Introduction post: Struggling to hang in there while my pwBPD gets help

[yellowwallpaper]

Hello, everyone! I am new here. I read a lot of the articles and helpful advice on this forum already, so I felt it was time to share my situation.

My partner and I have been together just over two years, and we have a wonderful child together. My partner is one of the most unique, interesting people I've ever met. He is passionate, enthusiastic, and caring. Initially, our relationship was filled with a lot of love, laughter, and kindness. However, with the birth of our child, my partner began to change. The stress of being a new parent was unmanageable, and it turned into anger. My partner has never physically hurt me, but he says very hurtful things and generally goes into a rage when upset. I was raised in a home with domestic violence and abuse, so my initial reaction to this anger was to get very quiet and cry. Now, I am better at staying calm, setting boundaries, and getting away from my partner when he's angry. I'm not perfect, but I have improved a lot. It's still very taxing on me. Talk about healing childhood wounds in a trial by fire.

We only recently learned (within the last couple of months) that my partner has BPD. I have read several books and other resources on the topic, and I now better understand what he's going through, how to respond, and what role I play in disagreements. He is working on getting set up with a therapist that specializes in DBT, and he's hoping to talk to a doctor in August about meds that may be helpful. He has spent a bit of time listening to DBT podcasts, but not a lot. I can see that he is trying, but the stress of it all means he is almost constantly dysregulated and irritated. He is particularly triggered by the idea that something is wrong with him or that he has done horrible things to people.

I am doing my best to stay supportive of my partner during this period, but it has been extremely rough. My partner is no longer loving towards me; he is either raging angry, irritated, or neutral. I feel unappreciated for my decision to stand with my partner and support him while he tries to get help. My partner shows ample love to our child, but turns cold when he sees me walk into a room. My partner is unable to talk about our relationship or his BPD without getting angry, so we don't talk about it outside of our couple's therapist, who we see every two weeks. So, for an hour every two weeks, we are able to communicate, but then it turns back into anger or silence. Some of the techniques I've learned through my studies (validate, validate, validate) have helped calm him during explosions, but sometimes they have the reverse effect-- he sees my validation as manipulative, like I'm trying to control him. I try not to take it personally, but being the primary target of his anger (while also being the primary person showing him support and forgiveness) is so hard. I am struggling. I feel alone, and I know he doesn't have the capacity to be here for me right now. I haven't been as honest with my friends about the situation as I used to be; they think I should leave, as he has said some truly awful things to me, and they don't want to see me suffer.

What I'm looking for with this post is just some support, compassion, and perhaps some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. My partner is taking the steps he needs to get help; I just hope that I can hang in there until the help arrives and starts to make a difference.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It's good to hear you've done some research, meeting with a therapist, and looking to get on top of things. There are lots of success stories here on the boards, so feel free to read through some.

What limits / boundaries do you have to protect yourself? If my uBPD wife starts to dysregulate and says mean things, I first ask her to be gentle and if it continues, then I say I need an hour to myself to calm down and simply exit the room.

For books, I found helpful Stop Walking on Eggshells and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

Keep in touch with your support network of family and friends. Be gentle on yourself.

[yellowwallpaper]

Thank you for replying and for the welcome!

The specific word "gentle" seems smart. I will try that with my partner. Thank you for sharing your approach.

For me right now, my boundaries around my partner's anger are as follows: if he begins to say hurtful words or his anger becomes too heated (very raised voice, aggressive hand movements, potentially slamming doors), I'll announce that, if it continues, I'll leave the room. This has overall worked for me, with the only hiccup being when we're in the car or somewhere else I can't get away. In those situations, I am a bit trapped until I can return home.

I think the area I'm most struggling is that there's very little warmth or romantic effort outside of the rage episodes. I do believe he loves me, but perhaps is struggling deeply with shame and guilt for how he's treated me? I'm not sure, as he won't talk with me. I'm hoping it's something he's able to explore in individual therapy.

I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, but not Stop Caretaking. I'll check that one out, thank you.