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Author Topic: I’ve worked through so much suffering in my life, and I am truly humbled.  (Read 1087 times)
NarcsEverywhere
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« on: June 01, 2023, 08:06:49 PM »

When my friend committed suicide, or when my Mom or Grandma or dog died, I shed so many tears, suffered so much, when I broke up with my BPDexGF, that one was torture, with severe disassociation, and feeling worthless, this time I am just overwhelmed. Part of me wishes I wasn’t such a curious person to have realized it all so quick.

Back to how to cope. I journaled a lot and paced and punched pillows and cussed, for maybe 6 hours over 2 days, until I got a pit in my stomach and trauma coming up to the point of overwhelm, and I called a crisis line and she basically told me to work through it slower and go exercise to burn off anger. I’m realizing that I need to sleep less like I did before, can’t work through this fast, even though I get frustrated with it. FOO issues take a lot of time to get through, and I can’t rush this, and need to stay more active, god this is hard.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2023, 09:23:11 PM »

Hey mods, what resources do you think would be best for my situation that this site has to offer? I feel like a lot of things don’t quite fit me because my situation is unique. Anyways I’ll scour the site soon either way and see if I can figure it out myself, but a sense of direction might help me find it faster. If you have any suggestions I’d appreciate it.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2023, 01:31:21 AM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
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« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2023, 10:05:17 PM »

I recently had a PhD Psychologist ask me what "FOO" meant.

That's when I knew it wasn't going to work between us. [skull_emoji]
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2023, 11:33:35 PM »

Ha, yeah, I always put off my FOO issues because life felt too hard to get to it, but I’ve journaled many times about my childhood, and worked through a lot of it, it’s honestly hard to know what I did and didn’t work through yet, either way, the full story is so shocking to me.

Yeah, definitely don’t want that guy, ha!
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #4 on: June 02, 2023, 04:48:31 AM »

Hey Narcs,

You mention curiosity, did something particular happen to put you in that state or trauma resurfacing?
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #5 on: June 02, 2023, 07:03:10 AM »

Friend killed himself, hadn't talked to him for 3 years, because me and my other friend had a falling out for complicated reasons (gonna try to simplify this). I knew him since I was like 15, so for over 20 years. The friend who lives with him ghosts me, probably because I get super emotional and hammer him about it, but his way of dealing with it is to move, only care about talking about himself and trivial stuff, so I feel conflicted. I feel guilty towards the friend who killed himself, because I was rude to him one time (rarely was like this), and because I didn't see how miserable he was. (a lot of it he hid, but some stuff I didn't see, because I rarely saw him and the out of character behavior didn't add up.

I feel devastated, but I'm grief journaling to my friend, I know I can work through it, but I feel lonely, and kind of indebted to my friend, and me and his mom end up hitting it off and connecting very closely. She's always the one who escalates affections, and it borders on a romantic relationship, with pretty inappropriate language, which I kind of ignore, and treat as a friendship. I truly show her tons of patience, but I also get needy and cross her boundaries sometimes, but otherwise am probably overly thoughtful, probably because she bread crumbs me, and has seriously confusing behavior. I show extreme patience because of the fact that it seems like a delicate situation. I end up chasing after the friend who lived with him a bit. I guess I did feel a lot of extra pressure to be there for his mom, and my friend, because I had a lot of wisdom and love and patience, and I thought I could help them both heal, and because my guilt, caused me to want to do it to honor my friends memory, to make amends.

Anyways, I did nag her too much, so I'm not gonna lie there, and she acted like I was a burden, ghosts me. Because I got intimate with her, like more than I had in years, and it seemed somewhat successful, I think it's time for me to look for closer friendships, and because I feel hurt by her ghosting me and vulnerable from my friends suicide. I end up friends with a girl, lets call her "fling lady", as this is a friendship, with some sexual tones to it. She's crazy, so before this I very casually talked to her, and kept my distance, but she kept saying I was nice to her, whereas a lot of other people weren't, and honestly, I was, I had good intentions, and kept my distance to protect myself, but we have a lot of fun and get along, and I end up trying to rescue her, because she's got a lot of trauma, but I compromise myself pretty hard when she has odd behavior, and she even labeled herself as a Narcissist, which I ignored, because I was in too deep.

My friends mom comes back, and acts like we should return to normal, that she will respond to my messages more, etc. I feel somewhat distrustful, and see what she does. She ends up not responding. To be honest, at this point I have less to give, but I do have some to give, but she never responds as she says she will.

I'm going to finish the story later, it's too much emotionally to talk about right now.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2023, 11:48:58 AM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #6 on: June 02, 2023, 01:02:56 PM »

So, did she contact your recently and triggered the emotional event for you? When did this friend commit suicide?
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #7 on: June 02, 2023, 01:57:18 PM »

My friend killed himself like 2.5 years ago is my guess. Well, let me finish the story here, so basically I went to the memorial online, my friends mom used all the wisdom I shared and the stuff I told her to help her feel better to paint herself as some super appreciative woman (when behind the scenes she was a perpetual victim) to be popular after the memorial, discarded me, withheld important stuff like the memorial video, and acted like I didn’t matter at all. Also used stuff I told her and her to explain my friends suicide, and scapegoated the father.

Also somewhere in there when I was still talking to the mother, I had my back injured, and my Dad ran into it once, jostled it twice in the car, guilt tripped me into hurting myself when I was scared of him hurting me, and then abandoned me when I got too bossy, out of anxiety. And I got a breakdown where I could barely breath. Had my neighbor mow my lawn, since I couldn't put paid her, yet she tried to manipulate me, and suck me dry, and give me random tasks to do to suck me in, etc. I detached.

Then fling girl ends up draining me dry a day before the memorial, I rescue her, because I feel okay, after the memorial I vent a bit, and share my eulogy that I put a lot of heart into and tries to guilt trip and abuse the hell out of me, expecting me to be there for her when I’m super miserable, realize she had BPD, freak out, read up on it,
walk away. Realize my neighbor had it too, who I had been pulling back from for years. Realize my Dad is like this (Covert NPD), freak out, go in my room, become kind of paranoid because of all this stuff I realize, and then my sister gaslights me and screws with me and abandons me.

Then after analyzing, realize my friends Mom is like this too. And my other friend, who lived with the friend who did that.  So yeah, I just had all this happen so fast, never had time to process it all. It’s why it’s so difficult. But no she didn’t. I am going to try to focus on it less, but I need to process it still. Just maybe not obsessively. So I can manage it, detach from it sometimes, hopefully counseling will help. I do think that’s my best chance to heal.

Anyways, I learned my lessons from all of this, I just didn't know what was going on TBH, I knew things were screwy, and I was learning as I went from a lot of this, but then the full force of it hit me all at once.

Thanks for being interested Riv3rW0lf, sorry if I come off as rude, just been cranky the past 2 days, kinda miss chatting more casually to be honest (I mean about more light stuff, that was fun too). Trying to take care of myself and moderate, and slowly rebuild the right habits to function better, it's messy. I want to engage more when I feel better.

Edit: Sorry if I brought up some stuff that might make you uncomfortable, I don't plan on going into sorrid details or something, was just saying the gist of things.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2023, 10:02:00 AM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2023, 06:13:13 AM »

Hey Narcs ,

I wanted to take a few minutes to let you know I wasn't uncomfortable by what you wrote. I've just been busy with my chaos and I felt your post needed a more detailed answer, which I didn't have time for. So instead a rushing a bad answer, I figured I'd wait until I have it.

I honestly still don't, because both my children are currently jumping all around me, they are reading for their breakfast, which I have to go prep.

So... I am sorry you are in a bad place right now. And I am unsure how to help with it, since it seems like it's a part of you from then that "takes control"? It struck me that you are writing in the present.

Also, as a mother, the only thing I wondered about is the support circle... It's kinda like my cousin's illness. She has cancer, so my role, as a cousin and friend, is to support her, support her close family, then support her parents, etc. I never expect them to support me, because that would run counter to the support circle, which should normally be going from the exterior branches, toward the middle of the source pain...

I mean... Having children and losing one to suicide, I don't know how I could ever even me able to support someone through my own child's suicide? If that makes sense.

And I want to clarify : I have NO IDEA what happened, I wasn't there, and I don't know who she is, and I don't know if she is BPD or BPD or another PD, I have NO IDEA. But what I know, is that expecting the grieving mother to support the friend, runs counter to what I am experiencing as being the "normal grieving support system".

For example right now, when I feel grief about my cousin, I ask my H or a friend that don't do her, so I can be supported by people further away on the grief circle, and in turn support my cousin and her family.

I hope this doesn't come across as rude. It's just some thoughts I had reading your story. I get you needing support, I really do, I'm just thinking maybe there were some expectations and hope of receiving it from the wrong people, which were closer to the middle of the circle than you were, and hence completely unable to provide it.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2023, 11:40:22 AM »

I mean, I’ve thought about that many times, and I agree, and I rarely expected much, and was mostly supporting her and looking out for her, but I still think she has a PD and was misrepresenting everything and withholding simple stuff, and lying, and shifting all the blame, and all sorts of stuff. I take responsibility for my boundary issues at the time, she was just so erratic, even considering her circumstances, I’m sure it was devastating for her, that’s why I did everything in my power to help her, more patience, consideration and effort than I’ve ever given anyone to be honest. She wouldn’t give the bare minimum, like a memorial video, which she said she’d give me in a few days, I responded with a respectful and kind response, and she never responded after that. I asked for the letter my friend wrote to his Dad about how he was some terrible father, and she mentioned it, but didn’t give it to me. It’s like she’d want me to double ask for those things, to get me to chase, seems like withholding and so weird to me otherwise.

But every time I go over it, it never adds up otherwise, especially considering her son and his father were hardcore codependent, she ended up with this younger, drunk nice pot head, when she appeared responsible, she mostly bragged about her daughters and made them perpetual victims. One of the hardest things for me is if I am correct, then it’s like she cheapened his memory, and cheapened the friendship we had. I loved her very deeply, and it’s confusing and hurts a lot. I appear selfish sounding about it, because I feel like it was a lie. And most of the way through, I blamed myself mostly.

But yes, I suppose me not having any sort of healthy support system myself added to the dysfunction. I dealt with as much of it on my own as I could, through all my journaling, counselor and poems, and put her first after that, definitely put her first more than was healthy as time went on, but I stayed close for myself, for her and to explore my friends death as much as it felt warranted.

There definitely times where I didn’t reciprocate myself, or was stand offish, but it was rare, it’s confusing to me, but my version makes the most sense to me, and if I trusted her, I’d have tried talk to her to figure it all out. She never was willing to contact me first, even when I said I needed that sometimes, and she said she wanted to be forever friends, it doesn’t add up to me. Yeah, went over the e-mails and basically her words looked great.

Her actions:
Scapegoat the father
Convince her daughter that her son was mostly just bullied, which I'm the only one who mentioned that as a possibility.
Say she's going to give me the memorial video in a few days, and not doing it
Says she's fine with the poems I give her, but sometimes they are hard for her, and that she's going to read them after the memorial, never did. Called her attempts at writing trash (sounds like a guilt trip to me).
Forever friend/not responding
Can't send me messages first, expects me to chase after her, when I don't, she withholds, even when I ask her to do that
I talk about how grateful I am that even though my friend died, I had her as a friend, she uses that as something she says about everyone at the memorial, which I wouldn't think nothing of, but she also pandered to me by mentioning his beanie, which I always talked about not her. And I asked not to talk at the memorial, and right off the bat, she tries to get me to talk.
Say's she's going on vacation after the memorial and acts like she is doing well, while also ghosting me.

It's just a lot of disregard of everything I want and ask for, and a lot of withholding, and some pandering, it doesn't make sense, and now I am pissed again, but I knew that was coming if I dived into this, and I don't blame you, but just know how hard this is for me to talk about, even though I am glad I can talk about it, and I want my perspective to be able to withstand some scrutiny.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2023, 02:44:39 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2023, 02:14:04 PM »

Anyways, I know you probably thought I had ulterior motives when I said you were an important friend to me, when talking about your own issues, that's just not true, I felt crappy, and it might have seemed codependent to talk, but I feel crappy a lot, and when I sat down to read and write to you, I thought "I wanna invest in this" and I related.

Also was glad your husband came home and your Dad came and you felt some normalcy and felt better. I don't expect you to codependent me or something, I get this vibe where you think you have to rescue me. I only said sorry/probed if something bothered you, as I know some people wouldn't be comfortable with me bringing up "fling girl" like I did. I'm not a victim. I just like our friendship and yes, I have a lot of issues right now. But I'll find ways to cope when you don't have much to give. Sometimes I feel needy, and clingy, but I try not to respond to it, even though sometimes it's torture, a lot of that is because I need to branch out more and what I am going through. It's good when I can break free and find other ways to cope, even though it sucks too! I'd like to show an interest in your perspectives and music and interests more, but my bandwidth isn't the greatest, to be able to do that, and trying to reconnect to my own stuff right now, which is kind of a struggle. And yeah, I just ranted and spilled it out, but I hope it helps our friendship. You take care, hope you have a good day.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2023, 02:34:02 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2023, 05:01:26 PM »

Anyways, I know you probably thought I had ulterior motives when I said you were an important friend to me ...

...I get this vibe where you think you have to rescue me.


Those are two interesting takes. What makes you say that?
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2023, 05:26:10 PM »

Oh, you seemed stand offish when I said that and said basically you can’t help me, when I never asked for help there. I just feel like you feel obligated a lot lately, and I don’t need or want that. And probably have some trust issues with me, you’re allowed to have both of those things. Feel free to take a break from this friendship if you need, I know you’ve got a lot going on.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #13 on: June 04, 2023, 05:48:36 PM »

Ho well, I am french. For me, in terms of wording, help and support are close to each other. And this is a support forum. I have used those kind of sentences a lot with many people on here in the past and even recently : "I am not sure if this will help, but..." To me, wanting to save someone is a whole other thing that I simply don't engage in anymore.

I currently feel you need to be reassured, somehow, but I am unsure about what and why. And so, I'd like to turn the mirror back on you and the mind reading you are doing here.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #14 on: June 04, 2023, 07:34:26 PM »

I mean, it’s true, I’ve not probed, but I feel insecure because I’ve put a ton cards on the table here, with saying that you were and important friend to me, opening up about super vulnerable stuff, and then saying how I felt, my hopes for our friendship, and my limitations and struggles, and I’ve even tried to be understanding despite all of this. and you’ve kind of been probing me with suspicion in my opinion, and stand offish, I don’t want reassurance anymore, I want a break from this, because I can’t open my heart this much, and get the cold shoulder.

Either way, we’re both going through a lot and I need a break, this isn’t working right now.
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #15 on: June 05, 2023, 06:06:40 PM »

Of course. Whatever you need to feel comfortable.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #16 on: June 05, 2023, 06:57:00 PM »

I'm going to write a letter to you, but I really need to send it and deal with it after my appointment on Wednesday, so either Wednesday or Thursday, I plan on giving it to you, via messages if you're okay with that, don't want to put it on here. Until then I am going to try to give us both space, because I think it's best for us. Is this good with you?
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Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2023, 05:54:57 AM »

I have given it some thoughts, and no I am not comfortable with this proposition.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2023, 05:59:25 AM »

So you’d prefer I post it here then? What is your issue with this proposition? Don’t want to speak in messages?

Edit: Okay well, I wrote this thoughtful, heartfelt letter, it’s not like inappropriate or something in my book, but I’m sure it’d be uncomfortable, but maybe cathartic too. So if you wanna talk, I’ve got it ready if you want it. I’m trying to do what I can here, I want to be your friend, but it needs to work for the both of us, what do you want?
« Last Edit: June 06, 2023, 11:31:17 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #19 on: June 07, 2023, 04:49:59 AM »

I am sure giving me this letter would be very cathartic for you, but I am not comfortable receiving nor reading it.

I've seen signals, over the past few days, that you and I do not have the same idea of what friendship is, and I don't think I can offer you what you want. I said I would try to be a virtual friend to you, even though I felt this could make things worst for you, I own that, I wanted to offer you some kind of support through your current struggles. But, I have to be honest : I am not interested in a relationship where I cannot disagree and be myself, without being called out for "giving the cold shoulder", "probing" and "having trust issues". This is not who I am, and I don't want to be defined this way.

It feels like you are convinced those are all true, and in a sense, I guess we could say they are true to you, but they were not what I experienced.

I also wanted to point out that no one here is narcissistic, and no one here acts like they know better. Everyone is incredibly supportive and easy going and thoughtful, with plenty of wisdom to offer. I truly hope you feel better and things work out for you.
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NarcsEverywhere
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« Reply #20 on: June 07, 2023, 05:17:06 AM »

I mean, I like you, a lot of the letter is about my own anxieties and what I like about you. I do read into things sometimes, but that’s because I think about things a lot, and although I am not psychic, I’ve often been correct. You were distant and unresponsive, the reasons of which I can’t know for sure.
 
Maybe I’m not an easy person to work with, because of my issues, but I just think a friendship requires more work than getting into a fight and then giving up. Sometimes it’s messy, especially at first, that’s how you work things out. You made a huge impact on me and I’m sure this will be devastating to me.

But it’s your life. I’ll find a way through it. If there’s any one thing that I’ll take from this friendship, it’s that I can still open my heart, and get hurt, and survive, even under the fog of trauma, that I can still try to connect, and that there’s still people who care, even when I’m not at my best. Good luck in life then. I can’t force someone to keep trying.

Edit: Also it’s like, if I make a mistake and discuss things, and you share your side, then I am willing to own up to it and try to correct it, if I make a mistake. I tend to be an honest person and that means I try to be fair. I don’t think you’re defined by your flaws, even if one got in the way of our friendship. But the fact that I am fair, might also mean it’s difficult sometimes because I’m not gonna sugar coat things if I feel it’s damaging me or our friendship. I want to be kind, but I also want to grow with my friend. But I assure you, I’m not trying to hurt you. Also I live in an environment and vulnerable situation that requires me to guess more, because there is so much dishonesty, and because I’m already so hurt that being Pollyanna about things is far too risky.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2023, 12:10:12 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
Riv3rW0lf
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« Reply #21 on: June 07, 2023, 04:38:47 PM »


I don’t think you’re defined by your flaws, even if one got in the way of our friendship.


I do not feel well completely ghosting you, and so I will say this : no flaw of mine got "in the way" of our friendship and this is exactly the kind of signals I am talking about. You don't get to say those things to me because I disagreed with you, and offered an alternate viewpoint to your story. You are welcome to disagree with my assessment and remain true to your truth, but you don't get to make me double guess myself because I didn't answer fast enough, or offered exactly what you were expecting from me. I will not engage anymore on this subject. This is an open support forum, and I tried to be supportive, and I am grateful for the support you also were able to provide. Let's leave it at that.
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« Reply #22 on: June 07, 2023, 05:42:32 PM »

Nah, I was just saying we all make mistakes and I offered plenty of possibilities in the letter, I asked questions. Okay, well I really feel you are not trying to figure things out, and I just don’t trust your intentions at this point, but you’re allowed to be done with our friendship and want me to leave you alone on the forums, I will respect that, peace.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2023, 06:24:58 PM by NarcsEverywhere » Logged
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