Smirking

[CravingPeace]

Tried to search but only found answers of pwBPD /NPD smirking but i am getting the other way around. She will be dressing me down (where I am not allowed to speak or respond without enraging her) and then she tells me to stop smirking. At the time I am just sitting listening to the accusations and her various problems with me. Does anyone else ever get this accusation of smirking? How do I handle this?

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[Trying123]

I get the same accusation from my pwbpd. He generally just continues his speech after that so I don’t really have any suggestions on how to handle it. I used to deny that’s what I was doing but that never worked well in the moment, so I started ignoring the comment.

[campbembpd]

Tried to search but only found answers of pwBPD /NPD smirking but i am getting the other way around. She will be dressing me down (where I am not allowed to speak or respond without enraging her) and then she tells me to stop smirking. At the time I am just sitting listening to the accusations and her various problems with me. Does anyone else ever get this accusation of smirking? How do I handle this?

Yes! Happens often during one of her (my wife, pwuBPD) episodes of exactly what you said - accusing me of something, dressing me down, etc. I'm sitting there listening, really just trying to be non-emotional but hearing her and she'll ask me why I'm smirking in a mean tone.

I'm new to understanding what BPD is at all so I myself am diving into trying to understand what I need to do during the splitting episode. I've stated something like I'm not smirking, I'm listening to what you have to say. But sometimes that seems to spiral down another rabbit hole where she insists I'm smirking, being judgmental or she knows I'm thinking something negative about her.

I hope others chime in because I too would like to know what to do!

[waverider]

Not reacting frustrates a pwBPD, so she wants you to react. This sends you into justifying, this immediately shifts you on to the defensive, which she takes as validation of your guilt of whatever she desires.

[EyesUp]

I was often accused of smirking by my uBPDxw…

In my case, a sincere response to absurd behavior was not welcome or helpful.  Like many other things, it was a trigger on top of whatever had already triggered her - invalidation of whatever she was angry about.

Even subtle displays of unexpected behavior can be threatening, so a bemused response to an infantile tantrum is, in fact, an insult.

In my case, it was better to practice greyrock, provide some basic validation, and gently step away.

Rebuilding my ability to have unguarded responses is a work in process.  One thing my uBPDxw gave me was a semi-permanent poker face.

[CravingPeace]

Even subtle displays of unexpected behavior can be threatening, so a bemused response to an infantile tantrum is, in fact, an insult.

In my case, it was better to practice greyrock, provide some basic validation, and gently step away.

Rebuilding my ability to have unguarded responses is a work in process.  One thing my uBPDxw gave me was a semi-permanent poker face.

Thanks all. It makes perfect sense and good to hear this is a trend. Comment above really relates. Today for example I walked into the room and smiled at her to say hi. She asked why i was laughing. I saod I wasnt just smiling to say hi. She said "oh i wasnt trying to make you defensive". Its like she tries to distablise me and get a reaction for the smallest things that to anyone else would be a simple smile. I remmeber when we first met she used to constantly ask me what was wrong. Even when nothing was wrong. But being asked that made me question my mood and often did make me wonder if somethinf was wrong. Its infuriating.I think much of this has made me naturally defensive now and I need to work out how not to be. I think its going to take me some years woth a decent therapist!

[SaltyDawg]

Not reacting frustrates a pwBPD, so she wants you to react. This sends you into justifying, this immediately shifts you on to the defensive, which she takes as validation of your guilt of whatever she desires.

waverider is right, unless, you know this, and then you can do something about it...

I get the 'smirking' accusations too - I am emotionally neutral, most of the time.  Now that she is aware of it, working with a couple's counselor, I tell the T the same thing when my uBPDw tells the T that I have this smirk.

I calmly explain 'gray rock' and will offer to revisit the topic the following morning [when she is regulated - my wife has a soft reset for her sleep cycles], and she knows the argument will end when I say this, if she pursues it, I will leave the room.  I've made a boundary where I have put myself in control on how much circular argument, word salad, I am willing to tolerate (usually 2 circles, occasionally 3 if there is enough variation in her approach).  I will not validate the invalid; I will validate the valid though.  It is quite empowering, to temporarily stonewall a borderline with gray rock when they become dysregulated.  I used to go around in circles with rage from her for hours and hours, now it is shut down in about 10 minutes before it can escalate any further.

[campbembpd]

waverider is right, unless, you know this, and then you can do something about it...

I get the 'smirking' accusations too - I am emotionally neutral, most of the time.  Now that she is aware of it, working with a couple's counselor, I tell the T the same thing when my uBPDw tells the T that I have this smirk.

I calmly explain 'gray rock' and will offer to revisit the topic the following morning [when she is regulated - my wife has a soft reset for her sleep cycles], and she knows the argument will end when I say this, if she pursues it, I will leave the room.  I've made a boundary where I have put myself in control on how much circular argument, word salad, I am willing to tolerate (usually 2 circles, occasionally 3 if there is enough variation in her approach).  I will not validate the invalid; I will validate the valid though.  It is quite empowering, to temporarily stonewall a borderline with gray rock when they become dysregulated.  I used to go around in circles with rage from her for hours and hours, now it is shut down in about 10 minutes before it can escalate any further.

#goals - I'm still getting sucked in. It's been all day today. And yes she HATES it that I'm so calm. She says often in the middle that if I cared I would show some reaction. I tell her I don't like being yelled at or swearing and she says that's how people fight! She says if I had any passion for her I'd fight like that too! I never do.

[SaltyDawg]

#goals - I'm still getting sucked in. It's been all day today. And yes she HATES it that I'm so calm. She says often in the middle that if I cared I would show some reaction. I tell her I don't like being yelled at or swearing and she says that's how people fight! She says if I had any passion for her I'd fight like that too! I never do.

What you are describing is their distorted perspective that they learned, most likely from their FOO (family of origin).  It is hard to unlearn a bad behavior like this, but, not impossible.

I get that one too.  I tell her that "I will fight for you" -- and that is a big difference than "I will fight with you" - I use logic to fight, not passion, even though it has its place, it is more of a 'wise mind' approach that I use with my uBPDw.

Variations on this theme is that I tell her "I will not be used as a punching bag; however, I will be a shoulder for you to cry on".

She has improved with an extensive amount of therapy for the past 14 months, so there is hope, with individual therapy with the pwBPD even though she has not been diagnosed; however, she is being treated for the symptom of "Inappropriately intense anger or[AND] problems controlling anger" and is fully self-aware of this symptom.

[campbembpd]

What you are describing is their distorted perspective that they learned, most likely from their FOO (family of origin).  It is hard to unlearn a bad behavior like this, but, not impossible.

I get that one too.  I tell her that "I will fight for you" -- and that is a big difference than "I will fight with you" - I use logic to fight, not passion, even though it has its place, it is more of a 'wise mind' approach that I use with my uBPDw.

Variations on this theme is that I tell her "I will not be used as a punching bag; however, I will be a shoulder for you to cry on".

She has improved with an extensive amount of therapy for the past 14 months, so there is hope, with individual therapy with the pwBPD even though she has not been diagnosed; however, she is being treated for the symptom of "Inappropriately intense anger or[AND] problems controlling anger" and is fully self-aware of this symptom.

I like that I will not be used as a punching bag but will be a shoulder to cry on

That gives me hope about the therapy but my hope is mixed. For the last couple of months she's maintained that she's 'done' therapy and all the work she needs to do. Now it's back to being all me causing this, if I would only support her and stop 'making' her feel the way she does. She's been reluctant to return except occasionally with me to therapy but not solo. She seems so far from acknowledging there's a serious anger management/mental health issue on her part.

My therapist suggested I write a letter to my pwuBPD and work with him on it. Outlining what I'm working on, what I'll help her with, what I expect, what I won't accept, etc. Establishing some boundaries. It's hard and scary. It feels like it will either be a catalyst for real change or it will send her over the edge and the the last nail in the coffin of our relationship.