Tips for supporting a depressed BPD partner

[IndigoWhale]

Hi everyone,

I am currently in a relationship with a guy that most likely has BPD. He wasn’t properly diagnosed by a specialist, but got some treatment for it by the family doctor. I have decided to join this forum to see if there are any tips or advice for my situation because I would like to help him and improve our relationship, but I am unsure what I can do and in which direction to go.

We’ve been together for a bit longer than a year now, as I learned about his depression and BPD, I advised him to get a therapist almost a year ago. As I am not new to mental illness and I am still suffering from light depression and anxiety, I basically suggested we could both get a therapist and start our healing journey. He applied through the National health system but ended up doing BPD group therapy instead of seeing a therapist for 1 to 1 sessions. I also found out he had group therapy before, it did help him, but obviously, since he was having still many problems, it didn’t do a great deal for him. When I say “problems”, I mean he struggles with his job, doing daily chores and taking care of himself, sometimes he totally shuts down and doesn’t talk to anyone for 2 days and just stays in his room.

Unfortunately, at the end of the group therapy, he didn’t attend the follow-up visit with the psychologist to review the results of the treatment.

I then insisted he applied for 1 to 1, and I sat with him and helped him through the application. I knew that he has a tendency to minimize his problems, and that’s one of the reasons the previous time he would only get group therapy. I understand admitting that you are not a fully functional person can be very distressing, but unfortunately, the assessment test is made in a way that if you don’t acknowledge your condition is seriously impacting your daily life, then you will get very superficial help, and that makes cases like him difficult to detect. Anyway, I managed to push him to give a relatively truthful version of his condition, especially since his problems at his job were getting bigger and bigger and he was risking becoming redundant. He got placed for a 1 to 1 treatment, but the wait list for those is really long. When he was finally going to start it and have the first assessment session with someone over the phone, he did not pick up. He told me it was his day off and he was too tired for it. I know those are very stressful to him because he needs to talk about all his past depression episodes and such. Despite that, we’ve been waiting for so long, and a part of me started wondering if that was an excuse. Did he ever want to go to the therapist in the first place? We did have discussions about it every so often, sometimes he seemed to acknowledge he needs to go and would get offended when I suggested he might actually not want to. Other times, when I mention his total lack of energy, he suggests he’ll go to the family doctors, get some pills and have it solved.
He did try some antidepressants some months ago, but they made his condition worse, so I assume it is better for him to get proper help from a specialist.

Getting to the situation of the present day, he’s now redundant, I don’t see him putting much effort into looking for a job, but maybe he just needs some time off, but I am also very scared by all of it. He doesn’t really have savings since from time to time he impulsively spends everything, and he also has drinking and smoking problems. I know this portrait might seem terrible, but of course, if I stay with him it is because he has lots of qualities as well. I just thought in this post I would focus on his BPD and mental illness profile, hoping it would help give an image of what is his current mental state and what I have tried already to help him out. I wish he would get help from a therapist, but he doesn’t want to apply until he’s settled in a new job. His depression seems to get worse, so I am not sure if he can stay in a job but I have never mentioned this to him.

Has anyone any tips on my situation? How can I be of any support to him? Or if you know of any useful resources I should take a look at, that would be great too. I also feel quite tired from this situation that is only getting worse on the mental health and financial side, even though we are in a way improving our relationship by getting to know each other better through time. I am sorry for the really long post, I am not great at summarizing things in an effective way. If you have any questions, please let me know.

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[tina7868]

Hi IndigoWhale  . Welcome to the forum, where you will find a whole community of people who can relate to your situation and offer different perspectives. Thank you for sharing your story.

You seem to be a very supportive partner. Navigating a situation like this is not easy, but certainly many members here have been able to improve their lives.

I am wondering, amidst all of this, how do you feel?

[IndigoWhale]

Hi Tina,
Thank you for your reply.
Overall I am tired. I see time passing and sometimes I get doubtful about our relationship. I wonder if our relationship is really good for me or if I actually could find someone better. If he can manage to fix his problems, I want to be there. But what if he can't? I can't keep on going like this forever. But I am also a particular person and he accepts me the way I am. And he's really not your usual guy either, so.. in the end I just think it's really not easy to get such a good match. My emotions change way too often on a weekly basis. I'm happy, then maybe in a few hours angry as I read some dysregulated messages from him and he might have gotten drunk, and then I get sad, then hopeful, then again stressed..  I also think I need to broaden my world, so I'll be less affected by all of this.

[tina7868]

Hi Tina,
Thank you for your reply.
Overall I am tired. I see time passing and sometimes I get doubtful about our relationship. I wonder if our relationship is really good for me or if I actually could find someone better. If he can manage to fix his problems, I want to be there. But what if he can't? I can't keep on going like this forever. But I am also a particular person and he accepts me the way I am. And he's really not your usual guy either, so.. in the end I just think it's really not easy to get such a good match. My emotions change way too often on a weekly basis. I'm happy, then maybe in a few hours angry as I read some dysregulated messages from him and he might have gotten drunk, and then I get sad, then hopeful, then again stressed..  I also think I need to broaden my world, so I'll be less affected by all of this.

I can tell you care a lot about him. It seems like you have been going through many different emotions.

Have you had a chance to read any of the topics in the Lessons section of this board? Here is the link : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=347836.0

The approach is to balance learning about tools to navigate the relationship, understanding the psychology involved, and, very importantly, taking care of yourself.

There is a lot of material, so of course feel free to digest everything at your own pace. Change won`t happen overnight, it`s definitely a process. What do you think about this approach?

[IndigoWhale]

Hi Tina,

Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for sending me the link to the resources. Time ago I started going through them and I admit I forgot to finish reading them all. I also bought the book "Loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder", which helped me understanding him better. I tried to use the steps outlined when he's being dysfunctional, but I didn't get good results. I assume it's difficult to help since I'm no psychologist.. and maybe continuous practice can help too. Like you said, change doesn't happen overnight, but I just felt like I wasn't making any progress. And I also find making these kind of mistakes scary, what if I trigger something bad? However, other parts were really helpful, so thank you for bringing those up.

[tina7868]

I'm no psychologist.. and maybe continuous practice can help too.

Hi IndigoWhale  ! How have you been?

Even if you were a trained psychologist, applying these tools in a real life setting vs. reading about them is not obvious. Be easy on yourself! You`re right, practice does help, as does reflecting and honing how to respond to each individual situation.

Like you said, change doesn't happen overnight, but I just felt like I wasn't making any progress. And I also find making these kind of mistakes scary, what if I trigger something bad? However, other parts were really helpful, so thank you for bringing those up.

Could you give an example of when you tried applying a skill, and it didn`t feel it was working out? Which parts resonated with you most?

[IndigoWhale]

Hi Tina,

Thank you for reaching out. I've been ok, thank you. I hope you're well too.

Even if you were a trained psychologist, applying these tools in a real life setting vs. reading about them is not obvious. Be easy on yourself! You`re right, practice does help, as does reflecting and honing how to respond to each individual situation.

I see. I think I've read some posts of people saying some tools quite helped, so I expected that it was a skill you could learn more quickly.

Could you give an example of when you tried applying a skill, and it didn`t feel it was working out? Which parts resonated with you most?

I tried the validation technique, there are 6 levels in the book I read but I think I also read something about it here on this website. So when he was dysregulated (most times during the night), I would find something to validate, sometimes I managed to make him feel a bit better but then he would keep talking to me because he likes talking to me. While it is sweet, it was also a pretty unreasonable behaviour considering we both had to work the next day and we had to sleep. However, if I mentioned it then he would either ask me to talk a bit more or get angry again. If instead, I let him talk, then we would stay awake for hours and eventually he would get sad again.

However, some tools worked well. I found it very useful to set boundaries, it made my life easier. On the other hand, I feel bitter about not being always there. I think a part of me thinks that if an important person in your life needs you, you should be there for them. However, the times a person with BPD needs you are so many in such a short period that you need to put some rules... It isn't nice, but sometimes that's how life goes.