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Author Topic: Divorce after 10 years  (Read 1543 times)
bob88
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« on: March 05, 2023, 09:26:44 AM »

Hi All,

I just wanted to post to those contemplating separating from their BPD other a little encouragement based on my own experience.

It has been a rough journey at times, but there is no question in my mind the benefits have far outweighed the rough times.  I was married for 20+ years with 2 kids and the last 2 years I was "locked and loaded" to get out of the marriage when the time came. Sure enough she went into her annual "I'm mad at you although I don't know why and I am giving you the silent treatment for the next 2 months" mood.  Every year seemed to get worse.  One night we went to bed and she started semi-raging at me about all my MANY faults, and at some point said "I think we need to get a divorce!".

There it was.  Now I knew if I brought up divorce it would be a nightmare...it had to be "her" idea or it would have been even a bigger nightmare.  I said "I agree with you and I will find a place and move out by the end of the month".  She just froze with this stunned look and stomped out of the bedroom.  Ten minutes later she returned and initiated what had to be some of the best sex we had ever had.   Yeah ... only someone living with a bpd would understand that.

I still remember those first days at my new place...the remarkable sense of peace that surrounded me, my son leaning back on my couch and saying "It is so nice to be somewhere where nobody is screaming at you"...that one still gets to me.

I did everything she wanted except responding to those late night tear filled calls to "Come back home".  I played along ... after all it was "her" idea...marriage counseling (waste of time), not fighting over anything, helping her when she needed house or car maintenance, enduring the random rages.  It took over two years but the divorce was finally on paper and I was free.

I didn't fight (much) over splitting the money and possessions ... and guess what ... after that divorce my savings went through the roof and I was able to make up for all the stuff I lost (and more) in about 4 years after I got away from her spending.  So don't sweat that stuff.  She wanted to fight just to keep me 'close' and I wouldn't let her.

Now I live a life devoted to a peaceful existence.  My kids came to live with me when they were old enough to make their own decisions and we finally lived like a family should.  No more guessing whether a monster would be coming home from work, or watching every word we spoke for fear of her raging , or JUST NOT SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!  It has been wonderful.

At no point have I regretted getting a divorce.  Sure, sometimes I get sad, but then I go back and read the notes I made at the time.  (You are keeping notes, aren't you?).  Her birthday comes and goes, valentines, Christmas, and I no longer live in fear because I didn't guess exactly what she wanted.  I can take vacations and nobody is getting into a rage and giving me the silent treatment the entire time. 

This was my experience, your may be different.  I know it might look bleak right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Hang in there, don't lose your cool, and do what you need to do for your own well being ... it's a great life and only you can take yourself there.


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PearlsBefore
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« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2023, 11:03:18 AM »

"Ten minutes later she returned and initiated what had to be some of the best sex we had ever had.   Yeah ... only someone living with a bpd would understand that."

Literal "out loud" on the "laugh out loud" there, there was actual grin and chuckle - thank you. I often point out that there's a weird dichotomy where it's essentially true to say "Every female involved in the medico-legal aspect of our relationship has asked me why, given the extent of my wife's problems, I ever would've gotten in bed with her muchless married her. No male has ever asked - they get it.'

We, as men, do be dumb sometimes.

The absolute insanity of sex with a pwBPD is probably unique, probably the most dysfunctional that comes to mind is a time I was cooking dinner with the children and she went right into one of her usual suicidal spins - this time just using her hands to pull an unknotted cord across her neck to cut off her oxygen - kids and I just ignored her and kept making dinner. She legitimately knocked herself out for a few minutes hitting the floor as she went down hard and unconscious - you can't imagine how weird this scene is, "Mommy's okay, I'm just gonna go check on her - yeah she's okay I think she's going to wake up in a few minutes- maybe we'll splash water on her and be silly if she doesn't wake up soon" kinda trying to keep it lighthearted.

They were used to theatrics, she'd attempted suicide before but never gone limp and motionless before, so this was definitely new to them. But what you've read up until now is not actually the really weird and unexpected part (in fact to some of you it probably sounds very familiar though I really hope your children were not present).

She woke up but started immediately hyperventilating that she'd gone to Hell and been shown demons and pitchforks or whatever (not her exact words but I don't remember exactly what it was) so then I had to calm down her religious fervor for the children's sake. She wasn't angry but she was hyperventilating out of seemingly-legitimate terror and/or religious mania or whatever. Obviously she didn't accept my assurances, which were important for the children, that she hadn't actually been dead and we'd even checked on her and she was breathing just like normal the whole time (not even frenzied breathing!) - she was quite sure she must have been dead if she'd been shown Hell.

After she calms down, she just retreats to a corner and we bring her food and sit around her to eat "like normal" as much as possible. Now she's the opposite of hyperventilating, I'm not even sure what to call it because my life involves caring for pwBPDs and I'm not sure what to call its total inversion - she was barely speaking above a whisper, reflective, penitent...really, really weird.

The only thing that apparently visions of Hell hadn't changed was the nymphomaniac part. Lasted ten days, still the trippiest ten days of our life. She's had close calls before, she's done crazy nonsense since then, but I think it was the combination of the fact her family truly didn't pay her any attention, then she had her nightmare, then we were still relatively lackadaisical about it all rather than showering her with emotion. Sex had always been one of her anxiolytics - the only weird thing was that now she was politely asking for sex instead of demanding it with crazed-monkey-theatrics. (The number of people to whom she has openly boasted over the years about how frequently she has raped me including while I literally plead with her to stop is insane; but I'm a man so "haha, yeah right - can't rape a man, he's not a victim, you're just a fiesty independent woman who knows what she wants, you deserve it power-girl-boss". Eff this world.)

Well, that was far more than I intended to type.
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« Reply #2 on: March 06, 2023, 12:29:41 PM »

This:  I can take vacations and nobody is getting into a rage and giving me the silent treatment the entire time.

Resonates
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2023, 02:28:17 PM »

This:  I can take vacations and nobody is getting into a rage and giving me the silent treatment the entire time.

So true.  Last spring I spent 4 weeks driving to, among and from the Rocky mountains, Grand Canyon and several national parks.  Peace at my pace (bad heart) and wherever I wished.  That was a longer trip than I did during the last several years.  28 nights and not a one in a hotel or cabin.
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cranmango
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« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2023, 02:35:22 PM »

Now I live a life devoted to a peaceful existence.  My kids came to live with me when they were old enough to make their own decisions and we finally lived like a family should.  No more guessing whether a monster would be coming home from work, or watching every word we spoke for fear of her raging , or JUST NOT SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!  It has been wonderful.

At no point have I regretted getting a divorce.  Sure, sometimes I get sad, but then I go back and read the notes I made at the time.  (You are keeping notes, aren't you?).  Her birthday comes and goes, valentines, Christmas, and I no longer live in fear because I didn't guess exactly what she wanted.  I can take vacations and nobody is getting into a rage and giving me the silent treatment the entire time. 

Thank you for this. Very helpful to hear. Just got through the gauntlet of first birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's without my ex. And I am planning a vacation with my kiddo this summer. Your words give me hope.
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thankful person
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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2023, 04:47:33 PM »

Hi Bob,

Your marriage sounds a lot like mine. Your story is so inspiring and your peaceful existence sounds like everything I am dreaming of in my lowest moments. It’s getting harder and harder to picture things working out for us, my wife’s latest split has lasted 4 months and I question whether this is the beginning of the end for us. I am aware that she is delusional, I feel she wants to love me, so every so often she paints me white again for a few hours then I somehow manage to “ruin everything”… But yet I know it’s coming, I know that by the end of the day she will find a reason that I’ve ruined everything. And I’m just so tired of it all. I can’t believe I met my wife when I was still with my ex and I told her about the amount of anxiety I had  surrounding getting him the wrong presents on special occasions. I was relieved to leave just before his 40th so I didn’t have to worry about it. And yet, here I am yet again stressing about presents, this time because of her. I honestly don’t think I wouldn’t ever want another partner. I do fret about how the finances would work out if we were to separate, but I also know that I wouldn’t believe how much money I’d have if someone wasn’t spending all the money I don’t have. Did you ever get the feeling your children wanted you to separate, before it happened? Mine are still so little it’s hard to tell what they think, but sometimes when my wife is shrieking cos she can’t get comfortable on the sofa, we all exit the room and leave her to it. I know I am the safe parent and I am extra careful to be gentle with them. Thank you again for sharing.
« Last Edit: March 08, 2023, 04:52:46 PM by thankful person » Logged

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« Reply #6 on: March 10, 2023, 02:10:01 PM »

Excerpt
Now I live a life devoted to a peaceful existence

Wow...  this seems like something I might want to consider.  The idea of never fearing the appearance of 'a monster' seems pretty valuable. 

Some folks have said even after divorce that they still get drawn in to the craziness.  Did that ever happen to you?

I also like the idea of savings growing based on spending becoming my own.
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Pook075
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« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2023, 02:58:34 PM »

The absolute insanity of sex with a pwBPD is probably unique, probably the most dysfunctional that comes to mind is a time I was cooking dinner with the children and she went right into one of her usual suicidal spins - this time just using her hands to pull an unknotted cord across her neck to cut off her oxygen - kids and I just ignored her and kept making dinner. She legitimately knocked herself out for a few minutes hitting the floor as she went down hard and unconscious - you can't imagine how weird this scene is, "Mommy's okay, I'm just gonna go check on her - yeah she's okay I think she's going to wake up in a few minutes- maybe we'll splash water on her and be silly if she doesn't wake up soon" kinda trying to keep it lighthearted.

Oh my gosh, I was literally dying with laughter...and terror!  That is the craziest story I think I've ever heard.
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Stephen44

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« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2023, 05:51:27 PM »

Excerpt
They were used to theatrics, she'd attempted suicide before but never gone limp and motionless before, so this was definitely new to them. But what you've read up until now is not actually the really weird and unexpected part (in fact to some of you it probably sounds very familiar though I really hope your children were not present).

I'm in a situation right now where one thing preventing me from divorce is worrying my wife will commit suicide. She has threatened many times, and she said she has attempted but I don't know how serious it was. Has anyone here been in a situation like this? If so, any advice for getting past this fear? It is constantly messing with my head, I feel so much guilt. Thank you.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2023, 07:35:09 PM »

Regarding the topic of suicide, are these actual contemplation of suicide or more like manipulative threats to maneuver us into appeasing or compliance to demands?

Many here who have reported these incidents stated these were years-long patterns. Years after all that time the persons were still alive.  Professionals state that we should let the ones trained to deal with suicidal comments determine which category these fit into.

The reality is we can't fix the people making suicidal threats or comments.
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PearlsBefore
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« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2023, 09:48:43 PM »

I'm in a situation right now where one thing preventing me from divorce is worrying my wife will commit suicide. She has threatened many times, and she said she has attempted but I don't know how serious it was. Has anyone here been in a situation like this? If so, any advice for getting past this fear? It is constantly messing with my head, I feel so much guilt. Thank you.

Definitely something with which I think a lot of us have struggled; no great answers - keep in mind that pwBPDs are not the type to try to kill themselves unexpectedly after months of depression, they're more the type you need to watch for 48 hours after a stressor and then they've re-invented themselves...so if you are thinking of anything, ensuring she's with her family or at Disney or whatever crazy way to ensure she survives the first 48 hours, is a lot more important than it is with "normies" who retain or even increase in suicidality as time passes.

I still panic for 24-48 hours after any major life event goes against my primary pwBPD's interests, but again I'm able to be calm if she makes it through that period - because that's the real danger with her.
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2023, 09:12:04 AM »



I totally identify with all of this. My pwBPD did a real suicide attempt when we were apart a few years ago. The immediate stressors for her was that she was living in her family's home, under pressure from them to get psychiatric help( they have no idea how to deal with her, not saying that I do, but they have never looked into the topic of BPD etc). They were going to force her to see a pyschiatrist and were telling her she should be in a mental hospital. She was feeling trapped and scared of them physically ill and forbidden to call ambulances and so on. She had been apart from me for a few months, as I had a cancer diagnosis and the management in my apartment had asked her to leave( to my relief). It was a pretty serious attempt, threw herself out of a 30 to 40 foot window, miraculously with little serious injury. Anyway several years on and I am out of there again and constantly worried and checking that she is alive or surviving. Her brother is fed up with looking out for her and has started trying to blame or pressure me. He is the one that was involved with the suicide attempt and pressure on her before. I am at the moment thinking of cutting off my ability to see what is going on with her via social media and an old shared email account. The relief that I feel when I see that she is OK ish is tremendous. I know it will be stressful cutting off from this but cant see a way forward for me without cutting that information channel. I also think that the suicide attempt or threat is around an immediate stress or stimulus and not something considered and then acted upon after brooding or for a period of time. 
« Last Edit: March 23, 2023, 09:21:27 AM by MikeLondon » Logged
Stephen44

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« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2023, 05:24:17 PM »

Thanks to all of you for sharing. It's good to know others have been through something similar. I have heard, like a couple of you have said, that BPDs don't usually commit suicide, they more talk about for years. That's been my case.

That being said, the possibility she'll go through with it is still terrifying for me. I feel very stuck in this. But again, it's good to know I'm not alone.
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« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2023, 08:15:05 AM »

The suicide rate for pwBPD is around 10% and a much higher number for attempts.
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« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2023, 01:04:20 PM »

I still remember those first days at my new place...the remarkable sense of peace that surrounded me

I felt that way too. My son and I walked through the door of our crappy apartment after leaving my ex and inside the door S11 stopped and gave me a hug that spoke volumes. There is no greater gift to give a kid than safety.

It was so easy and peaceful and calm. No knots in our stomach, no fear, no dread.

Don't get me wrong, divorcing n/BPDx unleashed the kraken for sure. But when I was deliberating to leave what I didn't factor in was how draining chronic dread can be. Dread makes it harder to think, harder to cope, harder to manage. Without all that dread I had a much easier time thinking. So many things that felt insurmountable seemed like a piece of cake when the dread was cut in half.

What I didn't expect was how raw that divorcing period would be. I don't miss any of the stress but I do have this curiosity and kind of strange longing for the raw emotions that came to the surface. I wish I understood a bit better what was happening. It was kind of like gutting your house down to the studs. Why not upgrade the plumbing and electric system since everything is exposed. Instead I kind of quickly patched things up. It wasn't until a second pwBPD came into my life that I had to go back in and really tend to that foundational stuff once and for all.

A lot of energy gets trapped in these marriages.

I see now that unless my ex was willing to get treatment we were doomed. Whatever made me think I could fix things from the inside when I had such a damaged sense of self seems almost delusional.

The suicide rate for pwBPD is around 10% and a much higher number for attempts.

In an NEA-BPD Family Connections workshop I attended the facilitator referred to BPD as a fatal disease.

It is tricky when suicidal ideation is used as a way to get attention when that same attention-seeking is about wanting relief from extreme stress.

The best thing we did was get experts involved since none of us had the skills for something that complex. When my stepdaughter (BPD traits, chronic suicidality) talks about not wanting to live, family members ask if they can do a three-way call with someone on a hotline. That alone seems to change some of the behaviors. In a way, it's gently asking for accountability. If you feel bad, here's something with a lot of sunlight to shine on this dark space. Most of the time, SD26 says she doesn't need that.
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