My sister with BPD just caused one of the worst days of my life.

[decembersunset]

My sister with BPD just caused one of the worst days of my life.

I (29F) and my sister wBPD (25F) were having a conversation. Just a conversation. For context, I have been having a hard time with her splitting lately, which happens alot if she perceives that you don’t agree with her on everything she says in a conversation. She’ll start being sarcastic at best, or screaming and insulting at worst. I’m also her primary target for her rage episodes.

It’s led to me having a shorter and shorter fuse over the years where when she splits, I will go LC to NC with her for awhile before we can repair. Sometimes lately, it has led to me admittedly engaging in reactivity. It’s not right, I’m just so tired. She’s breaking me.

In our last conversation, I wanted to apologize to her because even though I’m tired, I still want to communicate and interact in the healthiest way I can. She then said something very personal and rude to me, which I gently pushed back on. She tried to reiterate it, but I pushed back again. She quickly realized that I wasn’t going to agree with her (one of her biggest triggers). Cue immediate screaming from her at the absolute top of her lungs.

At this point, I said quietly that I don’t wish to continue the conversation if yelling is involved. At this, she began chasing me throughout the house all the while screaming “COME BACK HERE, I’M GOING TO F****** **STRANGLE YOU”.

She pushed through a door I was trying to close between myself and her. She cornered me into a room. I finally was able to successfully close a door to keep her away from me. I and my boyfriend had to leave my family’s home in the middle of the night to book a hotel because neither he or I felt safe there anymore.

Cherry on top of the cake was the next morning when my dad called me, agitated, asking me what I did to provoke her? My mom also asked the same thing in a separate call. They asked me “What did I do? What could I have done differently?” I’m tired of their enablement of her and I’m tired of my sister wBPD ruining meals, holidays, and birthdays. Over and over and over again.

My birthday is today and this is the first Thanksgiving and birthday that I have ever spent away from my family. Looks like it won’t be the last. I can’t stop thinking about the look she had in her eyes when she was screaming at me and chasing me down. I can’t get calm, even days later. I’m tired. I’m done. Thanks for listening to me vent

[SaltyDawg]

Cherry on top of the cake was the next morning when my dad called me, agitated, asking me what I did to provoke her? My mom also asked the same thing in a separate call. They asked me “What did I do? What could I have done differently?” I’m tired of their enablement of her and I’m tired of my sister wBPD ruining meals, holidays, and birthdays. Over and over and over again.

DecemberSunset,

Welcome to BPDfamily.com & I hope you have a reasonably happy birthday given your current circumstances which can be extremely disheartening.  It can be incredibly frustrating to put up with that kind of stuff with your sister. 

If your sister is diagnosed BPD, your parents should realize the issue is with your sister and not you, even though you did trigger her by pushing back on her apparent false narrative she was accusing you of.

The best thing to do in that case, when you detect the argument is going nowhere is to grey rock (https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) or do not JADE which is not to Justify Argue Defend or Explain something to someone who is irrationally telling you otherwise.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0)

There are plenty of tools here to manage a BPD relationship.  Also, we 'get it' as all of us here have been on the receiving end of similar type behavior that you have described.  Feel free to vent, and ask questions.

I am proud that you were able to do a firm boundary of leaving the house, and you might want to explain that to your parents that you refuse to be treated in the manner that your sister's angry outburst did to you.  You didn't mention if your sister still lived at home with your parents.  If this is the case, encourage your parents to have a conversation when everyone has had a chance to cool down and everyone's emotions are regulated, as your sister was obviously dysregulated with her emotions to the point of being physically abusive (with the door).

With everything being as emotional as it is, be sure to do self-care as these kinds of relationships are so emotionally draining.

Take care with self-care.

SD

[decembersunset]

The best thing to do in that case, when you detect the argument is going nowhere is to grey rock (https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method) or do not JADE which is not to Justify Argue Defend or Explain something to someone who is irrationally telling you otherwise.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0)

This is very helpful, thank you so much. I will remember the grey rocking technique as well as to avoid “JADE”-ing.

Could I ask you if there are other techniques that you have found useful personally? Again, thank you for your response. It really helps to know that I’m not alone and that this is a safe place to talk about hard things with a sense of safety, and support. 

[CC43]

December, it sounds like you have a lot of common sense.  Having a person with BPD in your life can be draining.  I'm still learning how to cope with a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, who is now close in age to your sister.  Like your sister, she has uncontrolled rages and threatens her loved ones, including extended family.  She is always the victim and never responsible for her actions.  She never apologizes for her atrocious behavior, either.  She's scary, and she's scared others, pushing almost everyone in her life away.  And yes, she's ruined many days, ranking amongst the top ten worst days in my life.

Some things that have helped me cope include the following.  First and foremost, I see her as a young child, emotionally speaking, and yet she faces an adult world with adult-level stresses and challenges.  Because she can't handle these challenges, she has meltdowns and lashes out, like a nasty teen or sometimes even a toddler.  She can't help it!  But thinking of her as "childish" also gives me some hope that with the right therapy and practice, she'll eventually learn how not to be so "sensitive" and react on her negative emotions without regard to consequences.  Lately it appears that she's made some baby steps in the right direction.  But I'm cautions, because stressors or small disappointments can trigger her.

Secondly, I think young adults with BPD resent their immediate families because they are so dependent on them.  One thing my stepdaughter repeats often is that everyone treats her like a little girl.  Well, that is basically projection on her part--she feels like a little girl because she hasn't achieved adult milestones like graduating college, getting a real job, having a romantic relationship or being self-sufficient.  These shortcomings are eating her alive with shame, and moreover she's incredibly jealous of peers and siblings who seem to take adulting in stride.  That might be why your sister is targeting you during her rages:  you are what she aspires to become, and she's furious that you've left her behind.  She can't fathom that you aren't just as messed up as she is (I bet she blames your parents for "messing her up").  To make her bad parenting theory sound, she needs you to be messed up too.  On top of that, she wants you to be as miserable as she is, and feel the extent of her pain.  She needs to blame others, because if she doesn't, she'd have to take responsibility for herself, which is both scary and shameful, and more work than she's willing to undertake.

Finally I understand how tiring it must be for you to cope.  Part of the reason it's so tiring is that "normal" interactions just don't work with people with BPD.  It's like we need an instruction manual to avoid triggers, feelings of abandonment, slights, criticisms, etc.  In the case of my stepdaughter, simple "conversations" are often deemed "confrontations."  But what is "simple" or "normal" to most people doesn't feel that way to her.  She has a trauma response--everything is deemed a threat.

Just my two cents.  Good luck to you.

[SaltyDawg]

Could I ask you if there are other techniques that you have found useful personally? Again, thank you for your response. It really helps to know that I’m not alone and that this is a safe place to talk about hard things with a sense of safety, and support. 

DecemberSunset,

There is a tremendous amount of tools (techniques) and there is plenty of reading and learning to do.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0 is a good start, on this site.  Depending on the intention or goal will depend on which tool or tools to use for a particular scenario - must be learned, as these are not intuitive.

I also recommend the following book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad

Since my undiagnosed wife is only partially self-aware of her condition, I am also experimenting with crisis communication techniques which is a modification of the SET communication listed in section 1.16 from the above link but reduces the emphasis on the "T" portion.

This is a huge rabbit hole, a lot of effort for limited gains.  Read, ask questions, begin using the tools, get yourself into therapy with a therapist that understands the dynamics to implement many of the tools.

My most important recommendation is to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.  For me it includes exercise outdoors, long hot showers, getting lost in a good movie/book/tv series, emotional therapy for myself, etc.

Ask questions, share more of your story if you wish.  While the specific circumstances are different the behaviors are quite similar for our pwBPD (persons with BPD).

Take care with self-care.

SD