Trying to reconcile

[Huntinfool123]

Hey family!

When the non-BPD (me) wants to reconcile but the uBPD (wife, who has moved into her parents) claims she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, should we leave them alone or continue reaching out in hopes of trying to work it out?  

We work together so NC is not possible and this hurts so bad!

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Huntinfool123 and welcome 

Just to make sure I'm tracking with you:

When the non-BPD wants to reconcile but the uBPD claims they don't, should we leave them alone or continue trying to work it out?  We work together so NC is not possible and this hurts so bad!

Does the "they" up there refer to the non, or to the pwBPD?

I.e., is your situation that you want to reconcile, but your pwBPD doesn't?

Or, that you want to reconcile, but your pwBPD claims that YOU don't want to reconcile?

[Huntinfool123]

Hi Huntinfool123 and welcome  

Just to make sure I'm tracking with you:

Does the "they" up there refer to the non, or to the pwBPD?

I.e., is your situation that you want to reconcile, but your pwBPD doesn't?

Or, that you want to reconcile, but your pwBPD claims that YOU don't want to reconcile?

Thanks for the response Kells76.  I have updated the post for better clarification.

I want to reconcile and my BPD wife does not.  For 27 Years we have had a rocky relationship and have always reconciled in the past.  This time, she seems to be different.  

In the past, I have done far worse things and she always found it in her heart to "forgive me".  This time, she sensed I was upset and I didn't want to talk about it.  She kept pushing and I don't feel I said anything to warrant her change in direction.  Therefore, I feel like I don't have much to apologize for like I have in the past.

I suspect this may be motivated by her running up a bunch of debt without my knowledge and she is so stressed about it she blames me and wants to sell our dream home to pay it off, but of course she won't admit any of that.

Usually after a week or so, the splitting and painting me black would subside to a degree. I have tried to contact her and it seems everything that I say gets taken out of context, used against me and she is extremely brutal with her words.  The lying seems to progressing as well.

At this point should I to go low contact (just the necessary conversations, work, house, children).  With me trying to make things better it seems to be making problems worse.  Has anyone had a similar experience?  Any advise?

It appears that divorce is imminent, but again I have felt this way before.

[Huntinfool123]

I am using this thread as a journal.

Here we are 10 days after she left.  This week started off with her very upset with me.  She came and got more of her clothes that were in her closet and said she'd be back the next day to get the rest of her clothes, she has yet to come back for them since.  It feels like she is using getting her stuff as a way to hurt me.  Not certain but she only says it when she upset.

We have texted and talked and she is now no longer as upset, actually being nicer than she has been in a while.  She is still wanting to move forward with separation.  She came by the house yesterday because my daughter needed to grab something from her room. My wife an I talked for about 15 minutes and she actually shed a tear and gave me a hug.  However, she made sure my daughter couldn't see her give me a hug by looking around for her first.  Thought that was odd, why would my daughter care.  What is my wife telling her?  I just feel there could be potential for her trying to tell my girls and her parents her perspective of what happened, which is most likely not consistent with the truth (not uncommon with her).

I expressed to her how this is difficult for me and how it seemed it wasn't for her.  I mentioned maybe it was because I was alone and she has her parents and our daughters as support.  I offered that maybe we could go to CT and how I wish we could make it work.  She called me later that day and offered to go to counseling together to work through the divorce.  I said, unless we have the goal to work on our relationship we should go to our own T's for that.  Is it just me or was that odd?  I am wondering if that was her being supportive or was it a was it a way to say she would go to CT, but doesn't want to admit it could be for reconciliation?  It could be that she is just trying to let me down easy as well.

Today was a little better.  I have been reading / listening to self help videos for those who are trying to understand a BPD break up.  This is helping me to accept the separation.  In reflection there are so many things I shouldn't have to endure in this relationship.  Relationships shouldn't be so one sided, I should be able to express my thoughts and feelings without having to walk on eggshells, I should be getting the truth, not constant lying, her impulsive spending behind my back, as I have I have for so many years.

If anyone who is in a similar situation I recommend a Youtuber named Melanie Amadine.  The videos I have watched of hers so far are explaining many aspects of how a BPD thinks, what to expect and what not to expect in my current situation.  I am still thinking of my W a lot but it seems the "craving' of her is subsiding a bit at least for today. 

Hopefully tomorrow will be a slightly better day and I don't regress. Baby steps.