Spouse with BPD

[JNav]

Hello,

I found this site and am seeking some advice.  My wife was diagnosed with BPD 19 years ago by a therapist that we were seeing together and separately.  The therapist told me my wife was BPD and that if she (my wife) was told of the diagnosis she would stop the therapy all together.  So for the last 19 years I have been living with this knowledge and been the object of her BPD rage episodes on an almost weekly basis. 

We have two grown children (23 and 19) and they have felt the effects of her BPD rage episodes.  Both moved out before they graduated high school and don't have a close relationship with her.

I grew up in a very stable house hold where (I can say with 100% honesty) I never saw my parents disagree with one another, close family, and unconditional love. My wife grew up in a divorced house hold and bounced back and forth between her father and mother's homes.  She dropped out of high school, emancipated herself at 16, and had several abortions before she was 17.  To say the lease, complete polar opposite upbringings.

We have been going to couples counseling, off and on, for our entire marriage.  We will go for a couple of weeks and then she decides that it is not worth her time to go back. Everything levels out for time and then the BPD rage episodes reoccur. 

I am just looking for some advice on how to help her and some private conversation.

I love her with all that I am and do not want to lose her.

Thanks.

JNav

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey JNav, glad you found your way to the group! You're among members here who really understand what you've been through. Over two decades of marriage is a long time; it makes sense that despite the "roller coaster", you have reasons you want to stay married.

I am just looking for some advice on how to help her and some private conversation.

Tell me a bit more about that -- am I understanding that you'd like to have a conversation with her where you share that she may have BPD? Or are you thinking of something else?

As you settle in here, make sure to take a look at our articles on when a partner/spouse has BPD. I'd be curious about which ones stood out to you.

Keep us in the loop, and again, welcome;

kells76

[gaherna3]

Hello JNav,
I am only into a 3 year relationship and 1 year of marriage with my pwBPD wife. I find it interesting that they said not to tell her because on my end she was told right away and we have her in DBT therapy. It is still the beginning stages and very rocky but I can tell in her way of acting some days that it is helping her a bit.

[understandBPD]

I agree that its interesting she hasn't been told how can anyone take responsibility and work to fix a problem if they don't even know they have it ?

You also mention she stops therapy anyway when she feels its not worth her time and for all you know perhaps she thinks you have the problem not her ?

I am like gaherna i've been married 3 years and together for 5 years total and i am certain she has a personality disorder and also certain that she believes i am entirely the problem for everything however she's had issues in her life before she even knew who i was so its impossible to pin the blame solely on me the only difference is she see's a therapist but i have no idea what is happening and we are currently separated.

So right now she's probably still undiagnosed but i've told her directly what i believe the issue is.

I am new here so i guess wait for more experienced users to give advice and take mine with a grain of salt but i would imagine having the therapist tell her she has BPD seeing how she reacts/responds to that and then saying she has to get help if she wants the marriage to keep working don't mention divorce or abandoning her just say its getting hard and taking a toll on you and you want it to improve (which is what you've asked on here)

[maxsterling]

Hello, and welcome.

I can certainly relate to what you are saying.  19 years is a long time to be dealing with this (it sounds like mostly alone).  Like you, my W and I had very different childhoods and grew up with very different perspectives on life.  I grew up much more optimistic, and she grew up with the attitude that life sucks and everything is beyond her control and out to get her.  Our kids are young, but I can already see our 6-year old daughter adopting some caretaking characteristics, and our son dealing with his emotions through anger and rage.  My prediction is that D will always try to take care of mom, while S will grow up resentful and distant from her. 

As for letting your W know of the diagnosis - try to let go of that because her knowing of the diagnosis won't change anything.  My W was diagnosed BPD over 20 years ago, but little has changed for her since then. 

From my experiences, I can say there are a few things to keep in mind:
1)  You can't expect her to change at all.  Even if she accepts a BPD diagnosis and gets DBT therapy.
2)  Living with a BPD spouse does not mean you have to sacrifice yourself, nor does it mean you have to be present for her rages.  You no longer have kids in the house.  She rages, you go find something else to do and save your sanity. 
3)  Whether you and her stay together is completely out of your control.  Do what you can to take care of yourself, do what you know is right, and if she decides to leave, that is her decision. 

I hope you stick around and share more - being amongst those who understand really helps.