I Miss My Best Friend

[BigEasyHeart]

It's been over a year since she left me and almost 1/2 year since we had any contact. I've made a lot of progress and still have a ways to go. I know this is what it is right now. But sometimes I just miss my best friend. That was what she was to me and it is a shame that has to be lost as well. That's it. No big message here. I'm just missing my buddy.

[Rev]

Hey BigEasyHeart

Thanks for sharing that. I just wanted you to know I read it.  And to let you know that you're not alone here.

Hang in there bud.  Reach out any time.

Rev

[tina7868]

It's completely normal to miss the connection you shared. Healing takes time, it isn`t linear, but it's great to hear that you've made progress. If you ever need someone to talk to or share your thoughts with, we are here for you.

[BigEasyHeart]

Thanks so much for your kind words and support Rev and tina. I appreciate it a lot!

[gaherna3]

I am just starting my journey and we have a daughter. Only been one day but I already can tell this is more of a loss of a relationship. She was my best friend as well. She was the first person I have told all my vulnerabilities to. Just know there are many of us in this journey.

[SOS Solo]

Hey Big Easy,

I am new here and your simple subject line says everything.

I am only a few months past our traumatic breakup, and I miss my best friend, too. It's like a punch-in-the-gut sadness and senseless tragedy that the good things we had are gone forever. It's not like a car accident that happens "by chance". Someone chose to end the beautiful thing we shared and it seems silly and unjust that something so beautiful cannot happen because....???? My human brain cannot comprehend what seems so senseless.

However, I guess it can't happen because what is needed for the relationship to work is a partnership that is based upon mutual understanding, sound perception, and trust. What the loss of my relationship has shown me is that those elements were never really there.

For me, I think the longing is deeply emotional, more of an idealistic longing than a realistic longing. What I think I desire most is not her, but a healthy romantic relationship with a woman who is also my best friend. There are no guarantees I will ever find that, but I am confident that what I had in my BP relationship would ultimately not fulfill that longing anyway.

I am so sorry for your loss. I share the grieving with you.

[BigEasyHeart]

I am just starting my journey and we have a daughter. Only been one day but I already can tell this is more of a loss of a relationship. She was my best friend as well. She was the first person I have told all my vulnerabilities to. Just know there are many of us in this journey.

Thanks gaherna,

I think your statement about the vulnerabilities is spot on. It was so nice to feel safe and supported enough to share those things with someone and be accepted (and even appreciated) for them. I think that is what makes it especially tough when these things are used against you when you become the villain. As one person put it, you shared your vulnerabilities and they were later weaponized against you.

Thanks so much for sharing and for your support. I promise you that it does get better with time and work!

[BigEasyHeart]

I am only a few months past our traumatic breakup, and I miss my best friend, too. It's like a punch-in-the-gut sadness and senseless tragedy that the good things we had are gone forever. It's not like a car accident that happens "by chance". Someone chose to end the beautiful thing we shared and it seems silly and unjust that something so beautiful cannot happen because....???? My human brain cannot comprehend what seems so senseless.

Thanks for your support SOS. You put it well when you wrote "punch-in-the-gut sadness". That is really what it was. I feel the same way about the senselessness of it all but go back and forth on the idea that this person "chose" to end things the way they did. I mean it was a choice but I don't think it was one in the same way we normally think of it. I think people with this disorder feel so much shame, guilt, and pain that they cannot bear to sit with it. So, they project these bad feelings onto their partner and put themselves in the role of victim. The consequence of this "splitting" is that they see the other person as the source of all their pain and the only solution for them is to get away from them. It is hard for us to imagine this kind of thinking or pain because it is not "logical" to us. There must be an intense amount of desperation to be "free". The best metaphor for this that I can come up with is it is like an animal chewing its own foot off to get out of a trap.

Anyway, thank you again for your response. I'm glad you found this space and I promise it does get better with time.

[tina7868]

That is really what it was. I feel the same way about the senselessness of it all but go back and forth on the idea that this person "chose" to end things the way they did. I mean it was a choice but I don't think it was one in the same way we normally think of it. I think people with this disorder feel so much shame, guilt, and pain that they cannot bear to sit with it. So, they project these bad feelings onto their partner and put themselves in the role of victim. The consequence of this "splitting" is that they see the other person as the source of all their pain and the only solution for them is to get away from them. It is hard for us to imagine this kind of thinking or pain because it is not "logical" to us. There must be an intense amount of desperation to be "free". The best metaphor for this that I can come up with is it is like an animal chewing its own foot off to get out of a trap.

Hey BigEasyHeart,

Thanks for putting into words an aspect that has taken me a while to get my head around. When trying to understand what in the world happened in my past relationship, it was hard to see all the different threads that explained what went wrong. Were we incompatible? Were my baggage and poor communication skills to blame? Did he just lose interest in me? Then, seeing beyond what felt like a rejection on his part, and understanding that what made things messy was the fact that there were lots of different reasons. What if it had been confusing for him too? What if he was protecting himself? What if it had to not make sense for a while for it to then make sense now? It doesn`t take away from the validity of the pain and confusion, and I think it is sad, but there are many lessons.