Married 40+ years to a wife that’s Petulant BPD

[Tired-Husband]

Help!!  Married for 41+ years and my wife is a Petulant BPD!

Recently came across this site and it’s been very helpful.  After years of trying to figure out what the heck is going on in our marriage, it has finally hit me that my wife is a petulant BPD.  While not officially diagnosed, she is a text book Pet-BPD.  She’s been in counselling for over 3 years (on her 3rd counselor) but to my knowledge none of them have told her point blank.  Without going into the normal factors, which most here already know, my question is this:

Do I stay or do I go?  I’m exhausted and really don’t know how much longer I can live like this!  We’re in our early 60’s so I’m thinking I have some good, quality years left, but the wife thinks her issues are everyone else’s fault.  She has a long history of failed friendships, been let go from multiple jobs, etc., so again, this is textbook BPD.  We’re both Christians and don’t take divorce lightly, but this is miserable.  I get the whole ‘Better or Worse’ deal, but the worse just keeps getting worse.  She just can’t bring herself to see that she is the common denominator in all her issues.  

Would love to hear some other stories and or input as to where to go from here.  Thanks in advance for anyone’s time that feels like they have some good advice!

Ps - I’m not perfect and have certainly been triggered and lost patience over the years when she has her regular episodes.  However, since I’ve learned what’s actually happening I have totally changed my approach when she acts out.  Bottom line, I’ve gotten off the roller coaster and will not be getting back on!!!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[campbembpd]

Can't answer you but I also recently found out my wife of 25 years is uBPD. Our couples therapist (who also sees her individually) started using the term 'borderline traits' when describing what my wife does but it has not fully clicked in that it = BPD. Also after reading 2 books twice and on here it 100% is BPD. I'm not sure why he hasn't come out and said BPD to her. And I'm not going to be the one to say it to her.

I'm also working on getting off the roller coaster and understand the disorder and what I can do. I think it's going to be easier said then done as I'm come to realize, big surprise, I have co-dependency issues as well. Boundaries, limits have always been hard for me to keep and enforce.

I am committed to working on myself, joining CODA and doing what I can since I can only control me but I know I'm also coming to terms with the fact that if she doesn't change with me, I won't/can't continue to live with the intermittent abusive behavior. I'm just about 50 years old so same as you, I have some good years left. I would really love to live them out with my wife, I love the 'normal' side of her, that's what I fell in love with. But 2024 is going to be a really hard year because of starting to set limits, boundaries, and deal with financial issues.

Sorry I can't help you but do what you need to do for yourself. Get yourself a therapist if you don't have one. One thing I've realized is whether or not I am with my wife I still have issues to deal with, just as she does. I'm part of this dance too so I personally feel like I need to do everything I can to work on my own issues contributing to the dynamic before giving up.

[Gravity Man]

I really feel for you.  There are a lot of us (married 30+ years) out here in your very similar situation.  A lot of people get hung-up on whether or not our wife has BPD.  I do not put much weight on to official diagnosis.  After all, who knows better than those of us who live under this situation.  I think it is better to look at it in light of my wife has severe Cluster B characteristics - BPD, NPD, etc.  The truth is though, as you already mentioned, we had our part that we played in this unhealthy dynamic.  I was the knight in shining armor that was going to save her.  We really thought we could do that.

You mention that you are both Christians - so are we.  I have seen many conversations go down a never-ending rabbit hole about Christian marriage and BPD.  I do not want to do that.  I believe a lot of the mistakes I made through the years were actually because I was following traditional Christain marriage advice.  None of that works and in my opinion and is counter-productive with BPD and almost no one understands it.  At one point, my wife had the idea (which I was fully supportive of) to go to a Focus on the Family one week intensive, save your marriage retreat.  You do the one week intensive counseling and then there is several months of follow-up with the counselors.  Eventually, she got cold feet, turned on the idea, and then claimed it was me who was pushing her to do it.  In retrospect, would have just been a waste of money anyway.  I later on found out Focus on the Family said that their intensive marriage retreats cannot help couples where personality disorders are present ...  So the #1 Christan organization for Christain marriage tells me that they cannot help me.  That can really send you into despair.

I've been studying BPD for about 10 years now.  I practically have a PhD in the subject.  Here is the best advice that I can give you based on what I have learned and what works for me. 
1.  Get the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/ Narcissist in Your Life."  I got the audio book as well and probably have listened to 50 times.  I practically have the book memorized.  That way, when an event starts to occur, which can be several times a day, my mind goes into auto-pilot about how to respond.
2.  You have to "detach with love."  Actually, I haven't figure out how to do this yet.  Sadly, I am mostly just detached.  It is not easy for me to do the love part which is only available to me about 5% or less of the time.  The other 95% is dealing with the normal BPD stuff:  rage, distortions, etc.
3.  Got to Quora and read everything posted by a Wendell H. Biggins.  This guy really knows what he is talking about. 

Hope this helps.

[Chief Drizzt]

Hello brother!  I’m in the same boat but we’re at 33 years in our marriage.  As a fellow Christian I understand where you are at in pondering what to do.  I wish I had some advice to give but can only offer encouragement.  However - the book that was recommended - “Stop Caretaking….” Was quite helpful to me as well.  I probably should read it again myself.

I am adverse to divorce myself.  My counselor seems to think it is inevitable - but I’m resistant to the idea.  I have pondered just to going into a roommate type of situation - where I just move out of the bedroom and into a separate room in the house.  All the kids are out on their own now - so it wouldn’t be hard to do (though our youngest is in freshman year of college and comes home for holidays).  I’m thinking a more platonic relationship might smooth things out and allow me to set some boundaries without them cascading into drama.  Not what I want but things might be more amicable that way.  If I do it - it would be in the hopes that things might progress back into a romantic relationship after a few years. 

Anyway - welcome to the boards and always feel free to reach out.