Well looks like divorce is finally happening

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My own take on the smear campaign is that being in victim perspective absolves someone of feeling accountable. This avoids shame which is an uncomfortable feeling. Keeping BPD mother's issues secret has been a family rule.

Something like divorce can't be kept secret- and being in victim perspective, this means it's not her fault- so it has to be your fault. It's a version of the Karpman triangle.

BPD mother was angry at me at one point and  said untrue things about me to people in her circle.  I know some of the things she said because she called my in-laws and say things to them and they told me what she had said  In-laws didn't believe her but her family and friends seemed to buy into it at the time.

What to do about it?  If I tried to clear the story with her family and friends, there'd be a cognitive dissonance- both stories could not be true. They'd likely believe her. It would sound like I was doing the same thing as she was. When I encounter people in her circle, I keep it cordial and polite. Fortunately, her family eventually figured things out.

As to your friend, the other father- hard to know how he'd respond to the information. Agreed that unless someone has experienced a similar situation- they likely won't understand it. I think I'd acknowlege the gesture but keep things superficial and not say much- something like "thanks, I appreciate your saying that" and leave it at that- as it's not saying anything about your wife. I think this is also something to ask your lawyer about- if what she is posting is potentially damaging- you don't want to be doing this too by speaking about her.

To me, posting relationship drama on social media at adult age is a red flag. Other people may feel that way too when they see it. To me, it shows poor judgment and poor boundaries. Information such as announcing an engagement, or marriage- that is appropriate public information, but divorce drama or badmouthing someone- that makes me wonder about the person posting.

If you aren't in counseling, consider it. It's good to have someone to talk to and counseling is a confidential situation.

[Notwendy]

My own take on the smear campaign is that being in victim perspective absolves someone of feeling accountable. This avoids shame which is an uncomfortable feeling. Keeping BPD mother's issues secret has been a family rule.

Something like divorce can't be kept secret- and being in victim perspective, this means it's not her fault- so it has to be your fault. It's a version of the Karpman triangle.

BPD mother was angry at me at one point and  said untrue things about me to people in her circle.  I know some of the things she said because she called my in-laws and say things to them and they told me what she had said  In-laws didn't believe her but her family and friends seemed to buy into it at the time.

What to do about it?  If I tried to clear the story with her family and friends, there'd be a cognitive dissonance- both stories could not be true. They'd likely believe her. It would sound like I was doing the same thing as she was. When I encounter people in her circle, I keep it cordial and polite. Fortunately, her family eventually figured things out.

As to your friend, the other father- hard to know how he'd respond to the information. Agreed that unless someone has experienced a similar situation- they likely won't understand it. I think I'd acknowlege the gesture but keep things superficial and not say much- something like "thanks, I appreciate your saying that" and leave it at that- as it's not saying anything about your wife. I think this is also something to ask your lawyer about- if what she is posting is potentially damaging- you don't want to be doing this too by speaking about her.

To me, posting relationship drama on social media at adult age is a red flag. Other people may feel that way too when they see it. To me, it shows poor judgment and poor boundaries. Information such as announcing an engagement, or marriage- that is appropriate public information, but divorce drama or badmouthing someone- that makes me wonder about the person posting.

If you aren't in counseling, consider it. It's good to have someone to talk to and counseling is a confidential situation.

[EyesUp]

I also faced a social media smear campaign when going through separation and divorce. 

I also received comments, screen shots, and documentation from friends and concerned parties.

My MO was / is:  Minimize public activity on social media. Do not respond publicly. Address any concerns by stating "Yes, I've heard about this from others, and I appreciate your concern.  I'm glad to answer any questions, but I will not engage online - I intend to do my best to disengage, show respect to my stbx, and to always put the kids first"

Usually that's enough to demonstrate who is behaving like an adult (and who is not).

If your kids are old enough to see those posts, it may also be considered disparagement - for discussion with your atty.

Hang in there!

[mikejones75093]

I also faced a social media smear campaign when going through separation and divorce. 

I also received comments, screen shots, and documentation from friends and concerned parties.

My MO was / is:  Minimize public activity on social media. Do not respond publicly. Address any concerns by stating "Yes, I've heard about this from others, and I appreciate your concern.  I'm glad to answer any questions, but I will not engage online - I intend to do my best to disengage, show respect to my stbx, and to always put the kids first"

Usually that's enough to demonstrate who is behaving like an adult (and who is not).

If your kids are old enough to see those posts, it may also be considered disparagement - for discussion with your atty.

Hang in there!

It's a private account.  She doesn't know that I know, and the kids don't have access.  Our first marriage counselor that diagnosed her would always tell me to quit defending myself.   She said you didn't do anything, stop going round and round with her.  I like the I appreciate the concern and I'm here to do what's best for the kids thing.  I'll keep it high level.  I'm the guy that's friends with everyone on the team,  She has no friends or family,  they all screwed her over hahaha.  I'm sure in time everyone will see reality of who acts like an adult.  Just wasn't prepared for that call yesterday and how far she would go with this smear campaign.   She's really losing it, going much further than before.  I can't tell if it's because she wants my attention or if she really hates me.  When I was 7 I liked a girl, how did I get her attention?  Talked crap to her and told her she was ugly.  Getting older and learning how to socialize that was the exact wrong way to get attention from a crush.  I can't help but think she's a child inside.

[Notwendy]

Maybe little boys do that but from my own experience, girls don't do that if they want a boy's attention.

What your wife is doing sounds more like the middle school "mean girl" behavior. That's why I said that adults posting drama on social media is a red flag to me.  While I wouldn't want someone posting any drama on social media at any age, it's more like middle school behavior. Before social media, the thing was to pass notes at school, sometimes mean ones. I don't know of boys doing this.

I have an aquaintance who was posting all kinds of drama on Facebook- she had issues with her neighbors, with her kids' schools, and the more I saw of this, the more I began to think maybe the issue is with her. This kind of thing can be offputting. Keep taking the high road as more people probably are questioning this behavior than you may know.

[mikejones75093]

I got word today that she is requesting a temporary restraining order.  She is asking for exclusive possession of the kids.  She rented A house and  if this goes through she's going to move and try to tell the judge they are now residents in a town 30 miles away.  I have never been so upset.

[kells76]

I'd be upset, too.

Can you and your L counter file something essentially saying "I have no objection to Ms Ex-mikejones moving wherever she likes. The kids shall reside with Mr. mikejones who will ensure that the kids spend time with her per the current parenting time agreement."

She doesn't get to set the terms, but may be trying to get you on the defensive and flustered by making these legal moves.

Vent here, but be proactive and assertive when working with your L. It doesn't have to all be just responding/reacting to her wacky proposals. Make some strong proposals of your own.

She's going to keep claiming wacky stuff and asking for the moon. You don't have to be stuck in her framing -- don't let it derail you emotionally. Assume that she's going to escalate, so it doesn't surprise you, and so that your effort and focus and energy can remain on what's best for your kids, instead of on her impulsivity.

Nutshell: assume she'll keep escalating, and instead of your strategy being to react to each move she makes, pivot your strategy to being 5 steps ahead of her.

[ForeverDad]

Can you and your L counter file something essentially saying "I have no objection to Ms Ex-mikejones moving wherever she likes. The kids shall reside with Mr. mikejones who will ensure that the kids spend time with her per the current parenting time agreement."

This is good.  Your spouse is an adult and you won't succeed if you try to limit her adult life choices.  This is about parenting and you're justified to focus your attention to your parenting.

It doesn't have to all be just responding/reacting to her wacky proposals. Make some strong proposals of your own.

She's going to keep claiming wacky stuff and asking for the moon...

Nutshell: assume she'll keep escalating, and instead of your strategy being to react to each move she makes, pivot your strategy to being 5 steps ahead of her.

I often ask this theoretical question... If your ex demands 90-100% parenting and you seek a fair division at 50%, what might the judge be tempted to rule?  Would the judge be a "split the difference" person?  If so then you could walk out of the hearing with alternate weekends, what for decades has been termed "the father's usual outcome.

So kells76 is correct, you can't sit back and stick to what seems fair, you risk getting shortchanged.  Proactive strategies are a smart approach but even so things may not go your way.  What then?

Likely the court wouldn't grant 100% (or exclusive) custody or parenting unless it concluded you were a danger to the children.  That is a high bar to accomplish.  Likely children's services would be called in to assess whether you really were endangering the kids.  If court did make an order for you to be assessed, then be sure to have her assessed too, equally.  (In my case only I was assessed since we hadn't been in court yet and the CPS investigator literally stood up in court at the first hearing and stated they had "no concerns" about me. Court tossed her petition for child's protection.)

I better make a clarification here.  My temp orders did gift my then-stbEx temp custody (after all, even if it turned out to be 2 years, it was just "temporary") but it never let her get exclusive parenting.  Courts don't like blocked parenting without cause.

Has she allowed you to have any visits with the children?  Without her monitoring?  If she insisted to be present then that would be termed "supervised".  Court would limit you to supervised visits only if the professionals saw you as a danger to the children.  (While it might briefly restrict you while being assessed, it should resolve that issue within a couple weeks.)

Be aware that psych evals are usually just cursory evaluations, mine in 2005 said I had 'anxiety'.  Yeah, tell me something I didn't know!  I don't know what hers would have said since she never complied with her part of the order.  Psych evals probably wouldn't extend to the children or the parenting of the children.

For that you would have to file for a Custody Evaluation.  Make sure you get a trusted or qualified evaluator since this can make or break your case.  Mine was a child psychologist fully trusted by family court.  Be forewarned this can take several months and is quite expensive.

What do you do meanwhile?  Get the best (or least bad) temp order from the start.  I had a lousy temp order for 2 years and neither lawyers nor magistrate fixed it as the predictable problems arose during the divorce process.  So try to get a clause in the temp order that it can be modified when problems arise?

I would bet your spouse is planning to have you pay support for her rental (another reason she wants exclusive possession of the kids since she'd get more child support money).  Tell the court she was the one to move out and, as kells wrote, the children should be with you with her getting some visitation.

If she doesn't work now, you can state she's able to work and should resume work so she can transition from the marriage.

[mikejones75093]

I'm the kids main care taker.  I work from my phone so I'm always home with them.

She is saying I financially and verbally abuse her and am a drug user in the order.  My L said its weak, and is working on filing our own orders.

I have video clips of her verbally abusing me and the children, but my L said we aren't using that just yet.

If it is granted its 14 days max and I don't use drugs.  So my L said we will get through it,  but hopefully it isn't granted.

Today I was amazingly calm and collected.  This seems to have enraged her. She took the kids and told them to lie to me and not tell me where they really went.  I pulled her tithe side and calmly told her to please not ask the kids to lie to their dad.  Boy did she get defensive.   After telling me she didn't do it she was defending herself explaining everything so I calmly said I'm not going to argue just please don't do it again.  Once I did this she told me she feels threatened and was calling the police.

She never did but told me to quit making false accusations or she was taking the kids and leaving.

The more calm I was the more upset she got.  Is that normal?

[ForeverDad]

If she has filed allegations, it's hard for a court not to respond, but cautiously.  This is probably a matter of ex parte where the judge can issue a temp order allowing time for the other parent to be assessed but then have to follow up with a hearing in a couple weeks where both parents appear so both parents have an opportunity to briefly present their arguments and for any other professionals' reports to be considered.

I emphasize the word briefly.  My first hearings were scheduled for a half hour.  Focus on the more important matters.  I recall when I had typed up a list of 11 issues, grouped by topic.  We only covered the first few and then time was up. My mistake was that I didn't list the more urgent issues first.  Prioritize your lists.

One risk is that only you are assessed since you are the claimed perp.  See how that starts you off as seen cast in a bad light?  So while you should be cleared, no one takes a similar scrutiny of your stbEx.  So I'm pleased to hear that your lawyer will file papers too, and hope that your spouse is scrutinized as well.

However, understand that court often faces spouses who squabble and bicker, full of emotions.  How do you and your lawyer present a case that this is not a divorce that is inciting the emotional bickering but much deeper roots about subtle and not so subtle mental health concerns?  Do your best but likely this is the start of a long journey.

Your spouse will be the one sabotaging and complaining and filing even more allegations when these current ones are closed as "unsubstantiated" or at least not rising to the level of being "actionable".  You must be the parent with solutions.  Even if the court may not take notice at first.

Beware of being too nice or agreeable (gifting of your income).  All you need to do is be courteous and not nasty.  That's all the court expects, being too generous or to "fair" will not gain you any brownie points.  Try to limit how much you're obligated to pay for ex's new rental or other monetary splurges.

Do not agree to stbEx to get authorization to move the children to other schools.  Sure, court can allow her to do that, but you don't have to agree, you can state that you believe it is unwise.  As a father and one of two parents you can stand up for yourself.

[EyesUp]

I'm sure your atty is sharp, but I'll add that the best interest of the children is usually the guiding principal - and continuity / status quo is often a default "best interest" position. 

Dad is the primary caregiver?  Knows the teachers, doctors, etc?  Kids doing well in school?  Have some established social circle/community?

If the answer to most of this is yes, then what is the upside to disruption associated with removing the kids from their home, school, friends, community?   i.e., your stbx is free to move but is not free to unilaterally relocate the kids, and is certainly not free to make false claims in order to justify this plan.

Nice job staying calm.  If your stbx is anything like my uBPDx, indifference/grey rock is initially infuriating because they are accustomed to getting some type of attention - negative or otherwise - from their antics.  When the attention fades abruptly, it's almost like a rejection - and the response to this perceived insult can be rage or at least highly charged emoting...  I wouldn't describe this behavior as "normal" but it is a familiar pattern in the B-Cluster community.  In other words, you're not alone...

A lot of what you're describing is outlined in the book, Splitting.  I must have read it 3-4 times when I went through my divorce.  Even if you've already read it, read it again.

Hang in there.

[ForeverDad]

If she's been diagnosed with Borderline, then you can mention it, but otherwise don't be surprised if you mention a specific disorder that court will look at you sideways through squinted eyes and tell you that you're not a trained professional (even though you know her better - 10 years - than almost anyone else).

My court and the professionals (lawyers, CPS, custody evaluator, etc) all studiously avoided the mental health topic, at first.  But even when they had to face it, they never named it.  Even the custody evaluation, though it included a few mental health diagnostic tests such as the respected MMPI-2 (now the MMPI-3 is in use) never once named a diagnosis.  My CE stated he was not there to diagnose but look at us both closely and recommend to the court how custody and parenting should be handled.

So essentially everyone in the System just deals with our problem parents with documented behavior and documentation.  Evidence.  Usually that's a wise path with our efforts too.

[mikejones75093]

If she has filed allegations, it's hard for a court not to respond, but cautiously.  This is probably a matter of ex parte where the judge can issue a temp order allowing time for the other parent to be assessed but then have to follow up with a hearing in a couple weeks where both parents appear so both parents have an opportunity to briefly present their arguments and for any other professionals' reports to be considered.

I emphasize the word briefly.  My first hearings were scheduled for a half hour.  Focus on the more important matters.  I recall when I had typed up a list of 11 issues, grouped by topic.  We only covered the first few and then time was up. My mistake was that I didn't list the more urgent issues first.  Prioritize your lists.

One risk is that only you are assessed since you are the claimed perp.  See how that starts you off as seen cast in a bad light?  So while you should be cleared, no one takes a similar scrutiny of your stbEx.  So I'm pleased to hear that your lawyer will file papers too, and hope that your spouse is scrutinized as well.

However, understand that court often faces spouses who squabble and bicker, full of emotions.  How do you and your lawyer present a case that this is not a divorce that is inciting the emotional bickering but much deeper roots about subtle and not so subtle mental health concerns?  Do your best but likely this is the start of a long journey.

Your spouse will be the one sabotaging and complaining and filing even more allegations when these current ones are closed as "unsubstantiated" or at least not rising to the level of being "actionable".  You must be the parent with solutions.  Even if the court may not take notice at first.

Beware of being too nice or agreeable (gifting of your income).  All you need to do is be courteous and not nasty.  That's all the court expects, being too generous or to "fair" will not gain you any brownie points.  Try to limit how much you're obligated to pay for ex's new rental or other monetary splurges.

Do not agree to stbEx to get authorization to move the children to other schools.  Sure, court can allow her to do that, but you don't have to agree, you can state that you believe it is unwise.  As a father and one of two parents you can stand up for yourself.

It is ex parte but the judge had a jury trial so it was not looked at Friday.  My attorney prepared a response to every allegation with documented proof.  I have no idea how this works but hopefully my attorney got it right.

I am being courteous but not nasty.  Brief to the point in a nice tone but not giving anything away.  This is really bothering her.  She keeps escalating everytime she doesn't get the response she wants.

After everything she did to defend herself my kid came up to me today and said mom told me to go tell you that.  Damn, caught in a lie.  I already knew it though.

I haven't told the court she is diagnosed.  That was 10 years ago and the therapist made us sign a letter saying she doesn't go to court.

I'm really hoping this does not get granted.  Since we had the weekend we were able to file our response up front with documenting plus our own ex parte request against her.

In boxing they always say don't let it go tonthe judges.  I'm so anxious.

[mikejones75093]

I'm sure your atty is sharp, but I'll add that the best interest of the children is usually the guiding principal - and continuity / status quo is often a default "best interest" position. 

Dad is the primary caregiver?  Knows the teachers, doctors, etc?  Kids doing well in school?  Have some established social circle/community?

If the answer to most of this is yes, then what is the upside to disruption associated with removing the kids from their home, school, friends, community?   i.e., your stbx is free to move but is not free to unilaterally relocate the kids, and is certainly not free to make false claims in order to justify this plan.

Nice job staying calm.  If your stbx is anything like my uBPDx, indifference/grey rock is initially infuriating because they are accustomed to getting some type of attention - negative or otherwise - from their antics.  When the attention fades abruptly, it's almost like a rejection - and the response to this perceived insult can be rage or at least highly charged emoting...  I wouldn't describe this behavior as "normal" but it is a familiar pattern in the B-Cluster community.  In other words, you're not alone...

A lot of what you're describing is outlined in the book, Splitting.  I must have read it 3-4 times when I went through my divorce.  Even if you've already read it, read it again.

Hang in there.

I appreciate it.

I will reread it.  I don't sleep a lot these days.

I am the care taker,  and the kids have all their activities in the community.   

She's playing battered mom, but it's all hearsay.  She said I drink and do drugs,  no proof or anything.   Well I don't do that.

Her financial abuse accusation,  now that I can document clearly why it's not and I provided everything to my attorney and detailed it very specific.

I'm just praying everyday.   I can't believe someone can be so evil.

She gets exclusive possession I get none.  I can have supervised visits at her discretion by a supervisor she pics.  Complete garbage of a person to fabricate to get their way and let that happen.

[ForeverDad]

Exclusive... supervised visits only... all par for the course in some of our more extreme cases.

My ex wanted supervised.  Two weeks later the court nixed that idea, they had "no concerns" about me.  Yet everyone ignored my ex's parenting.  Good that you're lawyer has filed for her to be scrutinized as well.

Make sure your lawyer knows about the therapist.  I'm told most therapists and counselors refuse to testify in court because they can't risk the hassle of lawsuits or complaints to licensing boards.  However, all is not lost.  If a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is assigned to be the kids' lawyer or a Custody Evaluation is ordered, then they typically will provide a background to the GAL or CE.

[SaltyDawg]

If your attorney thinks this is a good idea, have yourself drug tested and tested for BAC ( breathalyzer ) to discredit the false allegation of drugs and alcohol - and then have your attorney request the same of your wife so she is subjected to similar harassment that she is instigating on you.  If she does use drugs and/or drinks, she has a lot more to lose than you do.  It will also cast her in the same light she is casting you.

[mikejones75093]

If your attorney thinks this is a good idea, have yourself drug tested and tested for BAC ( breathalyzer ) to discredit the false allegation of drugs and alcohol - and then have your attorney request the same of your wife so she is subjected to similar harassment that she is instigating on you.  If she does use drugs and/or drinks, she has a lot more to lose than you do.  It will also cast her in the same light she is casting you.

We were going to be proactive and have all of that completed at our temporary orders hearing.  We didn't realize she was going to try and take a cheap shot so haven't done it yet.  Attorney is aware and I told her let me know when and I'll take it.

[mikejones75093]

Exclusive... supervised visits only... all par for the course in some of our more extreme cases.

My ex wanted supervised.  Two weeks later the court nixed that idea, they had "no concerns" about me.  Yet everyone ignored my ex's parenting.  Good that you're lawyer has filed for her to be scrutinized as well.

Make sure your lawyer knows about the therapist.  I'm told most therapists and counselors refuse to testify in court because they can't risk the hassle of lawsuits or complaints to licensing boards.  However, all is not lost.  If a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is assigned to be the kids' lawyer or a Custody Evaluation is ordered, then they typically will provide a background to the GAL or CE.

My attorney filed an ex parte order on her that includes my response to her.

I saw a copy of what my spouse filed, and it looks like her attorney just copy and pasted her rant.

I saw the draft of mine and it reads very well and includes things like see exhibit a, see exhibit b

I hate letting this go to a judge.  Just ask any boxer.   But I'm praying and hoping for the best.  All she has is hearsay.  I was able to respond to all of her allegations with documentation.

Spouse was supposed to work today.  If it's granted she's packing them and going today. 

[ForeverDad]

When I separated and we both had TPOs against each other, the court ordered psych evals.  I   Mine was a short visit to a county agency.  I did have an attorney but she was from a neighboring county, fairly new but she did recommend someone local for my divorce.  Here's a summary of what happened to me versus one concept to avoid lack of compliance.  You lawyer sounds on top of things and so may not have to hold your reports in escrow while waiting for the other party to also comply.

We had a court order psych evals early in our case for both of us.  That started as a good thing but I flubbed it.  The risk with such orders is three-fold.  First, if only you get ordered to comply then you are typically seen as the accused and the other as the victim, not good.  You need the other parent to be scrutinized too!  If any order could cast you as the perp or let the other parent avoid being scrutinized, then if at all possible, get any ordered evaluations applied to both of you.  Second, these are only an overview of a person's mental state and don't even try to assess the impact on parenting and the children.  Third, the other spouse may not comply.  That's what happened to me.

During my separation in 2005-2006 we both were ordered to submit to psych evals and provide our results to the court and lawyers.  I complied.  (The quickie eval concluded I had "anxiety".)  Then silence.  Where was then-stbEx's eval?  To this day I still haven't seen it nor do I know whether she even got a psych eval at all...

My conclusion:  Any order, deal or process where both of you have to do something and provide it to the court and lawyers, you cannot risk complying first.  There is real risk the other side will simply not comply and not even be held accountable.  So I advocate this in such situations:  Tell your lawyer you have complied, maybe even provide the results to your lawyer but then instruct your lawyer to hold it (sort of as is done in escrow) until the other party is ready to exchange the results.

[mikejones75093]

When I separated and we both had TPOs against each other, the court ordered psych evals.  I   Mine was a short visit to a county agency.  I did have an attorney but she was from a neighboring county, fairly new but she did recommend someone local for my divorce.  Here's a summary of what happened to me versus one concept to avoid lack of compliance.  You lawyer sounds on top of things and so may not have to hold your reports in escrow while waiting for the other party to also comply.

I'll remember that.  I appreciate the advice

No word on the tro yet.  Don't know if that's good or bad.  Not serious enough that a judge pushed it back another day.

She's already rented a house, furnished it, set up utilities and jnternet and has moving boxes.  If this is granted she's gone.

I got the final copy of my response to her tro and the tro I filed.  It reads very well so I am hopefull.  All of the accusations we have documentation to show is not true, except that I'm a drug user, that's her word against mine.  I don't use drugs and she knows it.

As the kids primary care taker, I hope the judge rules for me.

[EyesUp]

Good luck, Mike.

Hopefully the judge can see clearly through the circumstances.  Keep us posted.

No matter what happens at this stage, you have a lot more parenting to look forward to...  either way, stay strong for your kids.  You'll get through this.

[mikejones75093]

So her tro was not granted and mine was.  It's temporary but the kids residence cannot be moved and I did not lose possession.  Big relief

Have a court hearing in a few weeks. 

[ForeverDad]

This is good.  You've gotten a decent start to a practical (less bad) temporary order.  You can breathe a little easier.

But it's not over nor quite won.  Be prepared for anything from sweet talking to undo the divorce and come back all the way to more extreme allegations.  Or the full range from manipulation to demands.  And not just allegations, be prepared not to be caught off guard and framed as a bad guy.  Best not to have in person contact (without a trusted witness) to reduce risk of her claiming how bad you were.  In my divorce process we made child exchanges at the local sheriff's office.  But she still claimed I behaved badly, even there.

The clock is ticking now.  You must behave as though the court is sitting on your shoulder.  No nasty talk, no spiteful words, no revenge, always always behave decently.  You don't have to be overly nice nor enabling, court doesn't care how nice you are, they just want you to behave decently.

[mikejones75093]

This is good.  You've gotten a decent start to a practical (less bad) temporary order.  You can breathe a little easier.

But it's not over nor quite won.  Be prepared for anything from sweet talking to undo the divorce and come back all the way to more extreme allegations.  Or the full range from manipulation to demands.  And not just allegations, be prepared not to be caught off guard and framed as a bad guy.  Best not to have in person contact (without a trusted witness) to reduce risk of her claiming how bad you were.  In my divorce process we made child exchanges at the local sheriff's office.  But she still claimed I behaved badly, even there.

The clock is ticking now.  You must behave as though the court is sitting on your shoulder.  No nasty talk, no spiteful words, no revenge, always always behave decently.  You don't have to be overly nice nor enabling, court doesn't care how nice you are, they just want you to behave decently.

She hasn't moved out yet and I have my phone on record 24/7.  I'm joe Montana cool under pressure right now.  If anything I'm being sweet to her.   Not giving in or letting her control me, but I am being very nice.  She's already called me fake multiple times.  

Now that the kids can't be taken I don't think she will move until the temporary order hearing in a couple of weeks.  From my understanding that will determine a temp custody schedule.  I am hoping since I am their main care taker and she's leaving the house, I get managing conservatoe

[SinisterComplex]

Being Joe Cool is one thing, but you have to go about this Tom Brady Style...maniacally and methodically. Perfection. In essence, just practice being firm and indifferent and keep your eye on the prize.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[mikejones75093]

Being Joe Cool is one thing, but you have to go about this Tom Brady Style...maniacally and methodically. Perfection. In essence, just practice being firm and indifferent and keep your eye on the prize.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Firm and indifferent is the way to go? 

The social media smear campaign fired back up.  She is worried about her physical and mental health.  Seriously?   The last fight I was in was in elementary school.  Families that know our kids are all commenting on her bs posts.  I haven't said anything,  acting like I don't even know they exist, but wow.  Way to false ruin somebody in the community.

[GaGrl]

The social media situation is part of the long game. It's difficult, I know, but the truth will out.

[mikejones75093]

The social media situation is part of the long game. It's difficult, I know, but the truth will out.

I'm hoping.  Normally I get blocked so I can't see.   This time I wasn't.  Think it was a calculated move to bait me into a response.   Acting like I have no idea.

[SaltyDawg]

I'm hoping.  Normally I get blocked so I can't see.   This time I wasn't.  Think it was a calculated move to bait me into a response.   Acting like I have no idea.

You must resist the urge to respond, especially in a negative light.  If you feel that you must respond, use BIFF, and take the high road and say something along the lines of:

"My wife has elected to end our marriage of xx years and has made untrue statements about me.  This is an outcome that I did not expect or want; however, I have to accept.  In the interest of insulating our children from her false allegations, I will not publicly engage in addressing her disparagement of me.  If you would like clarification on any of the untrue statements my wife has made please contact me directly in a private message as it is not my intent to publicly address this very private matter.  Thank you for your time and understanding of this difficult time for our family."

This will serve a few purposes, that you are taking the high road, you will not engage in a public smear campaign like she is, you are casting doubt on the believability of all of her statements if they are true or not, without calling specific attention to a particular statement.  And offering to make clarifications to those who are in doubt.

Be mindful, anything you do or say can and will be used against you in a court of divorce.  You must be on best behavior at all times.  Less is best when it comes to sharing information, don't overshare.  You need to show the court (not her friends) that you are the better parent.  Let her smear you, keep screen shots as evidence of her alienating the kids against you, let her hang herself with her own rope.  However, quietly do damage control, and posting a message like this would be damage control.

You need to be very proactive in this process, and not let her walk all over you like a doormat.

What do you think?

Take care with self-care (including damage control)

SD

[EyesUp]

Personally, I unplugged when I went through this - zero social media posting.

That said, if you are compelled to respond or make some statement, here's a variation on SaltyDog's theme:

"Friends, I am taking a break from social media for the foreseeable future. Please do not hesitate to reach out directly, anytime, especially if you have concerns or questions about any other posts you may see online. Thank you for your understanding and for respecting our privacy at this difficult time for our family."

Of course, find your own voice - but keep in mind:  Anything you post is for your judge. 

Your friends and family and stbx are all secondary audience.  Don't post ANYTHING that isn't written with your judge front and center in your mind, and definitely don't post anything when you have an elevated heart rate.

One day at a time. 

Good job getting through the RO hearing.

[mikejones75093]

You must resist the urge to respond, especially in a negative light.  If you feel that you must respond, use BIFF, and take the high road and say something along the lines of:

"My wife has elected to end our marriage of xx years and has made untrue statements about me.  This is an outcome that I did not expect or want; however, I have to accept.  In the interest of insulating our children from her false allegations, I will not publicly engage in addressing her disparagement of me.  If you would like clarification on any of the untrue statements my wife has made please contact me directly in a private message as it is not my intent to publicly address this very private matter.  Thank you for your time and understanding of this difficult time for our family."

This will serve a few purposes, that you are taking the high road, you will not engage in a public smear campaign like she is, you are casting doubt on the believability of all of her statements if they are true or not, without calling specific attention to a particular statement.  And offering to make clarifications to those who are in doubt.

Be mindful, anything you do or say can and will be used against you in a court of divorce.  You must be on best behavior at all times.  Less is best when it comes to sharing information, don't overshare.  You need to show the court (not her friends) that you are the better parent.  Let her smear you, keep screen shots as evidence of her alienating the kids against you, let her hang herself with her own rope.  However, quietly do damage control, and posting a message like this would be damage control.

You need to be very proactive in this process, and not let her walk all over you like a doormat.

What do you think?

Take care with self-care (including damage control)

SD

I hate social media and never post.  I found out from friends then checked and I wasn't blocked.

I didn't respond,  and haven't even let her know I know.  I'm just calm and cool right now.