Broken Heart & Broken Blended Family -- How to Move Forward?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First timer on this message board - I'll layout my story and would welcome any thoughts and feedback on the entire thing, as my head is still spinning from it all - its like a bomb went off in my life.

Long story short - been together 6 years, living together 4.  Blended family of 4 kids (ages 9, 10, 12, 15).   First few years of dating were tremendous - tons of chemistry, fun, connection, experiences/trips, endless hours of talking and just hanging out.   We moved in together right as COVID started, and that is when some small red flags popped up (aka - we had one fairly big fight within the first 6 weeks, and the next day she had a list of all of her belongings put together on a spreadsheet and was gearing up to move back to her old house before it sold)....some histrionic behavior that in hindsight was the start of the "push-pull" dynamic.  Found out along the way her mom had bi-polar, dad is an alcoholic, brother is an alcoholic, half-brother died of alcoholism.

Things started to get really rocky 18 months ago.  She started drinking heavily (1-1.5 bottles of wine every night) and smoking cigarettes regularly.  Not sure why - likely some combo of work stress/family stress/menopause (?)  Lied to the kids about smoking (they caught her many times), and we had many arguments about the drinking (I like my booze too...but that was just too much and I couldn't/wouldn't keep up).   Reached out to her sister in law to share our story and talk about ways to handle/workaround (since she deals with my exPWD's brother).   This eventually got back to my girlfriend, and she went postal.  Thought it was the ultimate betrayal, blew her stack that I did this, and in my estimation this is when she split me black. 

Nothing changed until this past June.  We were on summer vacation, and after having a few drinks, in front of all of our kids, she told me and my ADHD son (who was having a challenging trip due to a bad batch of ADHD medicine) that we were "so difficult to deal with at times" after I made a wisecrack about her sounding silly being drunk in the morning.  My son & I were shocked to hear this, she didnt apologize, and then told me she hated how I talked to her, needed to breakup, and walked off with her kids.   I tried to approach her the next day (when sober) and she stuck to her guns that we were broken up.   My boys were wondering WTF happened, as were her kids.  And my 12 year old was confused and upset.

A week later, after hours of circular discussions, we agreed to reunite.  She never fully apologized to my boys (it was half-assed at best, didn't think she did anything really wrong), but we went to a couples therapist (our 3rd, mind you) who told us we needed a 2-drink limit on dates to avoid fights.  She stopped smoking, we did more date nights, and things started to improve a lot.   I was feeling good.

Sadly, this didn't last.  After work travel/conferences, her drinking started to creep back.  Concurrently, a longtime male friend of hers that was in-and-out of our life the last 6 years showed up ALOT after his girlfriend dumped him.  To the point that I didn't like it, the kids found it weird, and I told her many times in therapy.  She told me he was potentially gay, wouldn't interview any of her friends to him to date, and had no issue with it.   Didn't care at all what I wanted (common theme with many things in our relationship, in hindsight). 

6 weeks ago, she got drunk one Saturday, told me she wanted to marry me...but 2 hours later got suddenly nasty with me.   Drove drunk to her son's hockey game after telling me not to join her.  I texted her that this was a repeat of June and I couldn't continue this given how she just went after me drunk.  She called me and said she couldn't take it anymore and was done.    Came home that night, verbally insulted my son again in front of the other kids (told him he needed to learn manners, he didn't do anything to provoke her).  He and the kids were both so turned around by this.  She told me (not him) thereafter that my "special needs son doesn't have basic manners".... which was so cruel.     I told her that this was another boundary broken after June, and that I couldn't believe it and that I couldn't envision staying together after this and had to start thinking about how to figure out the breakup, telling the kids, house buyout, etc.   

Her response?   2 days after she started sleeping with her male friend at his place, and has been ever since.  Every single night (when the kids aren't here).  Brings her kids around him, he met them on their winter break trip.   My boys have witnessed her "walk of shame" when she comes back and are just saying "WTF dad?!"   I asked her WTF she was doing - her response was "you dumped me, and want to kick me and my kids out of our house."   I blocked her everywhere, deleted all texts, burned our couples pictures in the fireplace.  Haven't spoken a word to her in 4 weeks, I cant even bring myself to look at her let alone utter a word.

I'm crushed.  Traumatized from the cheating.  6 years of history/family gone.  Hopes and dreams in the future shattered.   This is a deadly combo of losing the love of my life + her destructive behaviors hurting my son + her heartless incessant sleeping with a guy I had major concerns about.   While we all still live in the same house.     Did I mean nothing?   Does she not care about the kids?   Who does this?!   How do I even begin to move forward???

Trying to get her to move out, she's being stubborn.  Looking at all options including a temporary move-out.

[JC.Love01!]

First timer on this message board - I'll layout my story and would welcome any thoughts and feedback on the entire thing, as my head is still spinning from it all - its like a bomb went off in my life.

Long story short - been together 6 years, living together 4.  Blended family of 4 kids (ages 9, 10, 12, 15).   First few years of dating were tremendous - tons of chemistry, fun, connection, experiences/trips, endless hours of talking and just hanging out.   We moved in together right as COVID started, and that is when some small red flags popped up (aka - we had one fairly big fight within the first 6 weeks, and the next day she had a list of all of her belongings put together on a spreadsheet and was gearing up to move back to her old house before it sold)....some histrionic behavior that in hindsight was the start of the "push-pull" dynamic.  Found out along the way her mom had bi-polar, dad is an alcoholic, brother is an alcoholic, half-brother died of alcoholism.

Things started to get really rocky 18 months ago.  She started drinking heavily (1-1.5 bottles of wine every night) and smoking cigarettes regularly.  Not sure why - likely some combo of work stress/family stress/menopause (?)  Lied to the kids about smoking (they caught her many times), and we had many arguments about the drinking (I like my booze too...but that was just too much and I couldn't/wouldn't keep up).   Reached out to her sister in law to share our story and talk about ways to handle/workaround (since she deals with my exPWD's brother).   This eventually got back to my girlfriend, and she went postal.  Thought it was the ultimate betrayal, blew her stack that I did this, and in my estimation this is when she split me black. 

Nothing changed until this past June.  We were on summer vacation, and after having a few drinks, in front of all of our kids, she told me and my ADHD son (who was having a challenging trip due to a bad batch of ADHD medicine) that we were "so difficult to deal with at times" after I made a wisecrack about her sounding silly being drunk in the morning.  My son & I were shocked to hear this, she didnt apologize, and then told me she hated how I talked to her, needed to breakup, and walked off with her kids.   I tried to approach her the next day (when sober) and she stuck to her guns that we were broken up.   My boys were wondering WTF happened, as were her kids.  And my 12 year old was confused and upset.

A week later, after hours of circular discussions, we agreed to reunite.  She never fully apologized to my boys (it was half-assed at best, didn't think she did anything really wrong), but we went to a couples therapist (our 3rd, mind you) who told us we needed a 2-drink limit on dates to avoid fights.  She stopped smoking, we did more date nights, and things started to improve a lot.   I was feeling good.

Sadly, this didn't last.  After work travel/conferences, her drinking started to creep back.  Concurrently, a longtime male friend of hers that was in-and-out of our life the last 6 years showed up ALOT after his girlfriend dumped him.  To the point that I didn't like it, the kids found it weird, and I told her many times in therapy.  She told me he was potentially gay, wouldn't interview any of her friends to him to date, and had no issue with it.   Didn't care at all what I wanted (common theme with many things in our relationship, in hindsight). 

6 weeks ago, she got drunk one Saturday, told me she wanted to marry me...but 2 hours later got suddenly nasty with me.   Drove drunk to her son's hockey game after telling me not to join her.  I texted her that this was a repeat of June and I couldn't continue this given how she just went after me drunk.  She called me and said she couldn't take it anymore and was done.    Came home that night, verbally insulted my son again in front of the other kids (told him he needed to learn manners, he didn't do anything to provoke her).  He and the kids were both so turned around by this.  She told me (not him) thereafter that my "special needs son doesn't have basic manners".... which was so cruel.     I told her that this was another boundary broken after June, and that I couldn't believe it and that I couldn't envision staying together after this and had to start thinking about how to figure out the breakup, telling the kids, house buyout, etc.   

Her response?   2 days after she started sleeping with her male friend at his place, and has been ever since.  Every single night (when the kids aren't here).  Brings her kids around him, he met them on their winter break trip.   My boys have witnessed her "walk of shame" when she comes back and are just saying "WTF dad?!"   I asked her WTF she was doing - her response was "you dumped me, and want to kick me and my kids out of our house."   I blocked her everywhere, deleted all texts, burned our couples pictures in the fireplace.  Haven't spoken a word to her in 4 weeks, I cant even bring myself to look at her let alone utter a word.

I'm crushed.  Traumatized from the cheating.  6 years of history/family gone.  Hopes and dreams in the future shattered.   This is a deadly combo of losing the love of my life + her destructive behaviors hurting my son + her heartless incessant sleeping with a guy I had major concerns about.   While we all still live in the same house.     Did I mean nothing?   Does she not care about the kids?   Who does this?!   How do I even begin to move forward???

Trying to get her to move out, she's being stubborn.  Looking at all options including a temporary move-out.

[Anonymous_male]

Wow JC, what a crazy story. Why do we endure so much pain? And to them it is simply expected right? They think nothing of it.

Also how fast they forget disagreements. Often in my case at least, the day after a bad disagreement, nothing is discussed. It is simply moving straight on.

Sounds good for your health and your kids, that you are looking at all options. Peace of mind should be the most important thing. I hope you will find some solution to this. Must be extremely hard with the unfaithfulness and all. I can only imagine. You definitely deserve better.

[JC.Love01!]

Thanks.  Yes, it is beyond crazy.  Any and everyone I've told my story to is shocked by it.  They call it a "horror movie" or a "soap opera" or a "nuclear bomb going off."

I could never have imagined going through this, let alone my children (and hers).  I didn't even know what BPD was 6 months ago (I thought she just had an addictive personality, primarily alcohol).

This is not what I envisioned, wanted, planned for.  Breakups are hard, breakups with someone you deeply love are harder, breakups with someone you love who jammed a knife into your heart in front of you/their kids are....well.....words cant describe.

But life doesnt stop, nor will I.  I need to move forward.  My kids need me to, I have a great array of other aspects of life (friends, work/work team/career, hobbies, etc).   But I dont even know how to begin other than seeing my therapist and reading books/websites/blogs.

[Anonymous_male]

I can relate. I also only just learned about the details of the disorder some months ago.

And yes the trauma bond. I am also trying to detach myself from it. Seems so difficult to escape it.

Sounds good that you have a network etc. I am also looking to my therapist for help/guidance. I read 2 books on BPD and thought that I could make it work. But even using the tools, although they help, I would end up losing my mind I think. I am now reading up on codependency, which many of us have.

[kells76]

Hi JC.Love01!, want to add my to the others -- glad you landed here.

The betrayal hurts, and then there's the dangerous behavior (drunk driving), to say nothing of her treatment of your children. It really can be beyond crazy, and so painful, when the good times were so good and you had so much hope for the future.

But life doesnt stop, nor will I.  I need to move forward.  My kids need me to, I have a great array of other aspects of life (friends, work/work team/career, hobbies, etc).   But I dont even know how to begin other than seeing my therapist and reading books/websites/blogs.

These aren't "normal" breakups, so "normal" post-breakup stuff doesn't always cut it. It's smart of you to go to therapy to start working through not just "what happened between us" but "what led me to be attracted to her". Like Anonymous_male mentioned,

Sounds good for your health and your kids, that you are looking at all options. Peace of mind should be the most important thing. I hope you will find some solution to this. Must be extremely hard with the unfaithfulness and all. I can only imagine. You definitely deserve better.

Can I ask -- are your kids in any kind of counseling/therapy? Seeing the school counselor? With you modeling to them that "hey, going to therapy is a good thing, it's really helpful to have someone neutral listening to you and helping you learn", they may be open to it if they aren't already. Could be worth looking into -- or even family therapy as a place for all of you to process together what happened.

Do you have 2 of the 4 kids? Which ages are yours?

What's the situation with her kids' dad (or dads) -- did you act as father to her kids, or were they still in contact with Dad? Curious if you are pondering trying to stay in her kids' lives.

...

You sound pretty done with the relationship -- it makes sense, not all breakups are saveable. If you want to keep diving in and learning more, we do have a series of lessons onDetaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship    -- I'm thinking of your core questions here:

Did I mean nothing?   Does she not care about the kids?   Who does this?!   How do I even begin to move forward???

and sometimes reading and reflecting can help untangle our thoughts.

...

in terms of this:

Trying to get her to move out, she's being stubborn.  Looking at all options including a temporary move-out.

it's your house, correct? Have you considered doing an initial consultation (not retaining, at least, not yet) with a couple of local lawyers? Initial consultations can be free or low cost and don't require a retainer, and you can get a much better sense of your legal options, including options you may not have thought of yet.

Keep us in the loop;

kells76

[JC.Love01!]

Thanks kells76.

My older son (12) does have a therapist (for his ADHD/OCD).  He's been seeing her for years.  Ironically enough part of her practice specializes in BPD (and she was also engaged to one at one point).   She has been aware of this volatility from the last 1.5 years and appreciates the challenges it has caused.   My younger son (10) does not have a therapist - he doesnt share his feelings too often, but I am very worried about him as he is close to her kids (ages 9 and 15).

Her children have been exposed to all of this as well, and I have met with her ex to talk it all through, as the kids have a strong bond with him.  He and his partner are very concerned about everything that has happened, and worry about what the future will bring, as they know I was a great role model and stabilizing force for their children (certainly in comparison to their mom).   We agreed to maintain a good relationship between the kids moving forward, as they essentially are step-siblings being pulled apart.

I have consulted with a lawyer, I have the right to get the house per our legal agreement (she cant afford it anyway) but she doesnt have to move out for another 6 months.   Staying together for that long while she gallivants around with her new supply is super hurtful to me (and my kids by extension).  And my kids don't like being around her, and it is weighing on their minds and taking up way too much space in their little brains.   

Do I want to leave the relationship?   Of course not, I love her dearly.  But can I imagine going back after all of the damage and trauma she has wrought, both to me and my kids?  I just can't....I'm not sure how I could possibly forgive her for this, especially since she blames ME for everything that happened, and has never owned up or admitted mistakes or shortcomings during our 6 years together.

It is beyond heartbreaking, but I dont really have much of a choice at this stage.  My older son would be absolutely crushed if I went back to her yet again.   The entire thing is devastating.

I

[ForeverDad]

Historically, infidelity is certainly a valid basis for ending a relationship.  That she is flaunting it and unapologetic is shocking.

Do you have a counselor or therapist?  This is crazy enough that you need to get an objective perspective.  You're dealing with this subjectively, but you need objectivity in order to make sound decisions for yourself and your two sons.  There's an old saying, The walls have ears.  Apparently eyes too.  All the kids have seen and heard the crazy-making.  While you have no legal authority over her children, your children need you, and more than that, they need to see you standing up as a good example for them.

Since you've already contemplated your legal alternatives and have been told she cannot be forced to leave until 6 months have passed, by serving her legal notice (follow the legal process to the letter, then maybe moving out until she's gone is the thing to do.

There can be a lot of pitfalls doing the legal thing.

• What if she trashes the house, do you have proof (photos, video) you left it in good condition?
• Would she be informed that as long as she is there that until she leaves that she is responsible for any damage?
• What if she doesn't leave when legally expected?  Can you have an eviction process started that becomes enforceable if/when she delays?  Be prepared for surprises of the worst kind.

Do I want to leave the relationship?   Of course not, I love her dearly.

Have you heard the fable of the Frog and the Scorpion? Scorpion comes to a stream and asks the frog to ferry him across the stream since he can't swim. Frog has misgivings but finally relents, ferrying the scorpion across. But as the scorpion crawls off onto the other side he stings the frog. Frog moans, Why did you hurt me after I helped you? Scorpion simply replied, I'm a scorpion, it's what I do.

What more will it take to convince you that she is Bad News personified?

Can you sit down and ask yourself, "Can I just accept with my head what needs to be done now, and later my heart can catch up?"

[JC.Love01!]

Thanks ForeverDad.    That old fable is exactly where I have been up to this point - and she is certainly a scorpion (or a poisonous snake, whichever has a worse connotation).   However, I refuse to let myself sink and die based on her poison.  Thus, why I broke up with her and am moving to get her out of our house so I and my boys can move on with our lives.     The kids will really miss each other, but I already have an agreement with her kids' father that we will maintain a relationship between them and setup play dates and meetings so they can still be in each others' lives, which is good.

As for my boys - yes, I am well aware of the damage already caused, and the potential for more damage in the future.   It is why I stood up and decided to end things with her, in as much to stick up for them and model good behavior and absolute limits as anything.   Should it have happened earlier?  Probably.  Did I try to show them that attempting to give 2nd chances and "giving it your all" is the right approach so you can walk away knowing deep down that you tried it all before exiting?  I did.  Hopefully they will appreciate that over time.

Neither they nor I ever expected the infidelity that happened instantly after my asking that we move toward a breakup, let alone the flaunting and heartlessness of her being able to move on so quickly.  Everyone is damaged from the - me, her kids, my kids.  It models horrible behavior and looks/feels terrible for all, especially given all of this history and shared bonding we have.   My boys and I will (hopefully) heal from this over time, her kids have to be stuck with a mother that has shown that her abysmal treatment of others has no depths (her son already realizes this and hates it).

As for the living - yes, I am concerned about the state of the house + any potential damage done if and when I temporarily exit.  My intent is to take photos of everything before I leave, quasi-regularly stop back here to check on the state of the place and ensure no damage is wrought, and demand a thorough home inspection before any settlement/payout.   Our agreement states that any repairs/maintenance must be upheld before settlement....I am not sure how that will exactly work but if I see or know of damage my intent is to simply hold back what I believe it will cost to fix it all.   And that will be less money in her pocket for her new place, so she loses as well. 

I'm not sure if she will even move out by the deadline.  My attorney said that will require a court order and various motions....apparently she could technically file her own based on safety of her children and needing to remain, etc.   I am praying it doesn't get to that stage, as that will be pure gridlock and prolonged awfulness....which isn't good for anyone....I can't imagine she'll want that either.   But I will not put anything past her.....as a friend has told me - "hell hath no fury...times 10.... like a Borderline scorned..."