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Author Topic: I feel so pissed at what happened that led me here.  (Read 233 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 354

« on: March 30, 2023, 04:53:31 AM »

My friend killed himself, and I got close to his mom, and she acted like a great friend, and she ended up screwing with me by playing on my abandonment fears, and other such things, and played the victim the whole time, and was super disingenuous, and then screwed with me a whole bunch during her own sons freaking memorial! And did so many confusing things, and acted like she was magically healed from the pain after the memorial and acted like I didn't matter.

I talked to my Dad about it, and he ended up supporting me a bit, and ended up being rude to me about it all, acting like my suffering didn't even matter. My sister couldn't even talk to me, and I had to complain to get that. My other friend ghosted, and only wanted to talk about himself, the neighbor acted like she cared, and so did this girl online I met.

Literally all of them pretty much had some version of narcissistic personality disorder. They faked caring and abandoned and screwed with me. Some used the suicide card to suck me in after. (didn't work)

But I shared my poems with his mom and my Dad, and my sister. None of them gave me credit for them, they just screwed with me for them, in fact his own mom said they were too heavy. I put my heart into those poems, and I feel so angry that these people treated something like this like that. I feel angry that they get away with crap like this.

Here is the last poem I wrote.

Okanogan Aaron
You may think you walked the Pacific Crest Trail all alone
But I'm right here with you, belated my friend
Teary-eyed, full of regrets
Too late is better than not at all

Did you see the soothing colors, smells of pine and dust
Sounds of the chirping fellows, and feel oscilating gusts
Did you find a needle of peace, in your old hay stack
And if so, did that detour your plans
Or did you view it as your final bird bath

Did you glaze your eyes over, and not see or hear
And not smell a thing, and only think of where
Was your mind racing, and complaining
As you walked your final path
Did you just do your deed, without a second thought

Remember how we used to walk all across the city
On adventures that children always know to do
We thought we were collecting neat new cards
But what we gathered most were those memories

So I visited the Okanogan Forest, and walked your last path
And found a native chief, doing a ressurrection dance
I humbly asked him to teach me, all his sacred ways
He hesitated, but I told him why, and he nodded okay

So I learned to pound a drum, and how to move in dance
I learned how to carve a totem, and how to wear a headdress
We smoked off of the peace pipe, in the teepee hut
I wore all their clothing, and learned the native strut

Before I set out on my mission, the chief look at me and said
Okanogan Aaron is bound to the trees, he's bound to the land
Even bound to the breeze
He's bound to the mountains, bound to the streams
Bound to the fires, and bound to our dreams

So I slowly carved a totem, that resembled your face
It also featured animals, I thought you'd embrace
I shrieked like an eagle, and growled like a bear
In hopes of calling you from the dirt into the air

I put on clothes of tradition, and sacred headdress
And danced through the day, and past the sunset
I beat my drum hard, until my hands bled
And chanted passed down songs, until my voice was dead

I collapsed in the dust and dirt, near the smoldering fire
I guess they dragged me to a bed, and nursed away the tired
I woke up from it all, and felt a vapid hole
Where you belonged, within my worn-out soul

I went to the chief, desperate and sad
And said it didn't work, my friend isn't back
He took his fist to his heart and thumped his muscled chest
And said he's back right here
Whenever you do Okanogan Aaron's, ressurection dance

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 127

« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2023, 09:04:09 AM »

NE—I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your poem. Keep writing, keep sharing.

Grief has a way of bringing out people’s worst tendencies sometimes. The hardest thing I’ve ever experienced was the death of my mom a few years ago. In the depth of our grief, my dad pushed me away. I have never felt so alone. In hindsight, I realize he didn’t have the coping skills to manage his own grief, much less be there for anyone else. I simply cannot rely on him for emotional support.

I’m so sorry that your dad and others were not there for you. I hope you are able to find support from others in your life.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 354

« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2023, 01:02:14 PM »

Hey Cranmango, thanks for getting back to me.

Yeah, I do understand that some people can't deal with their emotions and a lot of the deeper stuff, which is why I went back and forth a lot about things that I shared, and tried to do a lot on my own, and support other people in order to get a connection and heal without being alone. Other than my counselor, I think I mostly relied on people who weren't equipped for it, and I can see how it would never work to connect to them on that level.

It was hard for me because of all the manipulations and dishonesty, led me to believe people were different than they were, as I tend to be fairly straightforward and honest, most of the time, and it left me guessing so much that I was confused, and I was also so confused about how these people acted, which was erratic.

I can actually see their side, but on a personal level, it's like, I had something deeply important to me was taken advantage of and degraded and ignored. So it's left me reeling, and I have difficulty trusting people, because I trusted so many of the wrong people, and my home situation further amplifies my distrust, as I am dealing with manipulations almost daily, from my neighbor and Dad.

I don't really have people in my life right now to connect to, which is why I am here, to connect, to heal, to get together with emotionally healthy people (and people who are trying to be), to offer my own insights and strengths to the community, in order to help them, because I know I have helped and supported many people in the past. But because of my high need situation, it further isolates me, because the people here are struggling and don't want things to be one sided, which is totally understandable, and the mods don't want me to suck the energy out of the room, because other people need help too. And I don't have a lot to give, and even my counselor seems annoyed with me lately, and is running away. And I don't have energy to go to a group or something locally, as I feel too vulnerable to take that big step for me.

I am just so tired, so I am resting for the day and accepting my limitations. Which is probably the biggest way I sabotage myself. I've gotten into the habit of hurting myself to deal with big, pressing issues, and so I've hurt myself to deal with this too. I almost feel like the codependency is a bane and a boon, as it has helped me survive, but it's also destroying me.

Sorry about what happened to your mother and feeling so alone about it. I too felt alone with when my mother died, and it was so hard that I'd go out at night and beg for help from the universe, and life. But I bit my lip and weathered It, and it helped me grow so much, as she inspired me to be more responsible, and to not neglect things, as I did around the time she died.

Hope you're doing well, and thanks for your response. I don't want to be too needy, as I feel it externalizes my power too much, but at the same time, I feel needy, because I am worn out. I really do often appreciate it when people get back to me, unless I am cranky, and short, or we're just not a right fit for each other, which can happen, as not everyone is gonna mesh together well, and I am in a bad mood often, from the stress.

Take care.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 354

« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2023, 03:18:58 PM »

I wanted to follow up, and I'm having a breakdown, because I just feel so scared of dealing with so much on my own, and I feel so scared of crying a lot, around here, but I'm going to.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 127

« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2023, 06:22:15 PM »

Hey NE—you’re not alone. I know how lonely it can feel. Everyone on these boards is struggling with something. We’re all crying about something. So even though our situations are different, know that I hear you. Folks here are reading, and we will get through our situations together.

Anything you feel like sharing, go ahead and share. Get it out. Because I promise you that someday someone is going to read these posts and be so comforted by what you shared. I read these boards every single day to find hope and inspiration.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Living Together
Posts: 354

« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2023, 10:11:43 PM »

Hey Cranmango, thanks for the reminder, that my story can be an inspiration to others. I know I've felt that way in the past, it's been hard to feel like I had a right to share, with all the disregard and invalidation. Although logically, I know I do have a right to, and that my story and voice have value. I do know people are going through a lot here, and hope to read more when I am feeling better, but I think now I just need to know someone is listening.

That last poem I shared above, was about where my friend killed himself, and since I couldn't save him, because he didn't come to me or trust me enough to do so, I wanted to follow him on his last trek through the woods, where we think he died, and try to understand what he was going through, and it was about how I tried to be with him in spirit, and that he will always be in my heart.

I know my poems are cheesy, which is funny because most of my personality is serious or crude, or cynical, or sarcastic, but my tender side is so cheesy, I guess because it means a lot to me. I find it slightly embarrassing, I guess because I am a guy, but I also like that about myself.

Speaking of which, I wrote this next poem, which is about how my friend never reached out to me for help, or got any serious mental health treatment, and kept most of it to himself. I've developed a lot of wisdom, from working through my own issues over the years, and emotionally supported people before, most successfully, in less involved relationships, as my codependency kicks up in more intense ones, and I tend to get involved with the wrong people.

So, this poem is about how his shame about being vulnerable as a man, and crying, and opening up to people, prevented him from getting the help he needed, and prevented him from dealing with his own emotions, as he had a lot of insecurities on that front. And even though logically, I know that vulnerability is a strength with many benefits, I've felt the same so many times, because I've had so many women reject my vulnerable, crying side, because of their own prejudices, both in a sexual context, romantic, and even just casually, it can feel like you're fighting the whole world sometimes, to feel like you have permission to cry, and feeling temporarily weakened, as a guy, and it's so stifling. That being said, I know men have a right to it too, which is why I am opening up about it.

It's a complicated topic with women's issues with men being part of it, and other men treating men poorly too, but I have definitely been most affected by women about it. I don't hate women, and in fact get along better with them, because I feel like socially, they tend to communicate better, and I tend to be good at communicating too, but sometimes I get very disappointed in how many women tend to react to any vulnerabilities I may have, and it's kind of exhausting to stick up for myself about it, or keep trying different women, in order to find ones who will treat me the way I want to be treated. At the end of the day, I try to validate myself about it, but it's still kind of isolating sometimes.

Also, the poem is about how he threw a Hail Mary to try to do a bunch of nice things for his family, instead of help himself at the end, which sounds sweet, but it's really codependent, and poor prioritization, even though I know some of it, he did for his own peace of mind.

Here is this poem:

The ferns stood in front of your eyes
Couldn't see how the jungle, was full of life
And the panthers and the chimps were your friends
But you just heard empty echoes, in your priso-den

You marked the days on your dark cave wall
Don't know, if you were counting up the days you starved
Or counting down, to the end of your meat on bone
You never told your friends, you stayed all alone

Water dripped down, the stalagmite peaks
Into your crusted mouth, lost your will to scream

Your well thought out, dumb-dumb caveman ways
Prevented you from asking, for a helping paw
So you laid upon the slab, of icecold rocks
Begging for nothing, as your hunger gnawed

You thought of the creatures, you called your friends
And set out to the jungle, near the drinking pond
You were so silent, as you crawled on dirt
They listened for you, to grunt and pound your chest
But all they found, was the corpse of their dumb-dumb caveman friend

You figured you could feed them, but they all just cried
In animal dialects, they expressed, that you'd died
They wouldn't feast on your body, so it went to waste
Their affections, prevented them from having a taste

And as the animals wondered with your gift of cuts
They looked at their fruit baskets, meat and nuts
And thought of what could have been
Had you spent your final energy on yourself
And asked your friends for their abundant help

So they cleaned up your blood on the grassy pond shore
Defeated by you, they resinged their hearts
The shreds we call memories, were all that were left
Of their beloved dumb-dumb caveman friend

« Last Edit: March 30, 2023, 11:57:14 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
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