The Replacement Has Finally Come

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

[Hamster411]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

[Turkish]

Hamster411,

I'm sorry... but you're not alone. From my experience, I wasn't forgotten, but "reframed." As my buddy who knew her well said, "she thinks that relationships end. That's normal for her." He's 11 years older than me so I appreciated his voice of experience.

I was reframed as being appreciated as the father of our children, but in the negative, a failure. Things she wrote in her journals which she left me to read were what she felt at the time, and they didn't exactly jibe with what she told me later. 8 years later, she still tells the kids things that are only partly true, and leaves a lot out.

This is to be expected from someone with a BPD world view and uncontrollable emotions which lead to distorted memories.

[Fish1974]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

You hit the nail on the head - the inevitable happened. "This is what they do". This is what I keep reminding myself. My guess is that during this NC time, this person has been in the picture for your person. Hard to say for certain. You need to tell yourself that she will end up doing the same thing to this person as well. Might not happen tomorrow or the next day, but it will eventually happen. Course this is NO GUARANTEE, but you should expect that when things are over with your replacement, that she more than likely going to reach out again. I hope for you that you are in a place to make a CLEAR decision on what is BEST for YOU to do next. No one here can tell you what's right or wrong for you. Keep reminding yourself of your value. Set or keep your boundaries. This is something that I didn't do personally. I established boundaries early on in my relationship but didn't stick to them.

[Rev]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

Sending your all the shoulder to shoulder support that you need by adding my voice to the two pieces of encouragement you are getting.

Yes - once I was replaced - I really just did what all the books said - Get on with my life, grow from the experience, be on your guard should she ever come back (because its always a possibility and if it does, don't be fooled. She will be wanting something, regardless of what she said.)  But of course there's more to the story, because healing is more than just following a script.

I think that what I have learned through the discipline of "getting through it one day at a time" is that it takes time for your body to catch up to your mind. Memory is stored in the body - if you catch my meaning here. And so training your mind to think about a future without her is the first step. And for some people ( like me) these relationships are traumatic because they affect our nervous systems in ways that may not have shown themselves yet. It took me two years before the "cravings" (which can be ruminations and fixations of all kinds) stopped. The key was that I could see them diminishing over time.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense to you with this. Maybe you have a question based on what I have shared.

One thing is for sure - guard against delving too deep into shame and guilt - which can (I say can because it's only a possibility) devolve into chronic anger or chronic self-pity. If that sets in, the healing takes longer because the grief becomes protracted. Think of your life like a garden - weed in on a regular basis, mix in good fertilizer so the seeds grow, keep away the rodents from picking the fruits of you labour.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Fish1974]

Rev is spot on here!

[brighter future]

Hi All,

So the inevitable has happened. My BPD ex has pictures of her with my replacement on her social media. A friend of mine showed me the pictures. I am struggling with feelings of hurt, anger and loss. We have been NC since August. In that time she never tried to reach out to me, send a letter or charm me. Why is this?

I have come a long way in that time, but this still stings. Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world? It hurts feeling like she just forgot me and all of our memories. We were together for over 2 years. Looking forward to reading your replies, hoping they give me some strength.

Hi, Hamster. I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I was basically in your shoes going on three years ago. My ex abruptly dumped me after nearly two years. I was "the love of her life" and "the man of her dreams" a few days prior that happening. I was stunned to say the least. She was angry that I wouldn't propose to her (I hesitated because of her mental health issues) and said she "had nothing left to say" to me. She was talking to my replacement the next day (most likely already had him lined up) according to mutual friends. He was actually a guy she'd recycled a couple of times prior to me. A couple of weeks later she was asking for suggestions on social media where to take her date. I feel these social media posts were for my benefit mostly. They devasted me. One to two weeks after that, she declares her love for him and posts that she is in a relationship with him on social media. By that time, I'd had enough and removed her from my social media.

I spent the next 3-4 months in an emotional gutter. After that period of time had passed, it allowed me to see things a bit clearer now that I had stepped outside of the relationship. I saw how chaotic things were in my life when I was with her due to her mental health issues (and my codependency). I was nervous and on edge all of the time, slept poorly, and was having blood pressure issues. I finally realized that I did not miss feeling that way, and it just wasn't worth it any longer. By the time she had started contacting me again 5 months after the breakup, I was in a position that I didn't want to fall back into those old patterns with her. When she contacted me, I got the sense that she was trying to feel me out. The counselor that was helping me felt the same way.   If my ex would have contacted me sooner, I definitely would have been more vulnerable and may have gone back to her. She contacted me on and off for about a year after that. Sometimes I would reply very matter of factly if I chose to, and other times I would simply ignore her. She quit contacting me about 3 months after I started dating my present day girlfriend. I ran into her about 2 months ago while I was out with my girlfiend, and my ex acted like she'd seen a ghost. Needless to say, she say hello and moved on quickly.

I understand that she has married her rebound guy. All I can say is good luck to him. Mutual friends tell me that her issues are all still there, and her new hubby is catering to her every need. More than likely, he is being codependent in his relationship with her like I was.  He has his own set of problems and is recovering from chemical dependency issues.

I'll be thinking about you while you get through this difficult time. Just remind yourself that better things are in store for you. Don't let the past keep you from moving forward towards better times!

[Outdorenthusiast]

Can you all provide feedback on how you were able to overcome being replaced? And why you think she did not ever try to reach out? Is going NC/not getting back together rare in the BPD world?

I can hear that this hurts and, yes as others have said - this is common.  My W described it as cutting emotional ties and then don’t look back because it is emotionally overwhelming to them.  Sometimes they recycle If there is abandonment issues, but if they can fill in that hole quickly with a new “favorite person” the panic subsides.

This is going to sound insanely cliche but follow the instructions for your emotional health the same as for managing depression and grieving.  It is ok to grieve.  Surround yourself with others that care about you, take time to feel the emotions, process them, and then pick yourself back up.

This group cares, it is ok to process here too.   

[I Will Survive]

It stings like hell. It is another level of break up beyond sane people's comprehension of pain and hurt. I have had to endure the pain of the replacement too.
I just felt plain inadequate.
The trauma is bad enough from the split, but then to be confronted with this further humiliation absolutely sucks.
I felt like i had been run over by a bus, as these things happened in very quick succession. I might as well have been mugged by a gang of thugs before i got run over by the bus, i felt like crap.
I realized my replacement was in situ about 6 months after our split.
I was devastated - even though i actually had left my uBPD husband to save myself from my own breakdown.
It was still a devastating blow to my self esteem, and i felt angry and my humiliation was now complete after 14 chaotic years together.
Please stop focusing on them. Do not think it is all a bed of roses over there as well.  Please remember the replacement has been selected by an emotionally very ill person, This replacement is about to enter into an abyss of no return with extreme pain to come very soon too - just like you and i and many others have been sucked into this black hole.

I actually feel pity now for the woman who has allowed my ex to move in. She has absolutely no idea what is going to happen to her life not for better but for the absolute worse car crash relationship possible.  

Please look at this as a blessing in disguise.  That may sound trite now, I know the whole saga is the worst emotional trauma to have to endure, but i am healing it has been 10 months since my marriage ended.  Remember - the replacement may think they have hit the jackpot - we know better now - it's just an ugly trap to lure you in to the eventual death roll.
Once i admitted to myself that ignored so many red flags and i inadvertently allowed this to happen too. I forgave myself and stopped the ritual of beating myself up.  
I decided I will never let a man treat me like this again, why would you want to be with someone who hurt you so badly. This horrible event in you life will make you stronger in time.
Look forward not backwards, we were just victims in a never ending life sucking play. Same script - different cast.
Let it go, i know it's hard but you must come back to reality.
I truly wish you all the best.

ps Forgot to add that he has proposed to her and were not even divorced - that's a real kicker too.

[Hamster411]

Hi All,

Just bumping this old thread, haven't logged in for a while. It's been 8 months since my breakup, we've been NC the entire time. As mentioned, my replacement came in January...since then I've learned she's going to marry him. Half of me feels like I dodged a major bullet. The other half feels like she's taking the foundation that we built and is just using it for another person, which hurts like hell.

In the 8 months, I've made several new, close friends, bought a house, and have explored new career opportunities. I've also talked to many girls, but these interactions have not materialized into dates or a new relationship, which is a bit disappointing. I tell myself it just takes time and will happen eventually as long as I remain social. But hearing of her moving on so drastically while I still remain single has been hard. I'm 28 so I see all my peers getting married and starting lives together and at times I feel behind, I try not to keep this mindset, but it does creep in and get me down when I feel lonely.

I believe I have healed a decent amount, but always wonder the dreaded "what ifs". What if I took her last calls to me instead of blocking her? Could we have been a success story? What if I handled situations more skillfully? What if I tried to reach out early on instead of keeping NC? I never really got any closure, just feels like everything we had fell apart so quickly. I hope more than anything to just put this all behind me one day and truly move on. I feel that will not fully happen until I can find someone else to fill the vacuum she left behind. I also tell myself that this replacement has a lot coming his way, because I highly doubt she has miraculously changed and is now stable and ready to settle down. I always look forward to reading your responses, it has helped me very much to navigate this process of detachment and recovery.

[Turkish]

I also tell myself that this replacement has a lot coming his way, because I highly doubt she has miraculously changed and is now stable

Take that to the bank. As our/my T said, "personalities typically don't change."

I witnessed an epic train wreck and later divorce which i predicted and told her. She was validated by her friends and acquaintances first for leaving me, and then later. Funny thing: she scrubbed her Facebook of all that had to do with her r/s and marriage to the guy she left me for.  She's validating herself as a powerful single women while posting memes about healthy relationships, most of which she violates. It is what it is.

We can only work on ourselves.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Hamster411,

I remember doing the same with my ex-gf, she had this new life, without me, and I was just some relic to her. I think, people with BPD, don't really care how you cared about her, and that's so hard to understand. I hate to say it, because it's hard to hear, but I don't believe people with BPD/NPD, really love you in a lasting an unconditional way, like you want and need. They are diluted as hell, so their love is diluted, and honestly, childish. Like a child, they go for shiny new things, shiny new friends, shiny new this, they don't stop and reflect, and heal, they just bounce from shiny relationship to the next.

But even if your head knows it, your heart hasn't caught up to it, and so you're confused. I guess I am going through something similar, where my heart hasn't caught up to my head. It happens in time, you can't force it. You can care for it, by expressing things and feeling things, but it's on it's own time table.

If I recall correctly two things helped me with moving on from that:

Realizing that I need my own damned love, way more than hers, and so I searched out ways to love myself, and second, realizing she wasn't worth my time, because of how she treated me, and how she acted like I was so unimportant and disposable. But whatever you do, don't judge how you feel, no matter how much it doesn't make sense, because sometimes your heart wants something so bad, that you touch the fire, even though it burns.

Turkish: Well, I think lots of people can change, but definitely people with these disorders, don't tend to put the hard work in to change. I'm sure you've changed plenty, that's why you're a mod here! You put in the hard work. I think you're right though, some parts of our personality tend to be more inherent.

[Hamster411]

Hey Hamster411,

I remember doing the same with my ex-gf, she had this new life, without me, and I was just some relic to her. I think, people with BPD, don't really care how you cared about her, and that's so hard to understand. I hate to say it, because it's hard to hear, but I don't believe people with BPD/NPD, really love you in a lasting an unconditional way, like you want and need. They are diluted as hell, so their love is diluted, and honestly, childish. Like a child, they go for shiny new things, shiny new friends, shiny new this, they don't stop and reflect, and heal, they just bounce from shiny relationship to the next.

Thanks for the reply and to the others who replied as well. Yes I agree with what you said, feeling like a relic is a good way to put it. I saw that she posted pictures with the guy she is marrying, and his mom, and I just feel so forgotten. It just makes me feel like a forgettable person and like I don't matter to anyone. Like I said, I haven't really gotten any dates since we broke up so that also kinda compounds these feelings of being invisible. Not really doing that great tonight, looking to this forum for some support.

My brain tells me this new guy is just her next victim, my heart says I can't believe she just forgot 2.5 years of being together, and replaced me. Never reached out, sent a card, nothing. The post with these pictures has "likes" from family members of hers that she had burnt bridges with while we were together; she can patch up those relationships but just forget me? It's like she's moved on, surrounded by all these people, and I'm just on my own over here. Just not really feeling well tonight, I know it will pass but I'm struggling. I'm disappointed in myself for even caring this much, or letting it still effect me this many months down the line.

[Hamster411]

Take that to the bank. As our/my T said, "personalities typically don't change."

I witnessed an epic train wreck and later divorce which i predicted and told her. She was validated by her friends and acquaintances first for leaving me, and then later. Funny thing: she scrubbed her Facebook of all that had to do with her r/s and marriage to the guy she left me for.  She's validating herself as a powerful single women while posting memes about healthy relationships, most of which she violates. It is what it is.

We can only work on ourselves.

Yep, she did the strong single woman thing as soon as we broke up. Now all her estranged family and friends (who all knew me and how good I was to her, they told me themselves) are liking her posts with the replacement. Just doesn't feel very nice, but I know I shouldn't even look at her stuff anymore. Just having a rough night.

[Turkish]

I had a couple of years of rough nights, even after I blocked her on FB. It gets better, but it takes time. Give yourself the grace of time to heal. Whatever it takes.

Yes, I'm quoting the fictional Captain America...

[Rev]

I had a couple of years of rough nights, even after I blocked her on FB. It gets better, but it takes time. Give yourself the grace of time to heal. Whatever it takes.

Echoing this ...

[SinisterComplex]

So Hamster here is my take...YOU cannot be replaced. Therefore, there can never be a replacement. Why do I say this? By using the term replacement you infer that you are willing to be put on the sidelines and pining away until this poor soul gets discarded just the same and then you jump back in the saddle for punishment. You are not a D in a glass jar break in case of emergency and you are not option 2. You are option 1 or you are option NONE! Usually in many cases the so called next one is an easier victim and more likely to get more manipulated and used.

So if you can try to take that in and use that as a different approach and perspective.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Hamster411,

How you feel is normal, it's normal to feel one thing, and think another, I do it all the time. Feelings don't need to be right or wrong, they don't need to be judged. It's okay to feel how you feel. I know it's rough feeling forgotten, and discarded. And then you're going through a lot, and your prospects aren't so great. I feel the same way in my life. That my misery pushes people away, and then I feel alone, ugly, ashamed and unwanted. It sucks to feel so naked, when you put yourself out there.

[Don Gato]

    Keep in mind that people with BPD lack object constancy. This is the "out of sight out of mind" dynamic.
If you're not physically with them your image glitches and starts to fade away. This is why they will cheat on you when you go on a business trip, or weekend fishing with buddies. Some who have gone through some DBT therapy might carry around a pic, or something that smells like you to prevent them from doing that.
When the final black brush comes out to villainize you for good, they are acting out in secondary psychopathy so empathy drops out, and they dissociate from "their" fantasy they had with you. This was one the hardest things for me to wrap my head around, when my ex just freaked out and monkey branched to a new guy with no closure after a year. Then pretended like we were never together.

[Good Intentions]

Hi All,

Half of me feels like I dodged a major bullet. The other half feels like she's taking the foundation that we built and is just using it for another person, which hurts like hell.

I believe I have healed a decent amount, but always wonder the dreaded "what ifs". What if I took her last calls to me instead of blocking her? Could we have been a success story? What if I handled situations more skillfully? What if I tried to reach out early on instead of keeping NC? I never really got any closure, just feels like everything we had fell apart so quickly. I hope more than anything to just put this all behind me one day and truly move on. I feel that will not fully happen until I can find someone else to fill the vacuum she left behind. I also tell myself that this replacement has a lot coming his way, because I highly doubt she has miraculously changed and is now stable and ready to settle down.

hey Hamster -

I empathize with you greatly. my ex & I dated for just shy of 4 years before she ended our relationship in late January 2022 (15 months ago). it was an extremely confusing breakup because it came on the heels of her being unofficially diagnosed by her counselor (who we saw as a couple) in Q4 2022, her & I opening up to my family about her disorder right around Christmas (my ex felt like "we" owed them an explanation for all of the missed events, unexplained bad moods, etc.), and her acting like she wanted to accept the diagnosis and go through DBT.

but then she changed course, decided that it was actually me who was the problem. I was labeled negative, unsupportive, quick to be argumentative, invalidating, and my favorite - not respecting healthy boundaries! coming from the person who called me a f***in POS, idiot, a**hole, psycho, miserable, etc. probably a grand total of 2000 times in our 4 years, would mock me when I was sad & crying after something horrible she'd said or done, and was occasionally physically abusive/destroyed personal property.

and of course, this negative perception of me completely contradicted the adoration, affection, and gratitude she would express at other times in the r/s - she would often tell me that I had the biggest heart and that I was the easiest "no brainer" in her life.

In certain moments of clarity, she was even able to acknowledge that she lacked certain critical relationship skills like empathy, or the ability to apologize, or the ability to forgive, and she claimed to want to work on herself so we could actually have a shot at a healthy relationship. She even "went through the motions" of counseling, pre-marital classes, etc.

But I suppose in the end, her protection mechanism against feeling anything resembling shame & guilt was too strong, and it was likely easier to cut me out of her life (as she has done with others in her past) than try something new and take a critical look in the mirror.

She was never able to acknowledge the part she played in steadily undermining the relationship by constantly threatening to leave it, frequently defaulting to emotional/verbal abuse, and ignoring all of the requests I made to simply be treated like a human being when we were in some sort of conflict.

I've had plenty of people tell me that her leaving me was a blessing in disguise, crisis averted, etc. And part of me agrees - this was clearly a toxic r/s and she made it apparent through her consistent actions that she didn't respect me or care to understand my feelings. if whatever I was thinking or feeling didn't align with her perspective, it was irrelevant.

I certainly KNOW that I deserve better than that, and one bit of clarity I've received recently is this - why should I expect this person to be capable of providing any sort of normal closure or clarity or parting peace when they were completely incapable of doing any of that when I was allegedly the love of her life and the most important thing to her?

this is a longer post than I anticipated, but I do want to touch on the portion of your post I quoted - my ex found a new guy 3-4 months after we broke up. this was (and still is, to a lesser degree) devastating for me. I actually spoke to her fairly recently, and she claimed that she grieved and processed in her own way, but it seems wild to me to be able to move on from someone you claimed to want to father your kids in just a couple months. but based on what she told me, it was intentional. she told me that she was proud of the way she moved on without looking back, second-guessing her decision, re-considering, reflecting, and not doing any of that was a conscious choice she made...that she's proud of!

PS - the lack of object constancy is another interesting topic that felt incredibly relevant in our r/s. she was completely unable to maintain any sense of a positive connection with me - the most important person in her life (her words) - when she was angry, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, or even just physically distant.

and now that we've been physically removed from each other's lives for so long (for her, you could probably also say that I've been mentally & emotionally removed as well), it's somewhat ludicrous for me to think she might somehow be able to be a part of my healing. "out of sight, out of mind" and completely heartbroken, left to pick up the pieces on my own

[Good Intentions]

hope I didn't derail the conversation with my long reply...

one other thing that I feel might be relevant/worth adding -
part of my confusion related to "how could this person who claimed to love me deeply, who claimed to cherish me and want to build a life with me, treat me with such indifference?"

and I guess the answer lies in the fact that my frustration is based on this person not treating me the way I want to be treated, the way I think I deserve to be treated, the way I hope I would treat her if the roles were reversed.

but in reality, her behavior and attitude towards me in the aftermath of our relationship very closely mirrors who she was in the relationship - lacking in empathy and generally reacting poorly to any discussion of my pain and suffering. she didn't have the ability to acknowledge me during the r/s so why would I expect anything to be different now?

[Man_51]

First of all i´m sorry for your pain and frustration.

we can read the same stories over and over again on this forum, how people suffering from a mental disorder all following the similar type of behavior and patterns.

When I studied the classes on this site it thought me a lot of really useful knowledge and explanations which opened my eyes for what I have been living through as a partner to a diagnosed BPD woman.

I was discarded after a 5 year roller-coster relationship which involved absolutely everything you can possibly come up with regarding to the disorder.

2 weeks before the discard she ask me (for the forth time) to marry her and quote: I want to live the rest of my life with you, I love you more than life it selfe...

4 weeks after that letter she moved in with her old supply.

There is a lot to this illness that cant be understood, felt or whatever for "normal" people. Their illness is hurting us deep in the core. There is no explanation, no closure or nothing, just pain, afterwards. How can they just forget about us, how can they move on so quickly and how can they be so happy like we ment nothing to them - an why are not the people surrounding them (family members) standing up for us?

It is a mental Illness, you have the answers in the learning modules on this site. Let me sum up a very valid point: It´s not what the say, their emotions are very immature, look at the action, theirs action speak the language for who they are and that they are living with thoughts they never relive with words to you.

Yes I´m hart broken, terrified, lonely and replaced. But it is an illness and it´s not what you thought it was.

Sincerely from Sweden.
 

[Journey Within]

I am so sorry for your pain.  I know it feels like you spend years of your life catering to that person and going through He** until you can't take it anymore and give up.  They find someone else and look so happy.  Well in my case he was acting very strange and distant, started displaying more and more impulsive behaviors and I didn't think he had cheated yet, but knew he would based on his behavior patterns so I had him move out and he didn't put up a fight which should have told me  a lot. He texted and called from time to time saying he was miserable bla bla. Then one day he messages me that he met someone at work (shocker, that was always the case) and they had a connection after one day of hanging out that he had never felt before (That wasn't painful at all to hear) and that this woman saw him in a way no one every had. ( I spend 7 years helping him find himself, get diagnosed, let him back after abuse and cheating because no one else would, listened to him hours on end daily talk about his issues etc. I could go on and on) There were photos of the lovely couple kissing/hugging at his families get together posted on mutual friends FB. Later found out his family invited them to all sorts of things they did not with us.  Then 2 days later I get frantic messages that he needs to talk.  I answered and he starts telling me that this new woman, the one who 2 days ago was the love of his life, soulmate etc. was kicking him out because she said he was too "needy" among other things. And in his flustered mindset he accidentally revealed how long they were together (3 months total one of those months was when he was living with me, so he was having an affair).  This woman convinced him to quit his job so she could "flirt" with managers to get a higher position & if they knew she was with him, they wouldn't promote her. This was the only job he has really had that accepted his BPD behaviors and now he had no job and no where to live.  He then begged for days to let him stay with me just a few days...I did because he ended up in the hospital and none of his family/friends that were once so much more important than me, who took in his new love (who also turned out to be a registered sex offender) with open arms, never thanked me for all the times they begged me to take him back over the years because they couldn't deal with him, never said, sorry things didn't work out with you two.   
It may look from the outside like they are so happy, but unless she has had YEARS of some serious DBT therapy etc. there is no way they are going to stay a happy couple, so it will likely be more about how long the new man in your ex's life will allow her behaviors before he can't take anymore.  BTW...My ex is still at my house 8 months later working on intensive counseling, facing things he has never faced before and I keep finding out more things he did when we were together, wasn't just the female that kicked him out.  He is now making my life miserable & I have been paying his speeding tickets and leaving the scene of an accident he caused so he wouldn't go to jail. But he has taken things too far so I told him to find a place to go.  This time he is putting up a huge fight and it's a real problem.  Part of me is sad and will miss him terribly...the lovebombing part & the bestfriend when he is not totally into himself, but I see he will never be able to stop hurting me.  You are better off without her. I am going to go into trauma therapy for myself to deal with the PTSD he caused and to figure out why I let him back so many times. I think anyone who has spent a long period of time with a partner with BPD should get trauma therapy. I hope you are able to move on and find a healthy person to be in a relationship with and enjoy life in a non-toxic way. All good thoughts coming your way! 

[Hamster411]

Hi all,

Just visiting the site tonight, it's coming up on a full year since my breakup (entirely NC). Since I was last here I have been dating somewhat regularly, just haven't gotten into a full blown relationship yet, but I tell myself that will work itself out soon enough as long as I continue to be social and date. I feel like on the eve of this one year I am finally reaching the point of acceptance and have taken off the proverbial rose tinted glasses. Last I heard about my BPDex she is set to get married in September, 9 months after she met my replacement. I struggle with not being bitter seeing how she seemingly, miraculously turned her life around and is now getting married with the support of several people she severely burned bridges with while we were together. Why couldn't she "get it together" with me? However, as the old saying goes, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, so I try to remember that when I get into the unfortunate place of comparing how she's doing to how I'm doing. I know she still posts pictures from our travels etc. and it's quite something to think that thoughts of me don't cross her mind when she looks at them. Isn't it wild how they just forget you existed? Nonetheless, I try to not give it space in my mind to the best of my ability, although I will say that a lasting effect of that relationship on me is just a sense of feeling jaded about relationships and people in general at times.

I am still working on loving myself and giving myself credit for how far I've come in the last year. I feel like my confidence and self esteem go up and down at times, but perhaps that is normal for every young-ish man (I am now 29). I do hope to settle down soon in a healthy relationship so I can see just how much better off I am now compared to what I was dealing with in the past with her. I want to experience REAL love, and not having to struggle for every crumb or walk on eggshells or wonder if the person really ever cared. Those that have been on this journey, thank you for any replies you leave on my posts, it's always interesting to come back here and read them when I've been away for a while.

[GlennT]

Great job! Keep maintaining NC. Folks coming back after a long time to update us is wonderful. Thanks. Real love will never be theirs, although they try so f'ing hard. So many times I've read here that it isn't until they leave us, become engaged, and then get married, that this personality disorder begins the same old cycle once again with the replacement. This BPD cycle is so predictable, that we would win money if we made bets at their wedding party. They are always looking for a new, better, emotional drama. Let us know when you hear all about it. Mine is on the eighth meeting, engagement, wedding, cycle since ours.