My spouse has BPD and I don't want to give up on them.

[Storm Buoy]

Hi:)  My spouse has BPD and I'm actually the one who figured it out... they've just begun treatment but a therapist referred me to here for support. I'm trying so hard to survive long enough to see them improve enough to make their efforts worthwhile... I care about my own needs but theirs is currently crisis-level, so I have to focus on them primarily, and it's pretty rough on me in the meantime. I'm so exhausted and it's so hard to keep trying to remember everything I need to do, such as "stay true to yourself," "don't lower yourself to their level," "don't allow them to trigger you," "keep the big picture in mind," "don't retaliate," "evaluate and observe so the nastiness they spew doesn't hurt as much/depersonalize their attacks," "don't triangulate into a victim mindset," etc, etc, etc... it's so much to try to remember and focus on so I don't make the "incidents" worse than they already are... I'm so tired and I don't want to reach the bitterly frustrated stage. I do feel anger and resentment but am still trying to prevent those feelings from being able to make anything worse... I wish I could take a break and go hide from the storm for a while!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Storm Buoy, welcome to the group 

Sounds like a mixed bag going on for you right now -- on the one hand, your spouse is seeking treatment; on the other hand, the behaviors are still there, and it's the early stage of therapy.

It makes sense to me that even at this point where other people might be saying "But isn't it great, your partner is getting help!", for you, it might be like -- you've been in "crisis mode" for so long, that now that you can "relax", the feelings coming out instead aren't joy and happiness, but all those other feelings that have been held back to cope with all the crises. It seems pretty normal that you'd be feeling anger and resentment at this point.

Couple of questions to help us understand your situation better:

My spouse has BPD and I'm actually the one who figured it out... they've just begun treatment

What kind of treatment is your spouse in? Residential, DBT, outpatient, hospital, other, a mix?

I'm trying so hard to survive long enough to see them improve enough to make their efforts worthwhile... I care about my own needs but theirs is currently crisis-level, so I have to focus on them primarily, and it's pretty rough on me in the meantime.

What's your involvement like with your spouse's treatment? Are you in touch with the therapist/the team/etc? Is the program one where family members are required to participate in a certain way, and if so, is that where the "things you need to do" come from (like the "don't retaliate" statements)?

And, the therapist who referred you here for support... are you still seeing that therapist?

...

One thing that gets talked about here is how in order to have the resources to care about others, we need to care for ourselves first. Kind of like in an airplane emergency, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first, otherwise, you can't help others with theirs.

Have you heard about the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist yet? I'm curious if it'd resonate with you in your situation. It kind of sounds like you feel a great deal of obligation to "do it right" for your spouse and "be supportive", yet you're noticing anger and resentment. So, it's possible that the book might provide a different path forward, and path out, for you.

...

Also, I'll move your post over to the "Bettering a Relationship" board -- this current one is for parents of people with BPD, and I bet you'll get some more targeted feedback for your situation on "Bettering", which focuses on people in a romantic/committed relationship.

Look forward to seeing you over there and hearing more, and again, welcome;

kells76

[pbandb89]

This resonates so much for me. Aside from the part where your partner is seeking treatment. My partner is not diagnosed with BPD, nor has it ever been discussed. I started therapy of my own to help me cope and deal her alcoholism and came out realizing it wasn't just the booze. And that she may have BPD. As someone who lives with an eating disorder and has worked as a professional in the mental health field for some time, as well as having a particular interest in personality disorders, I am shocked I never thought about this before on my own. I was beginning to wondering if my partner was NPD, but then she does feel immense shame and guilt after the storm has calmed. And she does sometimes take accountibility for how her actions and words harm me.

All that being said, YES. I am also emotionally and physically and COGNITIVELY exhausted. It is so hard to not internalize or personalize the abuse, feelings of being taken advantage of, feeling like you are working much harder and putting so much more into the relationship than you are receiving. It can feel at times as though we are not allowed to break down or be in crisis ourselves, essentially, not allowed to be flawed humans. You're not alone, and you're doing really great work.

[SinisterComplex]

Hi:)  My spouse has BPD and I'm actually the one who figured it out... they've just begun treatment but a therapist referred me to here for support. I'm trying so hard to survive long enough to see them improve enough to make their efforts worthwhile... I care about my own needs but theirs is currently crisis-level, so I have to focus on them primarily, and it's pretty rough on me in the meantime. I'm so exhausted and it's so hard to keep trying to remember everything I need to do, such as "stay true to yourself," "don't lower yourself to their level," "don't allow them to trigger you," "keep the big picture in mind," "don't retaliate," "evaluate and observe so the nastiness they spew doesn't hurt as much/depersonalize their attacks," "don't triangulate into a victim mindset," etc, etc, etc... it's so much to try to remember and focus on so I don't make the "incidents" worse than they already are... I'm so tired and I don't want to reach the bitterly frustrated stage. I do feel anger and resentment but am still trying to prevent those feelings from being able to make anything worse... I wish I could take a break and go hide from the storm for a while!

Well the most important thing to do is to truly tell yourself take everything one step at a time one day a time. The process you are going through has no short cuts. It will be a long road so mentally prepare yourself for that. Easier said than done I know, but find a quote you can tell yourself daily that will help you keep that frame of mind. In the meantime please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Storm Buoy]

Kells, he's in outpatient therapy now, and his therapist is amazing... she actually referred me to this site. She also recommended the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book, and it should arrive tomorrow. As far as where I learned all of the stuff I'm trying to remember when stuff blows up, I've done a TON of reading and researching to try to understand BPD so I can help him and not crash and burn in the process... even if it feels like I still am.
Pbandb89, I didn't even know what BPD was... I was looking up stuff like "crazy mood swings" and learned that BPD is like bipolar "on speed." The speed and intensity of the cycling is unbelievable... and undeniable. It was such an eye-opener to discover Dr. Ramani's videos on Youtube... I KNEW I had discovered the answer to what was going on! Yet it was so awful and heartbreaking... bc my loved one had NEVER experienced the BPD phases we were currently dealing with... the really ugly ones. He'd had such an incredible life trajectory as a "silent BPD" phase for most of his life... and he'd NEVER treated anyone he loved like he treated me. Yet he kept insisting I'd tried the hardest to be the best I could be for him... he put me on such a high pedestal... but could and would absolutely annihilate me verbally and emotionally without any warning... and the episodes were so unbelievably intense and vicious... absolutely eviscerating emotionally. Then we'd have the intense horror and remorse and it could be very life-or-death hanging in the balance. And I'd have to pour everything in me out to try to hold him together and not let him do something irrevocable. Insane roller coaster... but there were also undeniable NPD characteristics that he was in extreme denial over (still is). And now that he's trying to get help, he's so defensive and sensitive to criticism that I'm constantly being accused of being what HE is... he can't stand how little "ammo" I give him to work with... so the harder I try to not do anything I'd regret, the harder he tries to find ANYTHING to pin on me... and it IS the "spinning" accusatory logic of a dog chasing its tail... I absolutely adored this man... before either of us had any idea just how damaged he was or how cruel he could be towards me... and I still believe he loves me... and wants to somehow improve... but I'm so exhausted and I'm so tired of questioning myself to see if his accusations might have merit... but I'm not narcissistic, delusional, etc... and I'm so tired of the person I love spewing bullets of torment at me... and me trying to figure out how to respond (not react) and all of the other stuff I've been learning to try to help me and him... the stress and eggshells and unfair accusations and everything ugly have worn me down so badly... and you're right, we're NOT allowed to be flawed human beings ourselves (despite the constant accusations that we are), bc if we DARE make ANY mistep, ANY unintentional mistake, goodness knows, we'll pay for it dearly... we can't mess up or they'll use our mistakes against us, and their "mistakes" are INTENTIONAL... why can't they be even a fraction as forgiving and understanding as we are to them? If I had a dollar for every time the Biblical "mote vs beam in the eye" comparison comes to my mind... bc I KNOW my unintentional offenses are so minor compared to the horrific attacks I've endured again and again!

[Pook075]

Hi:)  My spouse has BPD and I'm actually the one who figured it out... they've just begun treatment but a therapist referred me to here for support. I'm trying so hard to survive long enough to see them improve enough to make their efforts worthwhile... I care about my own needs but theirs is currently crisis-level, so I have to focus on them primarily, and it's pretty rough on me in the meantime. I'm so exhausted and it's so hard to keep trying to remember everything I need to do, such as "stay true to yourself," "don't lower yourself to their level," "don't allow them to trigger you," "keep the big picture in mind," "don't retaliate," "evaluate and observe so the nastiness they spew doesn't hurt as much/depersonalize their attacks," "don't triangulate into a victim mindset," etc, etc, etc... it's so much to try to remember and focus on so I don't make the "incidents" worse than they already are... I'm so tired and I don't want to reach the bitterly frustrated stage. I do feel anger and resentment but am still trying to prevent those feelings from being able to make anything worse... I wish I could take a break and go hide from the storm for a while!

This might help give some perspective.  Both my wife and my daughter have BPD, although my wife was only recently diagnosed by our primary doctor after our separation 5 months ago.

About 6 years ago, we brought my daughter to her 6th or 7th in-house facility (or maybe the 12th facility, it's impossible to remember).  She was just under 18 at the time, so we knew that the "treatment" consisted of group therapy and not much else; it was more like a one-week timeout to readjust and calm down.  It often felt like the actual treatment was boredom...let them sit there long enough and they'll behave just to be able to leave.

Anyway, this time was very different.  On intake, we tell the doc and a therapist that our daughter did this, this and that so we had to do these things...and the therapist cut us off.  She said, "Why do you feel like you have to do those things?"  And we answered, "Because it's our kid."  She replied, "But it's your kid that has the problem, and the only possible solution is her wanting to fix the problem.  If she's not ready for that, then there's literally nothing you can do for her right now."

After a few puzzled minutes, we asked what we were supposed to do next.  The doctor laughed at us and said, "Whatever you want to do.  Go to dinner.  Go on vacation, go binge watch TV, or go have sex all weekend.  We won't be calling you because this isn't about you."

And finally, after years of panic, distress, worry, etc. it finally clicked...this wasn't a me-thing.  I didn't do anything wrong, and there's nothing I can do to fix what's happening to my kid.  Only she can do that.

So like I said, I recently separated from my "quiet BPD" wife- she just walked out after 24 years.  And like I used to do with my kid, I sprang into action to "fix her", to help her, to show her the error in her ways.  And the harder I tried to get through to her, the more she hated and resented me.  Because again, this wasn't my problem, even though it destroyed my entire life.  But the more I tried to make it my problem, the worse things got.

Today, I have an amazing relationship with my BPD daughter- she just went shopping so I can cook us fajitas tonight and watch TV.  She's reached her breaking point and wanted her life to change, so she's been through therapy and things finally clicked for her.  Even though I was her worst enemy (since I was the strict parent), we're now like best friends and talk about everything in life.  But again, things only changed when my kid was ready for change.

With my wife, she rejects that there could be anything wrong with her and refuses to see our doctor that mentioned "textbook BPD".  So you're well ahead of me in that your spouse accepts the diagnosis.  But our plights are still the exact same, either they want to get better or they don't...and we can't do a darn thing about it except to step away and work on bettering ourselves.

Remember, this is not a "you thing."  Go on vacation.  Binge watch a TV show.  Do whatever you used to do before all the trauma entered your life.  Find you again and you'll eventually find a healthy, happy, stable person...and that version of you can help your spouse so much more long term.  But not today- today you can't do anything because you're stuck in that rescuer mode that we're all so familiar with.  The only person you can rescue is yourself.

[Storm Buoy]

SinisterComplex, just yesterday someone told me, "One step at a time one day at a time. It's a big investment of time." But it's been almost 2 years of being in a committed relationship... but it's less than a year of marriage, and from what he's informed me (yes, very much as a threat), we were married in a state that allows annulments for the entire first year... and even later than that in cases. He's NEVER doubted my love and dedication to him... but he has absolutely made it clear I'm easily discarded. And we probably all KNOW what is at the root of BPD... abandonment. So I've made sure he's NEVER had to truly worry about being abandoned by me... but that sure hasn't been reciprocated. Oh and I don't want to portray myself as a victim... I realize he had no control over the stuff that damaged him, so he's just been handed an extremely raw deal in life... I chose to marry him, despite knowing he had serious issues... even though I didn't have a clue what BPD was at the time. It's still my choice to stay with him and keep trying to survive long enough to (hopefully) see improvement. I do realize the unbelievable pain he has to live with inside himself... he may act very NPD at times, but at least he KNOWS he's hurting me, and regrets it... there IS acknowledgement there. Just not when it matters most:/

[Storm Buoy]

Pook075, thanks for making me laugh at your reaction to the Doctor who acted differently and absolved you of self-recrimination! And yeah I'm trying to tell myself it's not my job to fix him; it's gotta be HIM doing the work, but it's difficult to try to convince myself I've done all I can when he's constantly (and very skillfully) arguing me down and trying to make me "accept responsibility" and "admit" I'm at fault for any and everything... he's so determined I need to accept and admit guilt for so much absolute crap... but then I question myself if I'm actually being narcissistic to reject or resist the guilt he's shoving at me? When he's happy with me, I'm absolutely amazing and wonderful... but that's not what he thinks when he's upset. I'm tired of trying to figure out how much blame I should accept and concede to... when we both know how hard I try, and how much abuse I have taken!  I've been trying to JADE, followed by RRR (my own mantra: Remove myself from the situation, Refocus on priorities, and Recover from damage sustained). I just didn't know "JADE" was an actual survival technique, ! I do try to laugh at absurdity instead of crying about it... I've cried far too much already. I do realize I tend to try to "escape" by playing games on my phone... but that comes at a steep cost because then I need to admit how "addicted" I am to my phone... when it's avoidant behavior that's exacerbated by the stress of being on eggshells so much around him:/ Oh wait, did I just completely refuse to accept responsibility for my addiction?