How to Implement Boundaries for Minor Physical Conflicts

[holdingspace]

Hello,
This is my first time posting. I have been seeing an individual's therapist for 8+ months now, and read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" when he suggested that my wife exhibits BPD-like behaviors. I found the book to be very helpful, but I am wondering if any men have experience with implementing boundaries with their wives when they resort to minor forms of physical abuse during conflicts (a slap on the cheek, or even just touch that would be fine in another context but might be unwanted in the context of the conflict, e.g. sitting on my lap and refusing to get off when asked). They seem like minor enough things that I don't want to implement a huge boundary like leaving, but they are frustrating enough and hurtful enough that I do not want it to continue.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi holdingspace and welcome  glad you found us and are getting support.

You're definitely among others who understand what it's like to be a man in a relationship with a woman who uses physical abuse. Many members here have had female partners who: block exits, slap, throw things, punch, beat on / break open doors, punch walls, break items, shove, scratch, and do other physically abusive acts.

It's good to hear you're seeing an individual T. Has he had any feedback so far of what to try when your W is abusive like that? I'm assuming you've already tried verbal ways to get out of the situation -- if so, how did your W respond?

You're being smart to talk through how to thread the needle of not accepting her treatment of you, with keeping yourself safe and doing what's feasible in the moment. Some pwBPD "seem to" set up or construct situations (whether they mean to or not, in a way doesn't matter) where for you to get out, you "have to" do something physical back -- i.e., using her body to block an exit, so you "have to" move her arm... and then she claims "you're the abuser". It takes thought and planning and support to make sure that you don't receive abuse and also are safe from false accusations.

I just want you to know that you don't have to justify your needs to us here  Sometimes we downplay what we need as "it shouldn't be a big deal", like "other people can handle it" so I shouldn't need boundaries about it. No justification is needed -- if it isn't working for you, it isn't working for you, and that's reality It doesn't matter whether to others it'd seem like "minor things", you're important and if a dynamic isn't okay in your relationship, it's fine to work with that here. We get it, for sure.

Hope to hear back from you, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Cat Familiar]

I’lll echo Kells’s reply and add—any unwanted physical contact is ABUSE. My concern is that with people with BPD, minor abuse, whether physical, verbal, emotional, can easily escalate. The danger for men is that when it does, even if you are blameless, perhaps holding her wrist to keep her from punching you, should the authorities be called, YOU will be easily perceived as the aggressor.

Check out this article: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder-and-physical-abuse

[holdingspace]

Thanks for your replies. I have experienced all of that behavior from my wife in the past. It will sometimes clear up for a few months, but never seems to be totally gone.
I have tried verbal ways to get out of these situations, but in the context of a conflict, she does not respond to my requests and just continues to try to control/manipulate. The only advice I have received from therapists has been to take a break from conflicts when they get intense and try to  agree on a time to schedule a discussion about the conflict when we will both be regulated. But that does not typically work because she feels rejected/abandoned if I say I am taking a break, even if I say that I am coming back. In a recent conflict, she blocked me from leaving when I said that I was going to leave the house for 30 minutes to take a break. I could have pushed past her, but I have learned not to touch her in these situations, because I know it will escalate the situation. If I do leave, she will follow me to my car and get in with me so I can't leave. I am baffled about how to handle this. It feels like she is preventing me from meeting my needs and demanding that I meet hers when I am unable to do so.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Ok - same thing was happening to me, and it doesn’t happen anymore.  It was hard and gut wrenching, but I had to put down the hard boundary.  It took planning and timing to do it right.  When she was in a really good and happy mood, I ambushed her and told her that I need her to not physically restrain me, or block me in a room.  I cannot accept it and it does not make me feel safe.  I got her commitment to not do it, and also I now do not put myself in compromising locations when I feel a fight coming on.  She is also in a lot of counseling and her counselor backed me up on that one that it shouldn’t be done.  She was angry that I ambushed her like that, but it prevented a huge fight because she couldn’t adjust her emotions that fast from happy to angry.  She was just shocked, and agreed.  It was later that she ruminated on what had happened and she complained, but there was no yelling involved.

[waverider]

Sometimes this behaviour is a sign of escalation of something that should have had a boundary applied earlier. ie your reluctance to leave. Leaving is your only true boundary, all others are usually an attempt to get her to change, that is not a boundary. Boundaries are not about behaviour modification.

There is "Hard leaving" which is in effect emergency leaving, and there is "Soft leaving" which is more diplomatic "having something to do elsewhere" to prevent a potential issue developing. Good to always have a back up list of things to do elsewhere that you can pull out when things just get a smell of being off. Doing this often normalises it and so is less triggering. Having this list of useful things also helps you not stew on things by walking around the park muttering to yourself like a madman, or sitting in the car banging the steering wheel..yep we've all been there

If you have to leave without the car, because she is sitting in it, so be it.