I’m really having trouble with this. I tried so hard to be a good man to her and now I’m up on a harassment charge and she’s painted me as a deadbeat drunk psycho who was basically holding her and her daughter hostage. Last night my lawyer told me I have no defence and am guilty. I really wanted to fight this at trial. I can expose a ton of her lies but the lawyer told me they don’t matter. At the end of the day she told me to stop talking and I did not. Doesn’t even matter what I said apparently. I thought they would at least have to consider the context of what happened and the relationship between her an I but nope.
Where (in which document/filing) did she do that?
If Canadian law is sometimes similar to USA law, then there can be certain documents/submissions (maybe the "complaint"? it's been a while for me) where the party can say whatever they want. There is no legal or logical relationship between what the party says in the complaint and what actually happened. She could say in the complaint "I charge Stephen1999 with harassment, abuse, criminal trespass, and forgery" but that does not make it so.
Last night my lawyer told me I have no defence and am guilty. I really wanted to fight this at trial. I can expose a ton of her lies but the lawyer told me they don’t matter. At the end of the day she told me to stop talking and I did not. Doesn’t even matter what I said apparently. I thought they would at least have to consider the context of what happened and the relationship between her an I but nope.
Can you remind me if she got any kind of protective order, restraining order, or temporary restraining order against you?
There may be a grain of truth to what your (current... you can look into different L's) lawyer is saying.
It may be true that "exposing her lies" doesn't matter. What I mean by that is:
if the choice is that you can
either clear your name/get charges dropped,
or prove she's a liar, then you need to focus on clearing your name and getting charges dropped. I am assuming there are charges against you?
You can always call around to other lawyers, describe your situation, and see what they would recommend. Sometimes that's called a consultation, other times it's called interviewing. Pick whatever label is the lowest cost or free. If most L's in your area are on the same page, then at least you know where things stand. If other L's differ dramatically from yours, consider switching to a more assertive L.
I don’t know why she did this and I’ll never know. She has wiped me from her life and convinced herself of a bunch of lies about me. I’ve never felt such injustice in my life and I don’t know how to control all the feelings.
pwPD's sometimes use the legal system as a way to punish previous loved ones. It is so unjust and painful. We have been there, too.
The feelings can be intense. I wonder if pivoting from trying to control them, to noticing them, could be something to try. I'm a "stuffer" and control does not decrease the intensity of the feelings.
What does your therapist think about your situation?
I don’t accept there’s nothing I can do about this either. She’s dragged my name thru the mud and I have evidence showing her lies so it should definitely matter.
Legally, there's how things should be, and how things are. To be legally effective it's important to let go of "but it should/shouldn't be this way" and pivot to "this is how things are, what can I do with that". Maybe easier said than done, but ultimately it's up to you: to try to have your case be a bellwether changing legal precedent (changing "how things should be") or to have your case have the most beneficial outcome possible within current constraints. It won't feel fair.
Have you checked out our
divorce/custody board yet? Lots of legal advice/feedback over there. Take a look and see what you think.
It’s hard to get over the shell shock though. I asked her to stop abusing me and her response was to accuse me of abuse to the police. After four years together I never saw it coming. Listening to her statement and hearing her voice tell so many greasy lies about me was definitely one of the most disappointing moments of my life. She really hit me hard and I have no idea how one person can do that to another.
I’m hanging in there. Getting therapy and trying to work on myself. I’m not going to let this destroy me.
Yes, that's common, for pwPDs to accuse you of the thing they are already doing. She's in low-skill survival mode where lashing out at you makes total sense to her for her own self-preservation. Mental illness is so tragic and destructive.
Glad to hear you're getting therapy. How often do you go? How's it been so far?
