Extra hours

[dtkm]

My uBPDh likes to spend money on all things shiny and new for my stepdaughter and himself, but he refuses to spend any money on me, our 2 kids or his two step kids.  I am a buy nothing for myself so that I can afford to spend money on him and all of our kids.  My stepdaughter is an only child with her mom.  She gets everything she asks for, and she has let me and all of the kids know that numerous times.  For the most part, when I buy something for one child, I buy something similar for the other kids, ex. I buy them all clothes at the same time, shoes, sign them up for sports, etc.  He makes at least twice what I make for income.  When we called off the divorce, we originally talked about both of us putting all of our money into a joint account, but when I realized that he would not do so and he would criticize my every spending of a cent, I decided not to bring this up any longer.  Currently, finances are tight, with us both paying off our lawyer bills and him paying off the thousands of dollars of credit card debt he ran up when we were not living together.  Plus he still has his rental for a couple of months he has to pay for.  A trigger of my husbands is me going to work.  I get accused of having affairs all day long and it is an immediate bad mood the second I leave the house.  I work part time.  He works full time from home.  I have the opportunity to pick up an extra day at work on an as needed basis.  To me, this is great.  I can bring in more income to help pay both of our debt down sooner rather than later, plus he was adamant during our divorce proceedings that he never agreed to me working part time.  He originally offered to watch our 3 year old when I did this.  So, I signed up for several sessions.  Like clockwork, he threw a huge temper tantrum the night before I was supposed to take this shift, so I had to call out as I didn't feel like it was safe to leave my kids at home with him.  I am scheduled to pick up a shift again on Monday.   I know that the same will happen and I don't want to risk this opportunity by canceling last minute again, so I sent my uBPDh a text asking him his thoughts on if the benefit of me working out weighed the cost of him having to watch our 3 year old while he works, etc.  Saying that I am open to calling off all of the shifts or picking up more.  Of course crickets...he even responded to me about something else, so I know he can respond.  Not sure what to do.  I am dammed if I don't work extra as finances are tight and I know he won't pay for anything for me or my kids and I am dammed if I do work as I will either have to call out to protect my kids or deal with the aftermath.  Any suggestions as to what to do if he doesn't respond?  My thought was give it 2 more hours then call out if I haven't heard anything from him...my kids safety and sanity are worth the most to me!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[thankful person]

Hi dtkm,

I’m afraid I don’t have any magic answers but just wanted to say I relate to your situation. My dbpdw is a stay at home parent, she is bored and lonely and depressed. This leads to her spending money we don’t have, but paradoxically of course she doesn’t like me working because it takes away the attention from her. So she’s either complaining I don’t earn enough, or that I work too much, or most of the time both of those things. I’ve also had to cancel work over the past year because I don’t want to leave her looking after our 3 little ones when she’s so dysregulated and so this means I don’t earn and she thinks she got her way but is also angry because she knows I’m “putting the kids first” rather than her. I’m hoping to pick up more work soon, but I know it’s going to cause issues, particularly with an earlier start time so she’ll have to get the kids up on her own, normally I get them dressed and feed them in the morning while she stays in bed till the last minute. Sorry I couldn’t be more help anyway, just wanted to share my story.

[kells76]

Like thankful person brings up, kids + work + finances + BPD is a difficult combination (and kids + work + finances is already a juggling act even without a PD in the mix!)

The part that stands out to me as a problem-solving opportunity is making sure there is child care for your 3YO that doesn't depend on how your H feels.

Your H's feelings will change on a dime and may not correspond to anything in reality... and he may hold logically incompatible feelings at the same time (kind of like how thankful person's W both wants more money and wants her not to work). This is a feature of having a spouse with mental illness. S/he will want and feel things that don't make sense.

H and I learned not to ask for his kids' mom's agreement or cooperation on stuff that we really needed to get done. If there was something that the kids needed a ride to, asking her to agree to cover it would be an open door to argument, stonewalling, delay, footdragging, and -- even if it sounded like she might cooperate -- the chance of last-minute change (constructed in such a way that it'd be our fault in the eyes of the kids).

You know your H is not a reliable child care provider. And you know that it is reasonable for you to work (because you don't let his skewed perceptions of "what you're really doing there" influence your sensible choices, right?).

While it won't be fair, it sounds important to organize child care in a way that doesn't depend on H. It sucks and that's also the reality of parenting/coparenting with someone with BPD. We need to radically accept that s/he is who he is, and work with that reality.

It sounds like you do shift work -- how do your coworkers handle child care? Who can you ask at work about care resources? Neighbors, friends, local family, teen girls at church... let's problem-solve this so that your biggest concern is no longer your 3YO's safety, but "just" ignoring your H's insinuations (which aren't true, so you can ignore them in your decision making   )

How does that sound?

[dtkm]

Sorry it has been a bit, but we are back to this topic at our house!  He now is expecting me to pay for everything because he has too much debt to pay for our monthly expenses and our kids!  And he didn't tell me that he wasn't going to pay he just decided not to pay the mortgage and when I asked him about it, he said he transferred money to me to pay it.  He transferred less than the full mortgage payment and isn't paying for anything else...ie food to feed his kids (including my stepdaughter), school expenses, etc.  So I called him out on this, probably not in the best way for a pwBPD, but I have had it with the financial abuse!  Yesterday, I sent him a text (the only way we can safely communicate about anything that could set him off so the only way I communicate with him about things like this) that said he didn't transfer enough for me to pay the mortgage.  He responded that he couldn't afford anything more, but that he didn't want to argue and wanted to have a good day.  Ok, me either, but our mortgage is already past due and this has always been your responsibility!  I drop it.  He makes for a nice Valentines Day.  Today, I sent him another text (I am at work) mentioning that I didn't think what he was doing was fair, that he makes about 3 times more than me and should pay accordingly, plus I have full responsibility for our kids and if I work then I have to pay for daycare, but that is not the same for him.  I mention to him that I am trying to pick up more hours to help with this situation and say that I feel like it would be best to hire someone to watch our daughter.  He blasts me with how much debt he has (twice he does this), with all that he has paid for for us, etc.  I wanted to say, but held back, its not my fault that you spend money like crazy...did you really need to buy 5 pairs of jeans last month, and shop for way more stuff for yourself than that??  He ignores me saying that I am trying to pick up more work and asking for suggestions for help with childcare and says what is not fair is that he is expected to support a wife who lies, cheats and shows no respect to him (eye roll by me).  I ignored him and responded that I paid the money he transferred to the mortgage and expect him to pay the rest himself, that I will cover the living expenses for us and the kids that I have covered so far, but will expect him to pay for his fair share from now on if he is not going to transfer money to me to cover them and that I am trying to pick up hours to help pay off both of our debts (oh and that I expect he pays the mortgage without an issue from now on)...crickets...My question is, since he won't respond to me picking up extra work and child care for my daughter, do I just find someone on my own or do I set up interviews and let him know and if he shows up great and if not thats great too?  I know waiting for a response isn't the right answer! 

[dtkm]

Thank you for your response Kels!  That is what I am going to do!  As I mentioned above, he has semi stabilized on his outbursts and just won't speak to me for a bit, which I have come to enjoy as time for me, but now this!  I work at a hospital so I can pick up extra shifts in the emergency department most of the time.  Not at all what I want to do, but necessary right now and hopefully I can schedule it around my other kids activities or find other mom's willing to help drive as I know he will not.  I have used a website in the past and had good luck finding child care there so am planning on doing that again.  He works from home, so I feel like this may be strange for the daycare provider to watch our daughter with him home, but it is what he has mentioned wanting in the past.  Just not sure how to actually go about doing this if he won't respond or acknowledge that I am trying to work more, what he has said in the past that he wants me to do! UGH!