Reactive/Reactionary Abuse?

[pbandb89]

Hi all

Has anyone else experienced reactive or reactionary abuse? I didn't know there was a term for what I've experienced.

Prior to my relationship with my wife, who may or may not have BPD but certainly demonstrates traits, I have always been a soft-spoken, people-pleaser who never even raised her voice during disagreements. I've been accommodating/people pleasing to the point where I am too nice to verbally express when someone has hurt my feelings. When my wife first started verbally abusing me during rage episodes, I could hardly believe what was happening. And I couldn't comprehend how she could speak to someone in that way whom she idolized and claimed she loved and care for. I couldn't imagine even speaking to my enemy the way she speaks to me sometimes.

After 2 years of it, I came to a point where I had been pushed my ultimate edge. Her yelling, her insults, her name calling, not only directed at me but about my family members or friends. I lashed out and yelled/screamed back. I have called her an asshole. I have walked away from her when she's verbally/psychologically abusing me, which she then accuses me of being abusive by stonewalling her.

I've become someone I no longer identify with or like. I feel like I have drifted so far away from myself, and I am terrified of becoming an abuser myself.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced rage outbursts as a result of repeated abuse, and how you have coped or managed this to prevent it from happening.

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[Pook075]

Hi all

Has anyone else experienced reactive or reactionary abuse? I didn't know there was a term for what I've experienced.

Prior to my relationship with my wife, who may or may not have BPD but certainly demonstrates traits, I have always been a soft-spoken, people-pleaser who never even raised her voice during disagreements. I've been accommodating/people pleasing to the point where I am too nice to verbally express when someone has hurt my feelings. When my wife first started verbally abusing me during rage episodes, I could hardly believe what was happening. And I couldn't comprehend how she could speak to someone in that way whom she idolized and claimed she loved and care for. I couldn't imagine even speaking to my enemy the way she speaks to me sometimes.

After 2 years of it, I came to a point where I had been pushed my ultimate edge. Her yelling, her insults, her name calling, not only directed at me but about my family members or friends. I lashed out and yelled/screamed back. I have called her an asshole. I have walked away from her when she's verbally/psychologically abusing me, which she then accuses me of being abusive by stonewalling her.

I've become someone I no longer identify with or like. I feel like I have drifted so far away from myself, and I am terrified of becoming an abuser myself.

I am wondering if anyone else has experienced rage outbursts as a result of repeated abuse, and how you have coped or managed this to prevent it from happening.

My situation is kind of unique since I have a daughter with BPD/bipolar and a wife with BPD. 

I did argue with my wife a decent bit the first few years we were married (yet shockingly, never before that while dating for 2 years).  She'd go from 0 to 100 and my reaction would be to meet her intensity quickly.  I was never like that before in my life; I was always laid back and generally didn't argue with anyone over anything.  But we fought hard for years until eventually, I realized that I wasn't going to be that person anymore.  Then I just let my wife do whatever the heck she wanted and pushed my morals/feelings/beliefs to the side...it was probably much healthier to argue, to be honest.

For my BPD kid, however, woo.  She was always such a rebel and if we'd punish her, she'd turn around and make sure that she actually punished us more.  In her teenage years she started arguing back and getting loud/aggressive, so once again...I matched that intensity.  At first it worked very well, I'd get loud, she'd know I was serious and back off.  But eventually she realized that yelling and throwing tantrums non-stop would get her whatever she wanted, because my wife would cave in.

By the way, my wife got an unofficial diagnosis just recently; I really wish I had recognized the patterns 15-20 years ago.  That's life though and why the marriage appears to be over.

To answer your question directly...yes, I experienced that myself for many, many years.  However, I also now realize that it was my own fault for engaging in that behavior.  Just because someone screams at me (BPD or not), I can choose to walk away or do a hundred other things.  Exploding back at them is just one choice, and it's almost never the correct one.

[pbandb89]

Thank you so much for your response. It's validating to hear that others have resorted to matching BPD behavior during arguments when that's not authentic to their true selves, and not something they wanted to do.

I think I need to just reconcile with whatever her choices are after I decide to remove myself from that combative and abusive situation. I have tried telling her I'm willing to talk to her and resolve things, but not if she will continue to yell/scream at me and call me or my family members names. This only seems to trigger further verbal abuse and rage. She has escalated to the point of physically blocking me from leaving the room or the house, pinning me down so that I can't move. (she is much much stronger than me, and I'm not one to reciprocate physical altercations) At one of my lowest points, I literally was curled up in a ball on the bed, plugging my ears and closing my eyes while I could hear her berating me in the background.

I don't seem to know how to cope with staying in that space with her (against my will) but also maintaining my composure and dignity.

[Storm Buoy]

I can empathize with you... I've been there myself. Physically blocked from exiting a room. Screaming at them after they began shouting at me... and it was effective. It shocked them. But I only did it once, and I've felt so ashamed of it ever since... because I KNOW I intentionally allowed myself to "try out" matching their intensity.

[Pook075]

Same here- I'd try to walk away, and my wife would cut me off.  If we were outside, she'd jump in the car and follow me, screaming at the top of her lungs.  At least twice, she bumped me with the car and once I went down...she could have run me over.  I've also been swung on and beaten more times than I could count.  However, I was twice her size and probably 10x stronger... that's not the advantage you'd think it was.  What was I supposed to do, beat her up and go to jail?  I never once had any desire to hurt her physically or emotionally.

Unfortunately, these situations seem common on this board and there's no "right answer" in the moment on how to handle someone having a meltdown that's intent on punishing us.  What I've learned over the years is not to get to that point, to diffuse the situation well before the boiling point, which means that we non-BPD folks have to be perfect 100% of the time and never, ever lose our cool.  And guess what- that's impossible.  It can't be done.

[LifewithEase]

Absolutely, I've been there.

Early on, as a high empathy person, I just thought it was us not knowing how to fight or repair.

Further along, I joined in to match her, try to get her attention, be part of the exchange, keep up.

Further along more, I finally saw an anger and rage pattern of hers. It felt surreal. Not who I am or who I want to be.

Once I learned about BPD I shifted.

Once I learned not to JADE, I totally changed course.

But still there are days when it is so maddening that it is really hard to keep the perspective.

My advice is work on not JADEing. It is hard but it is helpful. Or as my T says "you don't own her dysregulation."

[Modron]

Pook075 you have expressed something I'm experiencing right now. In fact, I was about to post about it when I saw your post. Honestly, I have worried about dying of a broken heart because of this relationship and how I've gotten to be because of it.
I really struggle with, I dunno, a kind of boundary setting that gets the point across that I have my limits and that I expect to be treated with respect. I used to try to do it by being kind and gentle and it just never got returned in kind. If I kindly asserted myself in a way that suggested my ideas and efforts should be treated with respect she'd rage at me and tell me I was angry, out of control, and threatening her. Like what?  It was so bizarre.
I  became depressed and -paralyzed - in my life and our relationship because of all the weird, disproportionate reactions I was getting. I've posted the story of when things started to turn around for me. Part of it was me raging back, but over the phone, not in person. I have no idea how she would have reacted face to face if I'd done it. (It has never happened, but I admit that early in our relationship, after the honeymoon period, I was physically afraid or her. And, I found out she had been the one who started instances of domestic violence in her first marriage.) Part of it was me being fed up and wanting the pain to be out of my life. Part of it was support from my family - and therapist before he retired. And part of it was pure weird coincidence when a member of her family from her hometown suggested she get a job where he works and move "home". (Now there's even a family home she could live in for free.)
That's when I became able to invite her out of my life. I mean, we're still together but, there are still challenges.  I need to keep up doing projects around the house. This always triggers her, because of past situations probably going back to her childhood.
SO - FEARFUL THOUGHTS shaping my reality alert! I'm going to start working on a home project, she's going to get triggered and rage and make things difficult and unsafe! AND suddenly I feel my own rage rising up inside me. So weird, because I try to be so balanced and intentional in dealing with things. I like being calm. I like problem-solving. I enjoy the benefits of my efforts. And I'm so resentful and angry about it. She'll be mad and hateful if I don't do it. And she'll criticize and interrupt and ridicule my efforts if I do do it.
So, I have to review, can I stand at my line in the sand?
Well, I no longer feel responsible for her life. She's an adult. She's responsible for herself. Am I willing to end the relationship? Yes. Enough pain and confusion is enough. What do I reasonably "owe" her? (A moment of honesty. When I realized how difficult and unhappy this relationship was and realized how little knowledge and resources she had to take care of herself, I started setting money aside. I was feeling responsible for her life. I didn't think she could make it on her own without financial help.) Since we've been married she's become gainfully employed and been a contributing member of the household, mostly. I feel she should get back what she's put in. Would I trust her to leave with a lump sum and use it to set herself up in a new life? Nope. So, I'd return her contributions in monthly installments.
And, she has family who will take care of her and help her, including her having a place to live for free. (She had previously burned those bridges, but the family is back together.)
So, any desire I have to move on from this relationship has left me with a few questions. Like if she hadn't gotten herself gainfully employed with family (someone) to fall back on would I still cut the cord? I certainly hope so. The financial support I was giving her early in the relationship simply was unsustainable. I would have had to end the relationship then or lose everything I had worked so hard for. I hope I would have chosen myself. I hope if the time comes I do choose myself.
Now today I have to gently introduce the next home project that needs to be done and see how she reacts. I'm not a big fan of the risks. But, I'm learning more and more that it's about the kind of person I want to be. And if I can't be that in the relationship, I'll end the relationship.

[Lifehasitsups]

Modron, I sympathized with you and hope for the best for you. I have been there with the difficulties of home projects and it’s terrible. I hope you can free yourself and enjoy the things that make you happy. I have also been on the receiving end of some nasty rages and been crying in the fetal position while getting screamed at. I’ve climbed out of the window to get away. After my uBPDw accused me of physical abuse, I have taken to recording her and if she blocks me in a room I pull out my phone and start video taping. It’s caused some difficult conversations but is very effective at deescalating. I hate to do it but it works.  Your not alone in this and thanks to everyone for sharing.

[SaltyDawg]

I think that many, if not most of us have been there.  From the poll of being physically hit, I would say a full 2/3 of us have been there.

It SUCKS.

The reaction most accurately described in the first post by pbandb89 is called 'reactive abuse'.  I am guilty of it.

If you are hit, do not hit back [unless you want to be in legal trouble].  If you are abused, do not abuse back.  If you do, you will be labelled the abuser and they are the perpetual victim of their own behaviors.

How to manage borderline rages.

LifewithEase has summarized the first portion of the process if you want to stay with your pwBPD, whom you presumably love and/or have unhealthy attachment issues [e.g. codependency] with your pwBPD.

Absolutely, I've been there.

Early on, as a high empathy person, I just thought it was us not knowing how to fight or repair.

Further along, I joined in to match her, try to get her attention, be part of the exchange, keep up.

Further along more, I finally saw an anger and rage pattern of hers. It felt surreal. Not who I am or who I want to be.

Once I learned about BPD I shifted.

Once I learned not to JADE, I totally changed course.

But still there are days when it is so maddening that it is really hard to keep the perspective.

My advice is work on not JADEing. It is hard but it is helpful. Or as my T says "you don't own her dysregulation."

Not JADEing is otherwise known as 'stonewalling', it is by far the quickest, and less painful way to deal with a person who is in an uncontrolled rage [otherwise known as 'flooding'], and/or difficult splitting episode where you are transformed into a Disney Villian through no actions of your own but by your pwBPD's emotional dysregulation.  I actually had that happen to me in my last couple's session almost a week ago, the T saw it, and she is having me do a score-keeping homework assignment in response - I will update somewhere on Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday on how the follow up session went.

Before you do the do not JADE, do tell them in a calm tone of voice.  "I hear you, I understand you are frustrated. If you continue to yell at me, I will go to the next room."  Tell this to them twice, then tell them "I love you, I am not leaving you; however, I will not be treated this way" and then leave.  You establish a boundary with a consequence and then follow through with the consequence if the bad behavior continues.

However, when that person reverts to baseline and are no longer raging/splitting, you may want to talk to them about the incident/episode, and first determine if they remember it, and secondly how they remembered it, and thirdly only do this if you don't think it will trigger them again into another episode.  Reaffirm the boundary with the consequence, and do follow through the next time it happens.  Also reaffirm that you love them [assuming that you do], and won't leave them [assuming this is your intent], and you won't accept bad behavior [reaffirm your boundary].

I also have learned, that they are triggered by us; however, normal people would not normally be triggered by these actions; however, they are.  You need to learn what triggers your pwBPD, and then try to avoid those.

You also need to establish boundaries, these boundaries are for yourself on what behaviors you will tolerate, and what you won't.  If these boundaries are crossed, you need to enforce the boundaries.

A good book on this is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad.

One more thing, learn and employ the DBT skill of 'radical acceptance'

I have adapted this concept in the following way.  One of the components of my version of radical acceptance is to pre-forgive, in essence, I know the reality of my situation is that my wife will eventually transgress against me in the form of gas lighting when she is splitting me black. Since I know this to be a fact [based on historical patterns], I know this is going to happen again, as long as I know that she is not deliberately doing this, and I see that she is being triggered by external forces; therefore, I have already forgiven her for what she does not know that she is about to do. That's what makes it radical.

Part of radical acceptance is "Once individuals can accept [forgiveness] reality while simultaneously not approving of it is when change can be made" and I have added forgiving her in the accepted part of reality, even though I do not approve of her actions and will state as much when it is happening to me.  I would like to coin the term "radical forgiveness,"  however somebody already beat me to it in 1997. [Now I have something else to look up since it looks like what I'm already doing].

In essence I have mentally compartmentalized my wife's bad behavior as being attributable to her mental state of mind, and she is 'not guilty by reason of insanity' literally, and that is how I treat it when she splits me black.

Unless she become 'self-aware' of this behavior AND she wants to correct it, it will likely not get better with time.  And even if she does have both components, there will be setbacks, as I can attest to.  You need extreme patience and forgiveness to do this, with a strong sense of self.  Few can master this and not let it affect them.

Be sure to do 'self-care' with your own individual therapist, and other self-care too.

Take care.