What can I do

[Ourworld]

Hi, my daughter has never been diagnosed as BPD but I believe the multiple traumas in her life after she went away to college at age 17 and a very unhealthy relationship and ‘marriage’ for 15 years have actually led to this.
Last year because her husband who already suffered with PTSD that was causing hallucinations and convulsions had a psychotic episode and is now dealing with an additional diagnosis of schizophrenia- both conditions for him are 100% service-connected and he is being treated at the VA. So enter-the 5th major trauma since age 17!
After the 4 major traumas at college between ages 17-21 she lived with a person with severe mental issues for 13-15 years! My husband and her father died in 1997; she was a very intelligent and spoiled 11 year old only child. I made it a point not to get involved with anyone at least until she was on her own. Well, I eventually healed, never got involved with another man, then before I retired from civil service I took a position in Germany. I wrote her emails and sent her post cards and presents. When I came back, she suddenly told me that she would not talk to me anymore and blocked me from her iPhone account and social media. At least I had her address to send her occasional cards, notes, and gifts.

Last year (2023) her husband had a psychotic episode and after 6 months she moved out, he now lives near the VA where he is receiving treatment. He and I chat through messenger, I am a theologian going into missionary work, so I am trying to help him get over her since she has now blocked him. He had testicular cancer surgeries while they were married, so there are no grandchildren. They got married by the Justice in total secret from friends and family.

My brother and his wife helped her move, but will not tell me where she lives (probably at her request), they simply tell me she is ok. I have tried letting my brother know to check on her, but she probably just says she’s ok.
I have no way of contacting her, and was wondering if you think there is anything I can do besides pray-which I believe is quite powerful of course. It’s been 12 years since she cut me off.

I certainly feel for her husband, I have tried consoling him the best I can, the last thing I wrote about was how to accomplish forgiveness.

I have forgiven and when he reveals things she has done, it is sad, but doesn’t depress me.
I appreciate your support and am hoping she reaches out before I go overseas. I am hoping that He hasn’t moved me overseas yet, so I can be here for her.

Thanks for listening and if you have any  ideas, please let me know!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Ourworld
I have been thinking over the information in your post and my mind keeps coming back to possible reasons why, when you returned, dd suddenly cut you off - and this 12 years ago. My understanding is that she also kept in contact with you while you were away eg responded to your contacts etc?

My first thought was that dd cut off because you moved to Germany. This is something that is not rational for someone with BPD but frequently happens that moving away triggers abandonment issues and deciding to 'cut off' the target of blame.

However if dd was returning your contacts this is less likely.

I am wondering if there is some connection to your support of your son in law and dd's cutting off? During the time you were away things may have been quite difficult for dd and if she perceived you were supporting your son in law more than you were supporting her, it could have triggered this response.

If this is so, then it is difficult to see a way forward because she possibly would continue to know of your support for her ex husband.

It is a big relief to know that you have family that are able to keep in contact with dd - though of course it doesn't take the pain of the separation away.

Do you have any thoughts on what might have caused the 'cutting off' initially? I am just tossing thoughts about here, but I think to find a way forward might mean understanding the cause of dd's sudden action 12 years ago.

Sorry I am not more helpful here!

[Swimmy55]

Hi Ourworld,
 I am sorry for your pain.  Sancho is correct in that BDP persons do have severe issues with what they perceive as abandonment.  However, sometimes we just cannot know what set someone off to cut contact. Here is a link from this website on estrangement to read through , https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0

In my particular case, my adult son cut me off due to me not being willing to subsidize his lifestyle that included drugs ( not saying this is your daughter's situation).   At this particular time if the only way you can get a message to her is through your brother, you may tell him to let her know you are leaving.  Other than sending an occasional message to her through your brother, you are doing all you can regarding communication until she decides to contact you directly.  In the meantime, you have come to the right place to get support for yourself, as estrangement is very difficult and hard going alone.  You are also  doing right by continuing to move forward in your life , hard as this may be.  Keep writing here as you have need.



 

[Ourworld]

Thank you both for your helping making some sense of things!

I do see what you are saying about her feeling as if I abandoned her when I was in Germany. And no, I do not recall her corresponding with me while I was overseas, as a matter of fact when I got back and asked her about a shirt I sent her from Milan, she said, oh, I think it ended up behind the sofa with the dogs.
I sent her a lot of postcards and bought her things as I traveled a lot throughout Europe, but you are right, she never responded to any emails. I was gone from 7/2010-11/2012 and the big texting use of cell phones came into play while I was gone.

After my husband had totally abandoned us back in 1997 (he called me to say he was not coming home and never talked to her!), she was only 11 and we had to move out of a large home. I actually noticed more isolation from her school friends at that time, then when she was 15 there were HUGE changes in her behavior. Then once she went to college, her life totally crumbled under trauma after trauma. At her request, I setup professional counseling for her, but I recently realized that she probably did not go.
I did not communicate with my SIL until she blocked me after I returned. But he has told me that it made her quite angry.

She was ‘embarrassed’ when she told me about her love for him, and had even told him that she did not speak to me because I was against him. He is short and stocky with tattoos, since she was involved with the dance team in high school, I think she had a jock-like man in her mind and couldn’t believe she was attracted to him. I certainly did not care, but I think she thought I did, she had told the SIL that I expected her to become a Prima Ballerina because of her own commitment to ballet as she grew up (from 3-18). I had never indicated this, he also said that at one time she was taking diet medicine, this was somethingI knew nothing about!
The only thing she ever did drug-wise, was she started smoking pot when she was 15-16, her husband confirmed this. She has not sent him divorce papers and does not know of our communication (me & the SIL).
He also mentioned that she feels that my family thinks she is weird;
because my family are highly successful people who have genius-level IQs-which she seems to have gotten. We went to H.S. in the 70’s and were far from perfect, my brother and I got bored and quit h.s. and got our GEDs, but no one had any mental issues, except my sisters son who committed suicide, and come to find out had molested her when he became sick with ADHD after H.S., we lived in the same town.

When I go overseas for missionary work she will see this as another abandonment from me? Should I delay it if she contacts me?
I will probably come back on furlough a few years later.

Do you think she will ever contact me again since she is no longer with her husband who had become her confidant.
I am no expert, but if she does suffer from BPD, I think it would be a high-functioning Silent form.

Thanks, Susie

[Ourworld]

Thank you both for your helping making some sense of things!

I do see what you are saying about her feeling as if I abandoned her when I was in Germany. And no, I do not recall her corresponding with me while I was overseas, as a matter of fact when I got back and asked her about a shirt I sent her from Milan, she said, oh, I think it ended up behind the sofa with the dogs.

After my husband had totally abandoned us back in 1997 (he called me to say he was not coming home and never talked to her!), she was only 11 and we had to move out of a large home. I actually noticed more isolation from her school friends at that time, then when she was 15 there were HUGE changes in her behavior.
Then once she went to college, her life totally crumbled under trauma after trauma. At her request, I setup professional counseling for her, but I recently realized that she probably did not go.
I did not communicate with my SIL until she blocked me after I returned from Germany.  But he has told me that it made her quite angry that he did not also block me.

She acted ‘embarrassed’ when she told me about her love for him, and had even told him that she did not speak to me because I was against him. He is short and stocky with tattoos, since she was involved with the dance team in high school, I think she had a jock-like man in her mind and couldn’t believe she was attracted to him.
I certainly did not care, but I think she thought I did, she had told the SIL that I expected her to become a Prima Ballerina because of her own commitment to ballet as she grew up (from 3-18). I had never indicated this, he also said that at one time she was taking diet medicine, this was somethingI knew nothing about!
The only thing she ever did drug-wise, was she started smoking pot when she was 15-16, her husband confirmed this. She has not sent him divorce papers and does not know of our current communication (me & the SIL).
He also mentioned that she feels that my family thinks she is weird;
because my family are highly successful people who have genius-level IQs-which she seems to have gotten.
We went to H.S. in the 70’s and were far from perfect, my brother and I got bored and quit h.s. and got our GEDs, but no one had any mental issues, except my sisters son who committed suicide, and my SIL later found out he had molested her when he became sick with ADHD after H.S., we lived in the same town.

When I go overseas for missionary work she will see this as another abandonment from me? Should I delay it if she contacts me?
I will probably come back on furlough a few years later.

Do you think she will ever contact me again since she is no longer with her husband who had become her confidant.
I am no expert, but if she does suffer from BPD, I think it would be a high-functioning Silent form.

Thanks, Susie

[Ourworld]

Hey, I am so thankful that until she met her husband in 2008, she was able to somewhat communicate with me and excelled in school.
With her husband’s support she also stayed on the Deans list and had no further traumas once she started at a university again and successfully completed her BA. She even got her MBA online after that!

She does manage to work and hopefully she and her husband will come back together, both of them healed!

I guess, even if she never contacts me again, thankfully she has a kind and loving husband, and he is determined to get his issues under control at the VA.

Blessings, Susie

[Swimmy55]

Rest easy Ourworld.
There is an old saying," What others think of me is none of my business." This is especially true with our BPD adult kids.   It is best we try to keep the focus on us and not what is going on in their heads.  You keep on doing what you need to and not changing your schedule on the chance of what the BPD might think or do.  Their thinking is out of control and we cannot attach our lives to that .

[Blackwing]

Well, I eventually healed, never got involved with another man, then before I retired from civil service I took a position in Germany.

I am a theologian going into missionary work ....

I have no way of contacting her, and was wondering if you think there is anything I can do besides pray-which I believe is quite powerful of course. It’s been 12 years since she cut me off.

Dear Ourworld: First, thank you for responding to my first post, I appreciate it. From what you have revealed above, I gather that you are a very level-headed, big-hearted person, gifted with first, having a child, and secondly, patience and faith. In the twelve years, through your own introspection, it does sound like physical 'distance' has been a good thing, for at least yourself. Selfcare and breaths of fresh showing air are crucial to your well-being. Perhaps one day, your D will come to the terms that really are necessary to be grateful to you for giving her space in a good way. I believe that someday, she will find herself somewhat, and so following, will logically come back to your relationship with her. We can only love so much before we are reminded not to love too much. It sounds like you've got that part down, and that's half the battle, I guess. God bless.

[Ourworld]

Hi,

Well, my daughter as cut off all communication with the family it seems. No one knows where she is or what she’s doing nowadays. Or if she’s ok.

This feels rather distressing, she may still be in the area and will actually show up at the next family gathering (in May for Mother’s Day) when my sister sends a message.

I just hope that she’s ok and getting her happiness back since this is the last thing she said to her ‘husband’.

I do not think the ‘marriage’ was a true marriage to her, he told me through the years they did some fun stuff together, but that she often hit him and they had some horrible arguments.

When she told me she loved him, she acted embarrassed, like she couldn’t believe she was even attracted to him.

So, was this really true love or BPD love? In his mental state, he has said that he takes their vows seriously and would welcome her back (so sad for him, he really wants to be a good husband), that her quirky ways don’t bother him.
Maybe they’re meant for each other!

Anyway, I figure she will return to him, before when and if I ever hear from her again.
But, again, who knows if she will show up at the Mother’s Day family gathering this May and surprise us all!