I need help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today has been a really hard day. I have finally taken the decision to cut contact with ex BPD partner. It has been really tough because while I was blocking her email I came across an old email from 2 years ago in which she said how much she loved me, that she could not wait to marry me and she thanked me for all the things I was doing for her and that I was the love of her life. In this email she also said how she was getting better thanks to me because I was always there to supporter without judgment (she was diagnosed with PTSD). Seeing this email really triggered me and I started to miss her again and wondering again how could she go from loving me that much to just not having any feelings at all. I know why but I can't seem to fully accept it. I have hope that she will get back to that stage and I know it is not realistic of me but I can't help it. I have been reading a few topic here and I can't help thinking that she is different because even though she had shown symptoms of BPD in our relationship, we stayed 5 years together and it was not chaotic at all. The main symptoms were her fear of abandonment and her constant need to see me (I think because the lack of object constancy). Whenever we were not together she would also have these ideas of me not wanting her to be happy or not wanting her to have friends but this disappeared when we would see each other again. She was engaging in really chaotic friendships but our relationship was not chaotic. So now I am thinking that she is somehow different and that maybe at some point she will realise that she wants to get better and that she still loves me. I know this is pathetic and I know that this will not happen, she's cheated on me and is already in another relationship but I just can't accept that it's over just like that.

[Emma12]

Today has been a really hard day. I have finally taken the decision to cut contact with ex BPD partner. It has been really tough because while I was blocking her email I came across an old email from 2 years ago in which she said how much she loved me, that she could not wait to marry me and she thanked me for all the things I was doing for her and that I was the love of her life. In this email she also said how she was getting better thanks to me because I was always there to supporter without judgment (she was diagnosed with PTSD). Seeing this email really triggered me and I started to miss her again and wondering again how could she go from loving me that much to just not having any feelings at all. I know why but I can't seem to fully accept it. I have hope that she will get back to that stage and I know it is not realistic of me but I can't help it. I have been reading a few topic here and I can't help thinking that she is different because even though she had shown symptoms of BPD in our relationship, we stayed 5 years together and it was not chaotic at all. The main symptoms were her fear of abandonment and her constant need to see me (I think because the lack of object constancy). Whenever we were not together she would also have these ideas of me not wanting her to be happy or not wanting her to have friends but this disappeared when we would see each other again. She was engaging in really chaotic friendships but our relationship was not chaotic. So now I am thinking that she is somehow different and that maybe at some point she will realise that she wants to get better and that she still loves me. I know this is pathetic and I know that this will not happen, she's cheated on me and is already in another relationship but I just can't accept that it's over just like that.

[cranmango]

Hi Emma—you’re not alone. Being hit with those reminders is always tough. I am still in contact with my ex because we work together. But I got rid of all reminders of our relationship (photos, emails, gifts, etc). It helped me create some mental distance from that chapter of my life. But gosh, it was hard.

You are grieving. Give yourself time to feel those emotions when they pop up, and work through it. Grief takes time, but it doesn’t go on forever. You will keep growing stronger every time you cope with a grief wave.

And please try to give yourself some grace. You are not pathetic for hoping your ex has a change of heart. That’s normal. It’s a sign that you love deeply, and a part of you still cares about them.

And I’ve been there! My ex did have a change of heart after each of the first three breakups. She never apologized for anything, never took accountability. She never worked on herself or tried to change her behavior. Each time we reconciled, I was so certain that things would be different. Because I kept working on my half of the equation. And each time, we fell into the same dynamic and ended up in the same place. Because her half of the equation was still the same.

That part of me is still there. Hoping she will ‘hit bottom,’ grow up a bit, take treatment seriously, get sober, and make amends. I think I will always be rooting for her. But at least for now, I’ve had to let her go.

[Emma12]

Thank you for your reply cranmango! It makes me feel better to know that I am not the only one who goes through all this. It's just really hard getting over things. I think maybe because I am moving out of the flat that we have lived in for three years now. I will move at the end of the week and I am getting really anxious about moving because she has been living with the woman she cheated on and I have not see her in month. I feel like I am leaving my own flat like a thief in the night. I am also scared of anxious because I know I will never see her anymore ever again or have news and it's my own choice because I think that's the best thing for me to do in order to move on. But it's also super scary to know that I will never see her ever again.

I do want her to realise that she made a mistake and come back but at the same time I know that will not happen or if it does it will never be in the way that I want to to be. She refuses to take treatment and get sober as well. And just like you I am hoping that she will "hit bottom" and decide to take treatment but I know that this is not likely to happen. I don't want to get hurt any more than I already have been because I don't think I could take it. This is why I try to resist the constant urge to reach out to her but this is so hard.

Thank you for sharing your story.   

[cranmango]

Hi Emma—you are being brave. You are facing a really scary and uncertain situation with courage.

Remember that NC is for you. It’s a way to create a buffer so that you can start to heal. It’s really, really hard. Keep taking it one day at a time, one moment at a time. And it doesn’t have to be forever, that is up to you. Blocking your ex makes sense right now, it will help you get through this current moment and start to heal. You don’t have to solve ‘forever’ all at once—you just have to get through today.

I hope the move goes smoothly. How are you feeling about the new place?