How do I support my BPD husband?

[zoe878]

Hi. My husband has not been officially diagnosed. However, he has most of the traits. I've done a lot of reading and research and believe it is very likely that he has BPD. Where do I start? If I even suggest this, he's gonna lose it emotionally. I don't mean he'll be violent towards me or the children. He will go off the "deep end" emotionally, though--crying, hysterics, etc., for a while. Any advice?

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[Pook075]

Hey Zoe and welcome to the family!

Generally speaking, you want to save the diagnosis talk for a therapist or mental health professional.  You approaching the subject will likely backfire in spectacular fashion and it will not achieve anything productive.  However, you can work on better communication techniques through the tips and tools along the top of the page- learning to soothe his emotions, side-step arguments, validating his feelings, etc.  Each goes a long way in reducing the drama.

How long have you been married?  And do you have kids together?  Were these traits always present or something that's developed over time?  Talk us through that a little bit so we can give you more specific guidance. 

[zoe878]

Thank you. We've been married for nearly 25 years, together since 16 years old. We have a 13yo son and 14yo daughter; we are great parents together.

He's always shown these traits, but I just didn't know any better. I thought if I loved him harder, was sweeter, and kept my needs to myself, our relationship would continue to be great. We all know that can't last forever, and I was at a boiling point last week not knowing how to handle him, so I started doing some research. He has 7 of the 9 traits. I am definitely not diagnosing, but I suspect he has BPD. Looking back on the last 30 years, I can see things through that lens and so many of his reactions make more sense.

He has seen counselors in the past who have convinced him of how wonderful he is and that I'm the problem. I would love to know how to connect him with a BPD specialist. Thank you for listening, sharing any wisdom, and just giving me to the space to vent and ask questions.

[Pook075]

He has seen counselors in the past who have convinced him of how wonderful he is and that I'm the problem.

Did you hear a counselor say that?  People w/ BPD tend to hear what they want to hear in order to stroke their own ego.  My BPD daughter (25) was notorious for going to the doctor, getting a long list of recommendations, and ignoring all but one of them....because she liked the one thing.  It was usually something like, "Get more exercise once you're feeling better...but you need to rest for a few days 1st."

My kid would then tell us, "I'm going out with friends because the doctor said I had to get more exercise!"  When we disagreed, she's go on a rant about how she's following doctor's orders and we're abusing her to keep her sick.

I shared that to say if you didn't hear a therapist say that, then I call BS.

I would love to know how to connect him with a BPD specialist.

Your husband will not seek treatment until he sees a reason to seek treatment.  As long as he's being verbally abusive and you're accepting it, then he has no reason to change (after all, the counselor told him you're the bad one!).  So you need to start putting boundaries in place for when he acts out; this is a good place to start- https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

In a nutshell, you'll also have to work on communication to be less triggering to him.  I know that sounds like blame, but I promise it's not...he's sick, you're not, so you have to be the voice of reason in the room. 

Think of him as a spoiled toddler throwing a tantrum; how do you get it to stop?  You soothe those emotions so he calms down, catches his breath, and stops acting so emotional.  With BPD, everything is emotion-based and can swing to extremes.  Your job is not to "take it" or "accept it", but to help him balance out through empathy and compassion.

I hope that helps!  There's definitely a lot more we can work on with other members here, but I don't want to overwhelm you.

[zoe878]

Yes, I was nodding as I read your response. I do know what works because I've had two toddlers, and I was really great at figuring out their needs, which then ended the tantrums. The problem is that I've been doing the same thing with my husband, and I'm exhausted. Haha--the kids are teenagers and can regulate themselves now, so I've been waiting for that to happen to my 45-year-old dude!

I get it. You are so right. I really needed to hear what you said. It's not overwhelming; it's eye opening.

I am realizing that he is sick, and I've been treating him as though he's not. Now that I know, I know what to do, and I will continue to learn.

Side note: Haha, he was the one who told me about what that counselor said, and I'm sure you're right. Silly me. Thank you for sharing the story about your daughter.

Frankly, all this has come with relief. I was really starting to feel like I was about to lose my mind. The past three days of learning and reading and connecting with others has taken so much off my shoulders. Thank you for taking the time and energy to reach out and help a stranger. It's the love I need to receive today! Thank you.

[Pook075]

Yes, I was nodding as I read your response. I do know what works because I've had two toddlers, and I was really great at figuring out their needs, which then ended the tantrums.

That's the easiest way to explain it- BPD's get off whack and rely almost solely on emotion while trying to process what's happening.  The logic part of their brains basically shuts down to let panic and fear take over.  You want the good husband, the stable one who's kind and loving, so when he starts to slide one way or the other (could be anger/rage or sadness/depression) you soothe him like a toddler.

Frankly, all this has come with relief. I was really starting to feel like I was about to lose my mind. The past three days of learning and reading and connecting with others has taken so much off my shoulders. Thank you for taking the time and energy to reach out and help a stranger. It's the love I need to receive today! Thank you.

I was there about 20 months ago when out of the blue, my wife started completely ignoring me.  A few weeks later, she announced she was leaving and there was nothing to talk about...and this was a 24 year marriage.  She told everyone else I was highly abusive, constantly put her down, didn't care about her or her family...the list went on and on.  And I was beside myself thinking, "Am I crazy?  Was I really that terrible to her?"

From her viewpoint, it was the truth.  Her feelings are real, just like anyone's, and she was shutting down internally from incredible levels of depression and fear. 

Catch what I'm saying here...her accusations were FALSE.  I wasn't a perfect husband, nobody is, but I loved her and cared for her the best I could. 

However, her feelings were TRUE.  Everything she felt was real and it devastated her to the core.  She was so hurt that she couldn't even try to reconcile or talk out what was going on.  Because for someone with BPD, that's the scariest thing in the world, being vulnerable and getting rejected.  So the marriage was 100% over from the day she left.

Why am I sharing this?  Because as much as we'd love to say your husband is a monster, he's just a guy with mental illness who's suffering inside.  The stuff he yells about, that's just noise and it doesn't matter.  There's much deeper things going on that never sees the light of day, that makes it hard for him to sleep at night.

Pay attention to his emotions...those are real.  Try to put less emphasis on his words because those are fake.  He's just venting because he's in pain and wants someone to blame.

I post here because if I had found this site 21-23 months ago, maybe my marriage turns out differently.  I have moved on and have healed, but I know the pain and confusion BPD brings for everyone involved.  It really sucks, but at the same time it is also very misunderstood.  There's no "bad guy" in this story- me, you, my ex wife, your husband.  There's just BPD and a couple of people who can't deal with their emotions.

[zoe878]

Yes!! Thank you.

May I ask about your daughter? Does she have BPD inherited from her mother? My 14yo daughter has been highly emotional since she came out of the womb, and I've learned how to help her. Our whole family agrees that she has always been a mini version of my husband, so now I see that she may have BPD. I am going to seek out someone for her with BPD experience with teens next. I am keeping in mind that no one has been officially diagnosed with anything, but I want to be smart about how I help her moving forward.

[Pook075]

Yes!! Thank you.

May I ask about your daughter? Does she have BPD inherited from her mother? My 14yo daughter has been highly emotional since she came out of the womb, and I've learned how to help her. Our whole family agrees that she has always been a mini version of my husband, so now I see that she may have BPD. I am going to seek out someone for her with BPD experience with teens next. I am keeping in mind that no one has been officially diagnosed with anything, but I want to be smart about how I help her moving forward.

My daughter has traditional BPD, which is outward, explosive, never giving an inch when she's wronged.

My ex wife is quiet BPD, which is inward, reserved, suffering in silence...until she explodes and presents like traditional BPD.

Quiet BPD is believed to be much more common but also much harder to diagnose since you don't see the rage, the anger, the dysregulated thinking.  It's hidden pretty much from everyone, although the symptoms are the same.

From my ex wife's family, I think her mom and her brother are BPD as well.  There's debate whether there's a genetic component or not; I've seen experts lean both ways.  My ex wife is exactly like her mom though (quiet BPD), while my daughter is exactly like my ex wife's oldest brother (traditional BPD).  I personally believe it's genetic.

Raising my daughter was very challenging and she began really raging around 14 or 15.  Always awkward around others, always quick to anger and slow to forgive, and lots of black/white thinking in that someone was all good or all evil.  Kids can't be diagnosed until they're 18 but a psychiatrist or a family doctor with that kind of background will share "suspicions".  The day my kid turned 18, she was diagnosed bipolar/BPD.

The best advice I can give you is be a parent first- right is right, wrong is wrong.  If your child starts acting out or trying to manipulate others around her (it will be obvious...not little things all kids do), then stick to your guns in teaching her right from wrong. 

For my daughter, it was incredibly obvious and I think she's an extreme case.  But she started taking therapy seriously around 23 (was in therapy since 13) and made some pretty big changes.  She still struggles with mood swings, but none of it is directed at me or her mom anymore.  It was a very tough road getting to this point though and like I said, I wish I would have found this site a decade earlier.

Hopefully that helps, but feel free to ask more specific questions.