The Replacement Has Finally Come

[Hamster411]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

[Turkish]

Hamster411,

I'm sorry... but you're not alone. From my experience, I wasn't forgotten, but "reframed." As my buddy who knew her well said, "she thinks that relationships end. That's normal for her." He's 11 years older than me so I appreciated his voice of experience.

I was reframed as being appreciated as the father of our children, but in the negative, a failure. Things she wrote in her journals which she left me to read were what she felt at the time, and they didn't exactly jibe with what she told me later. 8 years later, she still tells the kids things that are only partly true, and leaves a lot out.

This is to be expected from someone with a BPD world view and uncontrollable emotions which lead to distorted memories.

[Fish1974]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

You hit the nail on the head - the inevitable happened. "This is what they do". This is what I keep reminding myself. My guess is that during this NC time, this person has been in the picture for your person. Hard to say for certain. You need to tell yourself that she will end up doing the same thing to this person as well. Might not happen tomorrow or the next day, but it will eventually happen. Course this is NO GUARANTEE, but you should expect that when things are over with your replacement, that she more than likely going to reach out again. I hope for you that you are in a place to make a CLEAR decision on what is BEST for YOU to do next. No one here can tell you what's right or wrong for you. Keep reminding yourself of your value. Set or keep your boundaries. This is something that I didn't do personally. I established boundaries early on in my relationship but didn't stick to them.

[Rev]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

Sending your all the shoulder to shoulder support that you need by adding my voice to the two pieces of encouragement you are getting.

Yes - once I was replaced - I really just did what all the books said - Get on with my life, grow from the experience, be on your guard should she ever come back (because its always a possibility and if it does, don't be fooled. She will be wanting something, regardless of what she said.)  But of course there's more to the story, because healing is more than just following a script.

I think that what I have learned through the discipline of "getting through it one day at a time" is that it takes time for your body to catch up to your mind. Memory is stored in the body - if you catch my meaning here. And so training your mind to think about a future without her is the first step. And for some people ( like me) these relationships are traumatic because they affect our nervous systems in ways that may not have shown themselves yet. It took me two years before the "cravings" (which can be ruminations and fixations of all kinds) stopped. The key was that I could see them diminishing over time.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense to you with this. Maybe you have a question based on what I have shared.

One thing is for sure - guard against delving too deep into shame and guilt - which can (I say can because it's only a possibility) devolve into chronic anger or chronic self-pity. If that sets in, the healing takes longer because the grief becomes protracted. Think of your life like a garden - weed in on a regular basis, mix in good fertilizer so the seeds grow, keep away the rodents from picking the fruits of you labour.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Fish1974]

Rev is spot on here!!

[brighter future]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

Hi, Hamster. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I was basically in your shoes going on three years ago. My ex abruptly dumped me after nearly two years. I was "the love of her life" and "the man of her dreams" a few days prior that happening. I was stunned to say the least. She was angry that I wouldn't propose to her (I hesitated because of her mental health issues) and said she "had nothing left to say" to me. She was talking to my replacement the next day (most likely already had him lined up) according to mutual friends. He was actually a guy she'd recycled a couple of times prior to me. A couple of weeks later she was asking for suggestions on social media where to take her date. I feel these social media posts were for my benefit mostly. They devasted me. One to two weeks after that, she declares her love for him and posts that she is in a relationship with him on social media. By that time, I'd had enough and removed her from my social media.

I spent the next 3-4 months in an emotional gutter. After that period of time had passed, it allowed me to see things a bit clearer now that I had stepped outside of the relationship. I saw how chaotic things were in my life when I was with her due to her mental health issues (and my codependency). I was nervous and on edge all of the time, slept poorly, and was having blood pressure issues. I finally realized that I did not miss feeling that way, and it just wasn't worth it any longer. By the time she had started contacting me again 5 months after the breakup, I was in a position that I didn't want to fall back into those old patterns with her. When she contacted me, I got the sense that she was trying to feel me out. The counselor that was helping me felt the same way.   If my ex would have contacted me sooner, I definitely would have been more vulnerable and may have gone back to her. She contacted me on and off for about a year after that. Sometimes I would reply very matter of factly if I chose to, and other times I would simply ignore her. She quit contacting me about 3 months after I started dating my present day girlfriend. I ran into her about 2 months ago while I was out with my girlfiend, and my ex acted like she'd seen a ghost. Needless to say, she say hello and moved on quickly.

I understand that she has married her rebound guy. All I can say is good luck to him. Mutual friends tell me that her issues are all still there, and her new hubby is catering to her every need. More than likely, he is being codependent in his relationship with her like I was.  He has his own set of problems and is recovering from chemical dependency issues.

I'll be thinking about you while you get through this difficult time. Just remind yourself that better things are in store for you. Don't let the past keep you from moving forward towards better times!

[Outdorenthusiast]

Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world?

I can hear that this hurts and, yes as others have said - this is common.  My W described it as cutting emotional ties and then don’t look back because it is emotionally overwhelming to them.  Sometimes they recycle If there is abandonment issues, but if they can fill in that hole quickly with a new “favorite person” the panic subsides.

This is going to sound insanely cliche but follow the instructions for your emotional health the same as for managing depression and grieving.  It is ok to grieve.  Surround yourself with others that care about you, take time to feel the emotions, process them, and then pick yourself back up.

This group cares, it is ok to process here too.   

[I Will Survive]

It stings like hell. It is another level of break up beyond sane people's comprehension of pain and hurt. I have had to endure the pain of the replacement too.
I just felt plain inadequate.
The trauma is bad enough from the split, but then to be confronted with this further humiliation absolutely sucks.
I felt like i had been run over by a bus, as these things happened in very quick succession. I might as well have been mugged by a gang of thugs before i got run over by the bus, i felt like crap.
I realized my replacement was in situ about 6 months after our split.
I was devastated - even though i actually had left my uBPD husband to save myself from my own breakdown.
It was still a devastating blow to my self esteem, and i felt angry and my humiliation was now complete after 14 chaotic years together.
Please stop focusing on them. Do not think it is all a bed of roses over there as well.  Please remember the replacement has been selected by an emotionally very ill person, This replacement is about to enter into an abyss of no return with extreme pain to come very soon too - just like you and i and many others have been sucked into this black hole.

I actually feel pity now for the woman who has allowed my ex to move in. She has absolutely no idea what is going to happen to her life not for better but for the absolute worse car crash relationship possible.  

Please look at this as a blessing in disguise.  That may sound trite now, I know the whole saga is the worst emotional trauma to have to endure, but i am healing it has been 10 months since my marriage ended.  Remember - the replacement may think they have hit the jackpot - we know better now - it's just an ugly trap to lure you in to the eventual death roll.
Once i admitted to myself that ignored so many red flags and i inadvertently allowed this to happen too. I forgave myself and stopped the ritual of beating myself up.  
I decided I will never let a man treat me like this again, why would you want to be with someone who hurt you so badly. This horrible event in you life will make you stronger in time.
Look forward not backwards, we were just victims in a never ending life sucking play. Same script - different cast.
Let it go, i know it's hard but you must come back to reality.
I truly wish you all the best.

ps Forgot to add that he has proposed to her and were not even divorced - that's a real kicker too.