Painted black

[CaptainCat]

I feel stuck. I can see the issue but nothing I can do or say will fix things. My wife has fallen out with my family. Drama since back in August. Stuff they said thst she can't grt over. Last few months constant triggers and would flame towards myself. Even if the incident was months ago, she would be triggered by the slightest mention of them and be stuck in this loop. Things where improving up untill early feburary where she had a run in with my sister while out shopping, this was a huge meltdown. This now snowballed for the month, zero intimacy with me, didn't want to be touched and within a few weeks told me we where finished and she is going to seperate.

We are together 18 years and she was diagnosed in November. Hasn't really went back to therapy and believes she can do her dbt herself.

I feel her rage towards my family has shifted the blame onto me, after she said I never delt with things and could of fixed her problems better. After she said this it was like a weight lifted off her shoulders. Mood was happy and she was saying how she wanted to move away and grt away from everything

Looking back over the years I see that even small triggers and rages she would shout the words I just need to grt away. Like small arguments with my daughter would turn into her grtting triggered and she would say she needed to just leave. After a few minutes she would come around and apologise.

So now I'm painted black and devalued. I'm just grtting on with my day and working on myself.

Has anyone advise on how I would approach things. The way I see it is to just ignore and work on me. Her dad said in a few weeks he will talk with her and try and make her see some sence as I know it can't come from me becuase iv been painted black

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[Amina]

My romantic partner of 3.5 years splits me black for days, weeks, and even months at a time.  A year ago this started to include blocking and unblocking my number, and he has panic and anxiety sometimes from intimacy.  I empathize not with his distortions but his pain, check-in via email to let him now I am there, and let him know I think that he is having black and white thinking.  There is little I can do to control the devaluation that occurs, though he can be responsive to me reaching out, and later can acknowledge how important it has been for him to know I am there, supporting him, and us.  However, his rollercoaster and untreated symptoms are exhausting to me, and my current spiritual journey is on some days, excruciating. 

[CaptainCat]

That sounds like a tough situation. Iv never really been split on this hard before. But because it's my own family she has issues with I'm been painted black aswell. Says I didn't validate her pain enough

She's not going to be moving anywhere for some time. So I'm thinking she might pull out of this. Either way I know I'll be fine. Sometimes I am balled up with fear. Other days I'm quite chill about the whole thing. As I'm learning now I have zero control of the outcome

[thankful person]

Captain cat, welcome. I’m a married lesbian, I’ve been in my relationship with my dbpdw for nearly 9 years, but here in bpd family for 2 years. Since being here on the forum, I have found that there was lots I could do to better communicate with my wife and she became much more sane and reasonable. I had true hope for our marriage last year and was constantly on here trying to give others hope. Sadly I have also been painted black for the past few months since my wife birthed our third child. Sometimes she’s loving towards me for a couple of days and expresses how she’d like things to work out between us. Then she will suddenly turn on me again as somehow I’ve managed to “ruin everything” yet again (it’s rather tedious because I’m just waiting for this stage to hit again each time). At times I have hope that things will get better as the babies get older but at other times I have no hope as it’s like my wife just doesn’t care about whether our marriage lasts and she truly believes in a bad person and says do. My wife is so delusional and genuinely believes I’m out to get her most of the time. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more help, just wanted to share my story.