he discarded me - what happens next?

[swiftielover22]

Hello.

I was in a short-lived relationship with a boy with BPD. He is 16, I am 17. We originally decided to hook up as he has a really high sex drive, and I asked to get into a relationship and we did. We had a super passionate 3 day relationship with lots of sexual behaviour and lovebombing and suddenly one day I told him I didn't want to have sex and he broke up with me and said he lost feelings and he wasn't a good person. He just went from 100 to 0 in an hour. We were texting after and I kept begging to have him back and he kept telling me no. I also found out before we got together he was saying some really mean stuff about my body and at the same time was telling me I was beautiful. We came to an agreement somehow that we'd meet in a few years' time and try again, and today we had a huge fight where I said some stuff I didn't mean after I found out he was already talking to new girls 1.5 weeks after the breakup and he just completely emotionally disconnected. It's like he wasn't a person, just totally done with me. He blocked me on everywhere after a conversation where I tried to make amends and he said some mean stuff, and just emailed me after I sent some long begging emails and said he had closure from our fight but would give me a hug if he ever saw me again.

What happens next? Is he forever emotionally disconnected? Is there ever a chance of him coming back? I have C-PTSD from dating a boy with NPD in a very toxic situation and I don't know what to expect because my NPD ex kept coming back and didn't find it so easy to block and discard me and we were on good terms for a bit. Do I ignore him? Do I keep telling him I want him back?

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated, this situation is driving me crazy and I don't have much knowledge on how people with BPD (especially young people) behave in these situations).

[tina7868]

Hi and welcome, swiftielover22  ! It sounds like a lot happened in a short amount of time. I am sorry for the pain and confusion you might be experiencing after a situation like this, but glad you found this community. A lot of us can relate to the feeling of being on an emotional rollercoaster.

What happens next? Is he forever emotionally disconnected? Is there ever a chance of him coming back? I have C-PTSD from dating a boy with NPD in a very toxic situation and I don't know what to expect because my NPD ex kept coming back and didn't find it so easy to block and discard me and we were on good terms for a bit. Do I ignore him? Do I keep telling him I want him back?

No one can predict the future, but before taking any further actions, it`s important to check in with yourself. What would be the ideal outcome for you? What sort of feelings are you having about the situation?

[swiftielover22]

Hi and welcome, swiftielover22  ! It sounds like a lot happened in a short amount of time. I am sorry for the pain and confusion you might be experiencing after a situation like this, but glad you found this community. A lot of us can relate to the feeling of being on an emotional rollercoaster.

No one can predict the future, but before taking any further actions, it`s important to check in with yourself. What would be the ideal outcome for you? What sort of feelings are you having about the situation?

Hi Tina, thank you for your response. It's a very emotionally draining experience and this community seems to have a lot of great insights, and as somebody who was in such a short relationship, I can't imagine the pain of those who were in long-term situations. But with him, an emotional rollercoaster is definitely the best way to describe it.

Thank you for asking that, I think my ideal outcome is to move on but my heart won't let me. I underwent a lot of trauma with my NPD ex so I just want to get on with my life and exams but I also know I had a great connection with him, so we agreed to go on a date in the future but I doubt this'll end differently and I don't know why I'm trying, maybe it's because of love or the trauma bond. I feel really conflicted - I care about him but seeing him go so cold and lose all feelings, and say he can never guarantee that won't happen again, and that he won't get therapy, and that he gets sadistic joy from me begging - that seems like too much for me and in my heart I think I need some stability and I deserve to have someone who cares the same way I do. So I'm trying to work on moving on, but I still harbour that hope for the future I think. We had a great connection and I've never felt that way before I think. Does this make sense?

Thank you for your response and I hope you have a great day.

[tina7868]

Thank you for asking that, I think my ideal outcome is to move on but my heart won't let me. I underwent a lot of trauma with my NPD ex so I just want to get on with my life and exams but I also know I had a great connection with him, so we agreed to go on a date in the future but I doubt this'll end differently and I don't know why I'm trying, maybe it's because of love or the trauma bond. I feel really conflicted - I care about him but seeing him go so cold and lose all feelings, and say he can never guarantee that won't happen again, and that he won't get therapy, and that he gets sadistic joy from me begging - that seems like too much for me and in my heart I think I need some stability and I deserve to have someone who cares the same way I do. So I'm trying to work on moving on, but I still harbour that hope for the future I think. We had a great connection and I've never felt that way before I think. Does this make sense?

It`s understandable, normal and completely human to feel conflicted. You seem to have a good grasp not only of the sources of this conflict for you, but also of the way that your past plays a role in the way you feel. This level of insight will be useful on your journey.

I can tell that you care a lot about him. No matter the length of time of the relationship, you are the one who decides the significance of it in your life. That significance may change, as you grow and learn, but your feelings are valid, always. Now, I won`t lie to you, there may be pain that comes from that learning and growing, but it is worth it.

For now, your priority is you. Focus on your exams. Take care of yourself. Share how you are feeling here, anytime, if it helps you. Be easy on yourself.

Is this person someone you have to see often in person (like in a school or work setting)?

[swiftielover22]

It`s understandable, normal and completely human to feel conflicted. You seem to have a good grasp not only of the sources of this conflict for you, but also of the way that your past plays a role in the way you feel. This level of insight will be useful on your journey.

I can tell that you care a lot about him. No matter the length of time of the relationship, you are the one who decides the significance of it in your life. That significance may change, as you grow and learn, but your feelings are valid, always. Now, I won`t lie to you, there may be pain that comes from that learning and growing, but it is worth it.

For now, your priority is you. Focus on your exams. Take care of yourself. Share how you are feeling here, anytime, if it helps you. Be easy on yourself.

Is this person someone you have to see often in person (like in a school or work setting)?

Thank you, I appreciate that and hopefully it will make the journey easier. I can't make up my mind and I'm glad to hear that's a normal thing, and I think pushing a relationship into the future is smart because it doesn't kill my hopes now while allowing me to move on.

Yes, I did care about him as a person and it hurts me that he prioritised sex so much and viewed me in large part as my body. It was extraordinarily significant for me as it was my first sexual experience and person I liked since my long-term ex and we connected so well, most people see that but he's very cruel about it and keeps telling me it wasn't that long and I should get over it because he's "not a good person" in his words. Thank you, it's reassuring to hear they're valid because I do second-guess myself a lot. I hope I learn and grow enough to stop attracting people who hurt me.

Thank you, I think being future-focused is important at the moment and I need to stop caring so much about his feelings and thoughts since he doesn't really think of mine. I do keep wondering what I could've done differently and if he would have stayed if I agreed to sex which is horrific when I think about it, so I think I need to find some more self love and self respect and take no contact as a good thing. This community is a bit confusing to navigate but posting here and receiving this affirmation has been really healing since my parents refuse to talk about it and instead attack my attracting toxic boys, and my therapist doesn't understand.

We don't see each other in person at all except from when we went on our dates. We met on Snapchat, and have hardly any mutual friends in person, and he lives in the town next to mine so I hadn't met him before our first date and I haven't seen him since and likely won't as we hardly travel to each others' towns otherwise. This is a good thing for no contact, but it was detrimental to our relationship.

Thank you again Tina.

[Pook075]

Hi Swiftie,

First off, welcome to the site ands thanks for sharing!  I am so sorry you're going through this but I'm thrilled you found us.

In terms of what to do, Tina's advice was spot-on in suggesting that you take a step back and catch your breath.  New love is exciting and can feel like the best thing in the world, but the truth is that you barely knew this guy or his intentions.

Men (especially at 16) have strong sex drives and it's easy for it to become a primary focus.  There's an old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  What it means is, if you have a sexual relationship with a man right off the bat, then he has no reason to treat you like a lady and show you love/affection. 

He was after lust...you were after love...and he's a serious jerk. 

Please note that that's all men, not just those with BPD.  Not that all guys are jerks, but the drive is there in our biology and every young man thinks about it often.  A decent guy is not going to try to sleep with you on the first date though and he's certainly not going to talk about it behind your back.

Again, I fully agree with Tina that your feelings are valid and none of us can give you direct advice on what to do from here.  But the more you pursue him and the more he withdraws, the more it reveals what his intentions were.

My advice- you deserve a guy who will love and cherish you for you.

[EyesUp]

Hello Swiftielover,

Welcome.

It can be easy to confuse physical intimacy with emotional and intellectual intimacy.  Sometimes they all go together really well, and those relationships can feel like - and be - the best.

Othertimes, we only get one or two out of three, and that's more than enough to feel good about a relationship - at least for a while. 

My question is: For those three days, were you connecting on a deeper level, or was it mainly physical?  If so, understanding your own attraction to this guy, or your reason to want to recover, is super important.

In regard to sex - anytime one partner says that they are not good to go, it's important that the other partner respects their wishes.  It sounds like your (ex?) partner wasn't thinking about your wishes.  Instead, he felt rejected or at least took it personally, rather than trying to understand where you were at.  Just so we understand - was it your intention to tell him that you didn't want to have sex at that moment?  Or that you weren't ready in general?  Or that you didn't want to have sex with him at all, ever?  No wrong answers!  It might help you get more useful responses here if you can make that clear - and then maybe the path forward will include making sure it's clear for him too?

Or maybe taking a step back will help you gain some perspective to determine if this is really a relationship that you want to recover?

Hope you're feeling ok this weekend.

[swiftielover22]

Hello Swiftielover,

Welcome.

It can be easy to confuse physical intimacy with emotional and intellectual intimacy.  Sometimes they all go together really well, and those relationships can feel like - and be - the best.

Othertimes, we only get one or two out of three, and that's more than enough to feel good about a relationship - at least for a while. 

My question is: For those three days, were you connecting on a deeper level, or was it mainly physical?  If so, understanding your own attraction to this guy, or your reason to want to recover, is super important.

In regard to sex - anytime one partner says that they are not good to go, it's important that the other partner respects their wishes.  It sounds like your (ex?) partner wasn't thinking about your wishes.  Instead, he felt rejected or at least took it personally, rather than trying to understand where you were at.  Just so we understand - was it your intention to tell him that you didn't want to have sex at that moment?  Or that you weren't ready in general?  Or that you didn't want to have sex with him at all, ever?  No wrong answers!  It might help you get more useful responses here if you can make that clear - and then maybe the path forward will include making sure it's clear for him too?

Or maybe taking a step back will help you gain some perspective to determine if this is really a relationship that you want to recover?

Hope you're feeling ok this weekend.

Hello, and thank you for your response. Yes, we thought it was a mix of everything - we'd been friends for a month and used to have really fun conversations, but as soon as we found out we had this amazing physical connection, everything else took a backseat. When we went on our second date, we held hands and chitchatted about life but it was clear what we were waiting for. And if we were texting, a lot of the time it was lovebombing and not really conversations, it was mostly "I love you, you're so perfect, can't wait to see you again" but saying that, we did have one FaceTime for a few hours where we just asked questions and tried to connect emotionally and we ended up having a really great time.

I thought we were connecting on a deeper level, but looking back - it was mostly the physical connection that stunned us as teenagers and maybe the rest of it took a backseat, which I realise is the wrong way round in a relationship.

I've tried to say no to certain things a few times, and before our first date, we had a massive fight where I said I didn't want to hookup on the first date, not because I didn't want to per se but just because I didn't feel comfortable doing that on the first date and he got really upset and told me he has progressive liberal views on sex and it would be unacceptable for him to see me deny my wishes and it would be dishonest of me to not act on them, which I look back and realise is quite manipulative. On the day we broke up, I told him I wasn't ready to have sex on the night we'd planned to, because I felt I didn't know him enough and I was scared, and I wanted to see how he'd react to 'no' because I had a fear that if we stayed together and I said 'no' he might force me or leave me. I said in a few weeks I would, just not that night. He wasn't thinking about me at all, looking back, and maybe he felt rejected. I've read that people with BPD tend to have casual sex and unprotected sex and those are two things he was totally fine with (at the time at least) so maybe it's related to that, but it really affected me. Does this make sense in a way?

We are currently no-contact, and I've started to realise maybe this isn't a relationship I want to recover. From the large focus on sex, to the insulting comments made about my body to his friend, to his easy discard and his sudden coldness, I may still love him but he's damaged my life and hurt me so much. If he comes back after no-contact, I'll have to really think about it and I have solid terms now when it comes to sex and I think maybe I'll encourage him to go to therapy.

Thank you so much for your response, it's given me a lot to think about and I hope you have a great weekend.

[swiftielover22]

Hi Swiftie,

First off, welcome to the site ands thanks for sharing!  I am so sorry you're going through this but I'm thrilled you found us.

In terms of what to do, Tina's advice was spot-on in suggesting that you take a step back and catch your breath.  New love is exciting and can feel like the best thing in the world, but the truth is that you barely knew this guy or his intentions.

Men (especially at 16) have strong sex drives and it's easy for it to become a primary focus.  There's an old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"  What it means is, if you have a sexual relationship with a man right off the bat, then he has no reason to treat you like a lady and show you love/affection. 

He was after lust...you were after love...and he's a serious jerk. 

Please note that that's all men, not just those with BPD.  Not that all guys are jerks, but the drive is there in our biology and every young man thinks about it often.  A decent guy is not going to try to sleep with you on the first date though and he's certainly not going to talk about it behind your back.

Again, I fully agree with Tina that your feelings are valid and none of us can give you direct advice on what to do from here.  But the more you pursue him and the more he withdraws, the more it reveals what his intentions were.

My advice- you deserve a guy who will love and cherish you for you.

Hi Pook, thank you for this really helpful response. This actually has made me think about it and his intentions and I really appreciate the advice, I think I really needed to hear a lot of this, and I'm grateful that this community exists so I don't feel quite so confused!

This is true; I think we sped at 1000 miles an hour straight off and that's why the sudden drop and discard feels so jarring. And while I loved him, looking back, I did hardly know him, even though all the signs were there that he just wanted something sexual (he told me that because he desired me, it must mean he has feelings).

That saying interests me - he always said he never thought less of me and actually respected me more for wanting it too and wasn't a misogynist, but I think right now he's content that he got so much from me and his comments about my body and the fact he was bragging to his friends makes me think otherwise. I made it clear to him I wanted to be dated like a lady - it saddens me now that I wasn't, and that I regret having given so much. And I think he only showed me love because it came with the other stuff - he told me he loved me when that was happening, not when we were talking.

And now you've said that, I realise it's true. We both wanted different things, but we made ourselves believe we wanted what the other person wanted. He is definitely a jerk, but I don't know if that's just because he let sex influence his every move with me or if it's the way he treated me when I said that wasn't on the cards.

"A decent guy is not going to try to sleep with you on the first date though and he's certainly not going to talk about it behind your back" - truer words haven't been spoken. I completely agree now and I wish we'd had this conversation and I wish he'd listened to me when I told him not for the first date. And speaking about it behind my back - he told the most gossipy people in his school about what happened, and also commented on my body disparagingly, and when I told him why this was a problem, his response was "I don't know what to say to you, it's not that deep" after I promised to not tell people he used me and to shut down that rumour (even though I question it sometimes myself).

Thank you, and this situation is confusing - I think if he comes back and wants to try again, there's a lot of conversations that need to be had and a lot of boundaries that need to be set. Those won't go down well with him, but I need to do them for my own sake. But it's true, and considering he is already finding other people to hookup with while I'm trying to heal from the pain and not entertain other options right now really shows what his priority was, and I think pursuing him while he was so cold was a bad choice now, but at least the option is there for if he wants to change his ways in the future.

Thank you for the advice - I'm starting to believe that now, I just wish it had been him. I was speaking to his friend, who kept telling me I'm more than my looks or my body and I have a brain and a personality and if somebody's dating me, they should care about me for all of that.

Thank you for this post, it really is what I need to hear. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

[Pook075]

Thank you for the advice - I'm starting to believe that now, I just wish it had been him. I was speaking to his friend, who kept telling me I'm more than my looks or my body and I have a brain and a personality and if somebody's dating me, they should care about me for all of that.

Hey Swiftie,

I'm very glad that you "heard me" and others here; it shows an emotional maturity that a lot of people don't have at 17.  Whether or not he used you doesn't matter as long as you're learning from this experience- you have tremendous worth and you shouldn't sacrifice your standards in life for anyone.  What you "feel" should be your guiding light in life and nobody gets to say any different.

Learn from this mistake and move on.  If he comes back and wants another chance, that's up to you...but make him earn every inch of the relationship.  Love is easy to recognize because true love is sacrificial, his wants and needs are secondary to yours in just about everything.  If he doesn't show you that kind of love then he's clearly not the one.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1st Corinthians 13:4-6,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

This is how a man loves you, like your father (hopefully) loves you.  It's a great standard to look for in any new relationship.

Again, you made a mistake and it's a learning opportunity.  Grow from it and let this lesson serve you well in life.  You're going to be just fine and you'll know true love once you see it.

Good luck Swiftie!

[swiftielover22]

Hey Swiftie,

I'm very glad that you "heard me" and others here; it shows an emotional maturity that a lot of people don't have at 17.  Whether or not he used you doesn't matter as long as you're learning from this experience- you have tremendous worth and you shouldn't sacrifice your standards in life for anyone.  What you "feel" should be your guiding light in life and nobody gets to say any different.

Learn from this mistake and move on.  If he comes back and wants another chance, that's up to you...but make him earn every inch of the relationship.  Love is easy to recognize because true love is sacrificial, his wants and needs are secondary to yours in just about everything.  If he doesn't show you that kind of love then he's clearly not the one.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1st Corinthians 13:4-6,

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

This is how a man loves you, like your father (hopefully) loves you.  It's a great standard to look for in any new relationship.

Again, you made a mistake and it's a learning opportunity.  Grow from it and let this lesson serve you well in life.  You're going to be just fine and you'll know true love once you see it.

Good luck Swiftie!

Hi Pook, thanks again for your insightful responses. I agree, the important thing is there's a lesson here - but I'm terrified that I recognise the lesson and I'm still weak. I am much quicker in recognising when somebody is toxic compared to my NPD ex, but me and that ex went through cycles and cycles and my parents had to pull me out of that situation and block us from talking, and they refuse to do that anymore so I'm scared I'm going to make the wrong choice and I'm still a kid in so many ways. My gut instinct is to not give him the time of day, and I probably won't, but I don't know if I'll go back in the future and get redrawn into cycles. Thank you for reminding me of my worth - everytime I speak to my dad about this, he just gets frustrated and tells me I need to love myself but it's hard to hear in some ways.

Thanks for the reminder - honestly, I don't know whether it's the BPD or whether it's him, but I don't think he's capable of that kind of love detached from physicality, and I don't think he has the capacity to love me in the way I love him (at least right now, he might change but I'm not betting on it). I think maybe I got blinded by how strongly I loved him and how I wouldn't leave him and didn't recognise he couldn't do the same.

That verse is something I really resonate with - I asked my church leader to pray with me last night and that sort of love, and remembering I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" reminds me I'm not alone and I'm deserving of something true and honest. And if he can't provide that and if it's easy for him to leave, then he isn't the one.

You're right, that love is the kind I have always received from my dad, and he was so involved when my NPD ex was in the picture through reading, buying me narcissistic abuse detachment courses, speaking to law enforcement professionals and my ex's dad. And I get that BPD is hereditary, my ex said members of his family likely have it too, but I'm wondering - is codependency and attracting mentally unwell people a learned behaviour? I don't know much about it but I know both my parents are solid and stable and are easy to drop people who are toxic in their lives and love me a huge huge amount and have never made me feel like I'm less than I am, so I'm wondering if you have any insights.

I appreciate the final part - it's tricky to keep remembering it'll be alright and I'll be just fine and all these experiences shape me as a person, but I know it will get better and I just need to take a good long look at myself and work on my underlying trauma and take a break from boys and especially this one to make sure I'm stronger either to be with him, or to find something better for me.

Thank you for your response!

[Pook075]

And I get that BPD is hereditary, my ex said members of his family likely have it too, but I'm wondering - is codependency and attracting mentally unwell people a learned behaviour?

There are many members here who have dated or married multiple BPD/NPD individuals over the years.  I don't think it's a learned behavior as much as being a rescuer in life, wanting to save someone from their struggles and see them thrive.  It's a fantastic trait to have in a great relationship...but it's a curse if we're with the wrong person.

With BPD relationships, it's off the charts good at first and the mirroring/love-bombing pulls us in.  Then we spend the rest of the relationship waiting for that to return, trying to figure out what missing, etc.  Some make it work, some don't, and that's okay either way.  The real trick is recognizing these relationships for what they are and the special types of attention they need to be successful.

At the end of the day, you have to accept that you don't need a man to define you- you can stand on your own just fine and be okay with it.  That's where the majority of the members here are trying to get to in different stages of grief.  I'm not 100% there myself and that's okay, there's no timelines on healing from trauma or a toxic relationship.

All I can say is, for future relationships, 1st Corinthians 13 is a great baseline.  Love someone who loves you completely, and guard your heart until you find him.  He's out there somewhere and he's worth waiting for!