Crossing the Line - Exiting the Theme Park Entirely

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I just shot out of sleep, and I woke up so goddamn angry. I normally never wake up this early in the morning. And the rage is palpable,
I fell asleep last night after doing a meditation, which had me feeling very relaxed.

And then I wake up feeling like I can throat punch the entire world?
Wtf?

[OKrunch]

I just shot out of sleep, and I woke up so goddamn angry. I normally never wake up this early in the morning. And the rage is palpable,
I fell asleep last night after doing a meditation, which had me feeling very relaxed.

And then I wake up feeling like I can throat punch the entire world?
Wtf?

[OKrunch]

Wave of rage has passed.
Feeling mournful now.

Memories feel like they're of something dead, not ripped away.
More a statue than a photograph.
Scars forming under the scabs I suppose.

Nice sunrise this morning, spring songbirds are returning.

Coffee is good.

[cranmango]

Anger is part of the detachment process. It will hit you in waves.

Savor the sunrise, songbirds, and coffee.

One foot forward.

[Red5]

cranmango wrote:
Savor the sunrise, songbirds, and coffee

Great advice, ...

*Live in the present moment, the 'here & now'.
*..."count your many blessings, name them one by one"...
*Do not let the past, predict your future...

Savor : )

Red5

[OKrunch]

feeling much better now.
Had a good T appointment.

Sun is out, and strong. Snow is melting.

[tina7868]

feeling much better now.
Had a good T appointment.

Sun is out, and strong. Snow is melting.

Glad to hear you're feeling better

The feeling of spring in the air is really something that brings lightness.

[Couscous]

I just shot out of sleep, and I woke up so goddamn angry. I normally never wake up this early in the morning. And the rage is palpable,
I fell asleep last night after doing a meditation, which had me feeling very relaxed.

And then I wake up feeling like I can throat punch the entire world?
Wtf?

I wonder if the concept of Unconditional Life Acceptance may be of some use here.

Ultimately, you may have some control as to how things pan out in life; however, you will be more at peace once you give up the belief that you must have total control of the universe and insist that things should be a certain way. If you are able to change your thoughts about an event, you can change your world. Although this cannot guarantee pain and suffering vanish, it might just be more bearable.

https://albertellis.org/2014/09/unconditional-life-acceptance-shannon-oneill-m/

[OKrunch]

I have said before in other posts that understanding a thing is truly a key to me being able to get past it. Although the behaviors are not understandable or predictable and they never will be,  the common Behavior patterns that we all share in our stories are certainly quite telling.



Well I know I should be focusing more on my own things, work is slow right now and unfortunately gives me a lot of time to think. Probably a lot more than I need.



But you begin to connect the dots, the childhood drama, the way that children use triangulation in comparison to the way that borderlines do. The only difference being permission for a sleepover from mom and dad as a kid, versus attention from a romantic partner or two.  I always wondered why she continued to talking to her monstrous abusive mother throughout life, fear of Abandonment. Plain and simple.

I have been getting a lot of value out of going over the behavior Library here on the website. Every single one of the classic behaviors, you can link to experiences that you've had with your ex.

I have been trying to identify any of these behaviors that I have as well, and  I am sure, like many of us here, I tend to be a caretaking anxious type.

I definitely have a fear of Abandonment, it just doesn't come from my childhood.

I have had three relationships in my life that lasted over 5 years.

One was late high school and into college Years, not a great relationship. Kind of a spoiled brat complex there. Cheated on me for years.

The second was with my ex-wife.  Consistent cheater, very immature.

And then my recent ex, who is the only one who  I honestly do not believe ever actually cheated on me. The emotional cheating and setting up something to Land once I was gone? Yes definitely.

The moral of the story is, I have always been left in a hurtful Way by Every Woman I have ever loved. This complex is only gotten worse throughout the years, so definitely something I'm aware of and working on with my therapist.



The woman I've been hanging out with lately has not texted me back since Friday. I messaged her yesterday, and haven't heard anything. The old me would have probably messaged her about five times by now.

If I don't hear from her, I don't hear from her. And I feel fine about that which is good.

I joked with my sister-in-law yesterday that it doesn't bother me cuz I don't have a trauma bond with this one .



Anyway long story short, understanding the psychology of all of this has definitely been a great help as I knew it would be.



Spidey sense was tingling pretty strong earlier today, I've been in a great mood all day so I don't know what's going on in the other end of the Ethereal rope but I'm trying to ignore it.



Warmest day of the year so far, WIN.

[Couscous]

I think what trips most of us up are their Dark Triad/Tetrad traits. Being preyed upon is quite unsettling for the vast majority of us, and somewhat traumatizing.

[OKrunch]

Welp,
Today is 6 months since she kicked me out. 6 months since i put my son on the school bus with both of us completley unaware he would never see the inside of his home, his dogs, or his stepsister EVER AGAIN.

In those six months, ive had a quick recycle, and there has already been a replacement of the replacement.
Her winter madness persists, and last we spoke she reacted quite immaturely about learning i had been seeing someone else.
Which she had also been doing, but as we all know, "Rules for thee, but not for me".

I had a lengthy discussion with Therapist about this recent exchange, and the possibility of increased fear of abandonment onset (she thought I would always be around, waiting for her attention to return, according to my T). This is in contrast and combination to the narcissistic injury imposed by the things i said (finally standing up for myself, and establishing the boundary that I will not be two timed, lied to, ghosted, strung along and made second fiddle).
The next few months should prove quite liberating and healing.
In a fresh, newly resolved stint of NC.

Cognitive dissonance and remembering all the good times is still a challenge. I still believe in the firm difference between Jekyl and Hyde. They are 2 seperate people to me.
I do still have faith that she can be succsessful in therapy, but she needs to DO IT AND STICK TO IT.
Do i have faith we can ever make this work? Eh, not so much, but I want her to be happy, and HEALTHY for the later half of her life. She and her daughter deserve that, after all shes had to endure through life.

Although my anxiety still spikes, I still get "Gut Feelings" about her almost daily, and I still think about her all the damn time, I do feel like I have my power back. My ability to control my own fate, and not be jolted around like a puppet by Eddie Hyde.
I do still greatly miss Jekyll though, and my heart weeps for their loss. again.
AGAIN.
We shall smash the wheel, lest it crushes us all.

[Pook075]

Welp,
Today is 6 months since she kicked me out. 6 months since i put my son on the school bus with both of us completley unaware he would never see the inside of his home, his dogs, or his stepsister EVER AGAIN.

You're doing really well under the circumstances, so keep your head up and try not to be hard on yourself.  There will be bad days ahead, but lots of good days too.  

I hadn't posted much lately because it's my BPD daughter's birthday today.  My wife's family had her over for dinner a few days ago and that messed me up pretty good; the wife even called me for something random just to remind me of the birthday and that they were all together.  In my defense, I had a root canal that day as well so I was entitled to pout, LOL. Don't think she did it to be mean but it still stung- like you miss the dogs, I miss my mother in law, brothers in law, nieces, etc.  Strangely, I don't miss my BPD wife that much (although there are definitely still moments).

Anyway, taking my daughter out for her birthday tonight and we'll do something fun.  I had my "bad day" and let it go already, so I'm looking forward to tonight.  Maybe we'll do a Dave & Busters or something like that since she's 24.

[cranmango]

You’ve come a long way in six months. And six months from now, you’ll be even farther down along your path.

My timeline is similar to yours. Yesterday was a good day here, I felt peaceful, hopeful, and curious about where life will take me next. I still have hard moments, but I’m noting those peaceful moments when the come and am grateful.

On my hard days, I focus on my daughter. She’s happy and she’s safe. I’ve protected her through all these storms. And will continue to do so.

Keep moving forward. Keep taking care of yourself, and your son.

[Go3737]

I went to STBXW home to help with her computer and banking. The computer was easy, a loose wire.
The banking?
Me: "Well.. you have two ways of paying bills, with credit card and you get points or through your bank account."
Her: "Stop bullying me. Now I remember why I hate you. Get the f- out of my home"
She followed up with a night of a wall of hostile and nasty texts... then called the next morning to apologize. I am sick and tired of getting beaten down then an apology.

... Mediation is this Friday. I can't wait to be done with this nonsense.

[OKrunch]

I went to STBXW home to help with her computer and banking. The computer was easy, a loose wire.
The banking?
Me: "Well.. you have two ways of paying bills, with credit card and you get points or through your bank account."
Her: "Stop bullying me. Now I remember why I hate you. Get the f- out of my home"
She followed up with a night of a wall of hostile and nasty texts... then called the next morning to apologize. I am sick and tired of getting beaten down then an apology.

... Mediation is this Friday. I can't wait to be done with this nonsense.

Wait...you're getting apologies? nobody told me we would get apologies? (Sarcasm)

Joking aside, I have similar memories. The two of us trying to fix the gas dryer, her hovering over me telling me what to do even though we both had no clue and were following a youtube video. That ended in her increased berating on how to do it until I told her to please go downstairs, which ruined the rest of the weekend, naturally.
And, as it happens, I don't recall an apology.
Just moved past it like always.

[Pook075]

Me: "Well.. you have two ways of paying bills, with credit card and you get points or through your bank account."
Her: "Stop bullying me. Now I remember why I hate you. Get the f- out of my home"

I'm sorry that happened and I'm sure it really stung in the moment, but that's the funniest thing I've seen all day today.  Sometimes you have to just laugh over the absurdity of it all...

My favorite is when my wife told me she had feelings for another guy and wanted to pursue those feelings...but to keep it secret.  I called her the next day and told her that's not a 'secret' you can ask your husband to keep.

Her response- "You're lying, I never said that.  And besides, I told you that in confidence."

Every time that came up over the next few months, she said that exact same line and couldn't process why that wasn't an acceptable answer.  I think it's funny now.

[OKrunch]

Lots of "it's the disorder, not HER" type of thoughts today.
and, I do believe that, but the disorder is what makes her currently un-relationshipable (not that its even an option right now)
But theres still that part of my brain that wants her to run into my arms so i can tell her I will make everything alright, but thats fairy tale stuff.

I found myself thinking of a timeframe after which i could check in, because I'm legit concerned for her and her daughter.
Then I realized how counter productive that is.

Even if BPD were not even a factor here, the simple truth is this,
She left me, in a painful and hurtful way.
If anything were to happen, my self respect would demand she be the one to come to me and make ammends.
thats that's not considering BPD as a factor, which it most certainly, quite obviously effing IS.

"In my own simple way
I think she wants me only
She said, "Come over right away"
But she's just not that way
Her little soul is stolen
See her put on her brand new face

Go on and pull the shades
Razor blades
You're so tragic
Go on, I hate you so
But love you more
I'm so elastic
Of all the things you say
The games you play
Dirty magic stuff

I should know better than to think I'd reach inside her
It's all a cloudy kind of daze
She's not so sweet today
She mocks me, I'm no fighter
It all just seems like such a waste"
"Dirty Magic" - By: The Offspring

[Couscous]

Today is 6 months since she kicked me out. 6 months since i put my son on the school bus with both of us completley unaware he would never see the inside of his home, his dogs, or his stepsister EVER AGAIN.

This is all really quite shocking. It was actually a violation of the rights of both you and your son. It demonstrates a profound absence of empathy and a high level of callousness on her part, behavior which is inconsistent with BPD. I’m really sorry that you and your son experienced this.

Has your T ever considered the possibility that she has NPD instead of or in addition to BPD? NPD and BPD frequently occur together.

[OKrunch]

This is all really quite shocking. It was actually a violation of the rights of both you and your son. It demonstrates a profound absence of empathy and a high level of callousness on her part, behavior which is inconsistent with BPD. I’m really sorry that you and your son experienced this.

Has your T ever considered the possibility that she has NPD instead of or in addition to BPD? NPD and BPD frequently occur together.

Yes we've discussed it. My therapist is a specialist in both, and my ex doesn't exhibit NPD symptoms. I agree this is example grossly lacks empathy, but it's part of her splitting behavior. We discussed this at length, my ex's sister on the other hand, wildly NPD.
They both experienced the same abuse, but sister was a golden child, ex a scapegoat and also had to act as mother to the younger brother. Her sister is very typical of the vindictive, all attention must be one me, arrogant NPD example.

My ex has also been professionally diagnosed BPD by 2x Drs. One of whom's opinion I very much trust.

[OKrunch]

As is to be expected I can't get my mind off of the last conversation I had with her.

I never have called her out on all of her crap in one conversation like that before. I also fully expect that she thought that I was going to be waiting around for her ringing my hands hoping for another chance. Telling her I was seeing someone else was definitely something she was not expecting.

I seem to be ruminating over the fact that I can't figure out which is going to cause what reaction. I know I shouldn't care about the reactions but I need to know about recycle attempts while I'm still weak to them.

What will be stronger? The fear of abandonment knowing that I'm seeing someone else which is not something she was expecting me to do because I've told her a million times in the past that I would wait forever for her and that she's the only person that I want. Or will the anger and shame inflicted by the tirade of things she's done wrong to me make her never speak to me again? The longest she's ever gone without speaking to me is 6 weeks. She was very smug in her tone of voice when she was asking me if I would be okay communicating with her if she was seeing anyone. It was a blatant triangulation attempt. I wish I had seen it for what it was in the immediate moment.

Being completely open and honest with you all, mornings are the hardest for me, and I woke up trying to justify a reason to reach out. I have since pulled my head out of my butt and know that that's not a good idea. This addictive desire for continued contact really baffles me. Obviously I miss her obviously I still have a lot of feelings for her, but it is become so clear to me how many things she did that were just horribly wrong to me. Everyday I'm amazed by the power of cognitive dissonance.

Lastly I look forward to the day that all of the positive memories do not flip through my head like a slideshow on a constant basis. Our road trips, family vacations, the dogs, our house which I love, so many things. Not to mention 8 million incredible moments together. I look forward to the day that I have to actively drum these memories up if I want to, and they don't show up on their own

[Rev]

Hey Crunch,

Those pesky ruminations --- not fun by times.

One thing that eventually helped me accept them was to understand that the only closure that I would ever get from the relationship to my ex was the closure that I was going to give myself.

It helped me accept the ruminations as a "necessary evil" if you will.

Hopefully you can make use of that little insight in some way.  I know that Dr. Ramani has some YouTube videos on rumination that I also found helpful.  As a general rule, I'm not a big pop-psychology person but I found her to be pretty good for this topic.
  
Hang in there!

Rev

[OKrunch]

RUmination is definitley part of it.
I spend a lot of time combating the old "What if's".

The other part is the "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling.
If I could somehow know, that she will never reach out or talk to me again, I could be sure of my path forward.

Its not knowing how, when and why she will reach out again, and how I will handle it depending on what form it takes is hard to not think on often.

Part of me wants to avoid this, and yet another part of me is still hoping it will happen.

Time, as with all things, will solve this.

I used to feel the same way about my exwife in the wake of my divorce, and now im completley indifferent with her. 
Itll happen eventually.

[OKrunch]

I messed up.
I sent a message.
I asked about her daughters appointment on Tuesday, thats it.

I feel like an ass, but Im legit concerened for her daughter. It just makes me remember how easily she cut my son out of her life though.

Maybe ill get lucky and Im blocke right now, and she wont see that i sent it.

Damn rainy days...

[Rev]

I messed up.
I sent a message.
I asked about her daughters appointment on Tuesday, thats it.

I feel like an ass, but Im legit concerened for her daughter. It just makes me remember how easily she cut my son out of her life though.

Maybe ill get lucky and Im blocke right now, and she wont see that i sent it.

Damn rainy days...

Forgive yourself - relapse is recovery.  We have all done it.

Hang in there.

Rev

[SinisterComplex]

I messed up.
I sent a message.
I asked about her daughters appointment on Tuesday, thats it.

I feel like an ass, but Im legit concerened for her daughter. It just makes me remember how easily she cut my son out of her life though.

Maybe ill get lucky and Im blocke right now, and she wont see that i sent it.

Damn rainy days...

So my friend laugh it off. Why? You're human and you did what most of us have done...predictably made a mistake because emotions...

It's ok. As Rev said...forgive yourself. S happens amigo. You will probably make other mistakes along the way. Don't judge yourself though...it just makes you human. You are not a robot. Just strive to learn and grow. Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Pook075]

I messed up.
I sent a message.
I asked about her daughters appointment on Tuesday, thats it.

I feel like an ass, but Im legit concerened for her daughter. It just makes me remember how easily she cut my son out of her life though.

Maybe ill get lucky and Im blocke right now, and she wont see that i sent it.

Damn rainy days...

Personally, I don't see it as a mistake.  You did nothing wrong and there's no law that says she's the only one allowed to reach out.  If you want to know how her kid is doing, ask how her kid is doing.

She'll either answer or she won't- which is fine either way.

[OKrunch]

Thanks for all the encouragement guys.

I guess I just worry since i texted asking about D11, that shes going to see it as "Oh hes still interested, finding any reason he can to reach out...he still wants me...ego satisified."

When in reality I just don't want my little lady to suffer at all (not MY little lady, but i still view her that way. I accepted her as my daughter. that isnt something i can give up on. Shes innocent)

[Pook075]

What will be stronger? The fear of abandonment knowing that I'm seeing someone else which is not something she was expecting me to do because I've told her a million times in the past that I would wait forever for her and that she's the only person that I want. Or will the anger and shame inflicted by the tirade of things she's done wrong to me make her never speak to me again? The longest she's ever gone without speaking to me is 6 weeks. She was very smug in her tone of voice when she was asking me if I would be okay communicating with her if she was seeing anyone. It was a blatant triangulation attempt. I wish I had seen it for what it was in the immediate moment.

You're asking questions that can't be answered, and you're also reading deep into her motivations like there's a clear cut answer here.

Think of your ex as a 5 year old.  You ask a question, the 5 year old says the first thing that comes to mind.  Do you get upset if you ask about love and the child responds about wanting to watch Blue's Clues?  No.  Because children are going to say and do whatever they're thinking about in the moment, there's no complex planning beforehand.  Your ex probably was trying to push a button with that comment, but you can't dig deep and try to find reasoning.  The reason is that she has BPD and there is no reasoning.

Or, different approach.  Think of your ex as a jaguar.  You see it in your backyard and it stands very still, just looking at you.  Fear is what you should be feeling, fight or flight, but the big cat isn't doing anything so it's easy to be lulled into thinking it's not a dangerous situation.  It's not even tensed up or anything, so maybe it's someone's pet...a friendly cat.  Do you go try to pet it?  Of course not, because you know its a freakin' alpha predator.  Your ex has shown the same traits at the end of the relationship- stop trying to pet the predator!  Eventually you will get eaten.

[Couscous]

Have you explored with your T that you might be engaging in the repetition compulsion?

I thought this was pretty good at explaining this phenomenon: https://seattlecommunitycare.com/freuds-masterpiece-the-repetition-compulsion/

[OKrunch]

Have you explored with your T that you might be engaging in the repetition compulsion?

I thought this was pretty good at explaining this phenomenon: https://seattlecommunitycare.com/freuds-masterpiece-the-repetition-compulsion/

Yes, I have. My T knows what topics need bringing up, thank you.

[OKrunch]

Unsurprisingly, no response.
I'm glad I'm not brought low by not hearing back, like I used to.
I could speculate why she didn't respond, but we all know there's no point in doing that.
Probably just content with replacement for now.

Just forgetting I did it and moving forward.