My sister is definitely BPD and I cant take it anymore

[Natasha27]

I originally thought I was imagining it when I finally got married that my sister questioned everything about my marriage and wedding as it was not the traditional way she is used to. I put it down to different views at first. Then I was overwhelmed with how much she hated my brother and sister in law to the point she nearly manipulated me into hating them too. Thankfully I did not fall for the bait. There has been so much bait however since my dad had a stroke and my mother has become the primary carer which has become more manageable with all our help and few relatives and neighbours help. In reality we are very blessed. It was so chaotic at the beginning. We each going through our own changes that I can acknowledge. I was becoming a new mother. Pregnant for the first time. My sister was going through infertility issues. My brother also newly married and now a father for the first time. It is definitely a hard season for my sister but herself and her husband turned into my worst nightmare that I had to block them both on phone and I avoid them at my mother's house at all costs. I have faced my sister this weekend as I couldn't avoid and she was extremely dramatic over not being invited to my child 1st birthday. But I have had to overcome so much from things she said. I am terrified of her and afraid she will say anything to my new family. I did not cut her out and single her out. My husbands siblings were not there. Yet they didnt react the way she did. MY mother carrys my sister and possibly feels responsible for her infertility issues etc. and my sister and her husband are glued to my mother really or at least they make it look that way. I have been picked at by them as a new mother. I have comments from her husband all the time. I have grown thicker skin but I dont want her in my life. Yet ive tried that and shes still here as my mother is in way there. She wants us all talking and if I want my mother and father I will see her. She doesn't take responsibility for anything she said. She denies everything even though I have it on text and voice message and my husband heard her. All she worries about is that I dont tell my husband anything and she can visit my child. She has never acknowledged me. Actually after I came home from hospital with baby she asked me if I could bring dad to physio. Thankfully my mother sided with me there. I understand infertility is painful experience but this is beyond that. She definitely twists everything I say. My brother confirmed that he has gone through the same thing and he blocked her. Now he has a child and she is trying to ruin it for him too saying he is doing nothing for my dad at moment but his baby is only 3 months old. My mother is also siding with her here as they hate my sister in law. But my sister in law is lovely. maybe my mother is a bit BPD too. I really dont know what to do anymore. My husband is sick of the drama that I come home with after an encounter with her. I have tried this for 2 years now boundaries walls - communicating with her does not help. The only think that works is agreeing with her and licking up to her and following her rules. I won't bow down. My parents love her and thinks she is good little girl even though she is 42. Her husband is possibly similar. Not sure, he probably has a hard life living with her. I think everyone in my family is afraid of her all their life but only me and my brother have taken measures. She is evil nasty with her words. She has zero empathy back. They really liked me when I appeared stuck in my life but when I announced marriage and pregnancy it went downhill. So when I looked like my life was coming together to them they are so envious and jealous. It has been hard as we live in a village dynamic.. I sometimes want to runaway but I am a farmers wife so there no shipping away for me. Currently she is blocked on my phone. She sees nothing wrong with herself and has not changed after a checkin this weekend. So 2 years later no change. She is always crying and the emotional one when trying chat. She has done no healing, I am life coach. I go to counsellors and coaches all the time, I am spiritual person too. She has never seen a counsellor.

[kells76]

Hi Natasha27 and welcome to the group

So much of what you've been through sounds familiar, especially how your sister with BPD seemed to be triggered by medical events (your father) and life changes (your baby, your brother's baby) happening to other people around her. And, unfortunately it can be common for the pwBPD (person with BPD) to "take over" a certain family relationship and to act as a "gatekeeper", regulating who can and can't contact the family member, and using that to gain contact with or control over others. Your sister seems to know that you love your mother and want to spend time with her, so your sister plants herself at your mother's house -- trying to force you to choose "either both of us, or neither of us". I'm so sorry this is happening when it should be a time of joy with all the new babies in the family.

It sounds like your husband and one of your brothers are supportive of you, and understand how difficult your sister is? Is that close? It can be so meaningful when others close to us see the real dynamics, and support us in our choices to be healthy.

Minimizing contact with your sister would make sense. In the times, though, when you might have to communicate with her, there are some approaches that can help decrease conflict. For example, many pwBPD crave validation, and when we validate others, we can help them feel heard which can help discussions stay calm and not explode.

Validation doesn't mean that you agree with her distorted view of the facts, or that you suck up to her, or placate her, or tiptoe around her.

Validation does mean that when she says something crazy, or wacky, or hurtful, or angry, you pause and think -- what are the feelings that might be behind those words? And then you respond only to those feelings, not to her false allegations or raging statements.

One example would be if she texted something like: "I can't believe you invited everybody else to your baby's party and not me. You hate me, and I'll never forgive you for this."

An invalidating response would be to try to explain yourself to her: "But I didn't invite everybody else -- these other people didn't come. And I don't hate you! I just wish you could see that I'm trying to love you."

A validating response might be: "Wow, that would really hurt to feel left out. What's going on?"

You didn't have to agree with her blame and distortions -- but you found a feeling that she might be feeling, and agreed that feeling that way would hurt.

...

Would you say that your biggest concern if you were to avoid your sister and stop communicating with her, would be that she would "burrow in" to your mother's house so that you would have to avoid your mother if you did not want to see your sister?