappropriate. You need to confront this issue head on right here