just let it be

[tina7868]

Hello! It feels like it`s time for me to start a new post. Buckle up!

I don`t know exactly how long it`s been since I last spoke to my ex, maybe around 5-6 months now. Lately, I`ve been feeling a shift. I had spent so long navigating difficult feelings. I used to wake up with a heavy heart. I would comfort myself with hope that I would hear from him again, asking the universe to please bring us back together. And that did make me feel better for a while. Now, out of habit, I will do the same, but there isn`t any feeling behind it anymore. It`s strange, I am perplexed almost, because like I said I am so used to seeing things this way. I wake up and I just go about my day.

It has been fruitful for me in the past to take stock my journey. Thankfully, because I posted here through ups and downs, I can follow what my state of mind was. When reading through my posts, a timeline emerges.

- June, July: wanting to hear from him, feeling sad and upset, not understanding his actions, nor my reactions, very well. feeling stuck. starting, slowly, to shift towards understanding my own background and how it set me up to find it so difficult to let go, to seek validation in someone else.

- August: going on a vacation that helped me `unplug` for a while, and starting to get comfortable or at least contemplate moving on completely.

- September: many changes in life (new city, new job), adjusting, allowing myself to grieve! I felt sad and it was normal and okay! looking at the bigger picture, about the pressure I put on myself to be `perfect`, and shifting towards being more authentic, accepting that I make mistakes, doing things because I want to do them instead of because I feel like I need to

- October: a healthy and whole Tina emerging, able to define myself more clearly. Knowing I actually take pride in being an adoring partner. still grieving the dream I had about a life with him. Knowing I am stubborn, naive, obsessive! But I can learn. Knowing the relationship was significant to me, and that`s all that matters. Integrating that things not working out between us doesn`t mean there is something deeply wrong with me.

-November: revisiting what occured towards the end of the relationship, how I interpret it and understand it, and integrating the relationship into the narrative of my life story as something I can learn from. Not needing his input because how I see things is what matters, and knowing that can change too as it has in the past few months. Finally getting access to a counselor ( ), who I was able to tell my story to, which has helped me gain a better sense of `now how did I get here?`. Not caring as much, also, about how I`d respond to him reaching out. Feeling like things are less serious than they used to seem. Still grieving, but more in a bittersweet way, because i am checking off life goals by myself that i had imagined we`d do together. But maybe that`s how it needed to be.

Oscillating is normal, and I expect that I will feel down again in the future, but it`s pretty cool to be writing about feeling this way.

[SaltyDawg]

Tina,

   Thanks for sharing your thoughts.  I am glad you have a counselor and you are making good progress.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[tina7868]

Thanks, SaltyDawg

Life has been all over the place lately it seems! I`ve been working hard, still settling in! It`s been about 3 and half months of living in a new city. I think it was a good decision for me. I`m focusing on things like making my space cozy.

I have had a few therapy sessions, and they`ve been helpful! My T takes an art therapy approach, so I have been drawing a lot. I think so far a safe space has been set to radically accept where I am in my grieving process. I am working towards understanding my feelings and attachment style more. I know now I am someone who loves and feels deeply, and that a big reason as to why this whole process has been hard for me, the nature of the relationship aside, is that I cared. There is something so validating and healing about someone reflecting that back to me. `I can tell you really cared`. I`ve been told this here as well, and it made me feel so understood.

I felt really down yesterday, it reminded me of how I used to feel. Thinking about his girlfriend, about how my dream never came to be. I miss him and would love to hear from him, but it`s out of my hands. This feeling didn`t last as long as it used to, and that`s confusing to me. Is this what moving forward looks like for me? Despite being stubborn and adamant on not letting go, it seems my heart is healing on its own. I didn`t need to tell it to stop caring, I didn`t need to push him away from me. These same thoughts that used to send me in a tailspin now just mildly annoy me.

[SaltyDawg]

Life has been all over the place lately it seems! I`ve been working hard, still settling in! It`s been about 3 and half months of living in a new city. I think it was a good decision for me. I`m focusing on things like making my space cozy.

From what you have described, you are taking the opportunity to create a new beginning for you, and you are taking care of yourself.  I personally like warm cozy spaces.


I have had a few therapy sessions, and they`ve been helpful! My T takes an art therapy approach, so I have been drawing a lot. I think so far a safe space has been set to radically accept where I am in my grieving process. I am working towards understanding my feelings and attachment style more. I know now I am someone who loves and feels deeply, and that a big reason as to why this whole process has been hard for me, the nature of the relationship aside, is that I cared. There is something so validating and healing about someone reflecting that back to me. `I can tell you really cared`. I`ve been told this here as well, and it made me feel so understood.

It doesn't really matter what kind of therapy you get, as long as it is working for you and you feel as though you are getting something out of it.  I do like the graphic arts; however, I am not too good at it, my forte is photography / A/V which is a bit different than drawing and/or painting.  If you didn't care, you wouldn't be here.  I personally feel as though anyone who post here on these boards cares about the welfare of others more than most people can or even understand.


I felt really down yesterday, it reminded me of how I used to feel. Thinking about his girlfriend, about how my dream never came to be. I miss him and would love to hear from him, but it`s out of my hands.

Some days will be good, some days will be bad, and some really bad.  It is so hard not to think about a past relationship, especially the most recent one.  You are right, 'it's out of your hands'.


This feeling didn`t last as long as it used to, and that`s confusing to me. Is this what moving forward looks like for me? Despite being stubborn and adamant on not letting go, it seems my heart is healing on its own. I didn`t need to tell it to stop caring, I didn`t need to push him away from me. These same thoughts that used to send me in a tailspin now just mildly annoy me.

I think you have great insight into what your healing looks like.  They say 'time heals all wounds'.  As you get further away from the breakup, the negative feelings won't last as long, nor will they be as intense as a fresh wound, and your heart is healing on its own.  Listen to your gut feelings, I personally think you are starting to move beyond the relationship with your ex, and grow stronger as what used to bother you so much now only you find it an annoyance.

Be sure to continue to do self care, moving to a new city in a new cozy space is part of your self care, and I think that is great; however, once you have settled you can distract yourself with other things.  Also do other self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

[tina7868]

Thanks again for your reply, SaltyDawg  . Bringing plants into my space has made a huge difference.

As the year draws to an end, I become reflective again. A little frustrated, I admit, at my internal struggle to let go. It feels like, at this point, I am very much limiting my own potential. I guess I`m sad, because a part of me hoped I would hear from him by this time of year. It`s been almost six months.

I also realize my own behaviour has been different : I didn`t reach out at all. Maybe, I`m thinking, what kept the cycle going for so long, was, in part, my own impulsivity. I noticed (why was I even checking...) that the account he had disactivated, the one we were communicating through, is now active again. It doesn`t mean anything, he`s living his life, but for some reason this point is on my mind.

It helps to remember why I chose to do this. I am not only respecting his boundaries, but I am also learning to live without the strong hold he had over me. It`s hard. I feel more decisive, I ask myself `what would make me happy?` more and more. I feel power in that, more control of my own life. Even if he was open to reconnecting, I want to be able to decide whether I want this or not, instead of `needing` to say yes, on whatever terms, as has been the case in the past.

A journey, indeed.

[SaltyDawg]

Tina,

   I must apologize for not responding sooner.

   I agree that bringing plants into your space is very comforting.  It is something that is alive, and can be very beautiful to look at.

   Regarding your internal struggles, I find there are good days, and bad days.  I cherish the good days, and as things heal the bad days will become fewer and fewer.

   It sounds as though you are ruminating again, about your ex.  The holidays are notorious for drawing out these feelings when the one you you have been with is not with you.  I too from time to time check up on old relationships, this is only human.  For my uBPD/uNPD/+exgf it was initially every few months, then years, I even checked just recently after not checking for more than four years.  This too, with time, will become less and less.
   

It helps to remember why I chose to do this. I am not only respecting his boundaries, but I am also learning to live without the strong hold he had over me. It`s hard. I feel more decisive, I ask myself `what would make me happy?` more and more. I feel power in that, more control of my own life. Even if he was open to reconnecting, I want to be able to decide whether I want this or not, instead of `needing` to say yes, on whatever terms, as has been the case in the past.

I am glad you are learning to adapt to your 'new normal' and reflect on this as it is showing me that you are very self-aware and are growing emotionally throughout this.

Now that it is the new year, perhaps make a new resolution for yourself, a goal of sorts on where you want to be in a year's time with all of this.  What do you think of this?

Take care with self-care.

SD

[thepixies21]

Hi Tina! I just wanted to say that reading this thread you made here has been extremely helpful for me, and it's been timely with some of the things I'm struggling with at the moment. I've never been good at being kind to myself, especially while going through this process of trying to leave my partner, so hearing you say that you're able to better ask yourself what you want rather than immediately needing to say yes was encouraging. I also appreciate you speaking about how you're now able to take pride in being an adoring partner. I think I'm discounting some of my good qualities as part of my codependency, and it's helpful to remember this. So thanks again!

[tina7868]

Thanks for your reply SaltyDawg

Hi Tina! I just wanted to say that reading this thread you made here has been extremely helpful for me, and it's been timely with some of the things I'm struggling with at the moment. I've never been good at being kind to myself, especially while going through this process of trying to leave my partner, so hearing you say that you're able to better ask yourself what you want rather than immediately needing to say yes was encouraging. I also appreciate you speaking about how you're now able to take pride in being an adoring partner. I think I'm discounting some of my good qualities as part of my codependency, and it's helpful to remember this. So thanks again!

Hi thepixies21! Thank you for your reply, it means a lot to me. It`s all a process!

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks again for your reply, SaltyDawg  . Bringing plants into my space has made a huge difference.

As the year draws to an end, I become reflective again. A little frustrated, I admit, at my internal struggle to let go. It feels like, at this point, I am very much limiting my own potential. I guess I`m sad, because a part of me hoped I would hear from him by this time of year. It`s been almost six months.

I also realize my own behaviour has been different : I didn`t reach out at all. Maybe, I`m thinking, what kept the cycle going for so long, was, in part, my own impulsivity. I noticed (why was I even checking...) that the account he had disactivated, the one we were communicating through, is now active again. It doesn`t mean anything, he`s living his life, but for some reason this point is on my mind.

It helps to remember why I chose to do this. I am not only respecting his boundaries, but I am also learning to live without the strong hold he had over me. It`s hard. I feel more decisive, I ask myself `what would make me happy?` more and more. I feel power in that, more control of my own life. Even if he was open to reconnecting, I want to be able to decide whether I want this or not, instead of `needing` to say yes, on whatever terms, as has been the case in the past.

A journey, indeed.

It has been a journey for you, but you are figuring it out. Honestly I think you just needed that little nudge in the right direction. For example...I didn't do anything special for you other than have you focus on your words you were writing because you already had the answers. For the most part you just needed some reassurance is all. You are a smart and tough cookie, but we all need that helping and guiding hand sometimes to help us see what we are blind to. If you are ever curious as to how far you have come I would ask you to go back over a lot of your material and look at tone, style of writing now as compared to your earlier stuff...there is a dramatic difference.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Thanks for your reply, SC. I did go back and read my earlier posts and...wow. I reacted by actually going `awww`   . I was so happy, for example, when I finally stopped reaching out to him, and now I want to say YES, this is the beginning of you deciding to choose yourself.

My T has been going in the direction of recognizing the addictive nature of the intermittent reinforcement that came with the relationship (which has still been affecting me). Like with gambling. Sometimes I wouldn`t get a response at all, sometimes a negative response, sometimes a few crumbs here and there, and, now and again, it felt like I was `winning big` (he would come back and want a relationship). I`ve admitted before that this resonates with me. In order to get to the root of the addiction, my T has asked me straightforwardly - what is it that the idea of this relationship brings to me?

I thought about it over the weekend. I had a good weekend. I went out dancing with my friends, went on a walk in nature with another friend, planned a trip with an old group of friends, got some adorable new plants. All very happy things that I love to do. I was present for them. Yet, at the end of the day, I felt sad, I could feel in my head this cloud that was my ex. To understand, you have to know where I am coming from. I always wanted to live an independent life, and when I met my ex, being with him became intricately woven with the idea of being free. I imagined going out and doing all these things, with him. I feel like now, all of these happy things feel bittersweet to me because he is not there as I had dreamed. And so, the idea of this relationship brings to me a sense of completion, a sense of my dream coming true. And I miss him when I do these things, even if we never did them together.

Of course, it wasn`t a dream especially founded in reality. I was reminded by a friend about how, when I went on a trip without my ex, he texted me about how he was talking to a girl, who didn`t know I was his girlfriend. Long story short, I got absorbed in the drama, he stopped talking to me and I spent a large chunk of that trip calling him and worrying about him. I think that now that I have more perspective I`d have realized that he wanted my attention because I was gone. But it wouldn`t have been the case necessarily that I could go on trips with my friends and he`d be there to support me or hear my stories when I got home.

[once removed]

Of course, it wasn`t a dream especially founded in reality.
...
But it wouldn`t have been the case necessarily that I could go on trips with my friends and he`d be there to support me or hear my stories when I got home.

i think thats a fair question. when we are mourning the loss of our dreams, to what extent were they realistic?

i imagined marrying my ex. when i would do so, that fantasy was impossible to separate from the reality of say, how we might parent. we had these knock down drag out fights, all the time...i felt pretty strongly about our future children never being exposed to the kind of fighting we did. would that have even been possible? and of course now, i can imagine all kinds of other potential tensions.

so, not to play "dodged a bullet", but when we take the people that we were, and follow the relationship to its logical conclusion, does it look at all like the dream we have? or, if we take who we are now, and put ourselves back in that relationship, what would it look like? would we even connect?

[tina7868]

so, not to play "dodged a bullet", but when we take the people that we were, and follow the relationship to its logical conclusion, does it look at all like the dream we have? or, if we take who we are now, and put ourselves back in that relationship, what would it look like? would we even connect?

To answer your first question, it would not have looked at all like how I imagine. It would have been a mess. I know now that I needed the space to learn about my own shortcomings, and in turn become a more compassionate, patient and understanding partner. I needed to achieve things for myself, so that I could be more confident, and thus not feel as dependent on my partner.

The second question touches on a soft spot for me. I think that I recognize that I have changed, and if I was back  in that relationship I would be less reactive and entrenched in the drama, and thus able to understand the underlying reasons my ex would behave the way he did. I think I would be better equipped to care for him and love him.

But that brings up a few other questions. Were my insecurities and dependence on him from the past the very things that brought him to connect with me, on a certain level? And, as I am not familiar with the person he is today, would the present day versions of us even connect? Was the desire I had of him and I being together incompatible with my own growth?

[tina7868]

I`ve been grieving a lot this week! I am not being hard on myself for this, I know it`s part of the process. It`s okay to feel emotional, and to feel sad. I talked about this during my last therapy session. During the session, when asked what I would want to talk with my ex about, I realized it was mostly just catching up with a friend-type stuff, like how is work going, what projects is he working on, what tv shows is he watching, how is his family, is his cat still crabby...and so I revisited the idea of reaching out to him.

He was fine, previously, until I brought up talking about the end of our relationship. That`s when he set really high boundaries. I wouldn`t be respecting his boundaries even if I did just ask how he was doing. And in all odds, despite the length of time that has passed, he would take my message as an aggression, and maybe escalate the situation. So basically I`m writing here to talk myself out of doing something I`d regret. The ball is really in his court.

[Pook075]

For me, it was probably a full 15 to 16 months before I was 100% over my ex and not thinking about her in a relationship-type way.  A good part of that wasn't even about getting back together, it was me wanting to prove her wrong or tell her off if I ever got the chance.  I did have that chance recently though and saw no point in it; there was nothing left to gain.

The strange thing was, I "thought" I was over things at 6 months, at 9 months, at 12 months, etc.  Anger and sadness have a way of lingering in the background though and I've learned that it's okay not to be okay sometimes.  I was grieving a loss and there are no timelines, so hopefully you realize that as well.

A big part has been this community and folks who understand out stories- it may have taken years without understanding the context of why BPD relationships implode so spectacularly.  These are sad stories for everyone involved and it's a celebration to see someone finally move on.  Hopefully you realize the progress you've made!

[Augustine]

Pook raises a very good point.

Based on my anecdotal experience at 7.5 months post relationship, I’m functional, but not fully independent of the relationship’s negative influences.

The healing timeline on betrayal trauma is a minimum of 18 months post relationship, and once you pass that threshold, it represents a profound sea change.

[OKrunch]

Pook on point as always.

The strange thing was, I "thought" I was over things at 6 months, at 9 months, at 12 months, etc.  Anger and sadness have a way of lingering in the background though and I've learned that it's okay not to be okay sometimes.  I was grieving a loss and there are no timelines, so hopefully you realize that as well.

I am at about 16 months out from the actualy breakup, but we recycled several times over 2023.
We were only apart for 9months during the first breakup, that it wasnt close to enough time of no contact for me to heal.

So in reality Its been about 7 months since last time we were intimate.

Pook, and Augustine, your comments were on point and very much what I needed to read today.
I constantly berate myself for "Not being over it yet, even though its been over a year"

[tina7868]

Thank you for all your support! I guess I`m finding my way through new territory. Sometimes I`m happy, sometimes I`m sad, sometimes I`m hopeful, sometimes I`m peaceful. I think every time I get through one of these `sad` periods, I learn something. This time, I think I realized just how much my beliefs and magical thinking can cloud my judgement.

I used to pray to hear from my ex, try and force myself into some sort of `letting go` mindset, so many things, with the desire always in the back of my mind that I could somehow influence the way things worked out. The thing is, it seemed to work! I would hear from him. So then, when it seemed like no perspective or change within myself had any effect on what I was experiencing, it made me feel very sad. As in, I was doing something wrong, and it made me face (again) that I could never hear from him again.

It`s okay to miss him. It`s okay to feel sad. But it`s an unhealthy coping mechanism to think that my thoughts somehow influence any other person`s actions. It had nothing to do with me then, and it has nothing to do with me now. I can only focus on me and with good intentions and with myself as my priority. The rest, I can trust the universe with, without being attached to any particular outcome.

[cranmango]

Hi tina—it sounds like you are disentangling your own daily emotional well-being from the daily presence/absence of your ex. It is indeed ok to miss him and to feel sad at times. And it’s ok to feel happy, too. And all of the other things.

When my ex left the last time, there was a huge gaping (emotional) hole in my life. 18 months later and I am grateful for how much it has filled in. Getting to know new people, seeing old friends, revisiting old hobbies, and having new experiences. My life feels much fuller than it did 18 months ago.

I still miss her. But these days it’s more of an echo than a gaping wound.

For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed how frequently you reply to other threads to offer support and advice. And I’ve appreciated reading your posts. You have a lot of insights to share!

[tina7868]

Hi tina—it sounds like you are disentangling your own daily emotional well-being from the daily presence/absence of your ex. It is indeed ok to miss him and to feel sad at times. And it’s ok to feel happy, too. And all of the other things.

When my ex left the last time, there was a huge gaping (emotional) hole in my life. 18 months later and I am grateful for how much it has filled in. Getting to know new people, seeing old friends, revisiting old hobbies, and having new experiences. My life feels much fuller than it did 18 months ago.

I still miss her. But these days it’s more of an echo than a gaping wound.

For what it’s worth, I’ve noticed how frequently you reply to other threads to offer support and advice. And I’ve appreciated reading your posts. You have a lot of insights to share!

Thank you so much for your kind words, cranmango! I hope you`ve been well.

It seems like, even if you do all the things you`re `supposed` to do after a breakup (with BPD involved or not)...sometimes you`ll still feel sad. It takes time. And it`s okay. That`s the flip side that comes with really loving someone. It doesn`t mean there is anything wrong with any of us for feeling this way. It just is.

I still need to convince myself, sometimes, that I shouldn`t reach out to him. How easy it would be! The solution to my anxiety, my brain tells me. But, I don`t. If he wanted to be in contact, he would make it clear. It isn`t up to me to impose that on someone. It sucks, but that`s how it is.

I have taken up a lot of crafting hobbies. I like making things with my hands. As I was building a miniature shelf for my miniature dollhouse, I felt a wave of feeling ready to date again  . We`ll see how that goes.

[SinisterComplex]

Thank you so much for your kind words, cranmango! I hope you`ve been well.

It seems like, even if you do all the things you`re `supposed` to do after a breakup (with BPD involved or not)...sometimes you`ll still feel sad. It takes time. And it`s okay. That`s the flip side that comes with really loving someone. It doesn`t mean there is anything wrong with any of us for feeling this way. It just is.

I still need to convince myself, sometimes, that I shouldn`t reach out to him. How easy it would be! The solution to my anxiety, my brain tells me. But, I don`t. If he wanted to be in contact, he would make it clear. It isn`t up to me to impose that on someone. It sucks, but that`s how it is.

I have taken up a lot of crafting hobbies. I like making things with my hands. As I was building a miniature shelf for my miniature dollhouse, I felt a wave of feeling ready to date again  . We`ll see how that goes.

Just take your time. One step at a time. If you do decide to date...do just that...date multiple people and have fun and don't make it so serious and don't take it so serious. A switch will flip when it is time for the more formal stuff organically. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[tina7868]

Just take your time. One step at a time. If you do decide to date...do just that...date multiple people and have fun and don't make it so serious and don't take it so serious. A switch will flip when it is time for the more formal stuff organically.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

Thanks SC! My initial thoughts on being back in the dating pool (specifically a dating app)...well, initially, it was very validating to have so many likes, which is the experience of many girls on these I`m sure. I`m cute! I have a lot to offer! However, overall, it`s been heartbreaking in a different kind of way. I can imagine my ex going through this same process (he met his girlfriend on an app), which is a tedious process let`s not hide that, and still powering through in order to find someone to have a relationship with. Meanwhile, yes I am taking a `let`s do this for fun` kind of approach, but I`m still comparing everyone to him and even with all his flaws I don`t think one person on here can hold a candle to him (for me).

Weirdly, I wish I could tell him about this, because we would laugh about it together. I also feel like his girlfriend is lucky to have found him there. I imagine them meeting and talking kind of like I`m doing and...yeah. It hurts a lot. 

[tina7868]

Part of me genuinely wants to try though! I know I`m more ready than I was before. I want to get dressed up and flirt with someone and have a good time. I had been so sad for so long, I am ready to do lighter things just for the story.

Part of me also thinks that it would make more sense, or even make me more attractive, if I heard from him again and I had all these dating stories to talk about instead of seeming to have been pining over him the whole time. I know this is not the best motivation, and I haven`t been pining over him (I have been learning about myself, growing, trying new things and making new friends), but still. I want to be honest and there is that aspect.

[SinisterComplex]

Thanks SC! My initial thoughts on being back in the dating pool (specifically a dating app)...well, initially, it was very validating to have so many likes, which is the experience of many girls on these I`m sure. I`m cute! I have a lot to offer! However, overall, it`s been heartbreaking in a different kind of way. I can imagine my ex going through this same process (he met his girlfriend on an app), which is a tedious process let`s not hide that, and still powering through in order to find someone to have a relationship with. Meanwhile, yes I am taking a `let`s do this for fun` kind of approach, but I`m still comparing everyone to him and even with all his flaws I don`t think one person on here can hold a candle to him (for me).

Weirdly, I wish I could tell him about this, because we would laugh about it together. I also feel like his girlfriend is lucky to have found him there. I imagine them meeting and talking kind of like I`m doing and...yeah. It hurts a lot. 

That is your hardest step to overcome right now...removing him from the pedestal you have placed him upon. He is just another guy. Not a god. Just a normal dude.

Most importantly...your dating will be essentially making friends and having experiences until you can overcome the comparing everyone else to him because the people you date will pick up on the energy that they will be considered a fall back option or will feel like second best. Remember what I have said in the past...you get back what you put out to the world. The universe and energies you put out into it are like a mirror.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[jaded7]

Thank you so much for your kind words, cranmango! I hope you`ve been well.

It seems like, even if you do all the things you`re `supposed` to do after a breakup (with BPD involved or not)...sometimes you`ll still feel sad. It takes time. And it`s okay. That`s the flip side that comes with really loving someone. It doesn`t mean there is anything wrong with any of us for feeling this way. It just is.

I still need to convince myself, sometimes, that I shouldn`t reach out to him. How easy it would be! The solution to my anxiety, my brain tells me. But, I don`t. If he wanted to be in contact, he would make it clear. It isn`t up to me to impose that on someone. It sucks, but that`s how it is.

I have taken up a lot of crafting hobbies. I like making things with my hands. As I was building a miniature shelf for my miniature dollhouse, I felt a wave of feeling ready to date again  . We`ll see how that goes.

Just checking in and saying good job Tina. I see so much of myself in you, and in your feelings. You seem like such a kind and nice person. Like you, I get hard on myself for not being 'over it' by now. Like you and others I wonder how long this will go on.

Thanks for all your contributions here, they are helpful to others who may not even be commenting.

[tina7868]

That is your hardest step to overcome right now...removing him from the pedestal you have placed him upon. He is just another guy. Not a god. Just a normal dude.

I`m going to go deeper into this, because it`s a really good point. I recognize that I have him on a pedestal, when I shouldn`t. But going down this train of thought makes me think, and affects the perspectives I have. If he`s just another guy...then I`m just another girl? I guess I`m okay with that. But then I revisit how important he was to me and it seems to trigger my core values of never giving up when I have my heart set on something.

Most importantly...your dating will be essentially making friends and having experiences until you can overcome the comparing everyone else to him because the people you date will pick up on the energy that they will be considered a fall back option or will feel like second best. Remember what I have said in the past...you get back what you put out to the world. The universe and energies you put out into it are like a mirror.

It makes me wonder again, with curiosity, how this played out in his relationship. Three times before he stopped talking to me altogether, he said his girlfriend didn`t want us to speak. What kind of energy was he putting out? It seems to have worked out for him regardless. I know it doesn`t really matter at this point, but again, I just want to be honest about where my mind is going.

Would it be the worst idea to send an open invitation to talk sometime? Even writing this feels silly, given how incredibly clear he was on not wanting to talk again. A girl can hope. I don`t know why, after so many months of not even feeling an inkling of wanting to message him, I`m at a point where it seems like something I want to do.

Just checking in and saying good job Tina. I see so much of myself in you, and in your feelings. You seem like such a kind and nice person. Like you, I get hard on myself for not being 'over it' by now. Like you and others I wonder how long this will go on.

Thanks for all your contributions here, they are helpful to others who may not even be commenting.

Thank you so much jaded7! This community is a really special place. I have learned amongst other things to be more honest about my feelings and vulnerable with others, which has made my relationships so much deeper. Even now, I know these thoughts I share are not what my `ideal` self would be thinking, but hey, it`s how I feel! And that`s okay!

[cranmango]

Hi tina—really important insight into your core value of not giving up on something you’ve set your heart, too. I say that as someone who has a very similar core value. I think it is one thing that made it so hard for me to really sit with the breakup, accept the reality that my relationship was over, and move forward with my life.

Not sure if this will resonate with you, but I’ve been mulling over the idea of what it means to show love. Normally I show love with concrete actions toward the people I care about. How do I show my love to someone that isn’t in my life anymore?

A powerful concept I’ve learned from reading these boards is loving from afar. I’m still rooting for my ex, I care about her, and I hope she finds her way in life. The best thing I can do for her right now is to give her that space to figure out her life and (hopefully) grow.

On a daily basis, it goes against all my instincts—I’m a fixer, I like to be involved, I like to maintain contact. Distance is hard for me. I’ve never really sat with these ideas until now, and it’s been a learning process.

Part of this for me was accepting the reality that she and I weren’t happy together at the end. I wanted things to get better of course, but the reality is that they simply weren’t. Maybe for us, “getting better” means we both have to grow separately as individuals, because we weren’t growing to ether as a couple.

So maybe it’s worth sitting with the idea of what it means to you to “give up,” why that feels so hard, and if there are other ways of translating your core value to action in your life.

[tina7868]

Your post is really insightful, cranmango.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that, I loved him much more than he loved me. There, I said it. This blinded me. Especially towards the end, when yes, he did lead me on in some ways, but on my end I was so stubborn and determined that I ignored what was right in front of me. If he wanted to be with me, he would be. And he`s not, and he wasn`t able to be that person for me.

And that`s okay. I mean it sucks, but it`s okay. It`s not personal, not even a little bit. What I learned out of this insight is, wow, I am grateful I have such a big capacity to love. And imagine how beautiful it will be when I can give that love to the right person for me. I also think, and it brings me comfort in a weird way, that my ex was lucky to have been loved like that. I think he knew, I really do. I`m sure it got annoying, but I`m sure he knew.

I also realized (I mean I knew this for a while) that he and I both saw love, and relationships, in a different way. He had a certain `transactional`, defensive perspective on things (`what would you even get from being my friend?`) that I used to think meant he didn`t know me (`I loved you and that`s why...? How do I even explain that?`). Now, I genuinely think he doesn`t see things as I do. On this board, I think we seem to share similar views on this, but when you take on the perspective that this isn`t the case for everyone, things start to make a lot more sense.

Maybe for us, “getting better” means we both have to grow separately as individuals, because we weren’t growing together as a couple.

So maybe it’s worth sitting with the idea of what it means to you to “give up,” why that feels so hard, and if there are other ways of translating your core value to action in your life.

That certainly hits home for me.

I think, until now, this core value means that I put myself in vulnerable positions time and time again. I used to hate myself for it, think something was wrong with me but, as those who have been reading my story for a while might have noticed, this vulnerability has really opened up my life.

Your post makes me think about a topic that came up during my last therapy session. Unconditional love. I was saying that I believe my mom loves me unconditionally (which was big because I used to think it was dependant on my life choices). Then, when I was speaking of relationships, I said that I guess that kind of love shouldn`t be unconditional, because then you can end up in really bad situations and not leave because of this misplaced unconditional love. As I was saying this, however, I felt a tug telling me I am not capable of applying this in my own situation. I still have a lot of love for him, and I don`t think anything he says will change that. He doesn`t `deserve` it, I know it`s misplaced, but isn`t that what makes it so hard?

[SinisterComplex]

I`m going to go deeper into this, because it`s a really good point. I recognize that I have him on a pedestal, when I shouldn`t. But going down this train of thought makes me think, and affects the perspectives I have. If he`s just another guy...then I`m just another girl? I guess I`m okay with that. But then I revisit how important he was to me and it seems to trigger my core values of never giving up when I have my heart set on something.

It makes me wonder again, with curiosity, how this played out in his relationship. Three times before he stopped talking to me altogether, he said his girlfriend didn`t want us to speak. What kind of energy was he putting out? It seems to have worked out for him regardless. I know it doesn`t really matter at this point, but again, I just want to be honest about where my mind is going.

Would it be the worst idea to send an open invitation to talk sometime? Even writing this feels silly, given how incredibly clear he was on not wanting to talk again. A girl can hope. I don`t know why, after so many months of not even feeling an inkling of wanting to message him, I`m at a point where it seems like something I want to do.

Thank you so much jaded7! This community is a really special place. I have learned amongst other things to be more honest about my feelings and vulnerable with others, which has made my relationships so much deeper. Even now, I know these thoughts I share are not what my `ideal` self would be thinking, but hey, it`s how I feel! And that`s okay!

So, its best to keep yourself humble and down to earth and view yourself as just another girl, but know your own value. Make sense? You are still focused on him. What he does, who he is with, etc is of no concern to you or shouldn't be. Time to focus on YOU.

In regard to the energy he puts out...well I think I will take the approach that boundaries are something you have to focus on. Why bring that up...you keep him coming back to you because you enable it and allow it to happen so it essentially doesn't matter what energy he is putting out. Remember boundaries are for you and not necessarily for other people.

Your core values are yours and whatever you want them to be. No judgement here. I would just say to open your mind up to proceeding with situations with more of a pros and cons list in your head instead of just having your heart set on something and then refusing to give up. Ask yourself...is it good for me? Is it what I want? Does it benefit me? More or less...make critical big picture thinking a part of the equation.

So let's focus more on YOU moving forward and less on him. Sound like a plan?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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[tina7868]

So let's focus more on YOU moving forward and less on him. Sound like a plan?

Yes! Thank you, SC, for once again bringing perspective to the situation. I do want to focus on me, and I am actively working on that.

That being said  , I felt incredibly sad this past week. I think what has finally sunk in is how I cared a lot more about him than he did about me. I got to a point where I just wrote to him. I wrote a sincere message about how I was sorry about the way things ended, how I missed him and cared about him. He replied, without much delay, that he wasn`t interested in revisiting the past, but wished me well. I told him I wanted to leave the past behind, and hoped he could just think about us talking again. He asked me what was in it for me in all this, and again, I replied sincerely, telling him I still cared a lot and that for the past few months, I got to know myself, and it is part of who I am. He said I could share how I have been, and he would share if he felt comfortable.

So, that`s where we left off. I updated him on work and my plans for the future, since he asked, and I have been giving it space while still engaging. I am happy to talk to him, I really did miss him a lot. I can feel that I am better at expressing myself, and regulating my emotions, than I was before.

[SinisterComplex]

Yes! Thank you, SC, for once again bringing perspective to the situation. I do want to focus on me, and I am actively working on that.

That being said  , I felt incredibly sad this past week. I think what has finally sunk in is how I cared a lot more about him than he did about me. I got to a point where I just wrote to him. I wrote a sincere message about how I was sorry about the way things ended, how I missed him and cared about him. He replied, without much delay, that he wasn`t interested in revisiting the past, but wished me well. I told him I wanted to leave the past behind, and hoped he could just think about us talking again. He asked me what was in it for me in all this, and again, I replied sincerely, telling him I still cared a lot and that for the past few months, I got to know myself, and it is part of who I am. He said I could share how I have been, and he would share if he felt comfortable.

So, that`s where we left off. I updated him on work and my plans for the future, since he asked, and I have been giving it space while still engaging. I am happy to talk to him, I really did miss him a lot. I can feel that I am better at expressing myself, and regulating my emotions, than I was before.

Ultimately you should never let the thought of who cares more about who enter your mind. Why? There is no way to know for sure and thinking about it actually doesn't bring any good energy...only doubt and negativity. Again this is where I reinforce you...know your value. You are a good person and you have a lot to offer and nothing changes that regardless of what anyone else thinks. You have nothing to prove to anyone other than yourself.

Let me be my full unadulterated blunt force trauma self when I say this...You Kick $$!!! No one else gets to determine your worth...only YOU. You did not need my approval (even though you have it) or anyone else's (that means him as well) because my dear you are awesome all on your own. Be the Bad@$$ rock star on stage at a concert that you are.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

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