Just fooling myself?

[gojira]

I come to all of you after 22 years of marriage to my wife. We have a 22 year-old son pwBPD who underwent DBT treatment during high school who has slowly made progress in dealing with his symptoms. Until recently, it never occurred to me that my wife may also be a upwBPD, but the more I learn about BPD, the more I think it is true.

I recognize there is a potential for a lot of judgement here from anyone who is monogamous, so I ask that you be gentle as you give your thoughts. I'd also love feedback from any ENM or poly folks, if you're out there.

As a little background, my wife expressed an interest in having a threesome about three years ago. Our sex life had been mixed, and I was often accused of not initiating enough, so it came as a surprise. After lots of discussion and reading about how it could impact our relationship, I agreed that we could try to find a man to join us. Around the same time, she decided she wanted to be fully transparent with me and confessed that she had an affair a couple years prior, which had recently ended. She seemed genuinely remorseful about what had happened, and while I was heartbroken, I forgave her and decided to move on.

She told me her reasoning for the affair was that she missed that exciting feeling of meeting someone new. While looking for our third, we looked further into open relationships and polyamory, and I suggested that maybe this was a way to meet her needs. With tons of personal work, I learned to accept this new relationship model while she began dating other men. I eventually found a partner of my own and had a relationship that lasted a year. I later found another partner, and that relationship is ongoing. My wife had mixed results, having lots of one-night stands and a year-long relationship that ended with her being ghosted after she confessed her love to him. The one-night stands were often accompanied by text messages sent by my wife that she would later regret and beat herself up over.

There had always been moments in our marriage where my wife would react surprisingly strongly to events in her life, like getting turned down for a job, issues with our daughter, me having to travel for work, fights with her with friends, etc. These episodes usually lasted a few days.

It wasn't until we opened our relationship that it because much more clear, though, that she may be a upwBPD. A rejection by another man would send her into a tailspin that would last for weeks. During these times, I would be demeaned for being inadequate (emotionally and sexually),  told that we never should have gotten married, informed that she wished she never had children, and told to marry my other partner (who, by the way, was a "fat cow"). As much as I could, I just listened. Occasionally, I'd try to defend myself and that always went poorly. She'd retreat to our room telling me she didn't want to talk, only to start texting me moments later.

Fast forward to now, after about two years of on-and-off listening to these comments, my wife has opted to stop being poly and instructed me to do the same. There was no discussion. She decided on her own without any consideration of what I wanted. I asked why I had to stop when she was okay with my other partner the month before? Because it's no longer balanced.

The difficulty I'm now facing is that, as a result of being in a couple of other relationships, I've discovered how dysfunctional my relationship with my wife really is. I really enjoy the time I spend with my other partner (about 2 hours every 2-4 weeks and no sleepovers). It brings me a brief escape from the other challenges in my life, and it feels like a two-way relationship. FWIW, I have no desire to marry this partner nor does she have a desire to marry me.

I have no other friends except for my partner. I work at home, so I'm around my wife 24/7, and it's been nearly impossible to find free time to meet possible friends with a upwBPD spouse and pwBPD son always reaching out to me. If I end my other relationship, I feel the same thing is going to happen even if I just find a friend or two to spend time with outside the house. I'm forever smothered and nothing I do is enough.

Call me crazy, but I still love that good person that is buried in inside this upwBPD. Unfortunately, I'm at a point where I'm wondering if I'm fooling myself that this will ever get better or that I'll ever learn to deal with it. The rocky relationship, the lack of empathy for my wants/needs, the demeaning comments are taking a huge toll on me. I've had a regular therapist to talk through all of this, which certainly helps, but my wife refuses to see her therapist, calling it a waste of time.

I know there are no good answers, but thank you all for listening and sorry for the lengthy first post.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi gojira and welcome to the group 

22 years is a long relationship, yet you'll be in good company here, as many members are working to better their long-term relationships (5, 10, 20+ years) too.

So over the years she has tended to have outsize reactions to things that didn't seem to merit them -- like the situation is a 3/10, and she is responding like it's a 9 or 10/10?

And she also makes critical and negative comments, seems to lack empathy for you, and has a "the rules for you don't apply to me" mentality. All of that is so difficult to cope with.

What would you say is the top conflict for you two right now -- the comments, the double standards, something else...?

Your son is 22 -- is he living at home still? How about your daughter? Just getting a better sense of your situation.

Relationships with pwBPD aren't easy, yet many people choose to stay for many reasons. We're here to help you learn and practice the often unintuitive skills and tools that it can take to not only stay, but to try to make things better.

Feel free to check out our section of "tips" in the green bar up top -- there's a section on "partner/spouse with BPD" that would be a good starting place.

How's therapy going for you?

[waverider]

Your wife now has an entrenched sense of entitlement in the sense that she has been able to do what she wants, you have simply reinforced this by going along with it. Maybe because you were not going to be able to change her path then. You are not going to be able to change it now.

The external partners issue, is not the issue, only a symptom of her ability to compartmentalized her life believing her needs are independent of you and non of your business. You are simply expected to enable them. Her interests and impulses along with an expectation that you will just comply are the issue and most likely always will be.

BPD is their personality, their way of thinking. It is not an overlay on top of an inner core of "goodness". Those glimpses of "niceness" are all part and parcel of BPD. Thats just a component that appeals to you, as it is meant to. pwBPD seek approval and validation. Being "nice" is a way of gaining it. It is not necessarily selflessly about you, it is often more about making an impression.

Unfortunately we often stay on the hook because we think the "real person" is below the BPD if only we could draw it out. The original impressions we got are often no more than the sales brochure version.

So if you want this to continue then you have to accept this is the way it is and you will be required to jump in whichever direction she dictates. There is no fairness or negotiation. They are her needs, can you live in the wash of  it going wherever it goes.?

[Broken Record]

Hi gojira,

Thanks for sharing your story, quite an interesting one and absolutely no judgement. What two consensual adults decide to do on their terms is their business - honestly any BPD relationship seems to be far more abnormal that poly imo anyway.

I am intrigued to know what your wifes mood / behaviour was to you was while she wasn’t rejected and seemingly running ok in her other relationships? Just curiousness on my part.

Honestly wouldn’t be surprised if your SO has BPD as it seems to be common that a child will form a cluster B disorder if a parent also has one.

Anyway. while dysfunctional, a relationship is still just that BPD or not and something that only you two can decide / agree upon yourselves wrt to continuing external relationships. Imo that part is much the same even in a “normal marriage”. I understand the frustration or seemingly feeling of hypocrisy it may rouse in you with what you’ve had to endure, but its one of those things that you’ll have to roll with the punches as the relationship evolves.

Now one thing you ought to keep doing is doing the things that you feel you need to fill your cup so to speak which may mean forcing yourself to take the time to do what you enjoy - which may be keeping some hobbies, activities and have a social life outside the home life. It may mean having to replace your relationship with with platonic ones if thats what you both agree on and choose to do and make monogamy your marital status once again. Creating boundaries will be needed so you’re not completely consumed by your family responsibilities and can take the time to do what you need to recharge.

As for dealing with the dysfunction - the people here will give much the same advice - read, read, then read some more and enact the communication tools and other techniques to try to make your relationship more manageable. Plenty of resources around - read the boards here, read Stop Walking on Eggshells book and any others that pique your interest.

Apologies if you’ve done that already as parenting a pwbpd may have give you some of that experience, though romantic partners may be a different kettle of fish.

Anyway, best of luck to you!

[gojira]

Hi, kells! Thanks for the welcome, and I'm looking forward to learning more from all of you. I realize in my emotional state I typoed a few things. My son is 20 (the pwBPD) and my daughter is 18 (no BPD, but can struggle with the family dynamic).

I think my biggest challenge has been dealing with the negative comments. I've finally begun to realize they don't represent who I am, since my relationships at work are strong, and I am well-respected. It can be challenging to let it roll off of you, though.

Therapy continues to be helpful and I've been reading books recommended here, so I really appreciate having found this forum. I'll check out the other links you recommend. Thank you!

[gojira]

Hi, waverider.

It think this is the part I need to accept:

BPD is their personality, their way of thinking. It is not an overlay on top of an inner core of "goodness"

So if I want to remain in the relationship, I will need to tolerate these ups and downs and jump in the direction she says, as you put it. I'm curious what happens if I buck against her direction, though? For all these years, I've followed her lead, but I'm realizing I need to make some accommodations for myself before I implode, and I fear the reaction from her. Are these fears warranted?

[gojira]

Hi, Broken Record,
To answer your question:

I am intrigued to know what your wifes mood / behaviour was to you was while she wasn’t rejected and seemingly running ok in her other relationships? Just curiousness on my part.

She actually did well when her other relationships went well. It diverted some of her attention off of me, and I found less criticism. As time passed, though, the newness of it wore off and she began questioning everything and self-sabotaging the relationship. Then all the attention would be back on me once the person cut her off.

Thanks for your advice on boundaries and reading. I've been trying to read lots lately and continue to find great content here 

[HurtAndTired]

So if I want to remain in the relationship, I will need to tolerate these ups and downs and jump in the direction she says, as you put it. I'm curious what happens if I buck against her direction, though? For all these years, I've followed her lead, but I'm realizing I need to make some accommodations for myself before I implode, and I fear the reaction from her. Are these fears warranted?

I have only recently started enforcing boundaries on my uBPDw after taking her abuse and caretaking her for more than 10 years, and it is still very much a work in progress, so take this advice with a grain of salt, but I think that it is important that you do not jump in the direction that she says unless you truly agree with what she wants to do. You owe it to yourself to do things that make you happy. She definitely does not prioritize your happiness, so if you don't who will?

All of the years that I let my wife lead in the relationship were a wreck. I thought that if I could just do what it was that she wanted, it would make her happy and I would have peace in my life. However, nothing you can do will ever make a pwBPD happy in the long term. You could be perfect and they would still find fault with you. I now see all of the changes that I made in my life to placate her (abandoning my friends of several decades because they made her jealous, giving up hobbies, etc.) only made me miserable and unrecognizable to myself but never made her happy. I see now that no matter what I do, she will be unhappy, so I have now started to go back to doing the things that make me happy. If she is going to get mad at me regardless, at least I will have her mad at me and be surrounded by friends who can support me when things get tough. If she is going to try to make me miserable at home, I can go camping with my family.

I am not suggesting that you go out of your way to upset your wife, but it is not only ok but actually healthy for you to say "no" if you don't want something she wants. Stop giving in and "going along to get along" because it doesn't work. It will upset her at first if you tell her that you are going to go to see a movie, reunite with some old friends, or whatever other activity that you have given up to not upset her. Take the lead in your relationship. She is mentally ill and cannot handle the responsibility of being the leader. Take your life back. It's too short to waste it trying to please someone who is unpleasable. She will get used to it eventually. Remind her that you love her and that you aren't going anywhere, but remember to love yourself too. You deserve it and you will implode if you don't start making self-care a priority.

[waverider]

Hi, waverider.

It think this is the part I need to accept:
So if I want to remain in the relationship, I will need to tolerate these ups and downs and jump in the direction she says, as you put it. I'm curious what happens if I buck against her direction, though? For all these years, I've followed her lead, but I'm realizing I need to make some accommodations for myself before I implode, and I fear the reaction from her. Are these fears warranted?

You can buck against them, but you will struggle to modify the way she thinks. What you are talking about is boundaries, which is more about extracting and protecting yourself, not behavioural modification.

There will be drama when you do this, but there would have been drama anyway, you simply swapping one for the other but incorporating a reward for you.

The point being, there will always be drama. Its not about the issues, they are vehicles for the drama, it is about the process of creating drama that will remain, the subject matter just changes.

[gojira]

HurtAndTired, your situation sounds so similar to mine it's frightening! It's just taken me longer to realize that no matter what I do, it will never be enough.

Both you and waverider make a good point: if there's going to be drama regardless of what I do, I may as well take time for my own self-care and happiness. You also both echo the words of my therapist that I need to establish some boundaries for myself. Thank you both for your thoughts.