How to explain it to others

[Totally_Anon]

I separated from my exwdBPD last year and those around me seem to have a good grasp of the situation I was in and have totally supported my decision to leave the relationship without questioning it. Some had even witnessed some of the episodes.

I have really struggled to come to terms with the end of my marriage and have found myself constantly questioning if I made the right decision, was it really as bad as I thought it was, was I selfish for not continuing to care for him etc. However this has improved and I continue to work on the cognitive dissonance and learning to see my life for what it was not what I wanted it to be.

Recently I shared the situation with a colleague who I know rather well, but up until this point had only shared the basics of the situation, and I was shocked at the response I got. Last year in the following months I made a comment about how if I put a higher reserve on our family home at auction then maybe it wouldn't sell and I could negotiate to stay in it. He accused me of being unkind.
When I said that while it wasn't my ex's fault that he had BPD, it is still his responsibility and that I couldn't forever be responsible for ex's medications (he constantly forgot to take, reorder and even took himself off his mood stabilisers). This colleague disagreed with me saying that people with mental illness have no insight and need support.

To be fair I have only share about my ex's self harm attempts and left out some of the physical abuse I have been subjected to but my question is how do you get others to understand what it is like to be in a long term relationship with someone with BPD (undiagnosed at the time, was diagnosed afterwards) and to understand how much of a toll it can take on you and affect your own mental health if you choose to stay and care for that person.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Totally Anon,

Well, from my experience it's really hard to get others to understand, because the entire relationship is so complex that it takes even us to research heavily to understand it, and we've been through it! Also, infantilizing adults, doesn't help them help themselves.

Ordering medications isn't a hard process, and the person you talked to saying you should infantilize him, isn't good for you or your ex who has BPD. My guess is he sees people with mental illness as completely incompetent, and/or he has some sort of savior complex or wants to appear as saintly. Personally I wouldn't worry about it, sounds like the colleague is kind of off in his thinking, not just not understanding BPD.

[Turkish]

This colleague disagreed with me saying that people with mental illness have no insight and need support.

Maybe there's a truth to that, but that's a wide and undefined target. People believe what they believe. I wouldn't look for validation from such.

A few years ago, I talked at length on the phone with my mom's former neighbor who I deemed my mom's Frienemy. She actually cried in frustration both from how my mom treated her and frustrated by my mom being nice but still acting like the person with BPD, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and Hoarding that my mom was. Then she laid into me, swearing at me because she couldn't  believe what I was saying, "but she's your mother!" And for a while I thought I was comforting her!

Be careful with whom you share, and don't expect others to see the same as you do. They didn't go through it as you did after all.