Other house

[Depression = 72% of members]

Long story short, about 3 months ago, I had my uBPDh removed from the house.  Not knowing that he had a place to live, he rented a house.  Unknown to me, a day after he signed the lease, I offered to try to reconcile, allowing him to move back in.  Initially, he was going to try to get out of his lease.  As he switched back to black, this quickly turned into him telling me that his therapist (requirement of reconciliation) has said that he should keep that house and move to it while we start our reconciliation.  I didn't agree at first, as I felt like this was spending money that didn't need to be spent (he pays a large amount on rent each month), not something that a well informed therapist would say and would be hard on the kids if we didn't at least discuss it first.  Another requirement of reconciliation was going to a couples therapist.  We agreed to speak with the couple's therapist about this and go from there.  Every excuse possible about finding a therapist has been used so to date we don't have a couple's therapist.  About a week later, the kids and I got home from work/daycare and he had moved about 3/4 of his clothes and my step-daughters clothes out and did not answer my phone call (though I did only try to call once).  3 days later, he started sleeping at our house again, and hasn't slept at his other house since.  He goes there just about every Tuesday and Thursday, and works from home there, as those are the days that I am not home as I go into work (I don't know why he does this).  He also goes there at random times, sometimes to pick up clothes, sometimes to "clean", sometimes for who knows what (always asking the kids if they want to go with him...but they always say no).  About 2 weeks ago, he brought to our home a large suitcase of my step-daughter's clothes from his other house.  A day or so after that, trying to get to my kids and I, he packed up more bags (though thinking about it, I don't know what was in those bags as he has just about the same amount of clothes in his closet as he did before) of his stuff and made it known that he was bringing more of his clothes to his other house...he slept at our house that night.  Jump forward...this past week he split black starting on Tuesday since I went into work...this is just about a weekly thing (when I leave to go to work, he splits black).  He usually transitions to white on Fridays, with one weekend a month him continuing through the weekend.  Unfortunately, this was the weekend of the month where he continued black.  Saturday, I invited him to the plans that the kids and I had for the day.  He told me he had something to do with my step-daughter (something that I believed would take about 4 hours).  He didn't come home for 8 hours.  During this time, I took care of the kids (not turning the tv on at all...which is all he does with the kids) and when the kids took their naps, I began to deep clean the house.  I left to go pick up my other 2 kids, having to wake one of my kids up from their naps.  During this time I found out that my uncle had passed away that day.  I let him know, and I got little response...though he did call my mom which is what was most important to me.  He and my step daughter were home when I got home.  My stepdaughter doesn't pick up anything after herself.  Thus, an hour after getting home, the house was a mess.  Upset about my uncle, dealing with the black air in our house because of his mood and seeing all of the work I had done in the last couple of hours ruined, I was very on edge.  My 8 year old asked me if she could help me.  I asked her if she minded starting to pick up the mess of the living room.  My husband told my daughter to stop and started screaming at me, that I hated my step daughter, that I am a horrible person, a whore, etc.  I told him and all of the kids that I was not doing this and went upstairs.  When I was upstairs, I heard him sternly telling my step daughter that she is to never speak to me again.  That she will be in trouble herself if she does.  He later told her, in front of my kids, that she is to no longer speak to them as well.  He then made her sit at a different table to eat dinner than us and to watch a different tv before bed.  Every time I was in the same room, he would start in on something.  I did a pretty good job not responding, but every once in a while would say, "I really hope you get the help you need" or "the kids don't deserve this" as I was walking away.  I finally told him to please go to his other house.  I said, isn't this the reason why you have the other house, please use it so that this doesn't continue in front of the kids.  He refused, saying he was spending the night with his kids but would leave the next day.  He did nothing with the kids that night...except offer for our son who usually cuddles with him at bed time, to lay with him and he didn't want to.  I took the kids up to bed...my stepdaughter followed me soon after and my husband came up a couple of hours later.  When he got in bed I got woken up with his hand reaching out to me...he was split white...wanting to cuddle and have sex.  I told him that I was not in that place, as he had just acted horribly and said some horrible things about me.  He didn't care.  The next day, he wanted to do everything that I did...including going to my son's basketball game.   

[Anonymous22]

Long story short, about 3 months ago, I had my uBPDh removed from the house.  Not knowing that he had a place to live, he rented a house.  Unknown to me, a day after he signed the lease, I offered to try to reconcile, allowing him to move back in.  Initially, he was going to try to get out of his lease.  As he switched back to black, this quickly turned into him telling me that his therapist (requirement of reconciliation) has said that he should keep that house and move to it while we start our reconciliation.  I didn't agree at first, as I felt like this was spending money that didn't need to be spent (he pays a large amount on rent each month), not something that a well informed therapist would say and would be hard on the kids if we didn't at least discuss it first.  Another requirement of reconciliation was going to a couples therapist.  We agreed to speak with the couple's therapist about this and go from there.  Every excuse possible about finding a therapist has been used so to date we don't have a couple's therapist.  About a week later, the kids and I got home from work/daycare and he had moved about 3/4 of his clothes and my step-daughters clothes out and did not answer my phone call (though I did only try to call once).  3 days later, he started sleeping at our house again, and hasn't slept at his other house since.  He goes there just about every Tuesday and Thursday, and works from home there, as those are the days that I am not home as I go into work (I don't know why he does this).  He also goes there at random times, sometimes to pick up clothes, sometimes to "clean", sometimes for who knows what (always asking the kids if they want to go with him...but they always say no).  About 2 weeks ago, he brought to our home a large suitcase of my step-daughter's clothes from his other house.  A day or so after that, trying to get to my kids and I, he packed up more bags (though thinking about it, I don't know what was in those bags as he has just about the same amount of clothes in his closet as he did before) of his stuff and made it known that he was bringing more of his clothes to his other house...he slept at our house that night.  Jump forward...this past week he split black starting on Tuesday since I went into work...this is just about a weekly thing (when I leave to go to work, he splits black).  He usually transitions to white on Fridays, with one weekend a month him continuing through the weekend.  Unfortunately, this was the weekend of the month where he continued black.  Saturday, I invited him to the plans that the kids and I had for the day.  He told me he had something to do with my step-daughter (something that I believed would take about 4 hours).  He didn't come home for 8 hours.  During this time, I took care of the kids (not turning the tv on at all...which is all he does with the kids) and when the kids took their naps, I began to deep clean the house.  I left to go pick up my other 2 kids, having to wake one of my kids up from their naps.  During this time I found out that my uncle had passed away that day.  I let him know, and I got little response...though he did call my mom which is what was most important to me.  He and my step daughter were home when I got home.  My stepdaughter doesn't pick up anything after herself.  Thus, an hour after getting home, the house was a mess.  Upset about my uncle, dealing with the black air in our house because of his mood and seeing all of the work I had done in the last couple of hours ruined, I was very on edge.  My 8 year old asked me if she could help me.  I asked her if she minded starting to pick up the mess of the living room.  My husband told my daughter to stop and started screaming at me, that I hated my step daughter, that I am a horrible person, a whore, etc.  I told him and all of the kids that I was not doing this and went upstairs.  When I was upstairs, I heard him sternly telling my step daughter that she is to never speak to me again.  That she will be in trouble herself if she does.  He later told her, in front of my kids, that she is to no longer speak to them as well.  He then made her sit at a different table to eat dinner than us and to watch a different tv before bed.  Every time I was in the same room, he would start in on something.  I did a pretty good job not responding, but every once in a while would say, "I really hope you get the help you need" or "the kids don't deserve this" as I was walking away.  I finally told him to please go to his other house.  I said, isn't this the reason why you have the other house, please use it so that this doesn't continue in front of the kids.  He refused, saying he was spending the night with his kids but would leave the next day.  He did nothing with the kids that night...except offer for our son who usually cuddles with him at bed time, to lay with him and he didn't want to.  I took the kids up to bed...my stepdaughter followed me soon after and my husband came up a couple of hours later.  When he got in bed I got woken up with his hand reaching out to me...he was split white...wanting to cuddle and have sex.  I told him that I was not in that place, as he had just acted horribly and said some horrible things about me.  He didn't care.  The next day, he wanted to do everything that I did...including going to my son's basketball game.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.