loved one of borderline personality disorder

[hungryhippo]

This is my first time on anything like this, so I am not sure exactly what to say. I guess some background to start with. I am 22 years old, and my younger sister and mom have borderline personality disorder. My older sister also has a mental illness either skitsophrenia or borderline, but she would not stay in the hospital long enough to be officially diagnosed. My older sister molested the little one and so she is not currently in the picture. My youngest sister has tried, to kill herself at least 10 times now and her symptoms are getting progressively worse. I have always been her number one supporter and recently i feel like there is no hope for a better future. I feel even guiltier for feeling this way because if I cannot fully support her then who will? I just do not know what to do anymore I am drained.

[Pook075]

This is my first time on anything like this, so I am not sure exactly what to say. I guess some background to start with. I am 22 years old, and my younger sister and mom have borderline personality disorder. My older sister also has a mental illness either skitsophrenia or borderline, but she would not stay in the hospital long enough to be officially diagnosed. My older sister molested the little one and so she is not currently in the picture. My youngest sister has tried, to kill herself at least 10 times now and her symptoms are getting progressively worse. I have always been her number one supporter and recently i feel like there is no hope for a better future. I feel even guiltier for feeling this way because if I cannot fully support her then who will? I just do not know what to do anymore I am drained.

Hey Hippo.  That's truly heartbreaking and I am so sorry you're going through this.  You came to the right place.

First off, there's always hope.  Don't give up on that just because the deck seems to be stacked against you.  Your mom and your sisters will get through this!

Also, can you tell us a little bit more about your relationship with your younger sister?  Why are you drained?  I don't want to assume here so it would help to have a little more context.

For people with BPD, communication is often strained because they struggle to control their emotions.  Your job as a big brother is to help her "level out" in times of high stress so she can relax and see things more objectively.  It's not fair and it's a very heavy burden to carry, but hopefully you realize that this is ultimately not on you to "save her".  I have an ex-wife and a young adult daughter with BPD and I had to learn this the hard way.

Please tell us what you need help with and when you get a chance, take a look at the sticky tabs along the top of the page.  They give invaluable tools to communicate more effectively and de-escalate situations when a loved on is struggling.  Please let us know if you have any questions- we're here for you!

[Methuen]

Hi Hungry Hippo,

I am so sorry for what has brought you here. What you have described is “too much” for anyone.

Feeling you are her number one supporter is kind of a trap because it may make you feel responsible. You also describe feeling guilty.

I think all of us on this forum struggle with guilt, so you are not alone.  But many things including genetic and environmental influences have led to these challenges, and you are not likely to be responsible for all that. We also can’t control how other people think and feel and act.

We can support in a way we are able.  That is what we can do. It sounds like you have done a lot for your sister as her number one supporter. If you have done as much as you can, then that is all you can do.  If she is still struggling, that’s not on you.  She has parents,, peers, doctors, social workers etc who all have a role to play.  And herself.  She has to be ready to accept help and heal.  That can’t all be on you. 

Please practice self compassion and self care.  We are more useful in this world if we ourselves are not falling apart.

It can get better.

I should mention that Hippos are special in my world, and I just lke your name.

[Notwendy]

Hello Hungry Hippo-
What strikes me about your post is how young you are. At 22, it may feel as if you should be responsible for your mother and siblings. It's certainly understandable that you want to help and do what you can but also there are aspects you don't have control over.

Your mother is an adult. You are not responsible for her actions or decisions.

Your older sister has a serious mental illness and needs to be under the care of a mental health professional. If she refuses to do this- this is not something you can control. She is also an adult.

Your younger sister also needs professional mental health. If she is also an adult, she needs to accept the help too. If she is still under age- child protective services can be involved here. If you see that she is at risk of being suicidal- call for emergency assistance (911 in the US).

You know how they say on airplanes to "put you oxygen mask on first" before assisting others. Think about this. How much help could you be to anyone if you, yourself, are struggling. If someone takes a water safety- lifeguard course- the first lesson is how to prevent the struggling person from grabbing on to you- because then, they will take you down with them. You have to keep yourself intact in order to be of help to anyone else.

Where are you at in terms of your own goals. Did you finish school? Do you have the job you are aiming at? If you have sacrificed your own goals and well being- this isn't helping you or them. Counseling will help you too- not because there is anything "wrong" with you but for support in this difficult situation. While you are concerned about your sister and what to do for her, it may be that the best thing you can do for her is to do the best thing for you- achieve your own goals, take care of yourself. Know your own limits with how much you can do and what is best handled by a professional while you remain in the role of caring sibling.