There was no closure

[Depression = 72% of members]

The breakup just happened so fast. The last 6 months of the relationship were plagued with constant accusations where I had to defend myself and prove my love to her.

The last fight again was about nothing. This time in the middle of the night when she knows I need to get up in a few hours to prepare for work. I begged for her to stop. That I couldn't take it anymore. That this relationship was unhealthy for me.

She eventually cooled down and I slept. She wanted to act like nothing happened. She said she didn't want something dumb like that to ruin our day. I almost envy her ability to just forget the intense emotions she caused. She didn't realize how much that last fight stuck. How they ALL stuck with me. Chipping away at me every time making me question if she ever did trust me. If she actually loved me.

We spent the night watching movies, but I was already broken. I broke up with her the next morning and it was the most intense barrage of emotions I've ever seen. I explained to her that the pain she's caused me has exceeded the love I have for her and I couldn't continue the relationship for my own health.

The only communication after that was to deal with our apartment arrangements, all through text. She's either blocked me out entirely from social media or she hopefully went through with deleting her presence altogether like she had talked about for a while. But we haven't seen eachother since.

I have this sad feeling in my heart that we'll never talk or see each other again. It's been basically NC for 4 months now with one happy birthday text from her a couple months back. But I'm wondering why I keep thinking back to her and that break up. It was just over so fast. No goodbyes. No apologies from either side.4 years just finished in the blink of an eye. I guess the closure I'm seeking is acknowledgment. to know that she understands that the relationship was codependent and unhealthy. That we put our personal growth aside and made our relationship our sole focus. But I fear I'll never get that. But I mostly fear that she doesn't realize it.

[Juantelamela]

The breakup just happened so fast. The last 6 months of the relationship were plagued with constant accusations where I had to defend myself and prove my love to her.

The last fight again was about nothing. This time in the middle of the night when she knows I need to get up in a few hours to prepare for work. I begged for her to stop. That I couldn't take it anymore. That this relationship was unhealthy for me.

She eventually cooled down and I slept. She wanted to act like nothing happened. She said she didn't want something dumb like that to ruin our day. I almost envy her ability to just forget the intense emotions she caused. She didn't realize how much that last fight stuck. How they ALL stuck with me. Chipping away at me every time making me question if she ever did trust me. If she actually loved me.

We spent the night watching movies, but I was already broken. I broke up with her the next morning and it was the most intense barrage of emotions I've ever seen. I explained to her that the pain she's caused me has exceeded the love I have for her and I couldn't continue the relationship for my own health.

The only communication after that was to deal with our apartment arrangements, all through text. She's either blocked me out entirely from social media or she hopefully went through with deleting her presence altogether like she had talked about for a while. But we haven't seen eachother since.

I have this sad feeling in my heart that we'll never talk or see each other again. It's been basically NC for 4 months now with one happy birthday text from her a couple months back. But I'm wondering why I keep thinking back to her and that break up. It was just over so fast. No goodbyes. No apologies from either side.4 years just finished in the blink of an eye. I guess the closure I'm seeking is acknowledgment. to know that she understands that the relationship was codependent and unhealthy. That we put our personal growth aside and made our relationship our sole focus. But I fear I'll never get that. But I mostly fear that she doesn't realize it.

[capecodling]

In my experience, and many others, there is never any closure with BPD exes.  In fact, if closure is something you feel you especially need to move on, then its even less likely you will get it from a BPDex.  I don’t really have a logical explanation for why this is but BUT whatever is driving them seems to specifically know where our buttons are to inflict the maximum damage, even post breakup.  I don’t know how, but that illness is a genius when it comes to manipulation, closure will rarely come from the BPD.  However, there are a lot of insights that can be gleaned from their behavior and studying BPD if that’s what will help you.  At a certain point it can be valuable to move beyond the BPD literature and also focus on your own healing and health, that’s where the real magic starts to happen IMO.

[Augustine]

Ultimately, we don’t have that option to exercise, and yes, it does leave a bottomless hole afterwards that we all try to fill with endless conjectures.

However, conjecturing to this degree assumes that we had some ultimate say in an outcome with a person whose links to reality were pretty spotty at best.

You and I made the correct decision to leave.

 That’s the only closure we’re going to get…I believe.

[capecodling]

The breakup just happened so fast. The last 6 months of the relationship were plagued with constant accusations where I had to defend myself and prove my love to her.

One thing I would like to second in the post is this sentiment here, how quickly the breakup seems to happen.   I've had relationships with 3 different BPD women (I know, I must be a masochist) and all 3 seemed like they ended so suddenly, one moment we were happy the next moment they had painted me black and broken up with me (or I with them.)   

But it's really not quickly, because of the many months of hell that lead up to the breakup.   No other relationships have been anywhere near as tumultuous as my relationships with BPD women, and they all ended so suddenly, it seemed like out of nowhere.  Even the most dramatic --- the most insanely jealous women I've been with with the most violent tempers --- when the relationship was over they were able to sit down calmly and talk, give each other a hug, help pack bags, wish each other well, have a long talk to make sure both sides had closure.   With BPD women, they just turn ice cold and don't offer any closure, nor support, nothing, just more knives stuck in you with a twist to make sure you don't ever forget them.   

One thing I did was record voice memos to myself during the relationship to grant myself some perspective afterwards, and I always know when the end was near, even when their "painting black" seemed to come out of nowhere, I always was able to call it about to happen a week or so before it did.

One thing I will say, looking back, is that I am grateful for the first 2 BPD relationships I had because they helped prepare me for other hardships I would face later.  Truly I am grateful for both of them.  The most recent breakup is still too fresh for me to feel pure gratitude, but I do feel some, that she helped show me I still have the bad tendency in myself to accept unhealthy relationships.   I think with time, we will get to that place of truly being thankful for all this, even if it still feels like hell right now.

[Augustine]

But it's really not quickly, because of the many months of hell that lead up to the breakup.   No other relationships have been anywhere near as tumultuous as my relationships with BPD women, and they all ended so suddenly, it seemed like out of nowhere.  Even the most dramatic --- the most insanely jealous women I've been with with the most violent tempers --- when the relationship was over they were able to sit down calmly and talk, give each other a hug, help pack bags, wish each other well, have a long talk to make sure both sides had closure.   With BPD women, they just turn ice cold and don't offer any closure, nor support, nothing, just more knives stuck in you with a twist to make sure you don't ever forget them.

This^ is foundational.

[Juantelamela]

No other relationships have been anywhere near as tumultuous as my relationships with BPD women, and they all ended so suddenly, it seemed like out of nowhere. 

Yeah...I guess that's where it just hits me different. I've never been involved with someone with BPD before her, and the relationships prior were all ended with some level of understanding and conversation. But this time is completely different. I'm just left hollowed and empty and wondering how she feels about it all and if it's anything like what I'm feeling. And I'm more annoyed at myself because I'm wondering why I'm feeling all this when I'M the one that left HER. There wasn't even any on again off again drama where we broke up and got back together. It was just one big build up to a break up that needed to happen. And yet here I am, having survived the experience of a BPD relationship knowing it needed to end for my own health, but still feeling so lost and confused about what the last 4 years even meant.

I didn't realize how emotionally manipulated I had become until after the break up.

[Augustine]

I'm just left hollowed and empty and wondering how she feels about it all and if it's anything like what I'm feeling.

It’s unlikely that there is any mature, post-relationship processing occurring at all. They typically split the former partner, deriding them as being an all bad entity.

Mine called the police on me after I ended the relationship, claiming that I had abused her. As far as she’s concerned, I’m in league with the Devil at best, and never existed at worst.

As far as life lessons are concerned, this one was the least endearing. 

[Turkish]

My ex cut me off so suddenly it was shocking, and she found her new Fantasy Man (boy-toy) who she later married, then divorced. We had a baby and a 3 year old.

I think she did realize later, but it took a while and I only gleaned it due to she reaching out to me to help her with conflict. Most ex partners never admit it to the exes.

For perspective: https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[GlennT]

Please look into bpd recycling. They recycle more than a Maytag. The psychopathological part, which is done subconsciously, comes in time, as they begin to set you up  for the devalue phase,  in about 1-2 years, in order to hurt and abandon you, or cause you to do it to them, so they can move on to the next soul mate, rinse-repeat. Bear in mind, the newness of your initial, powerful, passionate,  total love abandonment, all-consuming fire, jealous, phase of idealization, will never happen again, never. Just as some are brilliant mentally and some are strong and powerful athletes, the bpd has been gifted with being able to feel deep emotions , which effects us, and like the others, can be used for good or evil. The deep, emotional, bonds they are able to create, are their bait. The BPD is the DSM's revolving, relationship, emotional, psychopath.

[Collaguazo]

It’s unlikely that there is any mature, post-relationship processing occurring at all. They typically split the former partner, deriding them as being an all bad entity.

Mine called the police on me after I ended the relationship, claiming that I had abused her. As far as she’s concerned, I’m in league with the Devil at best, and never existed at worst.

As far as life lessons are concerned, this one was the least endearing. 

Indeed, they simply lack the emotional maturity to reflect on the relationship as a whole. The ex partner is painted black and gets lost in the maelstrom of emotions BPDs carry inside.

It’s also worth considering that pwBPD alienate people that challenge their beliefs and feelings. For them feelings = facts and there is no room for arguing that. So they end up with a few enablers (usually close family) that reinforce their actions, whether by ignorance or fear of retaliation.

As for closure, I believe the closest we can get is knowing that we did our best and tried to help our partners as much as we could.

[Tangled mangled]

The BPD is the DSM's revolving, relationship, emotional, psychopath.


So glad you mentioned this! Some of the things I have read on this forum are the handwork of psychopaths. Sam Vaknin describes them as secondary psychopaths.

No amount of past trauma- gives anyone the right to destroy another person- all in the name of failed relationship.

[SinisterComplex]

The BPD is the DSM's revolving, relationship, emotional, psychopath.


So glad you mentioned this! Some of the things I have read on this forum are the handwork of psychopaths. Sam Vaknin describes them as secondary psychopaths.

No amount of past trauma- gives anyone the right to destroy another person- all in the name of failed relationship.

I think your feelings and how you feel are valid and I can agree with some of what you say, but I would recommend caution throwing the term psychopath around. Psychopathy is a form of thinking and behavior and not necessarily a person (psychopath). It is a hotly debated topic of course and too each their own because there is no absolute answer.

The other thing to take into account is that perhaps some of these people are misdiagnosed and suffer from even worse disorders than BPD...think along the lines of something more sinister such as schizophrenia.

Mental health/behavioral science is still developing and not an exact science. Even with all of our rough experiences here it is best to keep an open mind.

Your last line though I concur with 100%. I don't do excuses...I can understand reasons, but I do not accept excuses because S behavior is S behavior.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Augustine]

I stumbled upon this wisdom elsewhere on the site, and found it be be extremely useful.

This may seem odd to you, but therapy may be more effective with you than with her. You might wonder why that is- she's the one with the problem - right?

But you are the one who is also dealing with a disordered relationship and have the insight to try to understand a complicated situation. Therapy can help you clarify your own feelings, validate them ( as she isn't able to do that) and navigate your decisions through the situation.

Read about the Karpman triangle. From my own observations ( and I have read it too)-pwBPD assume Victim position. Victims are not accountable. So if you say she's hurting you, she isn't in victim perspective here- you are. So her response is to take Victim perspective and say she is hurting you. Your role has probably been as Rescuer. But if she sees herself as Victim, she perceives you as Persecutor.

Can therapy change that for her? There's really no way to predict if therapy is going to be effective or not. One thing that is true is that change is slow. It takes time. You'd likely have to wait and see if it helps or doesn't help. We can not change how anyone else thinks. People who respond to therapy have the insight to see how their thinking and actions interfere with their relationships and who want to change.

If she sees herself as a victim, even if it isn't true - you can't change that for her. It's how she thinks. You are trying to make her think and perceive differently by talking to her but we can't change someone's thinking and if it's dysfunctional - that is how they think.

We can't change another person but we can change ourselves. We can also seek support for our own challenging situations. The person most likely to change is the one troubled by the relationship and who is motivated to make changes- to do that takes the ability to see their situation and their part in it- that is accountability. If your GF can't see that, then therapy is more likely to help you than her.

[Tangled mangled]

I think your feelings and how you feel are valid and I can agree with some of what you say, but I would recommend caution throwing the term psychopath around. Psychopathy is a form of thinking and behavior and not necessarily a person (psychopath). It is a hotly debated topic of course and too each their own because there is no absolute answer.

The other thing to take into account is that perhaps some of these people are misdiagnosed and suffer from even worse disorders than BPD...think along the lines of something more sinister such as schizophrenia.

Mental health/behavioral science is still developing and not an exact science. Even with all of our rough experiences here it is best to keep an open mind.

Your last line though I concur with 100%. I don't do excuses...I can understand reasons, but I do not accept excuses because S behavior is S behavior.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

@SC
Thanks for your input and suggestions about using the term psychopath .
However I found this description of a psychopath

The term "psychopath" is used to describe someone who is callous, unemotional, and morally depraved. Although not an official mental health diagnosis, it is often used in clinical and legal settings to refer to someone who often is egocentric, antisocial, lacking remorse and empathy for others, and often has criminal tendencies.1

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-psychopath-5025217

In my experience and those of many I have read about and met , many of the issues we found difficult in our failed relationships fit into the above description:

E.g my ex trying to crash our family car with 2 kids in the back seat into a moving truck ( driving dangerously close) at 90miles/hr. We survived and I am here to tell the story.

On this site there are many who have described awful experiences of a bpd spouse or pwbpd trying to take the steering wheel and similar issues while driving.

There was a story in the news recently of a medical doctor who deliberately drove his family at high speed in a Tesla off a cliff- thankfully they survived with injuries. I wonder how many did not live to tell their stories in similar circumstances.

These are all criminal behaviours whether people were hurt or not  and the handwork of a psychopath.

Studies on psychopathy have described people with bpd as factor 2 psychopaths and I agree with the notion that many of these persons with Bpd may have comorbid psychiatric conditions such as schizophrenia or other personality disorders in cluster A and C.

Thank you

[Pook075]

Thanks for posting...I can fully relate to the sudden collapse of a relationship and how mind-boggling it is for awhile.  I think everyone here wants closure and in most cases, it never comes.  I'm a year out from a breakup of a 24 year marriage and the best I've got so far was, "I should have talked out my feelings to you instead of keeping them hidden for so long."  Duh.  But that's probably the best I'll ever get and I'm okay with that now.  It did take me quite some time to get to that point though.

One other thing that helped me was writing a letter to my ex and really letting out all my emotions over how she hurt me over the years.  I chose to mail it to her but a lot of folks here never actually send it.  There is something therapeutic to talking or writing it out though it help to let go of that trauma and start a new chapter in life.

I hope that helps.