Broke up, feeling guilty, how to deal with the reality distortion field?

[DigitalSanity]

I couldn't take the accusations anymore: constantly walking on eggshells because anything I said or did would trigger her, being accused of not loving her enough and an unhealthy amount of jealously. Just constant, completely out of proportion reactions and fights.

I asked for some time away, after a few days she returned with the accusations and pressured me so I broke up.

I keep expecting her to talk to her therapist and somehow see through the distortion she has created. I think anyone who listens to her accusations will understand how unreal they are. I don't know if she is formally diagnosed, though. I don't know what happens between her and her (new) therapist. My hopes of getting back together are deposited, again (because of the push-pull of the past, but in which she was the one who broke up), on her... but I am the one who broke up this time, so I don't know if I should go after her. I don't want to invalidate her, but I don't want to take blame where I have none as this would imply her unreasonable reactions are right. I'm also afraid of the precedent this would create/reinforce as I don't seem to be able to enforce boundaries, which may also be a big reason she acts the way she does.

Is it over?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PhoenixKnight]

Been in that position for several years mate. It’s exhausting. I prayed for therapy to help her, but it didn’t really.

I really don’t have much advice for you as I did the dance over and over, with both of us getting more and more resentful. You feel like you’re giving all you can, but she tells you it’s not enough. The kicker is the lack of affection and love you apparently don’t show to her, absolutely dwarfs and emotional support coming the other way. ‘I will look after you once you’ve got me to a place where I can’. I never reached that place, as there was always another crisis.

I think you need to decide this one for yourself. When I posted something similar a couple of years ago, the advice I was given was to walk away, as you cannot meet the insatiable needs. I ignored it, thinking ‘if I just communicate better she will calm’, or ‘if I just validate her feelings, she will be more understanding’. It’s really difficult to validate feelings when they are mostly raising faults in you that you have been actively trying not to do.

It will be painful either way, but do you want to keep trying? What is your gut saying? (Not your head or heart).

[rattled64]

Really feel for you on this, and PhoenixKnight and Digital Sanity too. It brings to mind something I have been saying a lot to my pwuBPD recently as I get more and more clarity. I tell her that I do not feel like there is any room for me or my feelings or needs in the relationship. Need to be at peace with that to make it work.

[DigitalSanity]

Thank you so much for the replies.

I'm coming to terms this will be a big lesson on letting go... letting go of the feelings, letting go of her and most importantly letting go of the control I'm trying to have over her recovery.

I hope I'll have the strength and wish you all the same.

[once removed]

it sounds like its been a "too bad to stay, too good to leave" situation.

its been a few days, from what seems like a fresh breakup. how is it going? any update?

[DigitalSanity]

Hey, thank you for the reply.

No contact from her side, I haven't reached either.

I'm just reading a lot of content about BPD and "High Conflict People" (which, apart from any diagnosis, there's no doubt that's who she is).

I keep wondering about how life with someone like her would be like. Unfortunately, I feel much better without her at the moment as I was so hyper vigilant for her triggers... so this leaves me very conflicted. I dreaded even the "good times" with her as it could change into a fight without warning or fair reason.

Because of how easily she manipulated me into feeling guilty, I found a good exercise to note down the facts: her aggressive behavior, her mood swings, etc. I then check how this feels. Is it justified? How would this look like from the outside, e.g. if I was seeing someone else going through it? Needless to say, it's not good.

[once removed]

these relationships certainly present their own unique challenges.

a "bpd relationship" can be thought of as a "special needs" relationship. it takes a great deal of strength, balance, and commitment, and none of that precludes a relationship being a bad or wrong fit. its important to know that going in, with eyes wide open: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

it sounds like you ran up against your limit. you mention you were the one to break up "this time". were there other times?

[DigitalSanity]

Yes, I was dumped a few times before.

When she left, she blamed me, of course, and I always believed it. It always took her months to return and apologize (which I now understand is a "charm") and she would always make sure there was no way I could contact her while she was away. No apology on my part was ever enough, even though I didn't even know what I was apologizing for. I now think of this as my biggest mistake, as it reinforced her lack of accountability.

[once removed]

I now think of this as my biggest mistake, as it reinforced her lack of accountability.
...
(which I now understand is a "charm")

it might help to look at this in the broader context of human nature, and the unique circumstances of your relationship, as opposed to "something people with bpd do". relationship recycles require two people.

lots of relationships recycle, over 60% of relationships do once or twice. this is in "normal" territory.

when there are multiple relationship recycles, something is dysfunctional or broken. whether you are trying to salvage your relationship, or recover from it, its important to understand, not only that, but why; get to the bottom of what is really going on.

this workshop on relationship recycling explains it well: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

each successive breakup results in greater and greater damage to the relationship, and makes it harder to salvage; harder to rebuild trust, in an environment where resentment is growing and each party is increasingly working more toward self preservation than relationship strengthening.

the bottom line is, the status quo isnt working. on one hand, youre exasperated; nothing seems to work, you dont feel heard, you feel attacked, and you feel like your hand has been forced to break up with her. on the other, it doesnt sound like youre really done, or want it to be over.

the best course of action in that case, is to first stop the bleeding, the conflict, the messiness. put down the gloves. then, with help and outside perspective, to determine what about the relationship is broken, and whether it is beyond repair, or whether it is something that can be resolved in a way that is sustainable. and then, to make a hard commitment, one way or the other.

what do you think?