I figured it all out months later

[Clueless7890]

So I was with my exBDPgf for 5 years. We lived together for 4.2 years. I would say she is a discouraged subset.

I’m a trauma survivor and an avoidant attachment style.

I’m in therapy now and am sober working a program as well.

The relationship worked perfect for a good while. I wasn’t needy nor attached and I think she liked that. I did enough to keep her secure in our relationship. I did the holidays and gave her compliments and it seemed so right. It was perfect.

Eventually that changed. I did a lot of changing. She was constantly trying to change things about me like my career and she said she wanted me more involved in her sons life.

I bought in and started participating in her sons life more but I started using some “soft” drugs. Nothing hard like coke or heroin. This really bothered her.

We would fight constantly at this point. Eventually I said I wanted to leave and she agreed. She would show subtle hints like she didn’t want me to leave but when I’d ask her straight up she said yes she wanted me to leave. So I did.

We spoke a few times then several months later I reached out to her and we were talking about something personal to her and she suddenly seemed to panic and said it would be better to not speak to me anymore.

I lost my mind. I was drinking really heavy and moving between cussing her out and I love you’s to I’m leaving the state. She was saying I’m a narcissist playing sick games with her head. Threatened me dozens of times with restraining orders and blocked every form of contact one by one if I said I loved her or that I was forgetting she existed. I could say anything else with impunity.

Then I got sober. I tried one more time explaining the changes. She said I was blocked on everything but she was still responding to my emails saying she checks her spam box and that’s why she is seeing my emails. None of them had any hope for me. It was leave me alone using terms you would use towards a former abuser. She responded to everyone as if she couldn’t ignore them.

I said ok eventually and stopped. I waited a couple of weeks and sent a sincere apology explaining maybe she is right and  we don’t belong together and that I’m sorry if I made you panicked but it’s ok I won’t bother you anymore. I felt I had to do that because she sincerely saw me as an abuser by the terms she was using. I didn’t want her paranoid or anything.

Fast forward weeks later. I’m feeling better and letting it go. My FB page is public and I started noticing every day my stories (I post a lot of positive self improvement stuff and the random what’s going on with me ) had a non friend visitor. Then I searched FB for other profiles she may have and found a completely blank one in her name and I could be wrong but it seems to make sense it would be her given she has BPD and this is a new thing and I found that profile. This is every day now there’s one non friend view without fail.

I’m concerned this may be an attempt to find something about me to use against me (which there is nothing really) because I know revenge is a thing with BDP when you are painted black and happy without them.

The other side of me is wondering if she is looking in seeing if my changes are sincere so I haven’t locked it down yet.

I am not one of these people that blame the exBDP for everything. I played a part. I got on the drugs and drinking. I started yelling at her instead of helping her deal with her anxiety. Everything wasn’t her fault. She didn’t really split me until I started changing for the worse. It may have been an exaggerated reaction to a legitimate concern. She did go overboard with how bad I was and how I never did a single thing right ever but I was not the person she moved in with.

I’m trying to throw positive vibes with my FB posts but I’m also worried because she seemed pretty convinced I was an abuser and gaslighting her by telling her I loved her and I was sorry for what I did. I’m clearly very happy. I know that can set off the need for revenge. I just find it hard to believe she would do that to me but I wasn’t talking to the same person in those emails that I lived with. I got no idea what to think or do.

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