Help: I’ve made things worse for my mother who lives with my BPD sister

[sistersbpd]

I’m 69 and my sister is 67. Going through the latest of an almost 30 year period of not only not being on the pedestal she used to have me on but receiving long vitriolic epistles listing all my character flaws, worthless life choices, habits, wrong doings and demands that I answer questions of incidents in our past that if I would just answer them, her past would be solved and she could have “closure” and says that if I do she will provide the reasons why I’m having some temporary issues with my youngest stepchild, whom she hasn’t seen since she was 7 and she’s now 31. And I will never hear from her again or see her except at our mother’s funeral. She lives with our 91 year old mother and screams her rage at her whenever the mood takes her.
I was so excited to discover BPD and the more I read, the more convinced I became that she not only had BPD, she had it really badly and probably NOD too. I talked to my mum about it twice, and unfortunately the second time my sister heard everything. She’d snuck back in after telling mum she was going out and sat in the hall and listened to everything. I was just so relieved to find a reason/excuse for her horrid behaviour and communications, I could feel decades of anxiety drop from my shoulders. I was also excited that I might have a roadmap for Mum and I to use to have a better, smoother relationship with her on equal terms and not on “is this going to set her off so we avoid saying what we really think or feel” terms. This latest episode spun out when I finally said something and told her that my husband had read her latest text, in which she insulted him again, and I stood up for him.
I know I’m not perfect, I really do, but I also know I’m kind, compassionate and never say or write ugly, hurtful, horrible, skewed truths to her or anyone. You know that line from a Clint Eastwood movie “You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”? That is how my husband and I joke to each other and make me feel better after her latest condemnation.
Thanks.

[wantmorepeace]

Hello!  I understand why you feel bad about what happened with your mother, but you were doing your best in an extremely difficult situation.  I've had something similar happen.  No fun, but eventually stopped being discussed except for being raised briefly years later and dropped again.  I'm glad you have a ritual that can make you feel better.  Those condemnations are not about you!

[kells76]

Hi sistersbpd and welcome 

Seven decades of BPD behavior in a family is a lot. It's good to hear that you now have a frame of reference for what happened and what is happening, and that your husband is supportive of you and helps you through the drama.

Would you say that your biggest concern right now is the impact on your mom?

Are there any other family members involved in caring for your mom? Is your dad in the picture?

Fill us in on how things have been going;

kells76