Crossing the Line - Exiting the Theme Park Entirely

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am sure some of you are familiar with my extensive post over in the relationship section. It is time I came over to this side.



I have been being strung along and been playing the yo-yo game with my ex for months now, since I was kicked out in September. Details about all of that can be found in my previous post on the other Forum.



They say this is a roller coaster ride, yesterday I chose to get off the roller coaster. Finally.

Now I need to exit the theme park entirely, without being tempted by all of the flashy advertisements to stay in the theme park.



A number of people told me to be  Vigilant and on my guard about push-pull Dynamics and getting pulled back into the drama. I personally don't really think that's going to happen, but I'm sure that many of people have said that before.



Admittedly, the history shows that it's definitely a possibility. My ex and I have broken up twice already. Got together at the end of 2019, broke up in Fall of 2020, got back together in August of 21, kicked out again in September of 22.

So despite the fact that it feels like it is very much dead and behind me, and I'm not going to be hearing from her, history and other people's experience here has shown that that may be the case. I know right now I would be weak to such interactions,  which is why I need to get out of the theme park entirely

[OKrunch]

I am sure some of you are familiar with my extensive post over in the relationship section. It is time I came over to this side.



I have been being strung along and been playing the yo-yo game with my ex for months now, since I was kicked out in September. Details about all of that can be found in my previous post on the other Forum.



They say this is a roller coaster ride, yesterday I chose to get off the roller coaster. Finally.

Now I need to exit the theme park entirely, without being tempted by all of the flashy advertisements to stay in the theme park.



A number of people told me to be  Vigilant and on my guard about push-pull Dynamics and getting pulled back into the drama. I personally don't really think that's going to happen, but I'm sure that many of people have said that before.



Admittedly, the history shows that it's definitely a possibility. My ex and I have broken up twice already. Got together at the end of 2019, broke up in Fall of 2020, got back together in August of 21, kicked out again in September of 22.

So despite the fact that it feels like it is very much dead and behind me, and I'm not going to be hearing from her, history and other people's experience here has shown that that may be the case. I know right now I would be weak to such interactions,  which is why I need to get out of the theme park entirely

[Pook075]

I'm pretty much in the same boat.  Been separated since late July and haven't had much real contact since the winter holidays.  It's easy to say that I'm done when we don't communicate...but what if that changed?  I still have no idea how I'd respond other than to mention counseling and getting help.

The good news is if I got screamed at, I'd just hang up or walk away.  Not doing that anymore.

[OKrunch]

Yea Pook, I think that's one of the first breaking points. I did that yesterday. Didn't pick up the phone that I knew would just be screaming and accusatory bile. Didn't rise to bait in texts. She was angry that she got called out on a failed responsibility.

I know I'm not strong enough to say now if she was being nice and invited me over, if only to see my damn dogs, but the second i catch fury or an obvious attempt to fight, I'm nope-ing the hell out promptly.

[yellowbutterfly]

NO CONTACT is the best thing that ever happened to me. I choose not to respond if there are any attempts to reach out.

"exiting the theme park" as well here. AMAZING line

[OKrunch]

The NOT responding is the main focus for me right now.
I have conquered my need to reach out. That is behind me, but I am almost certain I will have check ins and maybe even spontaneous visits from her.
I know I would still be weak to an attempt by her of this nature, its still too fresh, and she knows I miss her, her daughter, our dogs, etc. She knows me very well, and is a very smart woman.

I still seem to be fixating on dates, patterns, and cycles, which is where my entire journey here on BPD Family began.
Has anyone else experienced an annual pattern like this before?

I know shes almost always depressed and easily triggered during winter.
She pushes people away in late summer early fall (almost in preparation for the above?)
She seems to work in this way.
January - March - Very stressed, depressed and super easily triggered.
April - May - Mood stabilizes, she begins feeling better and takes care of herself better. Is far less negative, but cautious.
June - August - "Dr. Jekyll" in full effect. She is "Normal" during this time of year. Since i Have known her, she has been the woman I "know" and love during this time of year.
September - November - Here, Mr. Eddie Hyde begins to show his face, and her downward turn towards depression, stress anger and paranoia begins again.
December - Usually tries to power through, tries enjoy Christmas and then just dissolves.

Soon, hopefully, I'll be in a place where I don't waste my time thinking about stuff like this,
but knowing these patterns will help with being on my guard to keep myself from being hurt again.

Just kind of getting my thoughts out of my head and into binary code as a mode of catharsis.

[Rev]

NO CONTACT is the best thing that ever happened to me. I choose not to respond if there are any attempts to reach out.

"exiting the theme park" as well here. AMAZING line

Agreed!

Dude - You did awesome.  Welcome to your new thread - aka your new life.

Rev

[OKrunch]

And the waves roll in.
I miss Dr Jekyll.
I wish SO DAMN MUCH she could just be that, be happy, and not stressed.

I hate having to stay angry at her.
When she is not dysregulating she really is a badass. I miss my valkyrie.

[Pook075]

And the waves roll in.
I miss Dr Jekyll.
I wish SO DAMN MUCH she could just be that, be happy, and not stressed.

I hate having to stay angry at her.
When she is not dysregulating she really is a badass. I miss my valkyrie.

I didn't get angry until late in the 3rd month of NC, and once I got there I didn't see any way past hating her for the rest of my life.  But like everything else, that will pass as you accept that she's mentally ill and not doing this to intentionally hurt you.  

The next realization for me (after the anger and acceptance) was that I am better off without her, without all the chaos and confusion in my life.  Sure, there's stuff I miss doing together, but I could do that stuff with almost anyone.  So I'm focused on rebuilding me and finding my passions.  I imagine that you're not too far off from doing that yourself.

I still have days where I wish the same thing- why can't she just hit a reset button and be the loving wife I once had?  The answer is that she's just not that person anymore, she's become consumed with decades of anger and regret.  I thought I'd enjoy watching her burn bridges with others since it proved I was right about her, but mostly it's just sad to me now.  I hope someday she gets treatment and finds true love again.

[OKrunch]

The next realization for me (after the anger and acceptance) was that I am better off without her, without all the chaos and confusion in my life.  Sure, there's stuff I miss doing together, but I could do that stuff with almost anyone.  So I'm focused on rebuilding me and finding my passions.  I imagine that you're not too far off from doing that yourself.

I too think this is around the corner for me Pook. Right now, it sucks to admit and part of me dreads it, but I know its the next step, and the shift in MY attitude, emotions and outlook of late certainly seems to indicate this next step isn't far off.
The waves certainly aren't what they used to be. They used to bowl me over and smash me against the rocks, now, they're thigh high at best and can stumble my footing a bit at their strongest.
Tide is going out.

[Pook075]

I too think this is around the corner for me Pook. Right now, it sucks to admit and part of me dreads it, but I know its the next step, and the shift in MY attitude, emotions and outlook of late certainly seems to indicate this next step isn't far off.
The waves certainly aren't what they used to be. They used to bowl me over and smash me against the rocks, now, they're thigh high at best and can stumble my footing a bit at their strongest.
Tide is going out.

You'll get there in your own time, there's no blueprint or timetable for healing.  But the more you accept that this was outside your control, the more you'll accept that it's time to move on and find your own joy again.

I'm rooting for you!

[tina7868]

Hey OKrunch!

Just wanted to say that I'm rooting for you too

[Red5]

(pook075 wrote)
"I am better off without her, without all the chaos and confusion in my life"

Yes, ... the peace and the quiet, ... the cessation of any further drama, trauma, and chaos is absolutely soul healing, ... the constant; heightened state of (amygdala/hippocampus) emotional response (constant) when she was here, ... that stress is extremely destructive to not only your emotional/mental health, but also your physical health as well (concurrently), ... lady on radio said one time, ... "if you stay in one of these relationships long-term, then be sure to sign yourself up for hypertension - stroke - heart attack" ...

Good luck OKrunch!

Red5

[Pook075]

lady on radio said one time, ... "if you stay in one of these relationships long-term, then be sure to sign yourself up for hypertension - stroke - heart attack"

I checked two of the three boxes in my early 40's (hypertension, heart attack).  Our bodies aren't meant to carry around incredible levels of stress day in/day out.  I was self-employed and working myself to the bone with zero support at home; that's no way to live life.  It literally almost killed me.

[OKrunch]

Ive been going over old posts here about people getting temp checks from their ex's, the topic of recycles and whatnot.

I am FLABBERGHASTED at how many direct quotes from other's BPDex's on here are VERBATIM things she has said to me,
Mostly when we reconciled back in August of 21.
"I know you probably don't want to hear from me but..." was one that stuck out a lot, as i saw it more than once here, and i've heard it more than once from her.

Im so glad to have such a good archive of others experiences to help me stay knowledgeable about what to look for.
I wish I had looked into this type of info on here before. It's making me see the disorder more than I ever have before, in real time, life examples of my own experience, which I though was so unique and clearly is NOT.

I will be keeping a mental notepad of these things so i recognize them when they happen. Not if, because I know she will try eventually. Probably somewhat soon. If past history is any indictor, which it seems to be, I don't think it'll go past late May before I get some sort of check in attempt. I know if it was done the right way, right now, I wouldn't be able to say no to certain things. Seeing the dogs, and intimacy being chief among them. I'll be the first to admit my known weaknesses.

Any common signs to look for ? things to be specifically aware of ?

[OKrunch]

I checked two of the three boxes in my early 40's (hypertension, heart attack).  Our bodies aren't meant to carry around incredible levels of stress day in/day out.  I was self-employed and working myself to the bone with zero support at home; that's no way to live life.  It literally almost killed me.

I've definitely noticed my constantly accelerated heart rate has gone back to mostly normal in the last few weeks. No more all day palm sweating either.
My sleep suffered most, and first, but that recovered a while ago,

[Rev]

.

Any common signs to look for ? things to be specifically aware of ?

That's a great question and I am sure each of us has different things to go through.  So I won't flood you and talk to you about the most common one.

I too experienced an really early calm and spent a fair bit of suppressing anger to make sure I could get my divorce signed.

About six months in I started to ruminate. I was really tough because the ruminations led me to some places that were not so kind - is in no self compassion.

I realized something through them - ruminations are the way that I was finding closure to so many questions that for obvious reasons, I was not going to get the answers from my ex.  So I needed to give them to myself.

The moral of the story - trust your own version of history and be kind to yourself when you speak to yourself. Eventually I stopped second guessing myself.

A bonus - healing takes its own time. Let things run the course they need to run.

Really happy that you have found your way here.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Couscous]

I have heard that it takes 90 days of no contact to break the trauma bond. I noticed a real shift in myself when I crossed the 90 day mark. Maybe you could start crossing off the days on a calendar to help motivate you to stay the course?

[OKrunch]

I have heard that it takes 90 days of no contact to break the trauma bond. I noticed a real shift in myself when I crossed the 90 day mark. Maybe you could start crossing off the days on a calendar to help motivate you to stay the course?

Way ahead of you ! (5 days in fact!)
Ive been keeping a journal for about 2 months now, and the main focus of it lately has shifted to tracking No Contact and my own healing and improvements.

Possible end to my "homelessness" is very close.

[Couscous]

I know shes almost always depressed and easily triggered during winter.
She pushes people away in late summer early fall (almost in preparation for the above?)
She seems to work in this way.
January - March - Very stressed, depressed and super easily triggered.
April - May - Mood stabilizes, she begins feeling better and takes care of herself better. Is far less negative, but cautious.
June - August - "Dr. Jekyll" in full effect. She is "Normal" during this time of year. Since i Have known her, she has been the woman I "know" and love during this time of year.
September - November - Here, Mr. Eddie Hyde begins to show his face, and her downward turn towards depression, stress anger and paranoia begins again.
December - Usually tries to power through, tries enjoy Christmas and then just dissolves.

This looks like Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to me. 41-83% (depending on the study) of pwBPD also have major depressive disorder, of which SAD is a subtype. 

[OKrunch]

That tracks, her childhood trauma is very well known to me. It was extensive, I know the BPD tendencies are just one of the many things she has to contend with in her own head. I do not envy her of that.

[OKrunch]

I really hope she does what she needs to, helps herself and her daughter. She was approaching something resembling healing and then the pre-teen parent stressors got her.

I do still believe she can one day manage her disorders, she WAS doing better.

It is still so hard, mostly at night, to let go of the visions of the future together I had
Our kids LOVED each other as soon as they met, that part, and the dogs, makes it all the harder.

Just dumping my thoughts here instead of getting tempted to reach out, or look at anything i shouldn't online.

Hopefully dwelling on the what where why how and when of a "temp check" or "reach out" will occur, will fade sooner now that ive got my head screwed on right.
'Im in an odd place.
I still miss her, want her, etc, but i feel like i finally SEE the disorder, the similarities to others stories here, he repeated behaviors, etc.
Im still hopeful for her improvement, and lament heavily the loss of who i thought would be my wife.
Conversely, Im not experiencing the anxiety i was, I've stood up for myself while remaining polite.
I no longer really care if she's seeing someone else, Im enjoying doing so myself. its been refreshing, and im not taking it too seriously.
Im finally going to be moving, ill get my custody back to 50/50.
Spring is going to be good.

[Couscous]

I thought this was very interesting:

Many experts have noticed that depression often presents differently in patients with BPD than in those without. In other words, the quality of depression seems to be different in BPD. For example, whereas depression is typically associated with feelings of sadness or guilt, depression in BPD has been described as being associated with feelings of anger, deep shame (i.e., feeling emotionally like a bad or evil person)

https://www.verywellmind.com/bpd-and-depression-425421

Since it is the anger and deep shame that triggers their destructive behavior it makes sense that if they are affected by the lack of sunlight during fall and winter then they would have a lot more BPD symptoms during that time of year.

[OKrunch]

We live in the northeast too, so winter is a B***h here

[Couscous]

Has she made the connection between winter and her moods?

[OKrunch]

Yes. She definitely knows about it, has even mentioned wanting to live in warmer climates.
She's very aware she has CPTSD and BPD traits too.

[Couscous]

Yes. She definitely knows about it, has even mentioned wanting to live in warmer climates.
She's very aware she has CPTSD and BPD traits too.

Oh, well then the ball is in her court. There are a lot of resources out there that she could avail herself of, but perhaps she hasn’t yet “hit bottom”, so to speak. Which really is too bad because BPD is supposedly quite amenable to treatment and often goes into remission.

I wish you all the best in your quest to fully exit the theme park.

[OKrunch]

Oh, well then the ball is in her court. There are a lot of resources out there that she could avail herself of, but perhaps she hasn’t yet “hit bottom”, so to speak. Which really is too bad because BPD is supposedly quite amenable to treatment and often goes into remission.

I wish you all the best in your quest to fully exit the theme park.

This is part of whats hard in detaching right now.
I believe in her ability to do the work, shes incredibly smart and dedicated when she is regulated and on task.
She IS a caring person, I saw that plenty in her parenting, which included my son.
She eventually pushed him away too, but when she was regulated, she was good.
If she can really get a handle on that sometime in the next few years, id find it hard not to have a rational conversation about how we could navigate.
But there's so much damage too, so much that would have to precede this.
Consistency (like, over a LONG period of time), therapy, time, space etc.
It's not something I hope for anymore, but I do still think it is possible.

[tina7868]

This is part of whats hard in detaching right now.
I believe in her ability to do the work, shes incredibly smart and dedicated when she is regulated and on task.
She IS a caring person, I saw that plenty in her parenting, which included my son.
She eventually pushed him away too, but when she was regulated, she was good.
If she can really get a handle on that sometime in the next few years, id find it hard not to have a rational conversation about how we could navigate.
But there's so much damage too, so much that would have to precede this.
Consistency (like, over a LONG period of time), therapy, time, space etc.
It's not something I hope for anymore, but I do still think it is possible. 

There is a sense of balance in these sentences. You express difficulty in detaching, and then remind yourself that there was a lot of damage that occured (so it's not a complete loss).

She is on her own path. Letting her be, being clear on what you would accept from a relationship with her, and focusing on yourself sound like a winning combination. 

[OKrunch]

Tina,
Thank you. The past week has felt like the most clear headed ive been in recolectable memory.
I wish I could say im totally over it, and 100% sure on my ability to say no, set boundaries and whatnot if she were to reach out.
Not yet, but ill get there. There is no use in lying to myself or any of you, it would only stifle my progress.
Ill get there eventually.
I have read some horror stories here, of people that had ex's that did irredeemably horrid things.
She isn't that, but she has done some awfuly hurtful things to me, and I her, but I do honestly believe she can eventually properly manage her triggers and reactions.
In the 4 years I've known her, I've seen her make lots of progress.
She happens to be in a bit of a rut of late, but she has survived A LOT, and will survive this.
Same with me, I have lost far worse than this before. I have skirted the line of homelessness before.
Ive recovered before, and am already well on track to do so again. Both Mentally/Emotionally as well as residentially and financially.
Hopefully someday soon my "intuitive link" will fade and die too. It was once a boon, and is now a distraction
I'm just happy we have nothing left to fight about.
If she finds things to fight about, I have nothing left to fight back about, so I'd ignore that.

[OKrunch]

Man it really does come in waves. It's amazing how you can switch back and forth between being angry and hurt and affronted, to going back to missing them, over analyzing the things that you've said,  and coming up with every what if and if I had in the world.



Although it is outlined on my other post in the fixing Forum, last week I had to reach out to her about money that she owes me, which my therapist and I had very much predicted would turn volatile. It most certainly did. It may have been bad timing, I know she has a lot of parenting and work stress going on right now. Every time I reached out it's been extremely polite and not in the least way accusatory or hostile.  After all up until about a week ago I was still hoping to fix things.

A couple of days after she blew up about me asking about the money that was 2 months late in being repaid,  I had messaged her this past Sunday morning. All I asked was how she was doing and how her daughter was doing. Her daughter has been going through a hard time lately, and I love her daughter very much so I've been concerned.

She immediately started yelling at me about how she's going to pay me the money and to stop harassing her about it. I literally didn't say anything about the money. We ended up getting into a big verbal fight over the phone, She brought up money (that she had told me was forgiven and not to worry about, ages ago) from when she kicked me out the FIRST TIME, because I also had been laid of a few weeks prior then. She hasn't mentioned this money in almost 2 years. It was discussed in August of 2021, and never mentioned again.  and venomous statements were exchanged. She brought up money (that she had told me was forgiven and not to worry about, ages ago) from when she kicked me out the FIRST TIME, because I also had been laid of a few weeks prior then. She hasn't mentioned this money in almost 2 years. It was discussed in August of 2021, and never mentioned again.



Early Monday morning I sent the following message:
"I was just trying to see how you were doing yesterday, to have a normal conversation. That is all.

I had no intention of, or interest in discussing money.
You brought that up. Quite abruptly.
I'm sorry you were having an unpleasant day otherwise, but money is not what I care about and not what I was reaching out about and we both know it.
It hurts to continue to hear that you think I ever had a motive to be with you besides having wanted to love you.
I had a home and job before I met you, I'll have a home and a job when you're just somebody I used to know.
I do not need you to provide for me.
I don't use people that way, and never would. Plain and simple.

I never desire to fight with you.
I won't be in touch. You've made yourself abundantly clear there.
I've approached you with calm and care and I've been met with cruelty or cold rejection enough times. Point taken.

I didn't pay 1100 in backed bills when I left in 2020, because I had no job at the time.
I gave you $200 on Feb 12th.
So, that makes it 900 I owe you.

The 2 assistance repayments you said you'd send me equal 1600 total.
Subtract the 900 I owe you from that $1600, and we get $700 that you would send me.
Then we'd be completely square.
Scales balanced.

Be well. I go in peace."

now we come to the reason that I mentioned all of this.

Over the last few days I have been fine, but somehow today, I randomly began very much stressing over whether or not she received the above message. During our fighting and argument on Sunday she had mentioned "Going back to blocked mode"
which I kind of laughed about at the time because she used it like a threat. She knows it has bothered me in the past and was using it in a manipulative way.
And yet, here I am worrying whether or not she actually received my message that I sent on Monday morning.
I just stopped myself from calling and hanging up. Because I know if I call and it rings I'm not blocked. I shouldn't care about that crap anymore and I came to post here instead.
Just journaling and keeping myself honest with myself.