My BPD ex tried to make me jealous, I didn't react and then she blocked me. Why?

[Depression = 72% of members]

AND BLOCKED again...

That was quick.

Seriously... what is going on in her mind?

She might be checking to see if you wrote her something.  Did you write her anything while you were blocked?  [I don't know what app you are using].

Has she recalled/deleted any messages that she previously has written to you?

When unblocked, can she see you looking at her messages?

If you send her a generic apology [e.g. "I am sorry for _____________.", do you think that would matter?     If you do this, you will be continuing the trauma bond that you have with her.

Sounds like a very good idea for collecting evidence for the 'youth welfare office'. 

I just don't know where your heart is with regards to reconnecting with her - I would suspect you do since this is posted in "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup"

Just take care of yourself, as only you can do that for you.  Do self-care.  Don't let her abuse you [or at least try not to - sounds pretty difficult to do based on what you shared earlier].

[SaltyDawg]

AND BLOCKED again...

That was quick.

Seriously... what is going on in her mind?

She might be checking to see if you wrote her something.  Did you write her anything while you were blocked?  [I don't know what app you are using].

Has she recalled/deleted any messages that she previously has written to you?

When unblocked, can she see you looking at her messages?

If you send her a generic apology [e.g. "I am sorry for _____________.", do you think that would matter?     If you do this, you will be continuing the trauma bond that you have with her.

Sounds like a very good idea for collecting evidence for the 'youth welfare office'. 

I just don't know where your heart is with regards to reconnecting with her - I would suspect you do since this is posted in "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup"

Just take care of yourself, as only you can do that for you.  Do self-care.  Don't let her abuse you [or at least try not to - sounds pretty difficult to do based on what you shared earlier].

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NorthernCreature]

She might be checking to see if you wrote her something.  Did you write her anything while you were blocked?  [I don't know what app you are using].

I should have mentioned that it was about WhatsApp that we use mainly... Instagram and others secondary but we mostly wrote via WhatsApp.

Has she recalled/deleted any messages that she previously has written to you?

No, and with WhatsApp you would be able to do that while having someone blocked.

When unblocked, can she see you looking at her messages?

Not the ones that have been send while she blocked me. I haven't send any messages, but even if, she would never have gotten them.

If you send her a generic apology [e.g. "I am sorry for _____________.", do you think that would matter?   Paragraph header (click to insert in post)  If you do this, you will be continuing the trauma bond that you have with her.

I've already done that in the past. I feld bad for apologizing while she caused most of the issues... but I wanted to signal her that I am not perfect either and see my part (even if minor compared the the demolition of our relationship/marriage she has done).

I am at least at a point that I have troubles to apologize myself again... it feels wrong. But I know that would be a possibility to make a BPD come back.

I just don't know where your heart is with regards to reconnecting with her - I would suspect you do since this is posted in "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup"

I'd like to get back with her for sure... but strangely enough it feels like the FOG is starting to lift a little bit... I start to see the issues and start to have many questions for myself... imagined myself sitting beside her, cuddling... what would be in my mind while doing that? Trust issues. It seems like I do now get mixed feelings, which is probably a good sign. But overall, I still want her back anyhow, I am just less sure now how it would be possible related to trust. Will she kick me out again? Will she keep threatening me with breakups and other manipulations? And other questions. I love her... I'd like to get back with her, but I see the difficulties more clear now.

AND BLOCKED again...

That was quick.

Seriously... what is going on in her mind?

Quoting myself for a news... I've been blocked on WhatsApp again just minutes after being unblocked, as quoted...

But I found out that she unblocked me on Instagram. Not just me, she also unblocked my mother. Strange.

I just don't understand her behaviour. It's like see keeps one channel open now, but why not WhatsApp?

Only one thing is sure, her mind is still busy with me at times. I am not sure if she wants to confuse me or if she has moments where she just regrets that she broke up but doesn't know how to get back to me. But why would she ignore me in the basement as if I am a ghost, and look hateful? Maybe this is just the outside... maybe she is battling inside. I don't know?

[Some0ne]

Only one thing is sure, her mind is still busy with me at times. I am not sure if she wants to confuse me or if she has moments where she just regrets that she broke up but doesn't know how to get back to me. But why would she ignore me in the basement as if I am a ghost, and look hateful? Maybe this is just the outside... maybe she is battling inside. I don't know?

Perhaps it´s the instable selfimage and the constantly feeling of shame? Suddenly she realished that this went way out of control, and now she don´t know how to reach out to you of fear that you will reject her. Or else she wants to check in if you still wants her and see if you would contact her?
It´s always the same problem they will never tell and we will never find out...

[NorthernCreature]

Perhaps it´s the instable selfimage and the constantly feeling of shame? Suddenly she realished that this went way out of control, and now she don´t know how to reach out to you of fear that you will reject her. Or else she wants to check in if you still wants her and see if you would contact her?
It´s always the same problem they will never tell and we will never find out...

I would probably make the first step, but another option is thats she could want to hurt me again? Imagine I write her and then I get a dismissive comment again. It's so difficult. She made clear at some point that she doesn't want contact... thus, you'd imagine it's as it is... but they are so inconsistent that you actually don't know. It could be one of the examples you mentioned as well.

[NorthernCreature]

Suddenly she realished that this went way out of control

This is something I noticed quite early... she even admitted it in December like "Now I even involved a lawyer what happened will always between us" or "My mother is using my son as leverage against me, if you and me reconcile, she will stop contact with my son"...

But the effect was not that my wife wanted me to reach out, the effect was that she kept digging her hole deeper and deeper. At times it appeared as if she wanted contact again, while still digging the hole deeper. Totally strange. Totally inconsistent and instable.

[Some0ne]

I would probably make the first step, but another option is thats she could want to hurt me again? Imagine I write her and then I get a dismissive comment again. It's so difficult. She made clear at some point that she doesn't want contact... thus, you'd imagine it's as it is... but they are so inconsistent that you actually don't know. It could be one of the examples you mentioned as well.

Yes, we do as we are told. When my ex told me she did not want to have contact. I took a step back and let her contact me. And that was sometimes wron and sometimes right, you´ll never know. It depends on. Once she told me after a fight when I left her apartment that I was the one that had to initiate the contact to show her that it was ok. She feels so ashamed of her self that she is afraid that if she comes to me I would reject her.
Ofcourse, this is two different pepole so it can be something else. I hope it all will work out for you

[NorthernCreature]

I think I would have no issues to try it out but the comments her lawyer made at court about "we have the option of restraining order if you keep contacting her", while my wife contacted me equally often before the court date (court case was about our apartment) or we contacted each other alternately... since then I am careful.

It was kinda ironic that that she was the first one to contact me days after court, and since I only replied neutraly and short, she started to make me jelious or blocked me the 12 days... but that story is already written down here.

So, yeah, I don't know where I stand. What she wants. Considering thats she looked at me with a hateful face when I accidentally met her in our basement (I actually assumed she hoov### me, as she went into the basement, probably after seeing me picking things up the third time that day) when I picked some of my stuff up ... and considerig that she looked away after showing her spiteful face impression, as if I would be thin air... I am not sure what is going on.

I've read that inside them can be totally different than what they show to the outside world. Maybe it's what you said... maybe it's shame or hatred of herself? Instable self image?

I wish it would be as easy as saying "Hun, just let us reconcile, we just need to start now... all will be good and hug her"... but that is fantasy.

[NorthernCreature]

Timetable

Jan 20: Court day. We settle that she stays in the apartment for sole use. Unless it's about logistics or the coming baby, she claims not to want contact anymore.

Jan 22: She contacts me to give me her bank details that I already know (and she knows) for rental payment. My reply is short like "ok".

Jan 23: Calling me via phone for 2 seconds in the morning. I don't call back.

Jan 24: She wants 12 Euro, it's about a payment to me that she is not entitled too. We argue back and forth, like three times but I keep it short and l refer to the bank. She claims her lawyer means too that she is entitled to the 12 Euro, I shortly tell her that he can either contact the bank or me. She goes silent.

Jan 27: She posts the melting smiley with the heart, signaling me that she falls in love with someone else. I don't react.

Jan 28: She is upping the ante and posts [her name] + [male name] with our love song name below it as a provocation. I don't react. Hours later I am blocked.

Feb 6: Both my wife's mother and my wife do greet my mother back again. Which is strange, because they didn't do so for quite a while.

Feb 7: I go three times over to her apartment block to pick personal stuff up from the basement (staying at my mothers home who just lives in the block behind it). She must have seen me going through the park. The third time I want to pick things up, she is in the basement in a pijama with her son. She looks hateful, doesn't greet back and looks away as if I am thin air.

Feb 9: I've been blocked for 12 days. Now she unblocked me on WhatsApp. Minutes later I am blocked again.

Feb 10: I am still blocked on WhatsApp but she unblocked me on Instagram and keeps me unblocked on Instagram for now. Meanwhile, it becomes even more apparent that the Jan 28 case was a bluff. The mentioned guy approached my mother and her husband. He works in a nearby store and knows the husband of my mother a little bit. He probably wouldn't have approached them to have small talk, if he would be together with her daughter in law (we are not divorced yet)

Just posting this as an overview for myself too. Not sure if any of this can be considered hoove###?

[SaltyDawg]

NC,

   Thank you for all of those updates.

   It is good that you are writing down your feelings as that can be very theraputic, and it will also give you additional clarity.

   I have used WhatsApp only once, and that is when I was in the Middle East to do some business.  It has since been uninstalled, and I am not all that familiar with it.  However, I do hear you about the Instagram being 'unblocked', so you know she is monitoring you; however, you don't know for what purpose or reason why - perhaps it is the same reason why you want to know about her.  Since you know that this is the case, please be mindful and make sure you only post stuff on your account that you want her to see.

   Keep in mind you have a trauma bond with feelings of love with her and is carrying your unborn child inside of her, and that is a lot stronger than most other bonds.

   Regarding apologizing to a borderline, you must keep it 100% honest.  So instead of admitting to some offense that she has imagined, only admit to making her upset, and that you are sorry that she feels that way.  Do not admit to any wrongdoing that you did not do.  If you did something wrong, that take ownership of your wrong.  If it feels 'wrong' don't do it, or word it in such a way where it does not feel wrong.

Use the SET communication technique, Support, Empathy, and Truth if and when you talk to her.  Practice with your mom, or other close friend who you can confide in as it is a powerful communication method that brings peace to the relationship.

I'd like to get back with her for sure... but strangely enough it feels like the FOG is starting to lift a little bit... I start to see the issues and start to have many questions for myself... imagined myself sitting beside her, cuddling... what would be in my mind while doing that? Trust issues. It seems like I do now get mixed feelings, which is probably a good sign. But overall, I still want her back anyhow, I am just less sure now how it would be possible related to trust. Will she kick me out again? Will she keep threatening me with breakups and other manipulations? And other questions. I love her... I'd like to get back with her, but I see the difficulties more clear now.

You have asked a lot of good questions.  Especially the 'trust' issues.  You must disscern what is best for you, and then follow your own heart on this matter.


Perhaps it´s the instable selfimage and the constantly feeling of shame? Suddenly she realished that this went way out of control, and now she don´t know how to reach out to you of fear that you will reject her. Or else she wants to check in if you still wants her and see if you would contact her?

I would tend to agree with Some0ne on that assessment as that is one part of it when she is painting you white; however, if she paints you black, the part could show just as easily.

Excerpt
Suddenly she realised that this went way out of control

This is something I noticed quite early... she even admitted it in December like "Now I even involved a lawyer what happened will always between us" or "My mother is using my son as leverage against me, if you and me reconcile, she will stop contact with my son"...

But the effect was not that my wife wanted me to reach out, the effect was that she kept digging her hole deeper and deeper. At times it appeared as if she wanted contact again, while still digging the hole deeper. Totally strange. Totally inconsistent and instable.

All this stuff with the lawyer, and mother leveraging your son against you.  This emotionally dysregulated behavior, and extreme caution is advised, especially with the legal threats.

At this point in time, let her make the first contact and proceed with extreme caution keeping in mind what you have written.

I think I would have no issues to try it out but the comments her lawyer made at court about "we have the option of restraining order if you keep contacting her", while my wife contacted me equally often before the court date (court case was about our apartment) or we contacted each other alternately... since then I am careful.

It was kinda ironic that that she was the first one to contact me days after court, and since I only replied neutraly and short, she started to make me jelious or blocked me the 12 days... but that story is already written down here.

If you guys ever do decide to reconnect, do put in safeguards in place, so she cannot set you up for additional trouble.

If you really want her back, do think really long and hard on this, especially with the trust issue that you have raised.  However, on the other hand, she also has your son, so, this makes things very complicated.  Since you know she is monitoring your Instagram account, you could post something along the lines of 'how I miss you' and see what her reaction is. 

Avoid Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling

+ Do not criticize her
+ Do not do anything that would make her have feelings of contempt towards you
+ Do not do anything where whe would become defensive towards you
+ Do not stonewall her, like she is doing to you now.

I am not sure what is going on.

I've read that inside them can be totally different than what they show to the outside world. Maybe it's what you said... maybe it's shame or hatred of herself? Instable self image?

I wish it would be as easy as saying "Hun, just let us reconcile, we just need to start now... all will be good and hug her"... but that is fantasy.

This is what you are dealing with, if she does reconnect with you, it will increase your  trauma bond to you.

Here is some information on the trauma bond:

More information can be found here on the 'trauma bond'.

Signs/symptoms:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

Treating:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327131.0


From your partial time-line this is what has caught my eye:

Jan 24: She wants 12 Euro, it's about a payment to me that she is not entitled too. We argue back and forth, like three times but I keep it short and l refer to the bank. She claims her lawyer means too that she is entitled to the 12 Euro, I shortly tell her that he can either contact the bank or me. She goes silent.

I know 12 Euro, is a small amount of money.  It sounds like you are not giving her 12 Euro is about a matter of principle that has become a much larger issue.  What was the specific issue over 12 Euro?

I will wrap this up as I am responding to several of your posts, with my number one piece of advice, and that is to do 'self-care' - make sure it includes individual therapy, exercise outdoors [as simple as a walk], among other activities that you enjoy doing to recharge your spirit.  Also, do what is best for you, as you only can take care of yourself.

Take Care.

[NorthernCreature]

It is good that you are writing down your feelings as that can be very theraputic, and it will also give you additional clarity.

Definitely. I do already feel how it helps. It also helps to read from others who experienced similar/same things and add their experience to my case. Thank you guys for that.

However, I do hear you about the Instagram being 'unblocked', so you know she is monitoring you; however, you don't know for what purpose or reason why - perhaps it is the same reason why you want to know about her.

I wouldn't say monitoring. We are no longer befriended on Instagram. She can't look into my account, and I can't look into hers. We could write each other now on Insta as she unblocked me. I just noticed after she unblocked me on WhatsApp, because usually she would then also unblock Instagram, thus I found her again on Instagram. Now it's just strange that she blocked me again on WhatsApp but does let Instagram open as a communication channel.

Honestly, we had something similar happen in 2021 before we officially came together. She blocked and unblocked me on WhatsApp a ton of times (I know, should have been a big enough red flag to not get together with her in Feb 2022... "laugh"). But whenever she blocked me, she had FB opened/unblocked as a side channel... we've been in a push and pull cycle in 2021 before we even started to meet face-to-face by the end of 2021... when she blocked me on WhatsApp, she always had FB opened so that I can still chase her. And I've done it. Often we blocked each other on WhatsApp but kept communicating on FB to eventually unblock us on WhatsApp.. so, I did either chase her, but when I was done with her push and pull, she started to chase me, which meant writing me on FB with an apology... no matter who chased, we always unblocked each other on WhatsApp in the end and came together soon after.

Well. We could look at the history. But some things changed... still a lot of blockedy block unblock blocky unblock block the recent months... well, but now I don't chase her anymore... at least not now. And it seems she doesn't exactly chase me either. Wait... it just appeared in my mind that we've been there too... I think we blocked each other from Dez 2021 to Jan 2022 as well, had 1 month NC... and eventually kept chasing each other afterwards, came together, and married each other... (I start to laugh right now, I assume this is a good sign... humor comes back, it's been a roller coaster ride with her).

Keep in mind you have a trauma bond with feelings of love with her and is carrying your unborn child inside of her, and that is a lot stronger than most other bonds.

Agree. I so feel that bond.

Regarding apologizing to a borderline, you must keep it 100% honest.  So instead of admitting to some offense that she has imagined, only admit to making her upset, and that you are sorry that she feels that way.  Do not admit to any wrongdoing that you did not do.  If you did something wrong, that take ownership of your wrong.  If it feels 'wrong' don't do it, or word it in such a way where it does not feel wrong.

Use the SET communication technique, Support, Empathy, and Truth if and when you talk to her.  Practice with your mom, or other close friend who you can confide in as it is a powerful communication method that brings peace to the relationship.

I reflected a lot in December and January and apologized for all my parts. It was absolutely honest. Haven't told it to her this way, just mentioning it here: The things I've done have been minor compared to how she demolished the relationship. Mentioned a few things, like running behind and talk, talk, talk in hope to settle the dispute (stressing her out) and stuff like that. But I see these things and have apologized quite a few times in all honesty to her. I already came towards her a lot. I am very interested in the communication skills in case we come together again. I want to know how to effectively communicate with an uBPD or party-diagnosed BPD.

I would tend to agree with Some0ne on that assessment as that is one part of it when she is painting you white; however, if she paints you black, the part could show just as easily.

I do hope she is in the process or about to paint me white... it does at least sometimes, especially with the block unblock stuff, seem like the needle on the black/white scale seems to wiggle a little bit. Or it's just my hope.

All this stuff with the lawyer, and mother leveraging your son against you.  This emotionally dysregulated behavior, and extreme caution is advised, especially with the legal threats.

Agree. Just pointing out it's my stepson.. the baby in April will be my daughter.

At this point in time, let her make the first contact and proceed with extreme caution keeping in mind what you have written.

This is the plan. I am just afraid that she could think one day "Well, lost him... doesn't make sense to contact him". It's so bad... if I'd just knew what is right and wrong. But for now, I keep waiting and won't contact her for now.

Thank you for all the other advise/tips.

I know 12 Euro, is a small amount of money.  It sounds like you are not giving her 12 Euro is about a matter of principle that has become a much larger issue.  What was the specific issue over 12 Euro?

We got unemployment benefits. They take over heating costs. When you have to repay anual costs, you simply pay it and give the invoice to the authorities, and they will pay it back to you. You basically cover it before hand but you will get it back. They always calculate every income/expenses based on the amount of people living in your apartment. In our case that would be 3 people.

Visited the employment center. I was looking for a job after break up or doing qualification program (prior to this, my wife didn't allow me because I could meet women at work, and I told her a ton of times I am loyal but it's BPD anxiety for sure). At the same time, I wanted it that they split our income again, paying my part on my bank account and not the shared account. As a side note, the friendly woman in the office told me that my wife submitted said "anual heating invoice"... since we payed it from the shared income, she suggested to pay me 1/3 of it on my bank account. These have been the 12 Euro.
My wife got more as 2/3 are she and her son.

I couldn't have cared less. I was there to register myself into their database as I am looking for better qualification (learning new job skills)... I just thought "Oh, ok 12 Euro more next month" and forgot about it". Then weeks later my wife brought it up as you have read. I could tell her to look at the paper of the unemployment office, that all entire costs/incomes are in 3 rows... each row with our name.. basic math. Fair math... I told her to contact the office, and replied to her that her lawyer could do so as well or contact me and I explain, after she mentioned him (probably just manipulation, the apartment case is done, she would need to pay again for another case, and I question she would call a lawyer for 12 euro).

Yes, I almost did just send her the 12 Euro so that I have my peace. I value money, but 12 Euro are ridiculous... but now it was about principle right... she often doesn't understand thinks... it's not the first time. But when the authorities send you clear and understandable papers... one with simple 3 rows... every of your income and expenses divided by the amount of people you live together... it's just wow... it's designed and printed for dummies. We lived together for a year, paided heating costs from shared income... but she just didn't understand that this would mean, I am entitled to a share of the repayment.

I finished her in about 3 WhatsApp messaged (sounds evil, but argueing with her would make it worse, so I wanted to keep it short to not make her go nuts, but that didn't work either as it seems)... I wrote stuff like "ask the office again, please contact the bank if you got the 2/3, I got my 1/3... ok, communicate that with your lawyer, he can contact bank, office or me."

[SaltyDawg]

...

Well. We could look at the history. But some things changed... still a lot of blockedy block unblock blocky unblock block the recent months... well, but now I don't chase her anymore... at least not now. And it seems she doesn't exactly chase me either. Wait... it just appeared in my mind that we've been there too... I think we blocked each other from Dez 2021 to Jan 2022 as well, had 1 month NC... and eventually kept chasing each other afterwards, came together, and married each other... (I start to laugh right now, I assume this is a good sign... humor comes back, it's been a roller coaster ride with her).
 
Agree. I so feel that bond.

...

I am very interested in the communication skills in case we come together again. I want to know how to effectively communicate with an uBPD or party-diagnosed BPD.

Thanks for the update again. 

I think your humor might be indicative that you think she will be coming back again, as you just made several correlations to similar abandonment type behaviors in the past. 

Now that you think she may be coming back again, you have the opportunity to break the circular cycles that you and her are in.

I strongly urge you to learn about the 'trauma bond' from the links I posted earlier.

With regards to communication skills.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0 has a plethora of information, you will want to learn most of these skills as you will likely need to use most of these skills.

While negotiating the legal bit initially, you will likely want to use BIFF 2.03

If and when you come together again, then use SET 1.16 and DEARMAN 1.17 for starters.

You have a lot to learn.  I am over a 1000 hours in, and I still don't know everything - I also still have a lot to learn; however, it will require a bit of effort on your part to make things work.

Good luck.

Take Care, and do self-care.

[NorthernCreature]

I want her back... I just want her back... It's such a strong feeling again. The FOMO is back again. I think I will wait one or two more weeks and now since I am at least still unblocked on Instagram, I will drop her this in one or two weeks...

HERNAME? You will give birth to our baby very soon. As you know, since you already have a child, they will be the most important in our life. I still believe that when childs have both, mom and dad, and get love from both, it'll give them a lot of security.

You know that I love you, and you have said and shown me the same for a long time, that you loved me too. Love is not just the feeling at the beginning, love is also a choice that you take, and with our marriage I have chosen you.

I'd like to ask you one more time if we can talk again, together without accusations. You know, I didn't just love you but also your son who noticed it.

I'd like to be there again, for you, for your son, and for our baby. I didn't just love you, I loved the little family that we already have been, together with your son and that we would have been with the baby. I do miss that and I still think a lot about us.

I wish you could feel the sincerity with which I am writing this. From the beginning to the end, I always believed in us and know we can accomplish everything. I wish you would trust me.

I truly feel what we have been and what we planned and hope you'd be open to talk with me again.

I wait one or two weeks if she contacts me or shows other signs. Otherwise I migh be brave and send her this. I have no clue if this will make things worse... what do you guys think?

[SaltyDawg]

I get it, the trauma bond is incredibly strong. 

Avoid using the word 'you' it sounds like you are lecturing her.  Instead I have modified it slightly [in English] to give it a very similar meaning while making it a more positive meaning.  I hope you can see what I am trying to do here.  Let me know if you have any questions.

HERNAME? You will give birth to our baby very soon. As you know, since you already have a child, theyOur children will be the most important inpart of our life. I still believe that when childsit is most important for our children to have both, mom and dad, and get love from both, it'll give themour children a lot of security.

You know that I love you, and you have said and shown me the sameI have felt our love for each other for a long time, that you loved me toowe have loved each other too. Love is not just the feeling at the beginning, love is also a choice that youwe take, and with our marriage I have chosen you.

I'd like to ask you one more time if we can talk again, together without accusations as I love our family including [son's name] too, as I feel a connection to him.  You know, I didn't just love you but also your son who noticed it.

I'd like to be there again, for you[son's name], for your son, and for our baby. I didn't just love you, I loved theour little family that we already have been, together with your son[son's name] and that we would have been with the baby. I do miss thatus and I still think a lot about us.

I wish you could feel the sincerity witham very sincere in which I am writing this. From the beginning to the end, I always believed in usour family and know we can accomplish everything. I wish you would trust me.

I truly feel what we have been and what we planned and hope you'dwe can be open to talk with meI really would like to be able to talk with the love of my life again.

[NorthernCreature]

Hey Salty,

This is cool. I took all your suggestions and adapted my German text. For some reason, maybe this is a cultural thing, the first one is difficult to translate into German. If I write "our children", it somehow makes it sound as if I am the father of her son. This is the only one I won't change but adapted all others.

The last one about "the love of my life" is cool... It reminded me of our wedding... something very similar was written at the end of our wedding vow: "For ever you will be my greatest love"... so, I am using "I really would like to be able to talk with my greatest love again" (not sure if it makes sense in English, but in German it does and the plus point is that it might remind her of our wedding vow).

Thank you. Have a good starting week!

[SaltyDawg]

NC,

   Maybe it is a cultural thing; however, it maybe more of a sentence/word structure.  I am part German [my mother was from the Hamburg area], father is from Holland, I am 1st generation American [USA]. 

Perhaps 'our family' instead of 'our children'. 

I love the idea of using part of your marriage vows.

At this point in time until healing can occur, it is important that your wife feels that she is heard by you.  No criticism by you towards her [use 'I' pronouns in your speech to avoid anything that can be misconstrued as criticism], you do not want her to be defensive.  Of course you don't want her to have contempt for you either, and definitely don't stonewall her [ignore her]. 

Communication is key, especially for a borderline, you need to treat them with 'kid gloves' if you want to have a relationship with one as the littlest things can trigger them.

Take care.

[Turkish]

At this point in time until healing can occur, it is important that your wife feels that she is heard by you. 

This is key and number one of importance, no matter our personal  feelings or pain.

When I was negotiating a custody agreement while my ex was living with me while living out her teenage fantasy with her beau, I thought like Spock: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one... and detached and logical. Despite my anger and hurt, my goal was a fair stipulation and safe situation going forward.

[NorthernCreature]

I am still blocked. Somehow it seems that it is totally over. She just keeps me blocked except for Instagram as said. Not much news except this one...

Feb 20 Still 8 days left for me to give her the basement keys. I was picking some more things up and she put my letter post onto one of the cabinets that I haven't picket up yet. Clearly violating the rule of the court that says she must put the letters into the mailbox of my mother. She either wants me to react or contact her negatively, or I am not picking up my things fast enough for her taste, despite the deadline I have.

I contacted youth welfare office via email and told them what kind of rules my wife told me when it's about visiting the baby (only seeing the baby in my wifes presence, only with a third party, probably her narc mother who hates me). I told the office via email what kind of issues this will cause, and that it's not good for the baby. I suggested that I am able to pick the baby up for a few hours per weeks during visit times. I got a short reply and they offer me consultation... I said yes, waiting for another email reply and an appointment. I am pretty sure, if they offer me to mediate between me and my wife, stuff will it the fan and I will be no longer be painted pitch black but blacker than black.

I do now have days where I feel borderline myself. Sometimes I just hate her, sometimes I still want her back. It's so strange. But overall I would try another round I guess. But somehow it seems like she is so done with me. I have no idea.

[SaltyDawg]

NC,

   That must be really tough.

   Take a video/photos each time you open the storage room for any more surprises of any violations that she might be doing.

   Make sure you document everything that you are following all of the rules.  Do not contact her negatively, even though she is 'taunting' you.

   You want what is best for your child.

   I know your first therapy session is on the 26th [from what you told me earlier], be sure to explore your feelings of being 'borderline' with your therapists when you start.  With those feelings, it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your relationship.  You may also want to look at being 'codependent' as that shares half of the traits of a quiet borderline - I am doing a deep dive on that myself.

   In the mean time, make sure that you do self-care with exercise outdoors among other strategies to prevent depression.

   Take care.
   
SD

[NorthernCreature]

Hi Salty,

Make sure you document everything that you are following all of the rules.  Do not contact her negatively, even though she is 'taunting' you.

Yes I document everything, just in case. I never reacted to any of her provokations. I won't. As you said, I prefer to document.

I know your first therapy session is on the 26th [from what you told me earlier], be sure to explore your feelings of being 'borderline' with your therapists when you start.

The therapist is available from 26th again. So, it's not the start of a therapy but I will contact her then and ask for therapy. I would assume that I will probably have waiting times of months (that's how it is in Germany). Anyway, she is the one with a good range of skills related to BPD, trauma and co dependency and stuff.

With those feelings, it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your relationship.

I sure do (laugh)... it got the best of me again the last hours... I started to pre-write something new that I consider to send her...
It probably reads strange in English.. but the context should be clear...

Can I at least ask how you and your son and our baby are doing? I'd like to talk again. If you want that too, I am always here for you. You are and always will be dear to me.

You have been right, I have values too. If I defended myself, it is not only for my self-protection but also in order to be strong for both of us. For you and with you, together as family, and also for your son, I just wanted to function.

If you still don't want to talk, then it is ok. I do accept and respect all your decisions. If you still don't want to reconcile, if you still want to divorce, it's all ok.

But I hope we can at least function together for our baby.
I wish you the best for the delivery and can't await to see our baby.

It's a little bit inspired by something from a video of Prof. Sam Vaknin: https://youtu.be/ypQ0bh6kY2Y?t=363

I probably won't send it, like the last text (laugh)... but maybe I do... I no longer know how to communicate. Even writing feels like walking on eggshells, which is why I am afraid to send something at all... I haven't gone through the communication links you posted yet.. but I will. 

[SaltyDawg]

NC,

My apologies for getting back to you so late.

I am happy that you agree to not react to her provocations and just document what is going on.

I watched a portion of video link you sent, I have been meaning to watch more of Professor Sam Vaknin, he seems to have a very empathic way of dealing with Borderlines much different from other YouTuber professors and doctors speaking on the subject.  I agree completely with what the professor is saying on those four points and will likely adopt them for myself in my particular situation.  I am on a never-ending quest for knowledge to improve my particular situation.

I do like what you have written for your 'intended text'; however, be mindful if and when you are going to send it, as you have so aptly observed it is definitely like walking on eggshells, and perhaps walking on hand grenades.  Her current emotional state the moment she receives that text will determine how it is received.

Be sure to have a list of questions when you do contact the therapists on the 26th, perhaps she can give you a few quick pointers before your first session some number of months into the future.

Continue your self-care, that is very important.

Take care.

[kells76]

Hi NorthernCreature, thanks for the update -- good to hear that you're documenting what's going on. Your baby's well-being is a top priority, and you staying in your baby's life is so important.

Also good to hear that the T you plan to see has skills and experience with BPD & trauma. It can be so validating to meet with a professional, show him/her the emails/texts/etc you've been receiving, and to hear "Yes, this is consistent with how a person with a PD communicates".

Smart to pre-write stuff and think about it before sending it. This site is a great place to do that and get feedback. In fact, for best practices for communicating with a pwBPD (or any high conflict person), try Bill Eddy instead of Sam Vaknin. Various members have shared their feedback and experiences with Vaknin in this thread called Online Reputation, Independent Review over in our library -- former staff member blackandwhite recommended watching a documentary about him as you assess his background:

He's a controversial figure, as you've probably seen. I would suggest watching I, Psychopath, a documentary about him, prior to reading his stuff. I saw it online--here's one place you can find it: www.topdocumentaryfilms.com/i-psychopath/.

He's bizarrely fascinating and sometimes seems to have tremendous insight, but everything he does is manipulation, so you're lost in a world of funhouse mirrors when reading him (is he telling the truth, does he know the truth, is he enjoying the audience's discomfort, is he laughing all the way to the bank?).

I'd also suggest getting grounded in objective literature first as Vaknin's world is very disorienting. Personally, I can't really go there much. The NPD/AsPD thing sets off my alarm bells so strongly I need to back away.

William (Bill) Eddy is a reputable published author, and a lawyer and social worker. He's known for his work on "BIFF" communication with high conflict people (and your son's mom is definitely that, sigh) -- that stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, as a format for minimizing conflict and getting problems solved. He's also known for his book Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist, which could be a really good resource for you as you navigate trying to have time with your baby. I understand that you are not officially divorced right now, but the concepts and skills are so helpful no matter where you're at.

Hope those resources help you as you continue focusing on your son, and reach out if you have any questions about those links;

kells76

[NorthernCreature]

Things change so quickly at the moment. Still haven't send the text, and now I just can't do it for now... here is the news:

22 FEB

A neighbor walked in front of my wife in a park. He told my mother that she was on her phone, very excited and flirtious. She heard out that she said on the phone "Then we will see each other this evening again". Well, she barely has friends that would stop by. And before we got officially together, she always invited me in the evening too, after she brought her son to bed. The main point with that is, that her controlling mother doesn't want her to have a BF. And her son could tell her. Which is why she got issues with her mom, when we made it official. That's why I will now also talk about a scarf. She never wears them. But if she does it, she has a reason.

Then she would even wear a scarf at moderately/warm weather. The (allegedly toxic and dangerous) ex before me plastered her neck with lovebites, and she weared a scarf at warm October weather to hide it from her son, and hid it from me for a while. Too bad I was the white knight, believing her stories about the ex, not having mercy with him (triangle anyone?), and telling my wife that I believe her that she will not meet him again, when she cried "Sorry for the lovebites, I want to be with you". She didn't meet him again. I usually find lovebites childish, but that stopped when we came together, she told me her neck is very erogenous and she didn't lie about that. When she looked like I beat her up, she weared a scarf to hide it from her mother and son, be it inside in rooms or outside. Even during a warm February day. We made it official that we are together, she got troubles with her mom, like with her ex. And then history repeats... she is weared a scarf yesterday with 10 degrees, having someone on the phone, saying "Then we see each other this evening again"... I bet she doesn't want a relationship again... I bet she attempts to keep the relationship open, like she attempted with her ex and me. Maybe she found someone with whom it works... if so, she didn't bluff with her WhatsApp status. Maybe I am interpreting too much, but I now think she already has someone on top of her in the evenings One month before the birth of our baby... and with my name and our anniversaries big fat tattooed on her forearm... I do assume this doesn't matter for other dudes, when you just want to lay someone... I am devastated.

I am not sure if she has someone or not... but now it would make sense. She knows said neighbor and when she walked past him, she was in shock... I wondered, the neighbor is always wearing the same jacked, you can not confuse him with a stranger. She knows if she would spread false info near him, it would reach me in a matter of some hours. my deluded mind wishes this is still her attempting to make me jelious. But I no longer know. I must be so deluded.

The other news is that I am now in contact with youth welfare again. Told them, what kind of trouble I see if I visit my baby (as my wife said I can only visit, but not pick up my baby, and only if a third person of her choice is there). I get more advice the following week. Apart from that I got more phone numbers, which ended up in more phone numbers (laugh)... basically some organizations that can help me. Got some interesting infos, I might write about it if I know how things continue. But everyone already told me that they don't make laws, I must be prepared to get my lawyer involved with my wife if mediation and stuff doesn't work.

[NorthernCreature]

23 Feb Called her. Didn't want to contront her if she has a new one. Wanted to ask her about the baby. She didn't accept my call. Couldn't resist. Wrote her spontaneously on the last open channel (Insta). I wrote "Can I at least ask how you, your son and our baby are doing?" and "I don't know why you blocked me, I did leave you alone after the court date, but I'd like to know how the baby is doing. If you still don't want contact, it's ok, but if you want, I am there... Anyway, I wish you all the best for upcoming birth of our child". Guess what happened 5 mins later? No reply but... BLOCKED on Instagram. Now blocked everywhere again.

Honestly,... I've never been threated like that in my entire life. BPD here or there... but she could be happy that I am asking for our baby, which took me a lot of courage right now... it hurts very much. It was all just fake. Moving together, marriage, planning a baby... this disorder ripped my heart out... I crying like a baby right now.

[SaltyDawg]

NC,

   Sorry for your loss.  It sounds like you are very observant, especially with the scarf, with it being 10C outside, you obviously know what it means along with what was overheard and being blocked 'everywhere'.

   I am sure the emotional pain is terrible.  Please do some self-care, a walk outside, a long hot shower, getting lost in a movie/tv series/book - something to distract yourself.

   I know that I am a codependent.  If you need help sooner than what the public health service can offer, might I suggest going to https://www.coda-deutschland.de/ and talk to them.  They have both online and in-person meetings.  Share your story there, they may be able to help instead of waiting for months [imho is way too long for where you are emotionally at].

   Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

In fact, for best practices for communicating with a pwBPD (or any high conflict person), try Bill Eddy instead of Sam Vaknin. Various members have shared their feedback and experiences with Vaknin in this thread called Online Reputation, Independent Review over in our library -- former staff member blackandwhite recommended watching a documentary about him as you assess his background

Kells,

   Thanks for the "Sam Vaknin" info as he may be a diagnosed narcissist and possible psychopath.  The documentary looks to be very fascinating. I will watch it at a later time. 

SD

[NorthernCreature]

I just thought I update this thread a little bit with the things that happened over time.

Feb 27:

My mother meets the mother of the dude my wife wanted me to make jelious with (the text status posts on WhatsApp). Somehow his mother asks why my wife and me are not seen together again. During the talk, her son becomes topic. His mother says "No way, you sons wife must lie" and tells my mother why this is absolutely not possible that they had something together.

Mar 11:

My wife starts charming like crazy, like playing with her son in front of my living room window. Lurk around where it's highly likely to see me and so on. She eventually unblocks me on Instagram.

Mar 17:

We meet each other in the park per coincidence. I just say "hello" and she's very upset about that. Starts a barrage of word salad at me, with old and new accusations (like 15 topics at once). I tell her that I say "hello" because sooner or later we will see each other anyway, when the baby is born. And that I find it more awkward not to say "hello". She keeps talking about new and old accusations. I am barely able to reply but in the end I get some time to talk too and I am able to calm her down. It's almost like she splits me white in the moment (facial expressions, the way she replies)... so, I reached her... but her mother stops by with the bicycle and screams "Don't get fooled my him" and more idiotic things... her daughter immedietly mirrors her mother again.

Mar 18:

She unblocks me on Instragram. I can't hold myself and write her a medium long message related to her false accusations. But not directly making them a topic. I rather told her "When we met in the park, it felt like you didn't allow me to reply at first, I just want to tell you again that there are so many misunderstandings. For example, when I told you that it's sick that you threatened me with breakups, I've just set a boundary, that I'd like to feel secure in the relationship, as I wanted you to feel secure too. Not just for my own protection, but actually to stay strong with you together, also for the kids". I also wrote her sentences like "I feel like you devalue me for no reason, and while I understand a lot of your fears, I've always cared about you and your son. I just wish that you think about it, that one day, you maybe see it again. Now I am sad because I feel misunderstood, wrongly judged and I wish you would trust me, that I care a lot about you". This is just a quick translation, the message was a little bit more detailed, but I wrote it along those lines. You can guess it... I got blocked hours later without a reply.

Mar 19:

She unblocked me again on Instagram.

Mar 24:

She unblocks me on WhatsApp. I don't react this time.

Apr 03:

Saw my wife, she smiled at me and said "Hello". Greeted back, confused me how friendly she was.

Apr 04:

I get an extremely long WhatsApp message that I had to unfold like 6 times, and it took me 5-10 minutes to read the entire message. The message is riddled with old and new accusations. Partly about her false accusation that I called her "my little psycho girl" in November before her breakup. She went on, even if I just said "It's sick that..." or "You're sick...". She is not able to trust me again. In an equally long message I just repeated myself that I said "It's sick that you constantly are threatening me with breakup" and that I needed security. Anyway, aside old complaints, her latest complain was about the meeting in the park on Mar 17.

She said "You clearly showed that you're not listening to me, because right in the middle of the talk, you start to mention a squirrel". I actually did, the squirrel made me smile and I thought she would like to see it too. That's it. I explained that to her in my equally long reply. Anway, talking about her message, it was almost like she split me white again at the end of her long message because she ended it with "I and my son, we both imagined it differently too. My son truly saw you as a dad he never had. He accepted and respected you so quickly, so much faster than I would have thought. The breakup was a burden for him, he is so disappointed about the breakup". So different to what she told her lawyer months earlier.

I almost wanted to point that out and remind her of her false accusations and that she actually broke up with me. However, I just replied differently and said "Yes, I know he liked me so much, because I accepted and respected him quickly as well... I am glad see this" and told her that my impression was that we all have been happy, wondering why we ended it. She now turned the chat into a buerocratic direction again and caused drama with those topics. Strangely enough, she didn't block me this time.

Apr 05:

I brough up the point with her son again. She did evade the topic and brought up the topic again that she felt insulted with the things I never said to her (psycho girl bla bla). She said, no matter how I said it, she can't understand why I am talking about breakup threats, she actually wanted to break up with me but I never let her breakup. I then reminded her how she broke up with me before the final breakup and that I was so burned out by it that I simply accepted it... and that she fell into my arms 15 mins later, hugging me, cuddling me, telling me "Please no, this felt so real, I love you, I never want to break up with you again". I reminded her how we had candle light dinners, how she wrote "Mom and Dad", "Kids" on the towel hooks in the bathroom, how we watched movies with her son like family... all that, and how we usually have been like a freshly inloved couple just days before her breakups. Or to be more exact, how love got more and more intense. She then replied "If you think this was just played, it wasn't. I didn't forget any of the wonderful moments we had". So much about "I didn't let her go".

She now asks why I am still in her rental contract (this was also topic in the park, and in her long text message). I tell her that I already freely moved out and what they told us at court, that I stay in the contract until divorce. She now says "Someone else could move in anyway, he doesn't have to be in the rental contract". I then wrote her "Ah, so, you have a new one?" and she replies again "Someone can move in her, that person wouldn't need to be in the contract, and that would be okay for me". Even if I didn't believe her, after her previous jealousy games, I write this anyway "You must hate me when you replace me that fast", to which she replied "I guess you didn't understand my text with the rental contract" and that confused me a lot (laugh).

I then asked her if she just evades the things I wrote related to her good memories she mentioned, or that her son saw me as the dad he never had. That it makes me wonder why we didn't stick together then. She then went all the way back to the false accusation that I called her "my little psycho girl" and replies "Sticking togehter? When you insult me like that? The remaining trust I had disappeared and I can not forgive you. And by the way, you would have insulted me sooner or later in other way, the question is just when?". In her text she also mentioned that I insulted her in the hallway, it's been the apartment floor previously, so, she altered her confabulation already a little bit. I explained myself yet again (I know, JADE is probably bad) but strangely enough she agreed this time with a "Yes... but now it is as it is".

I became a little bit frustrated now, and replied "Yes, because you gave up something wonderful. But I got used to it that you just idealized me and now hate me equally hard". She replied "You don't have to convince me that I hate you, I don't". She then claimed again that she also broke up because of the constant discussions (normal existential talks each couple has... what to cook, shopping, what her son eats, finances... always calm, it never has been a dispute)... like months before, I told her "If I wouldn't have brought up the topic with shopping, cooking and eating... we wouldn't have sat together with your son at the table, he wouldn't have discovered new things he likes to eat. With time we found a system in different areas, how to live together as a small family, like other families too". This would have been the point where she usually would have disagreed the last months or where she would have still called it disputes... but this time? She just replied "Yes". As if she sees it now how important it was to find a system together. Anway, shortly after she wrote again "Now it is how it is".

I then ask her why she wrote me 20 meter long text wall, mostly filled with complaints, but then also a few positive remarks and generally on the relationship level. She then claimed it was only a reply to my Instragram message after we met in the park (17 days after my message and the park meeting?). I ask her if she truly wanted to see my view or if she just wanted to cause drama. She then replied "Don't play the victim again. I just wanted to tell you what is inside me, what I feel all the time" to which I replied "Yes, and you got a honest long reply from me, that I understand your fears, but that I've always been there for you, that you got me wrong or have a wrong picture of me".

I now told her "I mean, you see it yourself, the good memories, the things you said about your son, that he loved me too". I then wrote "It's like you see how beautiful it was... and I asked myself very often if the breakup does put a strain on you too?". She then replied "Yes, it's been difficult... but now it is how it is and it would never be as it was before. Too much gone broke, too much is damaged". I just replied "Sad that you think this way, when two have difficulties with the breakup, we should find back together".
She now wrote me a longer reply...

"How do you believe things will work when you move back in? Maybe it's working for 3 or 4 weeks and then things like disputes repeat (I still have no clue what kind of disputes she means). And then the baby is there, I want to break up again, and this time you will fight to stay in the apartment because of the baby. Now that you are still in the contract, I see, it's the easy way for you to come back. But I would need a lawyer and we're back at court because of the apartment. How do you imagine all this? What do you think will happen? You're back and everything is good? Then your cat again, I don't want pets anymore in the apartment. By the way, I beautified the entire apartment for me and my son, I got new furniture (I just solved her financial issues earlier, I guess she is back to the life of debts), I painted the apartment, the baby room is ready. You don't want to terminate the rental contract yet because you think you can come back!

I replied to her that I don't understand this type of thinking. It's not my thinking. I am not thinking about the apartment but about us. That I miss her and her son... the family life we had. That's the way I think. And that we can make it work together. She then replied "You know what? The long text I wrote you, it's just stuff I wanted to get off my chest. It doesn't mean I want to try something with you. It's been a mistake to contact you again". She continued "Sense and purpose of the year of separation before divorce is not to talk with each other... if it's about the baby, okay, but otherwise there is no reason". It's almost like she is repeating the bullsh... her narc mother constantly said to divide us or prevent that we come together again. I replied to my wife "You contacted me on a relationship level, not about the baby... apart from that, the actual purpose of the year of separation is to make married couples calm down and find back together... this is how the legislator sees it, that's why there is a year of separation before divorce". I continued "Sometimes it looks like you still see what we had, and I have had my arm opened for you because I would reconcile with you". She replied "These things I have seen. Now it's different".

Now it felt like she started splitting in the black direction again. Mentioning her old projections like "If I would have known that you show your true face later, it would have been better not to marry you or plan a kid with you". She also immedietly went back to how bad I've been for her and her son. I was now triggered too and told her "You need to project onto me, reverse guilt... I need to be the perpetrator, because otherwise it would be difficult for you to explain to others why you wanted a child with me and then kick me out soon after". She replied in short "I see it differently but ok". She now brough up old false accusations again. I've send her 3 voice messages with a calm voice, attempting to remind her of things... (because I fear her mother constantly validates the wrong perceptions of my wife, keeping her effectively in her psychosis, and under control of her narc mother). So, I just wanted my wife to hear my perspective, the reality. It seems like my wife listened to the voice messages but just replied 10 minutes later via text with a "Just stop it". I went to bad, sad.

Apr 06:

I write my wife in the morning that I should stop take it personaly. Made a few remarks about her back and forth issues. Repeated that I've always been there for her. That I understand her struggles "technically" but that it's difficult for me "emotionally". I told her that I know that she devalues me, and that I sometimes saw her signals that she has difficulties with the breakup too. That I still opened my arms despite what happened. That I miss her and that it's very difficult for me that she reverts back to paint me as the devil, in between moments when she sees that her perception was wrong. Then I mentioned in the text that I no longer want to defend myself against false accusations, and that it might be better if we just communicate about the baby, when the baby arrived.

I always thought she is quit BPD. And I never truly saw her rage. But now she did. Even if it was just text, I felt the rage. The started to send me huge text walls with insults... "You're such a loser", "Look at you, living at your moms apartment like a looser" (after I freely left our marriage apartment so that things calm down)... she went forth with very stalkerish and accurate information's like "Being at your new notebook each evening, drinking Cola, what kind of father will you be?". Or "Seek help, you're the one who needs help... you become father and you don't get your life together". "I can't grasp it, you're 41, still living at moms home". "I still remember how you sat there, petting your cat like a looser (caring about my cat 5 minutes before I watched Netflix for hours with my wife... in the end I always thought she hated my cat and everyone who took a bit of my time).

Well, it went on and on... never seen her write such hateful things. She evenwent so far to call me worthless, skillless, despite knowing that I am guitar player, amateur photographer, graphic designer and writer but yeah. Now I knew... this is how it is, when it all comes out of a quit bpd person. I've been stupid enough to reply, for example about the skills and being worthless... still remembering how she had zero hobbies except me, her son (which is fine) and apart from that only watching Instagram... I told her "Says the person that browsed Instagram all day long"... to which she funnily replied to the more recent time "I've seen your online times on Insta, you can only know that I am often in Insta because you're stalking me there (that was funny... stalking me, and calling me a stalker).

Finally she told me a bit more aggressive this time... "To marry you and to get pregnant with you is the single worst decision she ever fell in her life". She ended her barrage of insults and provokation and just blocked me everywhere. WhatsApp, Instagram. Simply everywhere.

Story continues

[NorthernCreature]

Apr10:

Our daughter was born. But I didn't know yet. See April 14 below...

Apr 14:

Since April 04 was the predicted birth date of my daughter, I wondered if I am already father. My half-sister meant it's highly likely and I should call the hospital. I did call the hospital and a woman asked me a few details and then said "Yes, that woman was here". I asked her "What does that mean, did she gave birth?". She replied "Yes, on April 10". I got more information from her while I cried on the telephone. I knew I would become father, but having to get the information of the birth on my own, not even getting a message from my wife... I felt so sad and worthless. It's so evil.

Apr 15:

My wife unblocks me on WhatsApp and I get a dry text "Baby is there, but I write you because I need a signature for child benefits application. You have it in your mailbox. Give it back into my mailbox this evening". I asked her why she didn't inform me earlier about the birth of our daughter and got no reply. I asked her how she is doing and about the health status and she didn't reply. I demanded a picture and got one. I asked her when I can see our baby but she didn't reply. She then asked me again for the signature and I told her that I will check it out. She then immidietly called me via phone and asked me "Do you want to see the baby now? You can come over here, I will come down with the baby and you can see it in the hallway".

In the hallway... Well, at least something. I wanted to see our baby. I went over there. Saw the baby and she asked me if I want to hold it. I told her "We have such a beautiful baby". I enjoyed the moment, holding our baby and looking at it, despite the circumstances. I asked my wife how birth was and if she can tell me something about the health status of the baby. She then said "Well, the constant stress during pregnancy, it went over to the baby, which is why we need to visit the hospital every day now". She just left the hospital but well... apart from that, it was her again, like months before, telling me that I stressed her during pregnancy, while not seeing that her stress comes from her borderline disorder. Thus, I asked her "You mean the stress you had long before the pregnancy?". Strangely enough again, she replied with "Yes" as if she would agree. Well, I concentrated on the baby again, and only told my wife once again "I've been there for you, I think you know it". She didn't say anything but nodded. And she had these facial expressions like being in love... or as if I've been split white in the moment. I've already seen that when I met her in the park and calmed her down. As if she is splitting me back to white for short moments. Anyway, she wanted to go back into the apartment, I gave her the baby and left the hallway, which is when I noticed that her controlling narc (staff sargeant) mother was standing in the hallway one floor above us all the time.

I went back home and got a phone call. In the background I heard her narc mother complaining, while my wife just asked me in a very submissive way "Why didn't you bring the signed child benefits application with you? It seemed like her mother meddled again. As I currently live at my mothers home, I told her that I don't have the keys and my mother is not home. Shortly after, my mother came home and I found the child benefits application papers in the mailbox. But I noticed, my wife only gave me one page, the one where you put your signature. I wrote her on WhatsApp "Hey, I gonna help you, but can you please give me the other pages of the application? You just gave me the last page". She then replied "I told you what it is about". I told her "Yes, I know what it is about, and I gonna sign it... I just need the other pages, filled out, to read and check it". She the said "It's not important to have the other pages... the information's on these pages are only relevant to her".

I replied "I sign the entire application, not a single page, thus I need to read it. Before you say again that I put stones in your path, it's not about you but I never signed any contract or application that I haven't fully read... it's common sense, isn't it?". She then replied "Well, then I will break all forms of contact with you, everything else via our lawyers". I replied "Well, if you don't need my help" and got blocked to the thousands time. I am in contact with my lawyer because now with the baby, she needs to be available for me, asking questions about the baby and so... my lawyer will help me and we document her preventing me to be able to contact her.

Apr 17:

My mother saw my wife in the park with the pram. My wife stopped the pram abruptly and changed direction so that my mother can not see our baby. And generally, a lot of neighbors see now that my wifes son is constantly at her narc mother's home. My wife was already stressed with her son... but now with her son and a baby... we expected it to happen. He son is now pushed of to her narc mother each day and doesn't sleep at home either. That's what neighbors already noticed.

Apr 19:

My mother saw my wife again with the pram. And yet again, my wife stopped abruptly and waited where my mother goes. Preventing that my mother can take a look at her granddaughter. Meanwhile, I have seen my daughter the first and last time on April 15. Since my wife broke all contact methods with me, I can not even ask her to see my daughter but my lawyer will help me.

[Turkish]

She referred to the baby as "it" multiple times?

Go though the lawyer from now on.  The emotional tit-for-tat between the two of you isn't productive.

[NorthernCreature]

She referred to the baby as "it" multiple times?

Go though the lawyer from now on.  The emotional tit-for-tat between the two of you isn't productive.

She also used the baby name a few times but it's not unusual in German to say "you can see it", "the baby".

I am still baffled about what happened from Apr 04 on. With her making remarks about her son, that I she knows that I've been like the dad for him he never had (which is true, while she told her lawyer the complete opposite months ago). Or mentioning that she has good memories of our time and that she struggles too with the breakup. Or fishing for information how I would imagine it to work if we would come together again... and then splitting be black again and raging at me via text another day... and later not telling me that our daughter was born.

I mean, I should be veteran by now... knowing she can think/act this way one minute, and another way the next... or days, weeks, months. But we haven't had this in a while now, as I've been the devil in person since months now, with zero positive opinions about me until  April as said.

I assume she was splitting back and forth from Apr 04 on? At times it looked as if she was, or was about to split me white again. As if the needle (imagining some a gauge) was somewhere in the middle between black and white, moving a bit into the white... basically about to split... and as if there are defense mechanisms like reaction formation, repression and so on, to keep the black view on me to get out of the cognitive dissonance (the needle bouncing in the greyzone for a while)... painting me black again.

Talking about cognitive dissonance, that's also something I battle with since quite some time now. I actually hate her at times for the ways she abused and still abused me. But minutes or hours later I can have the feeling of still loving her... and sometimes I actually feel both at the same time, which is a very strange feeling... making me wonder if that is what she goes through... because I usually restore one thought... loving her or hating her. It almost feels like she "poisoned" me with onset borderline.

I still wonder... how can I get her back? As much as I understand borderline technically (theoretically)... emotionally, I still miss her so much... I wish she would give it another try, especially since she sees our good times too and struggled as she said.

[Turkish]

You'll want to delve into the validation skills in the Lessons at the top of the board. I saw a lot of invalidation on your side in the interactions you wrote. That is understandable given how fresh this is and heightened emotions. I've been there. I'm also not approving of what she's said which is highly immature and nasty.

Even if you don't get back together, you'll still be parenting a child together, so you'll need to learn those skills,  and I hope that you can work it out so that you aren't cut off from your baby daughter.