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Author Topic: BPD Mom passed away  (Read 1225 times)
madeline7
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« on: March 19, 2023, 08:23:45 AM »

Feels strange writing this. She was elderly but still it was unexpected. I will add more at a later date since I am very busy with family making arrangements, etc. But for those on the board that have "known" me for a while now, I wanted to let you know since the support I will get from you will in many ways be the most authentic. I don't know how to "feel", yet in some ways I am feelings things that have been suppressed for what seems like forever. In general, the passing was relatively quick and painless with no drama, which was good for her, as well as for me and the immediate family. In need of virtual hugs please as I navigate a most complicated grief.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2023, 09:33:21 AM »

Virtual hugs and condolences, it's a unique kind of grief and it is real grief.

I have not experienced this kind of loss. I did experience the loss of a father, but I think it's different. The grief began as I observed him aging and I perceived him as mortal, human, and I experienced the special relationship with him as a father. No other relationship is like this. The loss was immeasurable.

When I visited my BPD mother recently, my cousin brought up this topic. I replied that this is something we siblings can not discuss and we do not mention it. It's a strange sense of denial I guess but also I think it is due to how we relate to BPD mother. I feared the loss of my father because of my emotional attachment to him. With my mother, it seems there's confusing emotions, more like a wishing and wanting than the kind of attachment I felt with my father.  

In a way, with my mother, it's been an odd sense of loss and wishing all along.

Even now, as she is aging and needing assistance, I can't be of much emotional support. I can do things for her, but the emotional connection seems fragmented. She seems to make this the focus of my visit- having me do things for her. If she offers any affirmations, it's about what I have done for her.

She's my mother and I have some feelings towards her but I have also been afraid of her. As I entered the hallway to her room in assisted living, I felt panicked. There's also a kind of envy, similar to the envy I feel watching my friend's mothers relate to them, when I see her neighbor able to offer her an affection and connection that somehow I could not have with her. Why is it that this neighbor has more of a mother-daughter relationship with her than I have? Why is it that my mother can perceive her emotional support? That's the nature of BPD which affects the closest relationships the most and also the result of my own protective stance with her.  

So to return to the focus of your grief, Madeline. I think it came unexpectedly for you, perhaps because, it's harder to imagine this for some reason due to the nature of the relationship. It may not make sense to be grieving the loss of someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive to you, but it's a unique loss and grief because, I think it's been a sort of loss and grief all along and it deserves the same kind of reverence and respect for your feelings that those who have lost a loving mother who did not have a mental illness are allotted. There's also probably some sense of freedom as well for which you may feel is not appropriate. But all feelings are legitimate here.

And prayers if you are religious, for your emotional comfort, and for your mother whose soul is now in the presence of a loving God who created her and understands her, where I believe she can now perceive the love around her.   Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

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madeline7
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« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2023, 09:52:19 AM »

Thank you NW. You are eloquent and wise.
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Methuen
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« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2023, 10:11:27 AM »

I’m glad to hear the passing was relatively quick and not overly difficult.  That is a relief.   The unexpected part can be difficult because there is no opportunity to process or talk.

I am sorry for all the complicated feelings that come with this.  If you can, my suggestion would be to allow yourself to feel them however uncomfortable they are.  . Then release them to the wind or the current of a river when the time is right.

I wish you peace and mercy as you work through this grief.   It’s probably going to be a long time before it’s my turn to go through this ( she has longevity genes into the late 90’s), so I have not yet walked this walk to speak from experience.  When my father passed it was different.

While our feelings and the intensity of them is hard, we also know that their feelings that come with their BPD is x100 I have read, hence they have no emotional skin.  At least she is now at peace and no longer suffering in that. I’m not sure if there is consolation in that.

It’s very busy after the death of a close family member.  This is a time for special self care.

Bushels of support and virtual hugs.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: March 19, 2023, 10:28:55 AM by Methuen » Logged
madeline7
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« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2023, 11:24:26 AM »

Thank you Methuen. Your words ring true!
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2023, 10:27:09 AM »

I don't know how to approach this, or what to write... I want to say I am sorry, but I don't think this quite applies... I feel like part of our work, when we realize the extent of our mother's illness, is to grieve them. Yet, actually grieving their death is a different process altogether... I can only imagine how confusing it must feels? I can only imagine a surge of emotions, all mixed up, waves of anger, sadness, relief, guilt, peace... I hope you find the time for self-care and to process those intense thoughts and feelings that must have resurfaced for you.

I am with you through this and sending you lots of virtual hugs  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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zachira
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« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2023, 11:29:42 AM »

My condolences on the lifetime loss of your mother. As you know, my mother is deceased. You will likely have many mixed feelings on the death of your mother and may be suprised at some of them. Whatever your feelings, they are all okay. You are now in a safe place to grieve the mother you never had, though you are also free to remember good moments with her if there were any because now she can no longer hurt you. A virtual hug in the coming days as you say goodbye to your mother.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #7 on: March 22, 2023, 02:05:48 PM »

I can attest that the grieving and acceptance that one will never have the relationship with a mother that one wants is different from grieving the actual death of one's mother. I think I moved through grieving our relationship many years before grieving my mother's actual death, which wad less than two years ago.

Be gentle with yourself, and take all the time you need. Hugs...
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
madeline7
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« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2023, 09:26:08 AM »

Riv3rWolf- Mixed emotions for sure and I am taking time for myself

Zachira- Yes, a lifetime loss but I am able to remember good moments too

GaGirl- I am in the beginning stages but the grief over never having the relationship I wanted is indeed different than greiving the actual loss

Thank you for all your insight and support. So glad to have found this amazing place to feel seen and understood
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zachira
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« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2023, 10:23:52 AM »

I am glad you are able to remember the good moments with your mother and hope that will bring you some peace and healing. I was very surprised when my mom died how I was suddenly able to remember the times when she was generous and did seem to care about me. BPD is very different from NPD in that the person with BPD can in some cases be capable of having empathy and being loving at times interspersed with all the times of being extremely dysregulated with the dysregulations often increasing with aging. I am hoping you will have a peaceful goodby to your mother and you will feel supported and loved by your family and friends. We are here for you on this site always.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2023, 11:57:38 AM »

I am glad you recalled the good moments. If I think about it, I don't really have memories of my mother being kind and generous to me. She seems to be able to do this with others but whether or not it's generosity or control, I don't know. Still, when her neighbor tells me about their relationship, I am happy for my mother that she has this and also sad and envious that she can't seem to hold off on some of the things she says to me. If I  do a lot of nice things for her but one mess up ( or her idea that it was)- that's what I hear from her. I have gotten to the point where I just start crying when she does that. I know that at her age, she won't change but wish she'd at least think about how she speaks to me. Once she sees that I am crying she comes back with a bunch of compliments on what I did for her and what I did well. But I don't want to hear that either as I don't know if it's sincere or not, and more so- if the relationship is based on what I can do for her, what is that.

I can't think of an incident where she was gratuitously nice to me, just to be nice.

I don't expect much from her. I certainly don't expect her to do anything for me. I wish she'd just think twice about how it might feel on my part to come visit, do a lot for her, and then to hear how I have disappointed her even with some minor slight.

I don't hold on to resentment for her. I know it's her BPD, but due to her BPD, it's hard to relate to her. I really do try but somehow being around her, she will eventually say something and I will cry. I don't act mean to her, or angry at her, it's a frustration that she can' accept that I try with good intentions, to do something nice for her.
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Couscous
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« Reply #11 on: March 26, 2023, 12:28:44 AM »

My condolences madeline, and sending you a virtual hug. I can only imagine how complicated your feelings must be.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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madeline7
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« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2023, 08:25:47 AM »

Thank you Couscous
And NW, it's good you don't hold onto the resentment and I too, have been unable to relate to my Mom.
Considering the complicate nature of her unexpected passing and grief, I am doing remarkably well and I think it is in part due to the work I have been doing, and the many "aha" moments I have had in the past year or two.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #13 on: March 30, 2023, 06:08:24 AM »

Madeline7,

I can't remember and find myself wondering if you were in contact with your BPD mother before her passing?
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madeline7
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« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2023, 11:11:21 AM »

I was in contact with my Mom and was able to get to her bedside the day she passed. That had been a concern of mine and I think I maintained contact for many reasons, and having less drama upon her passing was always in the back of my mind. She became more waif like towards the end and there was no drama at all. A huge relief.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #15 on: April 01, 2023, 04:53:52 PM »

I am happy for you, that your decisions, in the end, led you to a final moment with her in line with your values and emotional needs.

This is something I've been struggling with this week. The idea of my stepfather's death, or her death. But also how grateful I am to finally be able to have a healthy relationship with my father and his wife, free of guilt, triangulation, manipulations and the competition my mother always brings in when I see him.

I find it very hard to imagine how I could ever reach a healthy balance with her; if she could, she would swallow both my children whole.

I am happy for you and thankful that you were able to achieve this balance. Not an easy feat at all!  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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madeline7
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« Reply #16 on: April 01, 2023, 09:11:02 PM »

Nothing easy about having a parent with BPD. And not sure I ever really achieved a balance with her, but finally had more balance and acceptance within me, and grateful I could be the person I strive to be;  one with integrity and compassion, and able to be there in her final moments.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2023, 02:40:50 PM »

Nothing easy about having a parent with BPD. And not sure I ever really achieved a balance with her, but finally had more balance and acceptance within me, and grateful I could be the person I strive to be;  one with integrity and compassion, and able to be there in her final moments.

I am so glad for you that you could do this.
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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2023, 03:11:45 PM »

madeline7,

I'm sorry for the loss of your uBPDm and the mixed feelings that this brings. My uBPDm also passed away a number of years ago, and initially there was such a mixture of feelings. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Those of us who had a difficult relationship with our BPDm recognize that the grief process is much more complex than when someone had a loving relationship with their mom.

Just keep taking it slowly, and let yourself grieve.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Wools

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There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.  -C.S. Lewis
madeline7
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« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2023, 05:04:06 PM »

A prayer I came across in one of the books I am reading:

Dear God, You know my heart

The one I remember was unkind to me. Their death has left me a legacy of unhealed wounds, of anger, and of dismay.

I do not want to pretend to love or to grief that I do not feel.
Help me to subdue the bitterness that weighs on my heart.
Help me to remember whatever good I can.

Let me grieve for all that could have been, for all that should have been.
May I find peace, or forgiveness or, at least, in the passage of time.

Lead me, God, to a place of peace.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #20 on: April 04, 2023, 05:07:09 PM »

madeline7,

Thank you so very much for sharing this prayer.
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