Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 02, 2023, 02:24:51 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Once Removed, I Am RedeemedTurkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, Kells76, Mutt, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD Radar?  (Read 644 times)
Outdorenthusiast
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married - uBPDw
Posts: 54


The road is narrow…


« on: January 14, 2023, 11:06:54 PM »

Has anyone else developed a sort of BPD radar when it comes to other people’s relationships?  I seem to be able to sniff them out a lot lately.  I am pretty sure one of my buddies has a BPD wife - and she is making his life miserable trying to cut him off from friends, threatening divorce, accusing him of affairs and not liking her etc….  I want to tell him about the condition because he is exhausted, but I am concerned that this type of discussion would be crossing a sensitive unspoken society boundary… anyone else feel the same?  What did you do?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2864


« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2023, 12:18:35 AM »

It seems the more self aware we become and the more educated we are about disordered people the more we spot specific disorders like BPD. I would gentlely test your friend to see how open he is about hearing what you think. My guess is if he is still with his wife, than he probably is not going to be very receptive to hearing what you think.
Logged

SaltyDawg
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 402


« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2023, 02:15:06 AM »

In addition to what zachira suggested, I would suggest a gift of the following book from you to him:

"Stop Walking on Eggshells"

by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

----

P.S.  With any mental disorder, once you learn about them, they stick out like neon signs.  I noticed this when my D had anorexia nervosa.  Now that I know about the borderline, I can sniff those and NPD people out too in the same manner, it sucks, but it is an eye opener too.
Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 789


« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2023, 02:57:52 PM »

I recall, a year or two ago "BPD" became a trending topic on twitter, maybe because of the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial, with some ridicule from all angles.  Notably, there was the "angle" of dismissing BPD, as just another thing guys say, like "yeah, all guys say their ex was crazy... Get real."

And of course, there's a well-known tendency for amateur psychologists to over-diagnose whatever the mental illness or disorder du jour is.

So if you want your friend to take you seriously, you probably need to provide some background before jumping into something like "your wife is possibly BPD."  Probably need to wait for a moment you have some time to sit down and really talk, not just mention something in passing.
Logged
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #4 on: January 17, 2023, 04:38:26 PM »

I don’t have such a radar. In fact, through my whole adult life, I have always found it immensely depressing feeling that everyone around me has a more stable and healthy relationship than me. My perception, from joining bpd family, is that us caretakers are extremely proficient when it comes to keeping up appearances and doing everything they can to make their spouse appear to others to be a reasonable and sane person and to give the impression of a stable and loving relationship. That in itself gives me comfort. Nobody knows the hell I go through in my marriage. So any other “happy” person laughing in the staff room could, truth be known, be just as miserable as me. In fact those who are happy at work are potentially even more likely to be unhappy at home.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Outdorenthusiast
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married - uBPDw
Posts: 54


The road is narrow…


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2023, 09:21:50 PM »

… is that us caretakers are extremely proficient when it comes to keeping up appearances and doing everything they can to make their spouse appear to others to be a reasonable and sane person and to give the impression of a stable and loving relationship….

That is absolutely true in my opinion.  However my opinion was thwarted over Christmas when I finally told my sister that I have been emotionally abused for >25 years.  She said “I know.”  My jaw dropped and it was like a cold ice bucket had been thrown on me.  I thought I had hid it from her.  She didn’t understand BPD - but she understood and saw emotional abuse.  In the end, I cried knowing I had someone in my family in my corner.  For those of us that haven’t taken that step - it is quite empowering and confidence boosting.  I highly recommend it!
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2023, 07:17:48 AM »

My perception, from joining bpd family, is that us caretakers are extremely proficient when it comes to keeping up appearances and doing everything they can to make their spouse appear to others to be a reasonable and sane person and to give the impression of a stable and loving relationship. That in itself gives me comfort. Nobody knows the hell I go through in my marriage.

Yes, they are. My father was a pro at it to the point that I don't think most people caught on. In addition, it became a family task. We were not allowed to speak about my BPD mother's behavior to anyone and once we were old enough to help out with household tasks, we were enlisted in this goal too.

How we kids were perceived by others played a role in this. For instance, if we did well in school, this would be accredited to my mother being a wonderful parent. So some of these expectations overlapped with what could be desirable parenting- such as encouraging kids to do well in school, do their homework but for us, the motive was different. Emotionally healthy parents want their kids to do well in school because it is in the kids' best interest. For my family, it also was to support the image that my mother was doing a good job.

My father was focused on that. He'd somehow find some way to praise my mother in public- and we have been encouraged to do the same. It's not that she is undeserving of complements or nice things but these venture into outright lies and that feels uncomfortable to do.

One memory of how we were enlisted into this is that when I was a teen, my mother signed up to bring brownies to a school function. She doesn't cook. When I got home from school, she demanded that I make the brownies. I accidentally cooked them too long and they got burned. She went into a huge rage, accusing me of doing this on purpose. I did make another batch which she brought to the school. I think people assumed she made them.

My father's family had caught on to my mother. They were wise enough to not say much about it - as if they did, my father may have cut contact with them. After he passed away, some relatives told me they saw the issues from the beginning.

Recently some of the relatives on her side have caught on to her but they didn't see it before. They thought she was a little eccentric but not the whole of it. It did feel good to hear that someone else understands the situation. I didn't initiate that conversation. We are so used to not saying anything about her and have been punished for doing so.

As to having "radar" about BPD. I don't think I can assume a diagnosis, but I can see where someone is taking on a similar role that my father has. My husband worked odd hours and so on weekends, I he was often away and I'd take the kids to the playground when they were little. There were other kids about the same age and kids, being kids, would play with them and recognize them when they were there. Their father was there too, always by himself. I never saw the mother there. When we were little, it was similar- Dad took us out on weekends, to the park, to the Zoo, to the museums. BPD mother didn't come with us. He was taking us out to both protect us from her behavior and because she could not manage doing this with kids.

So, I could see that something was up when only the dad was there with the kids, all the time. It's not my nature to chat with men in the park, but the kids became friends and so, it was even more awkward to not say anything to the dad as if he wasn't there, so we'd speak casually and we both made it clear we has spouses so there was no misconceptions. I suspected something was going on with his wife but would not ever consider asking. He'd make a few excuses for her.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2023, 07:26:11 AM by Notwendy » Logged
NonnyMouse
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 114



« Reply #7 on: January 19, 2023, 03:31:51 AM »

Yes, to the BPD radar. Also NPD, autism, ADHD, etc. But I do have a rough idea of the statistics for each so I'm careful not to be too keen to armchair diagnose! I think that's important. I see plenty of ADHD, quite a bit of Aspergers, only a couple of BPD (unfortunately including wife!), and (fortunately!) only one NPD. I find it annoying the way so many people throw around "Narcissism." They've clearly never met the real deal.
Logged
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2023, 04:15:57 PM »

That is absolutely true in my opinion.  However my opinion was thwarted over Christmas when I finally told my sister that I have been emotionally abused for >25 years.  She said “I know.”  My jaw dropped and it was like a cold ice bucket had been thrown on me.  I thought I had hid it from her.  She didn’t understand BPD - but she understood and saw emotional abuse.  In the end, I cried knowing I had someone in my family in my corner.  For those of us that haven’t taken that step - it is quite empowering and confidence boosting.  I highly recommend it!

Well done in having that talk with your sister. I’m sure that must have been difficult but worth it. Since I joined bpd family it has become more and more apparent to me that something is up with my brother’s wife and marriage (and always has been). She has strongly disliked me from the beginning of their relationship. I have barely spoken to him since they got together about 20 years ago. We as a family have always said his wife is controlling, just a few things she’s said in the short amount of time we get to see them. I have never been close to my brother. But it’s made me wonder whether, when he’s ignored my messages, did she forbid him from replying or something? I am so lonely. I wish I could talk to him about this. But I never get the chance, both our wives are always there. I don’t even know what I would say.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #9 on: January 19, 2023, 04:24:10 PM »

Yes, they are. My father was a pro at it to the point that I don't think most people caught on. In addition, it became a family task. We were not allowed to speak about my BPD mother's behavior to anyone and once we were old enough to help out with household tasks, we were enlisted in this goal too.

Thank you for sharing more of your story Not Wendy. I find it so insightful. I spent a couple of hours cleaning the house last night because my wife was supposed to be having a friend (neighbour) to visit today. I didn’t mind because I really want her to have a friend. The unspoken impression she wants to give though is that I’m the working mother and she’s the housewife mother who also keeps the house nice. But then she flipped out just before I was due to leave for work. She threw her bowl of fruit and yoghurt and my 3 year old started cleaning it up. I ended up cancelling work and she ended up cancelling the friend. I hate to cancel work but then as we’ve said before it’s best not to leave the children with her being like that, even though she’s “bullied” me into it, it is also for the best for them.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2023, 04:42:53 PM »

My BPD mother would have rages where she trashed the house. I recall in about 5th grade ( age 10 ) I had not done my homework and the teacher sent me to the principal's office. He asked me why I didn't do my homework and I told him I had to clean up the kitchen. I don't think I told him what I was cleaning up- broken dishes, food and condiment mess all over the floor- she really did trash it -throwing plates and items from the refrigerator all over the kitchen.

I don't know if my reason alarmed him or he thought I was making it up and telling a lie, but he called my mother in. She walked in calmly- my attractive, well spoken and well dressed mother and told him something, probably that I was making it up and took me home.

Not only did we learn not to say anything about what went on in our house, but also we learned that nobody would believe us if we did.

Logged
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #11 on: January 19, 2023, 05:36:39 PM »


Not only did we learn not to say anything about what went on in our house, but also we learned that nobody would believe us if we did.


I want to try and make sure my children don’t grow up having to cover up such things. I don’t want to encourage or condone such expectations. As they grow and start asking questions then I’ll surely be looking for more advice in what to tell them. My daughter was very worried, came and took my hand, her speech is limited but she was saying, “oh no! Cake!” and went to get a cloth. She does love cleaning but was clearly concerned about my wife and also came and held my hand while I got shouted at.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Outdorenthusiast
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married - uBPDw
Posts: 54


The road is narrow…


« Reply #12 on: January 19, 2023, 08:49:51 PM »

Well done in having that talk with your sister. I’m sure that must have been difficult but worth it. Since I joined bpd family it has become more and more apparent to me that something is up with my brother’s wife and marriage (and always has been). She has strongly disliked me from the beginning of their relationship. I have barely spoken to him since they got together about 20 years ago. We as a family have always said his wife is controlling, just a few things she’s said in the short amount of time we get to see them. I have never been close to my brother. But it’s made me wonder whether, when he’s ignored my messages, did she forbid him from replying or something? I am so lonely. I wish I could talk to him about this. But I never get the chance, both our wives are always there. I don’t even know what I would say.

My sister and I are similar and also family situations are similar.  We don’t talk much 1x1 because family is always around.   However, we know each other and she is the only family member I can trust to be mature.  I asked for the time with her alone as a sister and she told our families we would have sibling time by going grocery shopping.   I took her to a coffee shop and then asked if we could just sit.  I started asking how are you… and then she reciprocated with the same question and I was honest.  She said the same thing you are saying about your brother and his wife…. “I noticed she was really controlling… and we have been praying for you for a long time…” - was my sisters response.  Maybe my situation can prompt an idea or two for you and your brother.  It is hard for us non’s sometimes to “get real” with sharing our feelings - but it is worth it with someone you could trust.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #13 on: January 20, 2023, 06:09:40 AM »

I want to try and make sure my children don’t grow up having to cover up such things. I

I think it's hard to prevent this kind of influence. There's a certain kind of shame for having a disordered mother. Somehow, I feared people would think I am disordered because she is. So not only was there the fear of speaking about her due to my parent's wishes, I somehow was afraid that if people knew about her, they would not like me.

As a teen, I was afraid to bring friends home from school as I didn't know what to expect from my mother and I didn't want them to see her being dysregulated. I think it's possible to mitigate some of these feelings but I don't know if it can be avoided. Interestingly, I found out a few years ago that a couple of friends in high school also had mothers who were disordered. None of us ever knew that about each other. We didn't mention it.

Outdoorenthusiast- yes, it's a big deal to have someone you know actually "get it". Recently, a relative that has realized our situation spoke to me about it. I was very surprised to hear that, but also felt supported.
Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 789


« Reply #14 on: January 20, 2023, 10:43:39 AM »

you do what you can as a non-disordered parent.

If you're married, all you can do is put a brave face on, try to
hold your ground, and hope kids don't pick up bad habits. 

If your BPD-ex is dysfunctional or harmful enough, you hope you can get primary custody to physically and temporally limit the pwBPD's influence.

If not, if they're just bad, but not bad enough to convince a judge or jury are able to award primary or sole custody to the non, well, you can model healthy, non-disordered behavior to the kids, and take steps to monitor and address any bad habits that start.
Logged
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #15 on: January 21, 2023, 03:33:07 PM »


As a teen, I was afraid to bring friends home from school as I didn't know what to expect from my mother and I didn't want them to see her being dysregulated. I think it's possible to mitigate some of these feelings but I don't know if it can be avoided. Interestingly, I found out a few years ago that a couple of friends in high school also had mothers who were disordered. None of us ever knew that about each other. We didn't mention it.


I know my wife’s plan is for the children to have friends round here as they grow up. This is because my wife’s parents never allowed her to have anyone round when she was a child which she resented. It will be interesting how that works out because my wife often will cancel things that seem too much like “normal”. Despite what’s going on with the baby, I do feel like the huge row about me going to work and blaming me for everything the other day was somehow a huge set up to use as an excuse for cancelling the neighbour coming round. At least if we end up splitting up then the children can bring their friends to my place.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Outdorenthusiast
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married - uBPDw
Posts: 54


The road is narrow…


« Reply #16 on: January 21, 2023, 11:29:07 PM »

I know my wife’s plan is for the children to have friends round here as they grow up. This is because my wife’s parents never allowed her to have anyone round when she was a child which she resented. It will be interesting how that works out because my wife often will cancel things that seem too much like “normal”. Despite what’s going on with the baby, I do feel like the huge row about me going to work and blaming me for everything the other day was somehow a huge set up to use as an excuse for cancelling the neighbour coming round. At least if we end up splitting up then the children can bring their friends to my place.

My personal experience- the pattern will continue.  My uBPDw said the same thing when the kids were little -  (want to have kids over…parents never let her…) and yet as teens she would still cancel continuously and the kids would continuously get disheartened.  I finally have taken the role in the last two years to insist that she can go hibernate in her bedroom, but friends are coming over regardless.  Plans for our kids don’t get broken just because of her roller coaster feelings.  Sometimes I get yelled at because of it, but my kids can have a social life.  Worst case, the venue changes and I take the kids to the mall if my W is being exceptionally disrespectful.
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #17 on: January 22, 2023, 05:47:13 AM »


This reminds me of another "radar" moment. The friend group was going to  high school prom. This group had known each other since grade school and the parents all knew each other since then too. One set of parents were divorced and I am mainly friends with the mother. I guess it was the father's time with his daughter as the kids were going to his house to meet and take pictures before the event.

If someone isn't in the US and not familiar with prom, it's a big deal- the kids get all dressed up and parents want to take pictures of them and their friends- so there's often a chance to do that- so we parents went to the father's house to take pictures of the group.

The father had recently remarried. I had met the new wife once when I ran into them in a grocery store. I thought she was a bit stand offish. But I thought, well maybe she's new here and it's all new to her.

But the radar moment was at prom. She was nowhere in sight when we went to take pictures. I asked about her- maybe she was out of town? Even as a step parent- it's odd to miss the chance to see the kids all dressed up and excited. I heard she was upstairs in her room. She didn't come down the whole time, didn't see the kids or meet the other parents. She wasn't ill- I had asked if she was OK- not to be intrusive but as a polite hope she's well wish.

I don't know if they are still married or not or if they even moved. Since I mostly only saw the father at some school functions, once the kids graduated and went to college, I haven't run into him.

But I agree- better to have the kids come over and have fun. If wife wants to stay in her room- well that's her choice but the father still had people over. It's likely nobody thought anything of it, but for me, I noticed it. I don't know if the wife has BPD or not.


« Last Edit: January 22, 2023, 05:55:24 AM by Notwendy » Logged
PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 789


« Reply #18 on: January 23, 2023, 10:20:10 AM »

As my own "radar" had developed, I've found it hard to hear stories like the prom one, Notwendy, without empathizing with what the Non. is about to go through.

you just KNOW once the kids and parents all leave, the guilt trip is going to start...
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #19 on: January 23, 2023, 02:01:48 PM »

Since I was one of the parents, I was focused on the kids.

But I do understand the perspective of the non, having observed my father in this situation and I do feel empathy for them. I think our perspective is shaped by our roles, the non feels the situation from the partner's perspective. My "radar" was formed from the child's.

Logged
guitarguy09
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 217



« Reply #20 on: January 23, 2023, 04:23:33 PM »

I don’t have such a radar. In fact, through my whole adult life, I have always found it immensely depressing feeling that everyone around me has a more stable and healthy relationship than me. My perception, from joining bpd family, is that us caretakers are extremely proficient when it comes to keeping up appearances and doing everything they can to make their spouse appear to others to be a reasonable and sane person and to give the impression of a stable and loving relationship. That in itself gives me comfort. Nobody knows the hell I go through in my marriage. So any other “happy” person laughing in the staff room could, truth be known, be just as miserable as me. In fact those who are happy at work are potentially even more likely to be unhappy at home.

You really nailed it, Thankful Person! I too look around at those who seem to have happy, healthy relationships and I feel deeply sad, knowing that whatever happiness my BPD wife and I share, is only going to last until she gets upset about this, that or the other thing. I try to a certain extent to make her appear normal, but my family knows all about it and hers does too. Even the people in our church (now my church since she doesn't go anymore) know there's something wrong there. It's like a sense of shame, even though I didn't do anything wrong besides marry her (eyeroll).
Logged
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #21 on: January 23, 2023, 06:40:29 PM »

Same here with the shame, as if somehow if people knew the truth about my BPD mother, it would reflect on me somehow.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7304


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #22 on: January 25, 2023, 03:01:30 AM »

You have to be carefully though, there are a lot of mental illnesses and disorders and we can jump too quickly into calling them BPD when there are other issues at play. Also many people exhibit traits but not sufficient to be diagnosed as disorders. Its almost like wanting to be able to pick it in other relationships so we feel validated and not alone dealing with it.

We may think we can cover for it and it cant be picked by outsiders, but generally they know something is "off" but have never learned about personality disorders so dont quite know what, so dont say anything
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #23 on: January 25, 2023, 05:00:03 AM »


I wonder if the feeling that something is "off" is more about the presenting that all is normal than the actual situation. You know something isn't the usual and yet, people are pretending all is fine. Maybe that's one reason for the radar- but yes, we can't assume certainty.
Logged
zachira
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 2864


« Reply #24 on: January 25, 2023, 10:15:59 AM »

As my radar gets better at detecting unhealthy people for me to be around, I have become better at seeing who to limit my engagement with and who I need to quietly move away from. Every time I grow and change, it means ending certain realtionships, some with people who I thought were my friends. The BPD radar that we talk about here becomes more acute as we grow into healthier people, yet we have to be in a place of self awareness and strength that allows us to endure the pain to look at where we have been, where we are now, and where we want to go in terms of what kind of person we are/want to be and what kind of people are healthy to have in our inner circles.
We often talk about on this site, about the people who have no capacity for empathy and the frustration of dealing with them. Seeing this can mean you are getting ready to make some pretty big changes in how you relate to yourself and others, no matter how big the challenges are and the painful realties that lie ahead as you navigate cleaning house and setting healthy boundaries with all the people in your life.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2023, 10:23:59 AM by zachira » Logged

PeteWitsend
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 789


« Reply #25 on: January 25, 2023, 12:03:05 PM »

You have to be carefully though, there are a lot of mental illnesses and disorders and we can jump too quickly into calling them BPD when there are other issues at play. Also many people exhibit traits but not sufficient to be diagnosed as disorders. Its almost like wanting to be able to pick it in other relationships so we feel validated and not alone dealing with it.
Agree.  You can maybe detect something is "off" from a single interaction or occasion, but until you see a pattern you can't be sure.

A lot of things can affect a person's mood or look like BPD, that are temporary.  Although in our experience, since BPDers will use a lot of things to excuse their outbursts or moodiness, we may grow skeptical when we hear other people say them, but you can't allow your experience to overrule reality, and the reality is all people may exhibit BPD traits on occasion, when they're stressed or sick, or otherwise under circumstances that try their patience, but the vast majority of adults do not have BPD.
We may think we can cover for it and it cant be picked by outsiders, but generally they know something is "off" but have never learned about personality disorders so dont quite know what, so dont say anything
in my own situation, BPDxw was causing so much trouble in my family, particularly with my mom, that I finally reached out to her and a few other people and confided in them that I suspected my then-wife was disordered, possibly BPD, reassured them I loved them and knew who said what and "who started it," and suggested they read about BPD to understand more about what I was going through and so they wouldn't take anything personally.

My aunt didn't like that as much, (she was ready to fight- verbally - with my XW, LOL), but my mom thanked me for that, and said she couldn't sleep some nights worrying about things my XW said or claimed or called her.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7304


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #26 on: January 26, 2023, 02:50:22 PM »

I wonder if the feeling that something is "off" is more about the presenting that all is normal than the actual situation. You know something isn't the usual and yet, people are pretending all is fine. Maybe that's one reason for the radar- but yes, we can't assume certainty.

Yep the trying too hard to present the "perfect family" sweeping all flaws under the carpet. My wife's family are like that. Too much reliance on image, probably due to a fear of criticism, or being examined too closely. Not only is everything swept under the carpet but the edges are nailed down with no prying allowed.
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 9226



« Reply #27 on: January 27, 2023, 04:12:25 AM »

Ours wasn't as much the "perfect family" image but a "nothing is wrong with BPD mother" and to build her up in public. I think it was more shame driven than image seeking. Efforts were more to erase and deny any of her disordered behaviors and to "normalize" her. She's intelligent but has difficulty  carrying out tasks so others would do things for her and people assume she does them.

It's not unusual to see mothers alone at the park with the kids, or school functions and also sometimes see the father's alone with the kids as well. I think if a child's friend's parents are divorced, I have known that because sometimes it's the father's time and sometimes it's the mother's. They aren't hiding that. It might be that it's two fathers but we'd know that too. It seems unique to mental illness/BPD to keep that hidden.

For me though, it was almost always my father who did this- took us to school, and out on weekends. There were days my mother just stayed in the house. The reality is that I don't think she can manage kids on an outing by herself- it would be emotionally overwhelming to her. I can imagine she feels badly herself about that but rather than disclose the reason, there were all kinds of other "reasons" made up.

When my kids were younger, it was still mostly mothers doing these things with their kids. So that wasn't unusual to see only the mother. But when it is only the father and the parents are married and one doesn't ever see the mother... It's my own experience that makes me wonder if something else is going on.
Logged
waverider
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married 8 yrs, together 16yrs
Posts: 7304


If YOU don't change, things will stay the same


« Reply #28 on: January 27, 2023, 04:11:47 PM »

Ours wasn't as much the "perfect family" image but a "nothing is wrong with BPD mother" and to build her up in public. I think it was more shame driven than image seeking. Efforts were more to erase and deny any of her disordered behaviors and to "normalize" her. She's intelligent but has difficulty  carrying out tasks so others would do things for her and people assume she does them.

It's not unusual to see mothers alone at the park with the kids, or school functions and also sometimes see the father's alone with the kids as well. I think if a child's friend's parents are divorced, I have known that because sometimes it's the father's time and sometimes it's the mother's. They aren't hiding that. It might be that it's two fathers but we'd know that too. It seems unique to mental illness/BPD to keep that hidden.

For me though, it was almost always my father who did this- took us to school, and out on weekends. There were days my mother just stayed in the house. The reality is that I don't think she can manage kids on an outing by herself- it would be emotionally overwhelming to her. I can imagine she feels badly herself about that but rather than disclose the reason, there were all kinds of other "reasons" made up.

When my kids were younger, it was still mostly mothers doing these things with their kids. So that wasn't unusual to see only the mother. But when it is only the father and the parents are married and one doesn't ever see the mother... It's my own experience that makes me wonder if something else is going on.

My wife is much like this using avoidance due to not being able to organize herself, or stick to a plan, to go anywhere or do anything. There is always some "dog ate my homework" type of excuse.

Unfortunately she completely convinces herself that once an excuse is made it is totally good, and anyone who questions it is being an abusive bully, and she goes into full victimhood. Even when she effectively has used the same excuse every day of term. When it has gone way past believability she will dig in and pile on more BS, and up the victimhood. The bigger the BS the bigger the overselling it, and the insistence that she is told that she is believed and validated that its not her fault and "off the hook". Ultimately most people cave and tell her what she wants to hear.

Then it just rinse repeats, with no comprehension why she is loosing credibility. The only "out" for other parties is abandonment to avoid being pressured to validate the invalid. This then reinforces BPD abandonment and victimhood issues.

Family has no idea how to avoid this and so cover up to minimise the drama and keep the peace, and so are swept up in the whole dysfunctionality. Trying to open about it to others just opens a can of worms as no one else "gets it". eg the father at the playground gets asked by another mother "where is little jimmy's mother we never see her?" What option does he have other than to state an obvious cover story, at the same time feeling bad about himself for doing so?
Logged

  Reality is shared and open to debate, feelings are individual and real
thankful person
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 599

Formerly known as broken person…


« Reply #29 on: January 27, 2023, 06:16:49 PM »

My wife is very good at “keeping up appearances” and it actually includes when she is out in public with our 3 young children. When I read, “raising resilient children with a borderline or narcissist”, I found myself somewhat envious of a parent who can take the kids out to “give the bpd parent a break” or whatever. Because my wife has so much control that I rarely spend time with the children without her. My biggest “cover up” over the years has been my “personality transplant” where my wife’s control over me is concerned. I now recognise that my brother has been exactly the same, even though I don’t really know much about his marriage or his wife (except that she is very controlling). Very early on in my relationship with my wife, we were due to visit my parents and my Dad rang asking when we were going to be arriving (the usual tantrums and all the rest of it were going down my end with my wife being entirely uncommitted to even getting out of bed). I said to Dad, “Dad we’re not the kind of people who can tell you a time we’re arriving! We’ll get there when we get there!” In fact I had always been a person to know what time I’m aiming for something and in fact I still am. But over the years I have made numerous excuses for why my wife hasn’t attended family events and sometimes I’ve missed them too. I have also attempted to cover up how little my wife has worked over the years and her excessive spending habits. If anyone in my family of origin has noticed anything strange, they have not mentioned it to me. My Mum knows about the bpd but she doesn’t know much about how it affects anything. I’m ashamed to tell anyone how badly my wife treats me sometimes.
Logged

“Maybe I’ll get it right next time…” from “Estranged” by Guns N’ Roses
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2022?

Pages: [1] 2  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2022 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
Goldcrest
Lemon Squeezy
Mommydoc
SamwizeGamgee
Skip



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!