Can "the black and white view" be contagious?

[Bella2798]

Well, the title might be funny, but I've realized recently that it seems the emotionally intense point of view that my partner has is kind of contagious, and I'm having it too.

This especially happened during this time's breakup (which happened last night). I've been more firm before, but recently it seems that I go through a panic mode, in which I always think of the worst possible outcome (which is my partner never coming back).This also makes it harder for me to keep boundaries when he goes into a devaluation phase.

I was wondering if this is only my problem (maybe I have attachment issues? Anxiety? I don't know) or if there are other people experiencing a similar situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Bella2798]

I just wanted to add something that I recognized recently. I constantly imagine the worst, saddest scenarios, like what I'll write to him when I'm going the the wedding party I'm invited on saturday which is exactly our anniversary day, with a dress he bought for me. My mind produces such thoughts and I'm wondering if this is kind of a depression or something.

[waverider]

We are all affected by or environment, it colours what we believe is "normal". Even if you are aware of it, and believe you can rationalize it, it's still there just like picking up the accent of a country you have lived in for any prolonged period. We all mirror those around us to some degree.

[Bella2798]

We are all affected by or environment, it colours what we believe is "normal". Even if you are aware of it, and believe you can rationalize it, it's still there just like picking up the accent of a country you have lived in for any prolonged period. We all mirror those around us to some degree.

Thanks a lot for the help. I'm really tired of this way of thinking because it hurts me a lot. Maybe I can remind myself now that I'm aware.

[waverider]

Thanks a lot for the help. I'm really tired of this way of thinking because it hurts me a lot. Maybe I can remind myself now that I'm aware.

This is why isolation from regular folks is dangerous and why you should reconnect as much as possible

[Bella2798]

This is why isolation from regular folks is dangerous and why you should reconnect as much as possible

I try to keep in touch with my friends but sometimes my energy level for any communication is so low. Other than that, honestly, I don't want to continuously hear that "he doesn't deserve me, I should break up with him and let him have his own struggles if he really loves me, etc" when I'm trying my best to make a healthy relationship. But I guess I shouldn't give up anyway.

[Notwendy]

I try to keep in touch with my friends but sometimes my energy level for any communication is so low.

I'm trying my best to make a healthy relationship.

But I guess I shouldn't give up anyway.

Of course your emotional energy for connecting with other is low, as you are putting all or most of it into this relationship and focusing on him.

You are trying your best to make a healthy relationship with a person who isn't emotionally healthy.

Guess you should or should not give up anyway- taking this as a question that only you can answer for yourself- and you can decide that, you have tried all you can, or that you wish to keep trying but consider what are you trying to accomplish? We can't change another person- how they think, or feel, or what they say is not something we can control.

I think one question you are asking is - is it possible to remain emotionally healthy while being in a relationship with a disordered person? One interesting statement I read in a book on relationships is that we emotionally "match" our partners in some ways- which could imply that someone who is in a long term relationship with a disordered person has brought their own issues into the relationship. Here is where your focus needs to shift- to gaining better boundaries and getting emotional support for working on your own feelings and behaviors. This does not mean you, yourself, have a label or a disorder, but that, we all can get better at boundaries, emotional regulation skills, and yes, it's possible to do self work with or without a relationship.

Right now, you are looking to your partner as a determination of if you are OK or not and this changes according to your moods. One moment, you may feel good about yourself, the other, not, depending on what he says. I think if we are sensitive to someone else's emotions, we can be influenced by them. Making connections to other people who are emotionally stable, a counselor possibly, can help you reconnect to your own thoughts and feelings.

[Bella2798]

Of course your emotional energy for connecting with other is low, as you are putting all or most of it into this relationship and focusing on him.

You are trying your best to make a healthy relationship with a person who isn't emotionally healthy.

Guess you should or should not give up anyway- taking this as a question that only you can answer for yourself- and you can decide that, you have tried all you can, or that you wish to keep trying but consider what are you trying to accomplish? We can't change another person- how they think, or feel, or what they say is not something we can control.

I think one question you are asking is - is it possible to remain emotionally healthy while being in a relationship with a disordered person? One interesting statement I read in a book on relationships is that we emotionally "match" our partners in some ways- which could imply that someone who is in a long term relationship with a disordered person has brought their own issues into the relationship. Here is where your focus needs to shift- to gaining better boundaries and getting emotional support for working on your own feelings and behaviors. This does not mean you, yourself, have a label or a disorder, but that, we all can get better at boundaries, emotional regulation skills, and yes, it's possible to do self work with or without a relationship.

Right now, you are looking to your partner as a determination of if you are OK or not and this changes according to your moods. One moment, you may feel good about yourself, the other, not, depending on what he says. I think if we are sensitive to someone else's emotions, we can be influenced by them. Making connections to other people who are emotionally stable, a counselor possibly, can help you reconnect to your own thoughts and feelings.

We can't change another person- how they think, or feel, or what they say is not something we can control.

To be honest, I know that there's no way I can change my partner. But on the other hand, I also can't leave when I know he is trying to heal. It's easier to say that "if he loved you he would get help", but which help when he has to wait at least 6 months for a therapist because he can't still afford being a private patient? Also, healing is not a straight line, I won't blame him for giving up on some therapies he had before. I see he's trying is best and is willing to take meds as this is a first step he can have, even with all the splitting episodes he may have over me. I'm sorry if these lines are too personal to share, maybe I'm just making things more clear to me by writing them to a third person like you who knows about BPD enough.

Here is where your focus needs to shift- to gaining better boundaries and getting emotional support for working on your own feelings and behaviors.

I'm afraid I really lack in gaining and sticking to my boundaries, especially when things are getting harsher between us and actually leading to a break up. I guess I'm going to talk about these breakups clearly when he's back, ignoring them just makes things worse. I hope this is a good step.

Right now, you are looking to your partner as a determination of if you are OK or not and this changes according to your moods. One moment, you may feel good about yourself, the other, not, depending on what he says. I think if we are sensitive to someone else's emotions, we can be influenced by them.

You're totally right. Even when I hide this feeling, I really need someone else to tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I've kind of lost my confidence a bit, but I'm working to regain it.

Dear Notwendy, thanks a lot for the time you put in to help me.

[Notwendy]

I'm afraid I really lack in gaining and sticking to my boundaries, especially when things are getting harsher between us and actually leading to a break up. I guess I'm going to talk about these breakups clearly when he's back, ignoring them just makes things worse. I hope this is a good step.

You're totally right. Even when I hide this feeling, I really need someone else to tell me if I'm doing the right thing. I've kind of lost my confidence a bit, but I'm working to regain it.

I think we are all here learning about BPD and trying to manage a relationship with someone with BPD and helping each other.

Understandable that if you see that your boyfriend is willing to work on himself, you wish to remain supportive.

You can still work on your own self while being in a relationship. He can still be your one romantic relationship but consider not making him your only focus. If the relationship is influencing your own self esteem, that is going to depend on his moods which are changing. You can help this by spending time with friends and your other interests. Of course you will be concerned if he's in "break up" mood, but you can't control his moods. It is possible to have other sources of interest and self esteem that you can feel good about in addition to this relationship. Hobbies, interests, hanging out with some friends, counseling. He may be waiting 6 months for a therapist but you don't have to wait to expand your focus and interests which can make your moods less affected by his.