Constant whining about problems

[anon331312]

My sister has BPD and lives in a different city. Every time anyone sees her, she would whine, whine, whine about a lot of things.

Chief among her whining is how she has all sorts of joint and gastrointestinations issues and nothing in her place suits here. The chair is too soft, the bed is too hard, tables too high, the lamps too tall, or the mop is too heavy. Even if the waiter gave her an extra portion of pancake during afternoon tea, she would complain because her stomach can't take too much food.

It's almost like she is made of paper and nothing in life is compatible with her. I feel she takes delight in just listing out her complaints to her life to everyone because she repeats the same monologue to everyone.

Sometimes I wonder if she really has those medical issues or she's just someone who finds problems in everything. At this point, dealing with her is very emotionally draining because all she does is whine and she is never happy.

[Notwendy]

I don't think I have seen my BPD mother actually be happy. There have been moments where she seems happier but - it's more like momentary relief of her distressing feelings.

As to the physical problems- I think it's hard to tell. My own interpretation is that the physical discomfort is an expression of her emotional discomfort. Similarly to projection where they don't process their feelings as being their feelings- but that someone else must be to blame for them- their feelings translate to the physical feelings and they possibly feel them that way.

It's confusing though as they also could have a real physical cause sometimes. It's up to their medical providers to decide that. My BPD mother seems to have constantly had some kind of physical complaint- but also, she has had some medical issues. Also there are combinations- there's an emotional component to digestive issues, and also to pain.

I think pain describes my BPD mother. She seems to have some sort of constant pain. There's occasional relief from it but what seems to drive her behaviors is to gain relief from it. Sadly, we can't do anything to help that situation- because it's her own thinking and feelings- and she can't perceive that they are hers. So she will attribute the source to someone or something else. We can change/fix that but it doesn't work. It's very sad actually, and yet we can't change how someone else thinks or feels.

[Mommydoc]

My own interpretation is that the physical discomfort is an expression of her emotional discomfort.

BPDs are not just challenging for families, but also for doctors and therapists. You can never take what they say at face value. The medical literature documents that patients with borderline personality present with pain sensitivity/syndromes and somatic preoccupation at high greater frequency than the general population. My sister had a mild concussion about 20 years ago, her CT and clinical exam were normal and she. Was released from the ER quickly. But she has spent 20 plus years complaining of crazy complaints, seeing specialists, related to her “traumatic brain injury” . When she dysregulates, she attributes it to her brain injury. I didn’t want to dismiss her symptoms but when I researched the literature I became fascinated with the concept of somatic preoccupation. What you and NotWendy describe are likely that. You might google the term to better understand. It is not that there is not an underlying condition, it is just they experience the symptoms in an amplified way. For physicians it becomes difficult, as you don’t want to miss something real, but even when the diagnosis and treatment are right, the patient doesn’t respond positively and continues to experience and complain about their symptoms. More tests and more treatment, are not necessarily the right path, but often occur as clinicians can ignore the complaints and risk missing something else.

[Notwendy]

BPD mother is self -directed with her medical care but her medical care providers call me for back up- I think for the reason you state- they aren't so sure about her.

She also gets dissatisfied with them if they don't do what she wants (she may ask them to do something they don't think is the right thing to do) - then she says things about them that aren't true. One of her nurses told me she tells people what a bad nurse she is. I told the nurse that I don't believe it when she is critical of her medical care providers- I can see that they are doing the best possible job they can with her.

[Mommydoc]

Yes, nurses and doctors are frequently initially painted white and in a second can be painted black and villainized. My sister did that with every single medical professional involved in my mom’s care. A few walked away and refused to deal with her, and said they would only talk with me as HC POA, , which as we know, put me in a terrible position, because she always shot the messenger.  I was so grateful for my mother’s care team, who in the end, took on all the communication despite the abuse they received from her. It’s great that your mother’s physicians check in with you.

[Notwendy]

I am glad they do. She isn't always clear about what is going on so I prefer to get their opinions.

She's been fortunate to have the same PCP for a long time. He also took care of my father and I went to some appointments with my Dad so I have known him a while too. I think he's been a saint in his management with BPD mother.

[Methuen]

I can hear your frustration. I feel like I too have listened to this for 61 years, and amongst other things like parentification and emotional abuse, it’s worn me down.  It’s my mother  who is my pwBPD.

. I feel she takes delight in just listing out her complaints to her life to everyone because she repeats the same monologue to everyone.

My H and I have labeled this as attention seeking behavior. Their lack of a sense of self and her depression seem to work together to make her list all her complaints, in an effort to make everyone else responsible for fixing them. There is no direct way to make them stop this. All we can do is change how we respond so we don’t positively reinforce the annoying behavior around us.

Sometimes I wonder if she really has those medical issues or she's just someone who finds problems in everything. At this point, dealing with her is very emotionally draining because all she does is whine and she is never happy.

I think mental and physical health are intertwined.  I don’t know if a state of normalized chronic stress from BPD can lead to chronic inflammation and a litany of health problems, but it seems reasonable that it would.  Then it’s just a downward spiral as they age . My mom is 87.  In some ways, it seems like she should have passed already.  And yet, I know it’s possible she lives into her late 90’s like almost all of her immediate family.  In a way this could be explained by what you are describing.  Is it all real? Or is some of it not?

It’s all complicated by the fact that even when tests and medical expertise lead to confirmed diagnosis, they are often non compliant, which only hurts them.

It’s irrational.  H and I have given up trying to be rational with her.  If she refuses meds or Dr recommendations, we stay out of it.  She’s flipped back and forth between painting her Dr white and black.  She can be nasty and attacking in one instance, and gushing in another.  It’s crazy.

As to her complaining, we now call her on it, and either direct her to tell her Dr, or remind her she’s being negative again and we don’t enjoy that type of conversation.

You’re right that it’s frustrating and emotionally draining.  Can you limit your exposure to her negativity?  How do you navigate this?  What works for you?

[anon331312]

> You’re right that it’s frustrating and emotionally draining.  Can you limit your exposure to her negativity?  How do you navigate this?  What works for you?

It's an on-going situation. She said she's going to seek therapy and that her therapists already said she's oversensitive as a person.

Also, I should add that there are a lot of rules with her. Her discussing how she's shopping for a chair is a pain. She'd talk about a top of the line chair is not suitable for her because of any of the following reasons:
- A few inches too tall (not ergonomic enough for her)
- A few inches too short (not ergonomic enough for her)
- Arm rests too wide (it's made for racist sexist manufacturers who only care about white men)
- Back tilts too fast (scares her)
- Doesn't include shipping
- Doesn't have enough warranty
- Package may not fit in her car
- Package is too heavy
- Customer service is not nice
- Too expensive (of course)

Basically... she's been shopping for that chair for years and nothing meets her standards. Everyone she talks to on that topic told her that she's never going to find that chair perfect for her.

[anon331312]

> somatic preoccupation

Thanks for the term and its relationships on BPD. I am reading on it

[livednlearned]

It's interesting ... your post got me thinking about my uBPD sibling. He's 18 months older than me and we are low contact.

Last time I saw him it had been 10 years since we spoke. He spent about 20 min straight listing all negative things. Who had divorced, who had died, who was sick and dying, whose kids were in jail or in rehab or not doing well.

I wonder if the negativity you describe, and the negativity my brother indulges in, is driven by the same urge, which is to make the external match the internal.

[Methuen]

Last time I saw him it had been 10 years since we spoke. He spent about 20 min straight listing all negative things. Who had divorced, who had died, who was sick and dying, whose kids were in jail or in rehab or not doing well.

I wonder if the negativity you describe, and the negativity my brother indulges in, is driven by the same urge, which is to make the external match the internal.

LNL I think you hit the nail squarely on the head with making the external match the internal.

It seems like the only thing that mom can initiate conversation about, is who is sick , who is close to death, who is struggling on their meager pension, whose husband abused them, whose kids are fighting, how sick she is how many problems she has, how blind she is going, how dizzy she is, blah blah blah.  I affirm boundaries and stop her as soon as I see what’s going on when she blabs on about other people.  But sometimes she blurts it out of nowhere and there’s no chance to see it coming.  Like the time she told me her best friends mom had prostituted herself to feed her kids after her husband died. Why does she feel the need to blab this when her friend shared such private information? It tells me how little her friends truly know her.

These people just have NO boundaries, NO filters, and are obsessed with the negative. And Since they have NO self awareness and don’t accept feedback, they have no interest in personal growth.

They just revert to the lowest common denominator every time.

I think the explanation of making the external fit the internal is another puzzle piece that fits. Thanks for sharing that thought LNL.  Super helpful.

[Notwendy]

Yes, that idea explains a lot. Maybe that is why BPD mother finds something negative about attempts to help or do something nice, or the negative about the person doing that.

And people respond. BPD mother says nobody is helping her. People are helping her but they are human and if she is critical of them, they are guarded and maybe not so willing to be attentive.

With family as well- we try, she disempowers us, undoes our efforts so in a sense, we aren't helpful to her because what we do isn't helpful because it doesn't work.

[GaGrl]

I've been so proud of my stepdaughter as she has navigated the negativity aspect of her mother's uBPD. Therapy has helped her reach a point where she can simply say, "Mom, I can't start my day listening to this negativity. I'll talk to you later." Then she hangs up.

My step daughter is a Licensed Massage Therapist who specializes in medical massage and works with cancer, hospice, and disabled patients. She is VERY aware of energy flow and the danger of carrying negative energy -- she learned that the hard way early in her career.

I certainly saw my mother suffer with her step mother's negativity. When we visited her, or when my grandparents visited us, the entire atmosphere changed.

Perhaps boundaries consist 90% of ensuring that negative energy doesn't penetrate our personal space?

[wantmorepeace]

Yeesh!  I so relate to this thread.  I cycle through feelings of sympathy, frustration, anger, etc. with my relative wUBPD.  Felt like writing today because I'm annoyed with the endless complaining (and controlling behavior) -- and here was this thread.  But on the positive side, I don't feel like it's a result of anything I've done wrong and I'm not anxious and worried.  That's progress!  Self-care, self-compassion, and longer and longer periods of serenity for all of us! 

[Notwendy]

Yes, it's a big step to not take any of this stuff personally and also choose how much to listen to. Also to not try to "fix" the situation for them. This is a function of how they think- we can't fix it. I think if we choose to have contact with them, a conversation would include them complaining- so we need to have boundaries and keep in mind- this is their issue.