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Author Topic: How Long Until Feelings are Gone?  (Read 709 times)
Pook075
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« on: March 04, 2023, 02:19:41 PM »

I'm just curious how long it's taken others to be 100% over their ex's.  For me, it's been 7 months and I felt like I was 100% over her, and then I saw a Facebook post from her last night and felt all kinds of unexpected emotions.  Anger, sadness, jealousy...it just kind of shocked me since I thought I was over that by now.  I guess the NC kind of put me in a false sense of security.
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« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2023, 03:15:57 PM »

I’m 1 year out of my relationship, went complete nc ever since but still when I see her my heart sinks abit and a do still think about her daily, any relationship I’ve had before I’d be completely over it by now, but with bpds it’s complete different after all your we’re probably trauma bonded like me, takes atleast double the time as loads of others have said, hope this helps
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« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2023, 03:55:21 PM »

youve been married for 24 years.

i would be surprised if feelings would be gone at seven months.

of course, it depends on what feelings we are talking about. ideally, one day in the distant future, the only feelings will be positive. obviously, they dont have to be; i dont really have any nostalgia for my relationship at this point. i have some important memories i can smile about, but they arent really about "her".

if we are talking about triggers (as this sounds like), or longing, or sadness, or anger, or...anything that might be associated as negative, theres really no telling other than to say that they should ultimately become fewer and further between. it is possible that those feelings will never leave you entirely, because of the close relationship you had, over such a long period of time. it is also possible that they will.

which way that goes generally depends on how you approach detaching. attachment leads to suffering. detaching leads to freedom.

no contact is, as you say, something of a false sense of security, because it is a tool for detaching, but it isnt detachment in and of itself. it buys space to get the person out of your head, and your daily life. it buys time, which makes the pain less acute. but in and of itself, it does not lead to the point where you can think of the person without being affected.

my answer is that it took me about a year to be over the pain of the loss, and to generally not be negatively affected by thoughts of my ex.

my question is what it would look like to you to be 100% over her as you say. is the goal to feel indifference? to feel nothing? to feel good?
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« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2023, 04:21:20 PM »

I'm just curious how long it's taken others to be 100% over their ex's.  For me, it's been 7 months and I felt like I was 100% over her, and then I saw a Facebook post from her last night and felt all kinds of unexpected emotions.  Anger, sadness, jealousy...it just kind of shocked me since I thought I was over that by now.  I guess the NC kind of put me in a false sense of security.

I have the “privilege” of having endured 3 different BPD breakups.  

BPD  #1: We were together about 4 months and it took me 2 full years to get over her, but I did not go NC and we kept hooking up for a full year after the. breakup.  This was a savage breakup because she left me to go back to her ex and I’m pretty sure she cheated on me with him before she left, then she cheated on him with me after that as well as cheating on her next target too.  Once we finally went NC I was 100% over her within about 6-12 months.

BPD #2: This was the hardest breakup of my entire life because of how suddenly the discard happened, over 1 stupid fight about nothing. We were also only together about 2 months but were still in the love bombing-devaluation phase when she suddenly painted me black.  I went from love-of-her-life to i-never-want-to-speak-to-you-again all in one terrible day.  It was one of the most shocking experiences of my life because I had no idea about borderline back then.  I’ve read that the more shocking a breakup is, the longer it tends to take to get over it.  They have actually done studies to show that.  I also didn’t have a lot of the healing tools I have now so it took me 2 full years of no contact to get to the point where I had no reaction to her.

BPD #3: We were together 8 months, she had already done a few love-bombing cycles and then I actually took the time to learn all about BPD and could see where things were headed so I broke up with her.  Also everyone who i love and trust was telling me to get out, even people who normally don’t have strong opinions about this type of thing..  I am 5 months out in no-contact and definitely doing better.  The pain was a 10/10 for the first 3 months now its maybe a 6/10.  My experience is the pain tends to remain stubbornly high at the beginning of the breakup and for several months but then it will drop off steeply, provided that you remain NC.  I also think that working on healing any codependent tendencies and traumatic memories, especially from childhood can help heal the stuff we are feeling in the present too.

I’ve been dating, actually went out on a date with another girl who had obvious BPD.  I was encouraged to see how I immediately shut down once it was obvious what I was dealing with, despite she had traffic-stopping good looks.  In the past she definitely would have gotten to me, its a relief to see that their bag of tricks seems to no longer be working.  I have actually run into several since my last breakup and each time I have cut it off — at the same time i’ve also met some healthy women so it doesn’t seem like i’m just imagining everyone has BPD.

« Last Edit: March 04, 2023, 04:28:18 PM by capecodling » Logged
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« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2023, 05:13:25 PM »

*death in the immediate family - 1 year maybe, depending on the type of relationship, mother - father… normal, or else dysfunctional relationship.

*marriage loss, death or divorce… 1-3 years?

*loss of a child, complex grief; 2-5 years.

*a trauma bond relationship, … depending on length,…. lasting 10 - 15yrs,… 20 years or longer (marriage),…. Could be a very long time,… especially if there are children from that relationship/union.

#Me,
*first marriage, 21+ years, three kids,… trauma bonded,… soul tied.
It took me about 5-6 years to recover to a point that I did not ‘trigger’ anymore.

*second marriage (separated for 4.3 years now), I have resigned myself now that she is gone for good,… but there is no closure,… I remain trauma bonded to her, FOG,… and I am definitely still soul tied to her.

The ‘Victorians’ believed that standard grievance should last 1 year, 1 day.

Grief loss usually last 1-3 years.

Complex grief loss can last up to; and sometimes beyond 5 years.

Maybe you never really completely recover from the loss of a decades long relationship (marriage),… you only learn acceptance, that it is never going to be the same, as it once was,…. due to death or divorce (abandonment).

#radical acceptance

My thoughts only.

~Red
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« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2023, 01:59:34 AM »

Dang, I feel for you pook! A bond formed over so many years would be incredibly hard to get over 100% I’d imagine. If there’s a full proof step to do that then I sure haven’t figured it out.

For me personally, I’ve found the only way for me to get over someone 100% is to fall in love with another women after some substantial time has passed. Not exactly heathy or a good strategy on my part.

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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2023, 01:21:10 PM »

my question is what it would look like to you to be 100% over her as you say. is the goal to feel indifference? to feel nothing? to feel good?

I see that you have some experience with this topic.  I am not the OP but for me, it means I have zero reactivity to seeing the person (even with someone new) or thinking about her.  For my hardest BPD breakup I have reached this point, I saw she is with someone new and my only reaction was “thank god, not my problem anymore.”  It took me 2 years to reach this point, but I think the recovery time could have been MUCH less (see below why.)  There were several other important milestones in thst recovery:

1) After 6 months of NC I started feeing happy again, like my old self.  I still thought about her a lot but my life felt like it was back to “normal” in a way.

2) Around 1 year of NC I wasn’t thinking about her as often and I was perfectly fine with the idea of never speaking with her again.

3) Around 2 years I felt zero reaction to thinking about her, even with someone new.  Then I saw her with her new guy and was not bothered.

All of this process occurred with me not knowing about BPD, not having good coping mechanisms, I made so many mistakes but the one thing I did right was maintain NC.  I think with the tools I have now the recovery time would be cut in half, or perhaps even less time, mainly because I just try to feel all the pain and not numb it like before.  In my opinion, numbing is the #1 factor that prolongs pain, and I include continued contact with a BPDex in whatever form (including checking social media) a form of numbing, because you are trying to numb out the pain of being on your own, numbing out loneliness, etc.

What do you think?
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« Reply #7 on: March 05, 2023, 02:42:44 PM »

In my opinion, numbing is the #1 factor that prolongs pain, and I include continued contact with a BPDex in whatever form (including checking social media) a form of numbing, because you are trying to numb out the pain of being on your own, numbing out loneliness, etc.

people that share a child with a bpd ex have contact. plenty of them heal all the time.

i dont think that "no contact" (which, lets face it, is often a choice made for us by the other person, or really means we simply stopped pursuing a relationship that is not available to us) should not be mistaken for, or a substitute for healing, and that whatever the goal is, its important to be clear about it.

think of an alcoholic. recovering addicts will tell you that abstinence is important, but are you no longer an alcoholic simply because you abstain from the drink? or would you suddenly be healthy and whole if the worlds supply of alcohol simply dried up tomorrow?

i dont think addiction is a perfect metaphor (our exes are not inanimate objects, and a relationship is a series of interactions), but i think there are a lot of important comparisons.

there are addicts that spend the rest of their lives, devoting it to avoid being anywhere near alcohol at any cost, years after getting clean.

and there are addicts that can be around it at say, family gatherings, or hang out with their friends at a bar, and abstain. and thrive.

having no contact (or "abstaining") gets the "addiction" out of your head, out of your day to day life, and allows you to shift your focus. while its not always possible, a period of it is usually pretty important to heal from any breakup.

at some point, i think its ideal to shift the focus from "no contact" to "detaching" and to "healing". to make the hard, heart and brain decision, that the relationship is over, not coming back, and to grieve it completely and fully. and then, to slowly but surely shift the focus to ourselves (since we are the only ones left in the equation).

i think when you do that, youll be amazed where the feelings go.
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« Reply #8 on: March 05, 2023, 05:33:52 PM »

people that share a child with a bpd ex have contact. plenty of them heal all the time.

i dont think that "no contact" (which, lets face it, is often a choice made for us by the other person, or really means we simply stopped pursuing a relationship that is not available to us) should not be mistaken for, or a substitute for healing, and that whatever the goal is, its important to be clear about it.

think of an alcoholic. recovering addicts will tell you that abstinence is important, but are you no longer an alcoholic simply because you abstain from the drink? or would you suddenly be healthy and whole if the worlds supply of alcohol simply dried up tomorrow?

i dont think addiction is a perfect metaphor (our exes are not inanimate objects, and a relationship is a series of interactions), but i think there are a lot of important comparisons.

there are addicts that spend the rest of their lives, devoting it to avoid being anywhere near alcohol at any cost, years after getting clean.

and there are addicts that can be around it at say, family gatherings, or hang out with their friends at a bar, and abstain. and thrive.

having no contact (or "abstaining") gets the "addiction" out of your head, out of your day to day life, and allows you to shift your focus. while its not always possible, a period of it is usually pretty important to heal from any breakup.

at some point, i think its ideal to shift the focus from "no contact" to "detaching" and to "healing". to make the hard, heart and brain decision, that the relationship is over, not coming back, and to grieve it completely and fully. and then, to slowly but surely shift the focus to ourselves (since we are the only ones left in the equation).

i think when you do that, youll be amazed where the feelings go.

Well I would say, all things being equal, having children and continued interaction with a BPDex places you at a disadvantage to being able to detach.  But I also agree that allowing yourself to feel the pain, processing emotions, having other coping healing tools, therapy, etc can overcome that.   And I agree, NC is not the be-all-end-all guarantee for being able to heal, its just another tool in the toolbox.  But if I could choose i’d much rather not have the entanglement of children with a BPDex.
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« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2023, 12:28:17 PM »

Excerpt
at some point, i think its ideal to shift the focus from "no contact" to "detaching" and to "healing". to make the hard, heart and brain decision, that the relationship is over, not coming back, and to grieve it completely and fully. and then, to slowly but surely shift the focus to ourselves (since we are the only ones left in the equation).

I am learning a lot from reading this post. These words particularly seem to resonate with me.
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Pook075
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« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2023, 01:38:47 PM »

my question is what it would look like to you to be 100% over her as you say. is the goal to feel indifference? to feel nothing? to feel good?

I "think" she's been in another relationship since she left, she won't admit to it, and that still makes me think of some colorful names to call her in my mind.  At the same time though, I've accepted that and wish her the best of luck destroying his life over the next few years.  In a way she's using him, a family friend that's been widowed for about a year now, to take control of his handicapped son and be his mom.  I could see her marrying him just to divorce him and try to get custody.

The last time I saw her was Christmas Eve at her parents house; we didn't speak and she mostly avoided me.  I was fine with that since I wasn't there to see her- it was more to see the rest of the family and watch all the little ones open presents.  That went fine and we exchanged maybe 2-3 sentences total, the exchanges were calm and kind.

The last time I spoke to her was about three weeks ago; she called to say a mutual friend was very sick and in trouble.  We talked for maybe 20 minutes and briefly caught up on our lives, and the conversation was 100% normal- no judgements, blame, etc.  That freaked me out afterwards and made me question if I gave up too early.  We've been back to NC ever since though.

Something that I feel kind of keeps me stuck is our 6 month old grandson- she controls my daughter as much as possible so I can't be in the grandson's life.  That infuriates me to no end and makes me hate her; I don't know how to get over that since it's still happening.  For instance, my kid was coming over last night and my wife insisted she keep the baby.  Why?  Then she backed out on them last minute, so they said they'd take the baby to my house like they originally planned.  So my wife shows up at their house 20 minutes later and insists on watching the baby after all.  I think the whole goal was to keep them from visiting me at all, even though they had to pick up some things.

My version of "getting over her" is complicated- I don't want anything to do with her, yet I want to somehow break her destructive behaviors of always being the poor victim with our kids.  My older daughter that's bipolar/BPD sees right thru it and we've become close, but she's also been discarded years ago.  It's my younger kid, her husband, and the baby that I'm fighting for since they think there's nothing wrong with my wife, that there was no affair, etc.  They're being slowly discarded too now but can't quite understand what's happening.

I'm to the point where I don't want her back, yet I have to somehow repair the relationships that she's actively destroying in my life.  Her potential lover is with the grandson often and posts on social how much he loves being the God-father; that literally boils my blood because my wife is manipulating everybody.  And I know eventually it will all come crashing down on her someday but still- I've already missed so much with my grandson because of her.

I guess my version of "getting over her" would be finding a way to not let her have influence over my life anymore.  It may sound crazy, but I still have it in my head that if we could reconcile, all this destruction goes away and I'd have my full family back.  I also know that it's incredibly flawed thinking though.
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Pook075
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« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2023, 01:46:52 PM »

Dang, I feel for you pook! A bond formed over so many years would be incredibly hard to get over 100% I’d imagine. If there’s a full proof step to do that then I sure haven’t figured it out.

For me personally, I’ve found the only way for me to get over someone 100% is to fall in love with another women after some substantial time has passed. Not exactly heathy or a good strategy on my part.



That's the route I ultimately went.  Was introduced to a relative of a friend overseas.  We hit it off, but I'm not looking to rush into anything and definitely don't want a "rebound".  Still, feelings are there and they're real, so we'll see what happens.  I sometimes feel guilty about it though and I have no idea why.
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« Reply #12 on: March 06, 2023, 02:32:13 PM »

Hey there, Pook. For what it's worth, everything you say makes sense to me. Your situation is complex, and I'm hearing a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions as you work your way through it.

I guess my version of "getting over her" would be finding a way to not let her have influence over my life anymore.  It may sound crazy, but I still have it in my head that if we could reconcile, all this destruction goes away and I'd have my full family back.  I also know that it's incredibly flawed thinking though.

I get this 100%. I've struggled with a similar thought for months. And that thought also puts the key to your recovery with her, rather than within yourself.

Keep being you. Conduct yourself in ways that are consistent with your values (rather than reactions to her behavior). And it is highly likely that your relationships with your children and grandson will grow stronger over time.
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« Reply #13 on: March 06, 2023, 03:22:03 PM »

I get this 100%. I've struggled with a similar thought for months. And that thought also puts the key to your recovery with her, rather than within yourself.

Keep being you. Conduct yourself in ways that are consistent with your values (rather than reactions to her behavior). And it is highly likely that your relationships with your children and grandson will grow stronger over time.


Yeah, I agree.  I've talked to my daughter (with the husband, baby) some and told her that I'll always be here for her, and that I want a more active part in her life.  But I also said that her mom needs her more than me, so I understand why our relationship can't be like it's always been.  This has destroyed all of us- our kids plus my wife's parents, brothers, cousins, etc...none of them have any idea how I'm suddenly supposed to be the enemy.
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« Reply #14 on: March 06, 2023, 04:49:01 PM »

...the only way for me to get over someone 100% is to fall in love with another women after some substantial time has passed. Not exactly heathy or a good strategy on my part.

I have understood this to be 'repetition compulsion' (term?).

I did this too, ... after 1st divorce, ... I was pretty much a baby rabbit in a cage (metaphorical) full of starved (cluster B's) she wolves...  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

*I was very (extremely) naive back then, and I had not learned anything really, ... even after having my heart ripped out apocalypto style*

But this is a real thing, this 'repetition compulsion', ... "I am a wounded soul from childhood, always looking for (cluster B) mommy and (absent) daddy's recognition, approval, praise(?)", ... and the first pretty girl I met, gave all that to me(?), ... for a while, then it collapsed, because she was a _____ (*borderline-narcissist*) ... it always follows the same track ...

*idealize - devalue - discard*

Sometimes, the cycle reverses one or two gears ... and then goes forward again, ... and then repeats, ... but the end seems to be always the same.

As in (eg') ... hmmm, let me try this again, in my present "un-healed post dysfunctional crash and burned up condition", ... *no work on self*

Same thing happens again ... crash and burn : (

... over and over and over,... we step out (ejected) from one dysfunctional relationship, only to embark on yet another, with the exact (?) same results.

I have an uncle, who has been married four (4) times, my own mother, got married for the fifth (5th) time! ... at age 81.

Yup, ... there it is ... "repetition compulsion".

But I have to agree with Gutt3rSnipe, it sure feels good to "drive that new car", ... the red one, with the five speed!

... until you find out it was a mafia body disposal car  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Red5
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« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2023, 11:36:22 AM »

You never know when trauma is over with, but I will tell you, if you can journal TO your ex and not feel a ton of pain, often, then you would probably be over it. Even 10 years out, I've journaled to my ex girlfriend and felt pain, but it normally is short lived and then I just try to look at what I've gained from it, which is mostly the ability to love myself, instead of depend on someone who is so unhealthy to try to love me.
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« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2023, 04:23:47 PM »

I'm just curious how long it's taken others to be 100% over their ex's.  For me, it's been 7 months and I felt like I was 100% over her, and then I saw a Facebook post from her last night and felt all kinds of unexpected emotions.  Anger, sadness, jealousy...it just kind of shocked me since I thought I was over that by now.  I guess the NC kind of put me in a false sense of security.

I don't think it is possible for feelings to ever be completely gone. I think you get to a place of just not giving a F Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) anymore. More indifference than anything else. For example, with my ex wife...no ill feelings towards her, but want absolutely nothing to do with her again. However, I also acknowledge the love I did have and some of the good things we did share. But when it comes to my personal happiness and satisfaction I am happier now than when I was married.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-
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« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2023, 12:01:31 PM »

Hi Pook and Cranmango
Your conversation really resonates with me. I have also wondered several times regarding my own relationship with my dBPDw but so far I keep trying to have faith in God that this test will strengthen me and teach me skills to manage my life and relationships better.

I have not been able to go NC with her due to a lovely child that I share with her. However, I am trying to practice keeping my contact formal and to the point with her. It has been just under two years since the breakup process started, and I still have not been able to let go of my feelings for her, though I do rationally understand that I will never be able to fulfill a void within her until she starts to work on herself properly.

I pray that she gets the help she needs and sometimes I feel the only way I can get over her is by both of us being in separate marriages. I let myself fantasize over that to help cope with my feelings of loss, feeling unable to help her, feeling helpless at protecting my family from the galestorm that is BPD.

As for time course, I had been in crisis mode for about 6 to 8 months and dreaded (and still do at times) every conversation I had to have with my dBPDw. With the limited contact, partially enforced by dBPDw's parents to avoid complete loss of our daughter's custody, I slowly started to come out of crisis mode and over the past 4 to 5 months have started to take charge of my life (despite still feeling guilty about my relationship breakdown at times).

I wish you guys the best and hope your matters get resolved or become much more manageable.
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« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2023, 12:45:41 PM »

Excerpt
It's my younger kid, her husband, and the baby that I'm fighting for since they think there's nothing wrong with my wife, that there was no affair, etc.  They're being slowly discarded too now but can't quite understand what's happening.

All you can do is have patience. It sounds like your daughter is somewhat enmeshed with your stb-ex and if this is the case, then there is basically nothing you will be able to do to help her “see the light”. Letting go and letting God is truly the best option right now because if you try to fight you run the risk of alienating your daughter. It will also help a lot if you can let go of your desire for her to be on your side about the divorce. You really don’t need anybody else’s validation about that, as nice as it is to have it.

What you want to avoid at all costs is getting into a tug-of-war with your stb-ex over your grandson, and as you work on your own healing and recovery your daughter will probably begin gravitating towards you and away from her mother.

You also might like to consider checking out some Al-Anon meetings in your area as these could potentially help you to accelerate your recovery. All the best to you.
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