Split from
Re: Break Up Continued (topic 357669)
This thread will focus on how being a Codependent/Caretaker will keep us trapped or ensnared in a BPD relationship.
After my individual therapist and I did a deep dive on why I have repeated my relationship pattern of being with two different borderline women in my lifetime spanning a quarter century.
I would like to use this thread to identify common patterns and characteristics of people who have found themselves in a borderline relationship and can't seem to get out.
The list of codependent traits and characteristics can be found at
https://coda.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/Patterns-Characteristics-2011.pdfAccording to Google the estimate of people who have codependent traits is in excess of 90 percent, so just about everyone has one or more of these traits that resonate with them. Some are minor, others are a major contributor to being in a relationship with a pwBPD.
While the original intent of the list is to identify patterns since childhood, I have added to my list to also include new patterns that have originated since being in a relationship with a pwBPD. If you had a parent/sibling with BPD/NPD or other cluster B this might not be helpful to differentiate since you grew up in it; however, if you didn't grow up in it; it may be helpful in identifying new learned patterns from trauma bonding with a borderline in addition to the ones you have had since childhood trauma.
Also, while looking at this list, as most borderlines are naturally codependent you will likely see a lot of characteristics that will resonate with you regarding your pwBPD.
BrokenMind made a list that resonated with him, that I have reposted here, and then I followed it with my own list, and all but four of the patterns/traits overlap his. I am very curious as to what your traits and characteristics are as well to help identify patterns that might be common to everyone in a pwBPD relationship by choice.
Hey SD
I went through the character flaws [patterns] link for CODA you sent me, Some resonated and some were utterly repugnant to me:
• minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
• mask pain in various ways such as isolation
• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
• have difficulty admitting a mistake.
• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
• accept sexual attention when they want love.
• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
• demand that their needs be met by others.
• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
It was a sobering read to say the least.
BM,
If you would compare your list against mine below, you will find we have a lot of these patterns and characteristics in common, all except the ones I changed the color to
gray in your list above.
Below, If you will notice throughout, I gave each ‘pattern’ a distinction of being ‘
codependent’ and/or ‘
caretaking’ which are almost synonymous with each other with one very important difference, the time of origin these patterns / characteristics first appeared in my personality.
‘Codependent’ patterns stem from childhood wounds that I sustained as a child, predominantly when I was sent away to boarding school, in order to appease my brother’s issues, it was the more economical choice for my parents to make, send me away, or pay the full cost of a mental hospital for my brother for his diagnosed ADHD - for my parents it was a ‘no brainer’ as in the 1980’s as there was only two weeks of coverage for hospital on most insurance plans here in the USA. This emotionally impacted me in a manner consistent with “Boarding School Syndrome”, a description that can be found at
https://caldaclinic.com/boarding-school-syndrome-the-childhood-trauma-of-privilege/ - I only have a handful of those symptoms described in that article. There might be some other FOO (family of origin) issues; however, a deep dive into these is in progress with my T.
The ‘
codependent’ designation is ascribed to issues that span my entire adult life, and/or is not exclusive to my relationship with my wife.
Whereas, the ‘
caretaker’ designation only applies to patterns being formed exclusively during the period where I was with my wife for the past two decades and the previous BPD relationship to a lesser extent I had the previous two years before that. These patterns I believe are temporary in nature only, and would naturally disappear once my relationship with a borderline ends - as they were generally formed as part of the 'walking on eggshells' phenomena associated with coping with the extreme nature of a BPD relationship in order to appease them - something we should never had let happen if we had better boundaries.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence (& Caretaking)
for Salty Dawg
Denial Patterns• minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel. — Caretaking
•
think they can take care of themselves without any help from others. — Codependent•
mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation. — Codependent• express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways. — Caretaking
• do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted. — Caretaking
Low Self-Esteem Patterns• have difficulty making decisions. — Caretaking
• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. — Caretaking
•
are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. — Codependent•
value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own. — Codependent• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons. — Caretaking
• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than. — Caretaking
• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. — Caretaking
• look to others to provide their sense of safety. — Caretaking
•
have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. — Codependent•
have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. — CodependentCompliance Patterns•
are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. — Codependent• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid
rejection or
anger. — Caretaker
• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want. — Caretaker
• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. — Caretaker
• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. — Caretaker
• make decisions without regard to the consequences. — Caretaker
• give up their truth to
gain the approval of others or to
avoid change. — Caretaker
Control Patterns•
freely offer advice and direction without being asked. — Codependent•
have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others. — CodependentAvoidance Patterns• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them. — Caretaker
• judge harshly what others think, say, or do. — Caretaker
• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance. — Caretaking
• allow addictions to
people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships. — Caretaker
• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. — Caretaker
• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. — Caretaker
•
suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. — Codependent• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away. — Caretaking
• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves. — Caretaker
•
believes displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. — Codependent• withhold expressions of appreciation. — Caretaking
Now if I were to remove the caretaking portion of the list, the portion that I developed while being with a borderline, and for me this is just under half of my life some of which may need to be unlearned, my actual codependent list looks like for my entire adult life with the bold portions where I feel that I need the most amount of work:
•
think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
• mask pain in various ways such as
anger,
humor, or
isolation.
•
are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• have
difficulty getting started,
meeting deadlines, and
completing projects.
•
have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.
•
are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• believes displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
For me this list represents hold the necessary clues as to why I have been ensnared by two borderlines. Personally I think the following traits embody why I have been ensnared "
have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries & "
are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long."
Then I think all of my 'Caretaking' patterns is what has kept me in these relationships that have developed over time by walking on eggshells.
I'm interested if you think there is more to this than that
I feel that each one of these patterns deserves its own thread. That can get messy real quick, so please keep it in this thread.
I know many here also go to CoDA meetings, or have gone to them, what is your opinion on this - this curious mind wants to know.
Take care.
SD
